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Blogging Challenge Day 1: Share Where You See Yourself In 10 Years

It’s been a while since the last time I blogged my thoughts. Honestly, I tried hard to write, tried even harder to sum up my ideas and ended up in despair. It’s that time of the year again where I suffer from occasional writer’s block, a lame reason I made up to justify my laziness. I need to gather my thoughts and write something sensible or should I say personal just like what I’ve been doing for almost a decade here in WordPress.

Today I challenged myself to write again just because I want to do something special 30 days before I turn 29. Birthday blues are brewing within my system but work life keeps my mind too preoccupied that it has no time to be sad. I searched some topics online to somehow keep me alive in the field I am pretty much interested into and found some son called cure. I got this idea from Pinterest and I’m excited to start my own but I’ll somehow tweak it a bit. I won’t follow Katy’s suggestion on what needs to go first, I rather make up my own list and survive this one-month of cerebral journey.

Thanks to KatyWidrick.com

Day 1 is supposed to be a quick run through of my current relationship status but I don’t feel that topic to jump start this list of thoughts. I want to share more of myself and my goals for the next 10 years because by then I’ll be 38 and that’s pretty old. 👵

Dear God, I see myself as a materialistic asshole with this list I made and please forgive me as it is still a work in progress:

  1. Driving a pick-up or an SUV off-road somewhere with friends or family just because it’s weekend.
  2. Graduating with another post grad degree probably in Psychology or finishing Law School and be an attorney.
  3. Travelling to more places internationally… ( Singapore, Japan, Indonesia, Malaysia, Europe, Thailand, Hongkong, Taiwan and more…)
  4. Being with my love in Palawan, Siargao and Batanes as well as arguing on what stories we’ll start publishing and sorting out our ideas on what to do, where to go next
  5. Getting promoted at work and developing my skills or finally resigning to get a job that would enhance my skillset and make me work outside of my comfort zone. I am interested into strategic management and corporate planning but I also wanna go away from traditional and rigid way of implementing processes.
  6. Building a huge following in Instagram and engaging more people to appreciate poetry and photography. I might as well try spoken poetry.
  7. Publishing a coffee table book that includes my haikus and poems.
  8. Having a big birthday celebration for my mom and be with her most of the time. I just want her to always remember my name.
  9. Getting married and having 2-3 kids.
  10. Being financially free and live a comfortable life.

The list goes on as time passes by but I want to go back to this post one day to check if I was able to work on my plans. I even sent a copy of this to myself via FutureMe.org to review after a decade.

It’s refreshing to feel a little bit of pressure after a long time. I never wanted to force myself to write but I got to, I need to. Coming up with this post is nerve wracking but I’m glad I was able to finish this with a joy in my heart. This is just the start of something new.

Thanks for visiting! 💓

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11:11

Warning: Rants, just rants. 

Making myself better by this words. 

It’s 11:11pm when I opened WordPress and I’m still thinking of a better title for this blog post. Better stick to what came up my mind during that particular moment. Also, to heighten my 11:11 phenomena I made a wish. 

It’s another weekend and my mind just wants to unwind. I think I overslept thus the laziness that I feel. 

I am currently sulking in my room nursing the pain I feel.  It’s like holding my shattered heart and trying to puzzle all those shards out and when it’s almost perfect you’ll just throw it on the wall and listen to the sound of those broken pieces.  Terrible, I know. 

Never have I thought I’ll be able to escape my own insecurities. I know my strengths but my weaknesses even better. I do not even know why I am allowing my mind to cripple me. My thoughts can be so intoxicating, it always remind me to stop hoping for someone who can actually see how worthy I can be.  NO ONE. 

I guess all those failed almost relationships stained everything. Until now I see myself as ugly,  fat, unlovable and pathetic but I’ve accepted those flaws already. I learned to love my unlovable side. No one will be able to love me so I’ve decided to love myself. I choose to be better and cold. 

Every 11:11 I wish to find someone who’ll just accept me for who I am and be man enough to tell me he loves me. I wish to find love for I wasted my life hoping it’ll all be better in the end. I am left with false hopes, bottles of beers, stupid poetry, depression, stress eating and broken heart. At this age, I’m becoming more hopeless than I used to be.  

