inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog

Life. 08.24.14

Quarter life crisis.

Dear God,

I know you know how much I’ve been through. I have no idea how I survived until now. It’s hard to juggle things and feel like a superhero. It sucks knowing people depend on you. I never appreciated myself too much though, what I know is that I am good and when I want something so badly, I worked hard for it until someone came along the way and told me that I’m actually good and can even be great. All of my life I wanted to achieve things to make my mom proud and I know I’ve accomplished that mission but it did not end there, I still feel so incomplete.

Here I am, writing away my feelings and acknowledge my sadness. I am sad despite all the good things that have come my way, maybe because I am getting tired of being a superhero and stop myself from saving people, from understanding, from helping … I’m tired of being like this for all the damn years I lived. I want someone to save
me. I want someone to take care of me and be with me in my quest to make this world better.

I can’t find him still.

It double sucks when you’ve found someone whom you really like but he has a different preference though. I am a sucker for a man who has that wit and that every conversation seems to have a lot of sense and is very mature enough in dealing life as we all know it.

Lastly, I know I’ve been blabbing about someone for years here but I just can’t really figure him out until I finally give up. If someone loves you, he’ll go after you… I guess it’s already too long and it’s better this way, to just simply care for someone and be buddies.

Oh God, I still don’t know how to go about my life but I don’t want depression to eat the best part of me. It’s a constant struggle. I’m stressed, I’m tired and I’m sad but I won’t give up because you’re there, my friends are there and life is still livable though.

Yeah. Thanks a lot Lord.

inspirational, journal, Life Blog, writing

My Superhero. My Favorite Person. My Dad.

Today seems to be just another Sunday in our house. I guess it’s because we really have no one here to greet a happy father’s day. Two decades and a half ago, my dad died of emphysema and multiple organ failure. He was a chain smoker, the main reason why I never tried smoking, I don’t want to die nor someone I love die because of it.

My dad is an American. He was raised up in Indianapolis, Indiana, such a laidback state in the U.S.A.. Just like any American boy, he too joined the corps but he chooses to be part of the U.S. Air Force after he finished his business degree. His life was in the airfield. He pilots a jet plane to bring meds to the wounded during wars. He’s been to different places and bases. Paris was his favorite city, no wonder I dreamt to be there too.

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Dad for me is the coolest. After he retired as a Lieutenant Colonel, he dedicated his time in teaching aeronautics here in the Philippines when Clark Airbase is still fully operational. He enjoyed owning Chicks Bar, the bar with a pub kind of set up. It’s not a disco bar but solely a bar with a chill ambiance. My dad will never live without his Scotch and cigarettes. I can say he was an alcoholic.

My dad battled his demons but as he aged he accepted the fact that he can’t totally stop it. His vices though didn’t affect too much of his relationship with my mother. He was not a loud mouth. When he drinks, he’s so quiet that each sip calms him. He too isย  a caffeine addict and prefers to have his coffee boiling hot and should be black. I guess I too do have his genes.

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Golf is my father’s favorite sport. He and Mama spend too much of their time in various golf courses. He also plays tennis and swimming. He loves the beach.

Dad loves airplanes, yachts and cars. He used to own a vintage Mercedes and Ford Cortina. He loves to assemble miniature automobiles, ships and planes as his past time. He also loves to scribble, I remembered seeing him on his desk with his glasses on while I watch my favorite cartoons. He loves to bake apples with cinnamon in it, my cousins love it so much. He too bakes different kinds of pie and sweets. He bakes cookies and walk several blocks and then gives it to children in the streets. Dad is such a man full of love.

I am one lucky kid. I was raised in a home full of love and joy. My childhood memories were so great, I can still fully recall. He treated me like a princess. He gave me a toy car that I can drive when I was 3 and from there my interest in cars grew. If he was here, he might have given me a BMW on my 18th birthday. Dad, life will be different if you’re still around.

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What could have happened if dad is still here?

** I’m a spoiled brat.
** I might be a US citizen already.
** I’ve been enjoying my life without worrying about money.
** I don’t need to work.
** I have a BMW.
** I already pilot a plane.
** I know the formula to bake his most-loved pies.

Honestly, if he’s alive I might have been materialistic. I always get what I want with my dad. It’s actually hard not to have a father during teenage years. I don’t have someone to hug nor someone to bother about Math because it’s his forte. I finished my degree in Computer Science because he wanted that for me. Anything Dad wants, I want. I love ComSci. I graduated with one cool degree not made for people with a weak determination to succeed. I know I made dad proud.

I purchased a book before by Gregory Lang. It’s about why a daughter needs a dad.

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Here are my favorite reasons :

A daughter needs a dad…

…to learn that when he says it will be okay soon, it will.
…who will laugh at her at all the right times.
…who will always have time to give her hugs and kisses.
…to make the family whole and complete.
…so she will know what it is like to be somebody’s favorite.
…to make the complex simple and the painful bearable.
…to be the safe spot she can always turn to. … to be the standard against which she will judge all men.
…so that she will have at least one hero who will not let her down.
…to tuck her in at night.
…who will let her know that while she may not be the center of someone else’s world, she is the center of his.
…to hold her as she cries.
…to share with her the wisdom she has not yet acquired.
…who teaches her she is important by stopping what he is doing to watch her.
…to teach her the joy of serving others.
…to calm her when she is stressed by her challenges.
…to tell her all that she needs to know about boys.
…to stand with her on the day she marries the man she hopes will be just like her father.
…to teach her what kind of man to choose to be the father of her children.
…to teach her to spend responsibly, save for a rainy day, and give with a generous heart.

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Life will never be the same without you in it.

Dad, I’m thankful for everything that have happened. I am now a grown up with a beautiful past. All the bad things that have happened, the difficult times we faced without you and the personal challenges I needed to face… they were all part of my past. I learned life the hard way but I didn’t and will never quit. I’m pretty much like you today. A warrior doesn’t just quit with the sight of blood, in fact it gives them more strength to persevere.

I’ll never ceased to make you proud, I’ll still continue to be your girl … it’ll be forever.

I love you, Daddy.ย