personal

Day 6: Explain Your Current Relationship

On day 6 of this blogging challenge, I’ll share about my current relationship.

I’m no longer single and the dramas I wrote before is just part of history where I learned a lot and cringe upon every time I read about my ramblings. Life is different now knowing I got someone I can totally depend on. It’s not perfect I must say as we have different opinions on a lot of things that can sometimes cause us arguments or disagreements. Our personalities are almost the same in quite areas but mine is probably stronger but despite on me being hard-headed, I always find myself listening to him.

I like to see him smile and his smile can calm me from the stress and pain that I feel. I value the time he spent on me and just being there. I do sometimes wish he’s a guy full of surprises or the romantic one because I must say he is an ultimate fail in romance and sweet stuff.

He is my kind of happy now. I remembered when we’re just starting to get to know each other and I’ve got numerous list of doubts and how my mind fed me with all the negativities this relationship has… I was terrified to be hurt all over again because I don’t know if I can still make it especially with the other problems I got. My mind has been a hellish place to be and being caught up in confusion is just “deathrifying”. It was a rough start, an offroad course only those who trust most can survive and now we’re off to better roads. We can’t deny the roadblocks and detours our relationship may have but we’re both game to what adventure awaits us. As long as we put out trust in each other even if we travel on separate roads, our love will still lead us together. I hope so. We both have dreams we long to achieve and all we need is a strong motivation to keep going… to keep on doing the best that we can to achieve our heart’s desire. All the effort today is bound to a greater future.

I’m glad I gave him the chance to prove his worth. I’m glad that he never gave up on me despite my stubborness. Everything is totally new to me at first, texting or dropping messages of my whereabouts and quitting my weekend “walwal” sessions to survive each week’s routine. It feels better now compared to the days where I have my own self doubts and fears of getting old alone with no one to love me.

I pray that this will be a forever kind of love story and if not I hope I’ll keep on believing in love as much as I’ve believed in this relationship. All we need is love to be better… always.❤

Here’s a link of my previous blog post rehashing why I love this guy: About Us.

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What I Did Today…

No fancy lunch or dinner… I choose to be alone in my room while my family watches Pacman versus Alghieri which of course is another stupid fight because I know Pacman will definitely win it.

I opened my bedside table and rekindled my childhood years. The things I decided to forget were actually well documented. I realized that I’ve been lost for quite some time already… I’ve survived because of pride. I’m alone because of pride… because I’ll never tell the man I love how much he means to me. I’m afraid of getting hurt due to the shards of my broken heart.

2005:

11/23/2005

It’s my 16th birthday. Well it’s not that great. I’m 16 and it’s really boring. Lord, thanks for this day. It’s been 16 years of struggling between me and the imperfections of the world. It’s hard but you didn’t hesitate to light my path and showing me the wonders of your creation, for replenishing my soul and inspiring my life with your word.


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Thank you for all the blessings and for the problems that you gave me because it made me into a person full of strength, courage and hope.  Thanks Lord.

Wow, never thought I’m actually mature at 16. I’m proud of myself. 🙂

2006:

Surprisingly I found this letter I wrote 8 years ago.

I’m sorry.

I already paid the consequences of my actions. I suffered a lot. I shed buckets of tears. I wrote a lot. I remembered last March 2006, I thought everything was fine between the two of us after you congratulated me before my graduation day. Comes June 2006, we saw each other yet we never said hi. We’re like strangers.

…. Insert all the bitter stuffs here ”

Years have passed. 2014 was the year that changed it all. I was able to find that courage to ask you questions I dreaded the most. We’re able to fix the friendship. We’re able to talk about how crazy our so called relationship was. It might be a product of a terrible lie but we both know the emotions were real and I told you how I loved you so much it took me hell lot of time to finally forgive myself after what I did to you. Thank you for forgiving me too. You’ve been the best pain I had endured for quite some time because it made be better and wiser.

2007:

I also wrote this commandments of Love last May 27,2007…

1. Thou shall love myself above all.
2. Thou shall not assume or hope when someone I think is “the one” comes along.
3. Thou shall look at the physical attributes first but what makes me stick is the goodness of the soul.
4.Thou shall think thoroughly before deciding something.
5. Thou shall court my family first before thyself.
6. Thou shall respect and dig what I want so as I to him.
7. Thou shall be open minded, understanding and loving all the time.
8.Thou shall prioritize my studies before love or thou shall prioritize my work and my passion.
9. Thou shall learn to accept each other’s flaws and indifferences.
10.Thou shall not be jealous or insecure, must develop one’s sense of trust.

No wonder I’m turning out to be an old maid.

It was somewhere in 2007 when I decided to fully embraced the positives. I got to admit, teenage life really sucks. I’ve been an emo kid who listens to Fall Out Boys and other Punk artists. I’m disgusted now of my own drama before. If only I can turn back the hours I could have not wasted my teen years wallowing how shitty my life was. Suicidal thoughts…  It was never ending yet I don’t have the courage to do it. Good thing though. Life’s still worth living despite the jaded and frustrating times.

