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Let Me Write What I Feel.

I guess I am always a universe full of secrets. I have been this way since time immemorial. To be honest, I am not the one who shows her feelings because I have been building walls for years already. I am not the type who jumps into relationship for the sake of having one. I am not the reckless kid who gets drunk and have sex with random strangers just because you only lived once. I am not the typical lady. I am not even a lady. I don’t wear make up, I don’t wear dresses, I don’t date… I don’t fucking care.

I have been like this and I am embracing this personality inch by inch. I like who I am, I like who I become.

I am independent. I can manage to be alone in a coffee shop without feeling lonely. I watch movies I want to watch whether I am with friends or alone. I can be with group of people, in a crowd or alone. I am comfortable whenever and wherever I want to be.

I have been lost, been blabbing about it already for years. This quarter life thingy is really getting into my nerves. I mean, I have planned my life so hard, but voila I am not even an inch where I want to be. I feel like a complete f*cked up. I graduated with a great bachelor’s degree then took up my master’s degree for nothing. Errrr…. still a complete dope.

I cannot forgive myself because I let my guards down. I never give in to stupid gestures. I always believed I am heartless. I remembered the last time I had someone in my life. I think like a man, I hate complications. I hate bullshits. I want you to tell me straight if you like me or not so that I can just do the band aid pull if I am not interested. Please cut off the stares, the chummy smiles… it makes me nauseous. I don’t even have a tinge of romance in my system. I have been like this for almost a decade. I feel sick whenever I get involved or almost involved with someone who is interested in me. After my heart got broken, torn into pieces I decided to pick myself up slowly. I decided not to let my guards down anymore because I know I will just end up alone again. Now, here I am facing the worst thing that have happened to myself, being sweet (just saying that word made me cringe). God. HELP!

I drunk text my bestfriend something 2 Sundays ago.

I told him to take care and text me once he’s home because he freaks me out sometimes especially when he’s driving drunk and alone. I stupidly texted him stuff that make me want to die after I read those text thread 3 days after. I honestly did not dare to look at our conversations after I woke up Monday morning. I was scared. I do crazy things when I am drunk. I am careless, reckless… totally crazy. I feel happy and free and I know I got totally wasted that night. I tried to be normal though. I don’t want to be affected but things actually changed between us. He seems to be cold, a little distant that I don’t actually understand. It was awkward.

I tried to reach out, still trying to be normal but he’s not. I then wonder what seems to be the problem so I decided to check the thread of text messages that we have that night.

OH GOD. LORD. OH GOD. 

I was screaming inside. I was hysterical. I am horrified.

OH GOD. LORD. OH GOD. 

Those are the words I kept on uttering as I lie in my bed, hands over my face, trying to hide from the hideous memories.

I even called him “LAB” (that “buki” endearment).

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, I AM SO SORRY!

This ain’t chill you know. I don’t do shit like this. I am cold, so cold even a polar bear can live in my heart. I mean I do have feelings for him but I let it grow in the darkest corners of my cerebral system. Yes, I write about him but still I cannot believe I am finally showing it. I mean I am not good at this stuff because I am not used to being chummy but I don’t know. I detached myself if things get too complicated. I already heard him say those three words but I never believed it. I was never awkward. Tang ina, who would believe a drunk person?

Awkward tayo? Ba’t ganun? Hindi ko gets!

So there, I have been freaking out for the past few days. I even took the courage to ask him what could have been wrong, why the sudden change and he said he just got lots of problems to deal with. eh di wow! Seriously?

I don’t want to believe you though. I know I am part of the problem. I just don’t get it. I mean what you’re doing to me right now is a bit unfair. You start to be distant and cold. You make me feel like I have a disease or something. You make me feel like I am not even worthy to be love. The moment you became cold, I get it. You don’t love me. You made me feel so hideous and that hurts you know. It hurts to accept the fact that yes, I broken some walls I build for years to a love that crushed me back into pieces. If you want space, then tell me. You don’t keep people hanging somewhere trying to decipher what the hell is wrong. I am not stupid.

You broke my ego. You broke my heart. 

I just cannot believe you are so willing to let go of our friendship that easily by shutting me off your life. FINE.

journal, life, work, writing

02/10 – Day 79: Perspective

How do you see the glass?

For some, it’s empty; for others, it’s half full.

As time passes by, my perspectives in life had changed. I know that there are more dramas to come but I always try to think of positive things rather than sulk in one corner and wishing that my life would end too soon. I appreciate the little things more, the ones that cannot be seen and the ones that only your heart can feel. I can finally say that through the years I am now mature enough and more independent.

Life offers thousands of reasons for you to hate it. I, on the other hand as a lot of reasons to love it despite the struggles. Think of it this way, if life is too good to be true where will all the fun be? Where will all the realizations of how awesome life is go? When will you realized that life is beautiful despite the mess?

Sometimes, all we need to do is make use of our senses. We need to open our eyes into different opportunities that may come our way. Recently, I need to decide whether to continue what I started before or just be in the safe side wherein I already master the routine. I decided to be on the safe side and waited for another sign. The sign never failed me. It took a lot of rigorous thinking and one sleepless day for me to decide whether I will take the opportunity again despite the emotional turmoils that I’ve been through for the past months. It was not easy trying to rebuild the self-esteem that was lost. It feels like I am not worth it, not efficient and capable enough even though I know that I can and I don’t need to brag what I achieved prior to being part of this work force. I am not the perfect student before but I know I never failed to be a student servant. I don’t want to be called a student leader… I did not just lead, I served. I may not have the highest position at school but I lead a club where its members are just volunteers. They are not there for grades, they are there because they have the passion to serve others wholeheartedly. It was not easy… not as it seems.

I don’t know what the future beholds with the decision that I will be making but one thing is for sure, I will take the opportunity and see what will happen next.

I just want to try again and redeem my broken ego.

Whether I get what I want or not… either ways I win. I just don’t want to regret it someday — I just need to try again. I was sincerely happy when I decided not to apply anymore. My teammates are amazing and I love working with them. They are bunch of people whose desire to excel is amazingly done without putting too much effort and we are lead by one amazing person who never fails to motivate us. My decision indeed is bittersweet. I know the workload is far more different but I am no longer apprehensive. I am just scared but I never doubted my skills. I know I can it’s just that I am plainly lazy and always on my comfort zone. I need to be bold and determined that if I want something to happen, I need to be tough and make things go the way I wanted it to be.

Even if your perspective in life is too sunny… sometimes you really need to expect the worst. Always try to focus on the positive things that life has to offer but always be cautious though… life is full of surprises so you better be prepared for the twists and turns of events. Never be complacent enough. Whatever the outcome of my choice will be, I am prepared.

Life is a matter of perspective, life is a matter of choice too. I choose to be happy! 🙂