Those butterflies are killed. 

I’m trying to sort my life but I think I’m still making stupid decisions. I’m tired of crying because all these years I haven’t achieved much of what I’ve planned out. I’m pretty much a loser pretending I got it all figured out. Modern dating sucks. Relationships sucks and meant for other people except me. It’s like I’ve been cursed. 

Boys trying to enter my life and won’t even stay so why enter in the first place? Door’s open LEAVE. 

Friends who’ll try to tell you all those good words but your life didn’t change anyway. 

Life trying to surprise you and hurts you anyways.

Family who said they’ll support you and start ghosting anyway. 

I pretty much always end up with myself. I know I can make it through this drama probably just  sleep my feelings and dream about beaches and sunsets then wake up regretting this blog post. 

11:11 — I wish I didn’t exist because to live without feeling a sense of purpose is meaningless and I don’t want to grow old alone so please God, do your thing. 

Good job Cupid for granting other people’s desires while you keep on missing mine since my birth. Screw you for always messing up! 

** Bon Nuit**

personal

On Frustration. 

Days ago I am afraid of what might November brings into my life this year. I seem to be cursed because most of my dreaded memories usually happen during my birth month.  I already expected it but still never fails to surprise me.  To cut the long story short, it just happened today. 

I am still battling quarter life crisis. I am still fighting my demons that poison my thoughts. There are instances when I ask myself if I’m where I wanted to be and usually my subconscious would say NO. I wanted to do a lot of things most of the time restricted by monetary reasons. I think I’m screwed because at 26 I still don’t have savings to be proud of. My years were spent on wasting my weekends eating and drinking. I invested on myself but I haven’t make use of my masters degree yet. I’ve been into places this year feeding my wanderlust but I still go home feeling incomplete. I attended too many kiddie parties this year asking myself when will I have one to prepare for. I see a lot of couples and I’m wondering when will I be committed. Work was the only thing that seemed to be right and here I am frustrated for the nth time to the new changes. 

The movement from one department to another came in as a surprise. I was a bit depressed knowing I got my ball already rolling and I’m just waiting for results. I spent most of my time looking for job aids that can help out my team to be more efficient and effective. We were delivering the numbers and I know I’ll nail the top team award if it continues for a month but guess what — life happened. I accepted the change. I was demotivated. I need to psych up myself in adjusting to a newer ground. Shit. 

It was weeks of battling depression because I need to adjust and how I hate adjusting and getting to know people but I still do it because of course I don’t have a choice. 

They gave me a new team. I did everything I can to work things out.  Numbers are good, all I did is to remind them. I was able to fix their absenteeism rate. Months pass by and I got to know them more. They are bunch of locos who match my kind of crazy and we’re able to really click as a team. So far they are the most easy to deal with, lesser dramas and more fun. It wasn’t a good ride but I am challenged enough to do everything I can to make them back on top — to make me back from where I was,  top team lead, top team. My work is the only thing that is actually right in my life. The rest are work in progress and nightmares I ought not to focus on or else it would just heighten my depression that I am overcoming on my own. 

Today, I got the news that I’ll have a different tteam with only 6 out of  16 will be left under my wing. 

I don’t know how to respond but my mind keeps on flashing memories. It happened thrice in my career life and my life frustration then hits me.

At 26, I still don’t have a car. I still don’t have a fat savings account. I’m just getting fatter. I still don’t have a boyfriend. I am 80% away from my dreams. I am still a struggling photographer wannabe without the gadgets. I’m still searching for my purpose.  I feel incomplete. 
I want to throw everything my hands can grab and wail my heart out because of frustration. I want to make things too difficult for others. They won’t understand and I won’t explain because this is my own battle. It’s not just changing of roster, it’s my own frustration with my life. I am planning how to move my team already and it breaks me to start all over again, to be all psyched up and put my game face on because I’m being challenged. A coach doesn’t give up easily and I’m almost there — I’m tired now. 

I wany to wrap myself with a blanket with a cup of hot choco in hand while watching the crescent as the clouds fade its beauty and the waves keep on tossing and turning. I want to be away today. 