At a very young age, my self awareness is really great. I acknowledged the fact that I’m egoistic. I live to feed my soul, to bring pride and worth to myself. My world used to revolve on achievements, good grades, service to others and doing my passions. It was exhausting yet it was fulfilling. I also acknowledged the fact that at 16 I’m not really good in expressing my emotions. I write my feelings and rarely talk about it. Blogging and writing my thoughts make me happy. I would prefer people to call me a nerd than a bitch.

2011:

05/09/2011

Dear God,

—– is in a relationship. Well, people around me are except me. I always pray for that one special person to finally come, for that someone I’ll spend forever with. Heaven forbids I’ll grow up alone.

God, I hope he’s worth the wait. I trust you and please grant me the patience as I wait for him while I become a better version of myself.

Carol. 

— I’m deep.  Yeah,  3 years have passed and I’m still praying the same thing. Gugreaaaat! 

2013

03/24/2013

Dear 9 month older self,

I wrote because I love to write or maybe because I got inspired by watching Perks of Being a Wallflower. Things are getting rough right now and work still sucks. I’m actually confused if I’ll still give it another shot.

I’m lost.
I still don’t know what to do with my life. I’ve got plans but certainly don’t know where to start. I want to be a wedding planner, graphic designer, blogger, team leader and the list goes on and on. I hope that by the time you’re reading this letter you’ve already started on what you really wanted to be.

Love.
Oh well. I must say things are going well between me and ——-. We’re not together but he’s special. I hope I’ll be able to ask him the questions I longed to ask him. If he’s not the one, I hope I’ll be able to find someone because it’s been too long already and it’s about time to be inspired and happy. I hope things will turn out to be great between the two of us, I really hope so.

Family.
I hope nothing bad will happen. 

Old self, I hope you’ve done something great before the year ends.  I don’t want you to cry and feel that you are weak. You’re awesome!  You’re great!  I know the struggles I’m in right now will soon fade away and I hope it’ll all make sense by the time you’re reading this.  I know things will be great and I just hope that it’ll be.

❤,

Carol

That was shocking though, I never read that letter until today.

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Well I’m halfway there. I’m still lost but I’m now a team lead trainee finishing her Master’s degree in business. Love wise…  I’m still inlove with the same guy and I still don’t have the courage to ask him the questions whose answers I dread the most.

I guess I didn’t age much. My mindset is still the same and my faith untarnished. I am still that 16 year old kid who trusts his Savior so much.

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I’ll continue my journey in finding the meaning of today. Every stitch, every struggle, every pain has a reason and all I need is a little faith and trust.

Thanks to awesome friends who’ve been there for me through good times and the bad. Yaaay grabbing some pictures from my Facebook friends.

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Thanks for giving me the sanity to survive each day. Thanks for the never ending support.

Also, thanks to my mama for raising me. I’m not a perfect daughter but you’ve been a good provider to me.

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journal, life

Love Will Never Be Enough

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http://thelovewhisperer.me

Love does not make you whole, it is you who makes your life whole. ”

Relationship is a commitment between two people who are willing to go through their life complexities together.

I am old fashioned when it comes to love.

At my age right now, I am no longer interested in flings and whatsoever. I’ve never been interested in that kind of set up. I want a serious relationship ever since high school. I can be completely honest by telling those boys who’ve wanted to court me before that I’m not interested.  I don’t want them to make the effort for nothing. I know what I want and if at first it won’t work why would I let them do chivalry acts only to end up broken, that’s unfair and mean.

I would admit I’m in love right now, I cannot deny it because I’ve wrote too much about him. This blog is my personal space that stores my emotions. I know people can read it but I don’t actually care. It’s my thoughts published in an electronic sheet of paper awaiting for other people’s criticisms and judgment. Again, I don’t actually care.

Going back to love shits, I have pondered it too well. I used to rush things as I have a strong feeling we’ll work out but I’ve realized that it’s not just about emotions. Just when I thought I’m ready to commit and confess my feelings, reality slapped me. It’s not easy.

I’m not even ready for commitments. I can’t even fix my personal issues. I can’t even figure out how I will live my life because I’m just simply living in the present not caring too much about the future. I can’t even decide on what I really wanted to be. It’s a little crazy and unfair again to drag someone in my complex world even I can’t figure out. I’m fixing my past relationships for me to have that closure that I totally need. I’m slowly finding each missing pieces to complete my dreams and work on my goals. I am not ready for a relationship at all and God made me realized that. It’s crazy to pray and pray for him to realized I’m actually worth it when in fact he does not deserve someone who still has issues to be fixed.

I actually don’t know until when I’ll work on my life issues. I don’t know if he can actually wait because as I can see he too needs to do something with himself because he has issues as well. I thank God for telling me to wait, not all that I want will happen according to my plans. God has his plans for me and I’m seeking for support and guidance that he’ll help me figure out what I really want in this life. I’m working on my Master’s degree. I was recently promoted. I am still fixing my financial issues and personal dilemmas. I am slowly fixing everything for my own good, for me to be fully ready once the time comes.

Beyond that, I feel blessed and happy. I am happy despite the struggles. I am happy despite the pain I’ve endured. I am happy to have someone I can totally trust. I am happy with what God has given me.

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