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The Love Surge.

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I don’t want to be geeky today except I decided to be a little cheesy before I start reviewing for my comprehensive exams. I know I am slacking off right now just because my thoughts are actually bothering me big time. Here’s what I’ve been up to for the past hour, thinking of finally quitting my job before the year ends to rediscover the world, to be who I wanted to be… as what I have always dream of except that in the deepest corners of my heart lies that truth, I just cannot go and leave my daily routine for a lot of reasons and that reason is… YOU.

I don’t want to write about you.

I don’t want the world to know about you.

But I can’t help it… you are the strongest force that is currently inside me,  you are whirling around in my mind like an insane typhoon daunting people and your magnitude is too high that my heart can be shattered into pieces. You are one strong force that actually changed the course of my life.

You are the best and can be the worst thing ever happened to me.

You.

You.

You and your craziness.

You and your weirdness.

You.

You make me write in reasons I actually don’t know.

You just make me write, make me rekindle back my old high school self who is inlove with sheer poetry.

You make me see things beautifully, always on a lighter note.

You don’t know how life changing you can be, you don’t know how an independent and free-spirited kid suddenly thrived into you. I don’t know what happened but this crazy force is totally gives me a certain high. You, my friend made me believe in love all over again. You made me start over again. You made me whole again after 12 years of not believing, of hoping, of hating… You and only  a crazy guy like you made me fix my shit and believe in forever once more.

I see a kid, young, lost and free in your eyes. I don’t know what is running in your mind when you look at me because I am a complete shit whose life I cannot even fix asap. I am running in circles, stuck in this world, contemplating about my life and simply not knowing where to start. I hope you learn to love this young girl who despite the challenges she is facing is still smiling. I hope you will see that this girl wants to have someone who will save her from her own wilderness, together they will save the world – they will save each other.

You.

I want you to be with me in this crazy life. Us, watching the sunset together arguing what food to eat. Us, running around like kids and finishing each other sentences. Us, believing in each other’s prowess and loving life like we used to. Together, we can be a great team. If you only know how much I love you. You know how I put  up all the walls  and be strong for all these years but you make me think twice most of the time. With you, I feel real, I can be myself comfortably except for those times when I am with your friends and I feel so awkward I prayed that the world will just eat me alive. You made me feel all the emotions I never felt before. You are the greatest if not the best feeling I have ever felt before.

Let me daydream for a while.

Let me believe that this is a great chance for me to be happy.

Let me believe that we have a future.

Let me hold on to this daydream before I decide to let go of the present and start my life all over again away from my daily routine… a fresh start, without the people I used to have in my life, without the work I have since graduation, without the life I choose to live.

Let me decide this time as wisely as possible… to hold on or to finally let go.

I want you to be the influential person who can change the course of my life

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Afternoon Thoughts

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I hope I will find a guy who would actually say these damn words to me. 🙂

I spent my Sunday night thinking, not that it is something unusual because I do that most of the time but it is just a little different though due to the fact that I am thinking about marriage and having a family of my own. The idea actually sickens me. I guess I am not ready to have a baby or even get married. I feel so weird when I imagine myself having those baby bump and worst having a live baby inside my tummy — that freaked me out and I voluntarily forced out the idea in my mind.

At 25, I have thoughts of having a relationship but I guess I am still not ready yet. I think I have a lot of things to do first before committing myself to something that will actually changed my life forever. For a free-spirited kid, I don’t think I will be able to endure that kind of life, well for now, I am really sure of that. I kept on telling myself that I am totally weird and that only few people understands my ambivert kind of personality. I am fully aware of my mood swings to the point that I can actually yell at people when I am extremely mad  but I am proud to say that I am always in  control of everything. I haven’t yell or scream at anybody yet. Thank you, God again for the gift of patience. I practice control in every situation no matter how panicky I can be within. Domineering, yes I am.

I thank the people who are nice to me, people who understands how weird I can be especially if I hate to socialize and lastly people who gained my aloof trust. I am quite difficult, FYI. I have trust issues, I rarely trust people with everything and I hate talking about my sort of kind of dysfunctional life to others. Anything random stuffs, I do share that but not my personal shits.

