love, Uncategorized

About Us

I remembered praying for love, a kind of love that would destroy the walls I’ve built for years. You came — you slowly walked into the walls I’ve made, tried to touch it and it melted my uncertainties. Maybe I’m inlove with you way back or maybe I’m not but what is certain is that I want you in my life as a friend. Until this day, you reminded me how beautiful life can be.

I honestly forgot how our friendship started, probably just a simple message turned into daily talk about work and life. It was a series of messages turned into long calls of stories being shared that turned out to be my blog inspiration. We eat and talk most of the time. I got hooked to the daily thing that it was hard to be taken away from my routine — our routine.

I don’t trust people that much but talking to you was a breeze. I wrote blogs and poetry with you in my mind — there were hopes, there were pain, there were love yet unrealized that time.

Hearing you broke up with your ex was actually a rollercoaster of feelings that piled up. I wanted to breathe further as I’m being drowned by my thoughts. I know I’m mad with what she has done yet in my heart there was too much care for you – that kind of care that scares you because you know it’s not right. I called several times just to check if you’re fine. I wanted to be there for you whenever you hated the world. I wanted to comfort you. All I wanted was for you to be okay all the time, to be happy.

You are an amazing person, BTW.

You push me to my limits, dared me to try a different approach when things don’t work out the way I planned it to be.

I must admit that not all days with you are perfect. There are times we argue due to opposing views and oftentimes my point and yours are being misunderstood by the other. I know that it is frustrating. We are our at wits end sometimes. I hope we’ll never give up in trying to understand, I’m glad we spend our time talking and listening after arguing. Listening is vital — beyond words, actions and facial expressions.

There are days when I don’t get your humor while mine is so shallow for you to bear. I admit that you’re street smart in a lot of ways compared to me. What I know is pretty much basic compared to how you see life.

It annoys me when you’re being bossy and raising your voice to stress out points sometimes. I know I’m not perfect and I tend to raise my voice too especially when I’m frustrated. I know you cared that’s why you comment on my driving skills. I hate that you are not into travelling but thanks for trying to be with me most of the time. I hate that I can’t order shrimp pasta because I can’t share it with you and you know how much I love sharing my favourite food and places to you. I hate that you don’t like salads and veggies for the reason I stated earlier. I hate it but you know I still love you.

Our mood sometimes ruin our perfect moment and I’m being too dramatic in dealing with life sometimes that it irks you because life is actually simple supposed to be. I apologize for being wired this way sometimes, emotional and idealistic.

There are too many indifferences that both of us questioned how long both of us will last when we always end up frustrated with each other. Hmmmmmnnnn…

I guess it’s too early to tell because we are both adjusting and accepting. You can’t be changed and I can’t be changed. We are who we are and it’s lovely. No one captured my heart the way you did it. You slowly picked up my broken pieces, tried to patch it all up and made those pieces whole again. The wounds reminded me how strong I am all these years and it’s worth another try especially that it’s you.

We are both smart people who came from different social and family backgrounds. There’s a huge difference in how we see life and it’s beautiful to learn from each other.

The optimist meets the pessimist.

The ambivert and the introvert.

The idealist and the realist.

John Paul, I love you for being you.

I love you because you care for me and that you love me despite my flaws. I love you so much that it scares me sometimes. I’m in love right now to the point that I can’t imagine my life without you. I hate to go back to those days I’m nursing a broken heart and hates cupid to the nth level. I don’t want to go back to those days that I cry for not being that girl who is worth the words. I hate to be alone. Even if my solitude brings peace, life is better if being shared with the one you love the most.

I miss my old self — less stress, always smiling and cheerful. People always comment that my laughter is contagious. What I’ve become? Despite how I’ve changed because of work, you were there. You still look at me with that crazy smile sometimes, I always catch you by the way and it keeps the butterflies in my stomach alive.

I will be here for you babe, to not cheat on my feelings and to you. I want to have more adventures. I want to spend time with you. I want to hear your thoughts on how your day went and I want to be your partner in playing Rules of Survival.

I hope that you’re the one God sent because I prayed too hard for this moment to come in my life. I’m glad you came and I hope it’s for good.

Finally, a blog post dedicated for you my love. You’ve made a significant mark in my life to move me to write about you…about us. More to come for the years to come — hopefully.

Sorry for being stubborn and thanks for being my sunshine, for keeping me happy when my skies are gray and I hope that God won’t take my sunshine away( insert Moira’s song here).

I love you, always. 😊

personal

Different Being.