If only I get paid to travel, I will. I want to find my core again. I want to chase my unrealized dreams. 

November happened again and I’m in rock bottom AGAIN. I hope to wake up with void feelings and not being haunted by my frustrations. 

Happy birthday to me! 

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Battling Quarter Life Crisis and More.

And so, let’s just say I am trying to be fine despite all the odds and eccentrities of my life. I am not really exaggerating for the nth time. I apologize for being such a dope today.

I have come to realized that I am indeed suffering from quarter life crisis. It’s not like other crisis you know such as inflation rate resulting to economic crisis or you not having the budget to buy luxury items and declare to the world that you are suffering from financial crisis, it’s the kind of crisis that affect those twenty something people wondering on their “what’s next?” in life.

I guess I am normal since I am going through this phase of my life. I feel a little shitty, honestly. I just don’t know what to do with my life aside of course from YOLO-ing since 23 and just going with the flow but this come what may kind of life is not really the life I want to live. I want more out of it. I recently got my Master’s degree in Business Administration and I should be proud of it since I was able to juggle my work and school but I just feel fine about it, no biggie while others are screaming “Congratulations!”. Should I really be proud? I don’t think so. I am plainly weird because I don’t like any fuss and I don’t like bragging those little milestones in my life. I just hate too much attention.

Anyways, let’s go back to this quarter life crisis thing. Let me share to you an article I stumbled upon after I crazily googled quarter life crisis. It’s found on this website: http://allgroanup.com/adult/25-signs-quarter-life-crisis/

I want to comment on each signs. Here you go:

25 Signs You are Having a Quarter Life Crisis

1.  You glare at your cat in the morning as you get ready for work and say, “God, I wish I had your life.” — I even say it to any animals who just simply chill and not worrying about bills and finances. Geez, go get a job cat and realized how miserable life can be.2.  “Am I ever going to feel like myself again?” Is something you ask. Every day. — EVERY SINGLE DAY! I apologize for screaming but I can relate to this, I usually ask myself if I’ll be able to feel alive again, you know sunshiney – happy – full of daisies kind of me. 

3.  A Bon Iver or John Mayer song comes on and you start crying. By yourself, or around friends. Or in the middle of a coffee shop as strangers slowly usher their children away. — Any song that I can totally relate to, I cry privately. 

4.  “When is life going to feel like it’s supposed to?” Is something you ask. Every day. — When will I be totally happy? Again… sunshiney-happy-full-of-daisies kind of me. 

5.  You’re reading this article right now because you Googled: “Quarter Life Crisis?” — OH SHIT!

6.  Visualizing yourself 15 years from now doing your bosses job makes you throw up a little in your mouth. — This is so true.

7.  You’re having arguments with your mom again about cleaning your bathroom and being home at a reasonable hour. — No arguments, it’s just me battling my patience because my mom seems to be affected by old age. It scares me a lot knowing I might lose her one day and I’ll be alone. 

8.  Your monthly routine of expenses being greater than your income is dawning on you as a serious problem. — Tell me more about it. 

9.  You’re having arguments with your newly cemented spouse and/or roommate that sound awfully like the arguments your parents used to have, that you swore you’d never have, yet are having. — Cannot relate to this.

10. You’ve moved six times in the last four years.

B.  You’ve had six jobs in the last four years.

C.  You’ve had six boyfriends in the last four years.

D.  You’ve had six girlfriends in the last four years.

E.  You’ve had no boyfriends/girlfriends in the last six years and you’re scared your boyfriending orgirlfriending is broken. —– I’ll be forever alone with 8 cats and 5 dogs. 

11.  You’d pay top dollar for a moment of clarity. — I am willing to pay thousand bucks just for me to be able to see the path that will lead me to happiness and fulfillment.

12.  That young mom with the crazy hair and stains on her shirt and bags under her eyes that kind of smells like rotten milk who you rolled your eyes at throughout college. Yeah, well you roll your stroller into a coffee shop after waking up six times with your baby and see a college girl look you up and down with that same disgust. And it takes everything within you not to walk over to that snooty college princess and punch her in the face. — Oh God, NOOOO! I think I’ll be single forever even if I adore kids.