I am seriously bummed out of my life. I know how it is getting haywire and I am basically stress of all the deadlines to meet yet I am still an ass sleeping my weekend away. I have been sober for a month already, not that I am highlighting my drinking habits because again I can live without Jack Daniels and Don Papa. I can live without beer, rum and soda but never coffee. I became self-destructing after a big family problem I encountered last year. I became a slacker while I am working on my graduate school subjects and I became a happy kid because I dared to to be carefree and decided to live my life the YOLO way. Well, the downside of all this hullabaloos are the following:

  • no savings
  • tactlessness when intoxicated
  • tactlessness in blogging especially when intoxicated
  • no savings
  • NO SAVINGS

It’s not really something though except that for emergency cases, I am screwed.

Anyways, I am changing myself back to my old maid ways. I probably need to have my life redefined after graduate school so instead of blogging  my Monday thoughts here perhaps, I’ll start planning out my corporate study so that I will be able to defend it before the month ends. Oh God, help me out here.

Now for my love sick self, since I am aware that a boy won’t actually define me, I guess it would  be best to say that someday I will be able to find someone who will just make me feel ready for everything, for family, for motherhood and for marriage. I am not closing my door and definitely open for all the endless possibilities life has to offer. For now, let me get myself back to reality as I have deadlines to meet. TTFN.

23, journal, life, Life Blog

Wednesday Thoughts

“There is no such thing as failure just postponed success. ”

It was an excerpt on an article I read in Manila Bulletin regarding life’s purpose. It’s a mere sentence that summed up my thoughts with regard to my dilemma or should I say symptoms of quarter life crisis that is now taking its toll.

If you’re an avid follower of my blog which I supposed you’re not (haha) you’ll find my previous posts a little dramatic which of course is not really intended because those were just my thoughts poured into this electronic sheet of paper waiting to be published in a world where everyone has access to it — wow.

I am what I write so before I get drowned with my blabs let me share my thoughts about my life.

Nothing has changed still. I’m still lost and stuck with no better choices to choose from. I still have my sanity despite the problems I need to face at home and my career frustrations. Since yesterday, I’ve been thinking about how I managed my life. My grades last semester was actually a huge surprised. I don’t know if it’s pure luck or indeed a product of hardwork. I realized that I fell .1 shorter in nailing the president’s list — an award given to students who have no grades below 1.0. I’m not really competing nor dying to get that award because my main goal is to simply pass but then again I was almost there. I’m still happy with the results.

There was a point I doubted myself and my worth. Thanks of course to the company I’m currently working. I’ve given my best before but it seems that all those potentials were just put into waste. From then on I no longer believed that hardwork and intelligence do equate success. It’s how you play the game according to their rules. Oh well.

Anyways, I came to realized that where I am right now is not able to make use of my potentials. I’m so excited to channel myself to a job where my opinions matter and that I’ll be the game master. I’ve plans and I know how hard I work for my goals and for my people. When I mean business , I mean business. I may demand a lot but I make sure it’s reasonable. Whether you’re my friend or not or whether you’re hot or not, if you don’t meet what is expected then I’m sorry. It’s how I work.and I miss my old, busy and stress self.

Oh well.

I’ve considered myself a good player still abiding the rules no matter how stupid the game can be sometimes. Where I am right now and the dilemmas I’ve been facing is just part of a greater plan. I am currently not a failure. Success is waiting and I’m in the mood to chase it.

Life! 🙂

hobby, journal, life, Life Blog, writing

09/08 – Day 290: Tumblr on Mobile

Tumblr is my safe haven, it’s where my thoughts linger, my rants, frustrations and other stuffs that is not quite awesome. WordPress on the other hand is my happy place where I can share to the world my daily awesome things. Blogspot is where I used to post my poems and love problems, well that was before TUMBLR.

I feel inlove with Tumblr because it is simple and user friendly. You can easily reblog stuffs that you can totally relate to, write your thoughts, share a video or a picture and follow your favorite tumblristas. I got addicted to it back in college and been addicted to it for years. Now, I cannot help but fall in love to what I have recently downloaded in Google Play, the Tumblr application for Android.

Seriously? I can’t help but smile. I can now express what’s on my mind especially in times that my mind is having it’s own verbal diarrhea.

Oh feel free to know me more: www.chillerspot.tumblr.com