I stared blankly to empty spaces wondering why. A lot of questions wrapped my happy bubble and I got intoxicated by my own thoughts. I never thought I’ll feel it again, losing faith in life… questioning my existence with nothing to hold on to anymore. I drafted my supposed to be blog post days ago but I cannot just finished it.Words won’t come out and the feeling of hopelessness is slowly killing me.

I was so happy last week. I never felt so free but after my recent vacation reality hit me so hard. I lost my phone’s memory with all my pictures and files gone to tech heaven. I was devastated. I don’t want to rehash how intoxicated I am with the negativities and realities I kept on running away from. Suicide ideation flooded the remaining piece of hope I had — here I am again, thinking of ending everything.

This time I did tell several people, not to stop me from actually doing it but probably have someone I can argue to. People who’ll know how crazy I can be; People who’ll probably think I’m a psychopath for putting up with unnecessary dramas knowing that some people are actually in worst case than I am but no I want them to know that depression is real and I’m trying to escape it but it’s haunting me. 

Last weekend I went out with friends and talked about it. They do understand my situation and would actually empathize.I didn’t feel any different after except of course that weird feeling of ripping yourself off to your friends who consider you as the life of the party. I am, I must say will always be but it’s just not that normal for me – to be seen crying hopelessly. It’s not normal to talk about depression and it’s not normal to share it with people but I did. I’m still not sure if I’ll be glad that I did.
Life still for me is a pointless journey. I still hate everything. I hate being smart. I hate loving people who can’t even see my worth. I hate my work because I need to cope up with people who tests my patience and can’t meet my expectations. I hate the world and all of its dramas. I simply hate it but what can I do about it? 

Perhaps, change my perspective.

When I shared what I’m up to with my closest friends, they now looked at me in ways I never imagined them to be. I can sense that they’re sad because I’m actually thinking of dying when the world has a lot to offer for me.I don’t see any hope at all with regard to my situation and trying to be strong is not an option or a necessity. It’s just a memory.

Maybe you’re wondering why I’m still blabbing if I wanted to die already. Well probably because I don’t know how to end it in a sophisticated way rather than jumping off a building or overdose myself. I just don’t know how to do it even if I wanted it. That is a tough problem I need to surpass. Geez. 

Going back to my life right now, I did something stupid. I booked myself to a tour package alone in Baler next month. My friend in Manila wants me to accompany him in Puerto Galera to unwind but I think it would be better for me to go alone. It gave me a certain thrill and I hold on to that excitement. Today I live because I know tomorrow has no guarantee but as long as I exist I can do something about it. 

Life surely knows how to play its trick. I questioned God again to the point of being blasphemous. I cursed him again for being so unfair to me even if I’m faithful to him. I tried to be a better person but God, he made me suffer and test me. He asked me to wait and wait and now to the point of me giving up. I believed that things will change and people too but it became a huge disappointment. My indecisiveness frustrated me for I still cannot think of a better career. I no longer assumed or believed in everything. I lose faith in the things I do and lastly I lose faith in life and all its aspects.

I sat here watching people live their lives. I watched how people look at their children in awe. I looked at the guard waiting for his shift to end. I looked at the taxi driver waiting for a passenger. I looked at the laughing girl wondering what’s her story behind and how I used to look at myself — positive, idealistic and full of hope.

Maybe I should be a little less hopeful this time. I should stop over analyzing things and let life happen as it bound to be. I sat here with a little faith that my fate will change.I’ll probably expect the worst in life.I’ll expect that I’ll be alone and that nobody will be strong enough to tell me how I’m meant in his life. I’ll expect that nothing great will happen in my work life despite the effort I exert to it. What do I get right now? Frustrations. It is so difficult to live in this world with an expectation that it’s easy if people see things the way I see it. Pretty much a boring world if that’s the case — no challenge and purely happiness.

I recalled how my friend looked at me, a look of pity and how I hate that feeling. All of my life I’m programmed to be the alpha. I have an image to maintain but I ripped off my mask to people I trust aside from my best friend. They saw how vulnerable I can be yet accepted me. I feel a bit better but still bothered. They assured me that they’ll be there for me but I know that this battle is better off alone. I know I’m not strong but I know that this might be just a phase.

I would want to look at today in the nearby future with proud thoughts and realizations that my recent past needs to happen because it will make me better and that it’s just a prelude to a life I’ve been waiting. Whatever.blah.blah.blah. I should stop being too hopeful. 

I don’t want to hope anymore but I can’t help it sometimes. Life’s a joke and the joke is currently on me.

Today, I rest my case.

Oh and lastly… in your eyes I found a tinge of hope; what we have is something that I can hold on to.

I just want something like this.
Good vibes. 🙂