13.  Your part-time, temporary job at Starbucks has lasted three and ½ years. — I haven’t had the chance to work in Starbucks but I would love too…

14.  You binge on buying brand names to try and cover up that you’re broke. — I am still not into mainstream but I do buy stuff even if I am broke.

15.  You find yourself repelled and compelled by church at the same time. You ask God for help one day and then you’re yelling at him the next. Your faith is a roller coaster and you’re pretty sure your seat belt is about to come undone. — I am so sorry God, I am such a stubborn brat. 

16.  You see so clearly the two roads in front of you. A life of comfort and a life of risk. And you’re not sure you have the right car or directions to go down either one. — Indeed.

17.  You surf the internet so much at work every day that you literally hit a point where you don’t know what else to search for. — AMEN TO THIS. Life at work sometimes bore me.

18.  You laughed, and cried, when you read 21 Secrets for your 20’s. —GEEZ.

19.  Making a budget is completely debilitating.

Even thinking about doing your taxes. Debilitating.

Buying groceries. Debilitating.

Doing dishes. Cooking dinner. Looking for a job. Calling your mom back. Calling your best friend back. Picking up the phone at all. DEBILI-FRICKING-TATING.

So you watch four seasons in a row of _________, while Facebook stalking exes and enemies. — You bet. I rather do the FB stalking and read through blogs of my friends and enemies. My finances make me sick.

20.  The phrase you dread hearing the most at work is, “Congratulations, you’re getting a promotion.” — Oh my!

21.  You feel like every time you’re a bridesmaid/groomsman, an angel loses it’s wings. — I KNOW RIGHT?!!! I am saying hi to my spinster self all over again and cry over their beautiful vows. Life is sooooo damn unfair.

22.  You dream about going back and punching yourSmug-College-Self who was so sure had all the answers. — True. Just when you thought life is so easy huh? Well, IT IS NOT. IT’S NOT!!! It’s damn  not!!!! wooooozah!!!!

23.  You seek out a mentor for answers one week and you avoid them like the 8th grader with bad BO, the next. — Grrr… damn right, this list is so damn right.

24.  You have no idea where to go for answers. — damn right again!

Yet

25. You’re 99.7% sure a road-trip would fix everything. — DEFINITELY… but where to old soul, where to?

So here I go again, I am constantly battling this life crisis without knowing the actual answers on how to resolve such phase. I have a good paying and stable job. I got my degree in Masters in Business Administration. I am single and I am hating it even if I have personal space issues. I don’t know how to overcome my life problems. Oh God, help me out here!

Sighs… and more sighs.

inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog

Life. 08.24.14

Quarter life crisis.

Dear God,

I know you know how much I’ve been through. I have no idea how I survived until now. It’s hard to juggle things and feel like a superhero. It sucks knowing people depend on you. I never appreciated myself too much though, what I know is that I am good and when I want something so badly, I worked hard for it until someone came along the way and told me that I’m actually good and can even be great. All of my life I wanted to achieve things to make my mom proud and I know I’ve accomplished that mission but it did not end there, I still feel so incomplete.

Here I am, writing away my feelings and acknowledge my sadness. I am sad despite all the good things that have come my way, maybe because I am getting tired of being a superhero and stop myself from saving people, from understanding, from helping … I’m tired of being like this for all the damn years I lived. I want someone to save
me. I want someone to take care of me and be with me in my quest to make this world better.

I can’t find him still.

It double sucks when you’ve found someone whom you really like but he has a different preference though. I am a sucker for a man who has that wit and that every conversation seems to have a lot of sense and is very mature enough in dealing life as we all know it.

Lastly, I know I’ve been blabbing about someone for years here but I just can’t really figure him out until I finally give up. If someone loves you, he’ll go after you… I guess it’s already too long and it’s better this way, to just simply care for someone and be buddies.

Oh God, I still don’t know how to go about my life but I don’t want depression to eat the best part of me. It’s a constant struggle. I’m stressed, I’m tired and I’m sad but I won’t give up because you’re there, my friends are there and life is still livable though.

Yeah. Thanks a lot Lord.

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Some things that bother you at 24…

I’m a year away from suffering the dreaded quarter life crisis. I’ve been in a constant struggle of deciphering what I really want to happen in my life and how I’ll work on my dreams. It’s a series of emotional turmoils, of drinking cocktails, beers and rhum, of waking up every single day trying to like your pointless job and of wondering what the future beholds when nothing actually makes sense as of the moment.

Being Lost.

I’ve been lost for quite some time. I have a lot of things in mind and lots of dreams to work on.  It’s been a hell of a crazy life we 20-something yuppies need to face. I used to earnestly plan my life with lots of goals being set. I used to think that after graduation I’ll be filthy rich wherein every summer I’m in the best tropical destination the world has to offer and I have lots and lots of cars to ride. Oh well. I also used to list my plans and be the most organized person ever. Guess what, I just ended up being too frustrated. That’s why I hate perfectionist people (check out my last tumblr blog entry where I rant about the perfectionists…).

It’s not what I really think it is. Life after college is a jungle. We need to thrive so that we can survive.  Basically, we are bothered because we are still working on things that we’re not even sure if it’ll work or not. We finally realized that life after college is not actually that easy. But here’s the thing,  being crazily paranoid of your future is pretty much normal at this age.

Being Single.

The best answer on why I’m single is the fact that I’m emotionally unavailable. I’m not a cold-hearted monster. I used to have a healthy, issue – free and happy heart.  It’s been a decade since the last time my heart suffered its first breakage. I have no idea how I survived but I’m glad I did. I’ve been NBSB. I’m not even hard to deal with. I’ve been infatuated for quite some time and I’m now caring for someone who’s been special to me for quite some time now as well.

Let me share why I like this boy because the world needs to know how amazing he is.  I like him because he knows how to deal with my weirdness. He’s not the typical boy.  He’s a little high maintenance which stresses me occasionally. He cares in ways that touch my cold heart. He thawed all the stalactites and stalagmites on each corners of my heart — pretty much exaggerated but true.  I prayed for us, for him, for me. I know that if we’ll end up together I need to adjust to his lifestyle. He’s the complete opposite of my dream guy. He has no abs nor muscles, triceps, biceps whatever it is that most gays drool for. He doesn’t look like Adam Levine. He doesn’t have a tattoo like Adam Levine.  He’s not a poet. He’s not a caffeine addict. He’s not the smartest either…  but I love him. He makes me happy. If you guys wonder why we can’t be together it’s because I have no idea if this feeling will last forever. I don’t know if I can deal with his demons. I don’t know if this is what I want.  I don’t think I can chill each day, drink until the sun is up, rave my way to him and live like I have nothing to worry about. I usually can’t resist him. I can spare a couple of minutes to talk to him even if he’s drunk. We’ve drunk text each other couple of times and wake up like it didn’t happen. Mostly, we argue and laugh our ass out or I confront him with all the girls and gays being linked to him. Oh well. There are days when I asked myself if he’s the one I really want to be with for the rest of my life. My mom told me that she wants me to get married before she die and that I should marry someone who is not like dad. My mom told me it’s hard to marry someone with lots of vices. She doesn’t want me to be a spinster worst, widowed before 50.

I woke up today pondering on yesterday’s happenings. I was able to resist that urge to be with him because I need to set priorities. School is doing great and I have a deadline to meet so instead of chilling, I choose to finish my accounting system but God knows I’m distracted. He’s running in my mind 24/7 and my thoughts kept on loitering that it’s so hard to gather them all. I ended up mentally exhausted. It’s a battle between my emotions and my gift of reason.  It’s crazy. Super crazy. Idk.

Bottomline : Stay single until you finally figure how it works. Don’t be in a relationship just because you’re lonely. I’m single because I fear hurt. I’m single because I don’t know if he’s my forever.

Again, oh well. 

Being Crazy.

Dude…  It’s part of growing up. I’ve realized that I’m not crazy.  Emotions are simply surging during this time of our lives and it’s actually a prelude to being 25 wherein our hormones will be raging the most. Ahmayzing!

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Anyhoo, just chill and trust God’s will. All of our issues today will surely make sense someday. Let’s not force it. Let’s just learn to live each day as chill as possible. Thy will be done.  🙂