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03/20– Day 6: Life Is a Temporary Assignment

This world is not my home yet.

Verse to Remember: “I am here on earth for just a little while.” Psalm 119:19 (TEV)

I am guilty of this though. I am breezing through life in pursuit of happiness, that maybe someday my life will finally actualized in front of me when every sorrows I endured finally makes sense but I guess it will never happen here on Earth. I should have remembered that I am living on borrowed time and I should not search for eternity on Earth because it eternity is when I am with God. I realized how wrong my mindset was after reading this chapter.        I should not be too attached because I will not be here for so long, I am just a guest task by God to fulfill his intended purpose then I will be joining him in eternity after my limited stay here.

God gave me challenges, dissatisfaction, incompleteness and unhappiness to understand that this is not the finish line yet, where we are right now is not where it will all ends. Our stay here is a prelude for something great, we are made for that.

My life on Earth is just a temporary assignment. My happy moments right now is not even half as what is in store for me in heaven. Realizing all of this made my perspective a little lot twisted and I am now more positive in dealing with every challenges I might encounter. Again, I thank God.

My fellow lost souls, we should never cease in appreciating what we have as of the moment. God entrust us with his works but we should not fall in love with it for so long as we need to go home to where we belong.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but n what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:18 (NIV)

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03/19 – Day 5: Seeing Life From God’s View

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Life is all about test and trust.

Verse to Remember: “Unless you are faithful in small matters, you won’t be faithful in large ones.” – Luke 16:10a (NLT)

I must say that all I want in life is to travel, to be happy and simply enjoy it while I have it. Day 5 of my 40-day journey to a purpose driven life made me aware about viewing life through God’s eyes. I would certainly agree that my life is a series of test. God didn’t spare me when it comes to difficult challenges, challenges that I never thought I will be able to overcome. I did – thanks a lot to him because of my strong faith and belief that he will never forsake me during tough times. All the challenges were significant in shaping me for my own betterment. I thank him again because he did not give up on me and for the wisdom he endowed that aid me in fully understanding the things that have happen in my life. It was all for the greater cause and I must say, he never gave tests that one cannot handle.

“God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test he will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out.”

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God is simply awesome, a life-saver.

My all-time favorite word aside from ‘chill’ would be ‘endure’. With God, I have endured life’s challenges and emerged victorious, strong and happy.

A piece of advice to the faint-hearted and the lost ones: “Always trust God and his amazing plans so just breathe and enjoy life. Take good care of the things around you, value the people who supports you and love the environment because all of them are part of what God have trusted you, his works. We should never break God’s trust.

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Sharing a self – reminder that moved me for years since the last time I read the Purpose Driven Life book: “Those who are trusted with something valuable must show that they are worthy of that trust.”

I don’t want to break anyone even God’s trust in me as much as possible because I know how difficult it is to be earned again once lost. I value people who shares to me their secrets because it is also a challenge for one to share a piece of themselves to others. I too am a person with trust issues and I rarely open up to people whom I don’t fully trust because that’s just simply how I am.

The challenge that we should always remember:

The more God gives you, the more responsible he expects you to be.”  — It’s just like that old cliché line of my favorite superhero… “With great power comes great responsibilities”.

Bon Nuit. I need to focus myself as tomorrow will be my comprehensive exam. TTFN.

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03/18 – Day 4: Made to Last Forever

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“This life is not all there is.”

I am scared of death honestly. I know that I should not be because my life on earth is just temporary and I should embrace the fact that someday I will be with our Creator and enjoy my life in eternity. I am afraid that I may not be able to check all the bucket lists I made someday. I know I will not die too soon because there are lots of things that I need to do first. This life we have though is just a preparation for something great. I need to constantly remind myself that my stay here will not last forever, that I should make use of my time right now to be who God intended me to be and that I should not be scared of leaving Earth because I am bound to experience a sense of belongingness and love after death because God will be there. He will be there for me no matter what.

God’s plans endure forever; his purposes last eternally.”

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03/17 – Day 3: What Drives Your Life?

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On March 20 – 21 will be my comprehensive exam and to be honest, that’s what drives me the most this week. 10 subjects in just 2 days. Oh my gee. I swear I am about to collapse as I can feel all the anxieties and panic surge. I am driven to finish my deliverables at this moment so that I can fully study except that my mind is currently jittering. Oh well.

Anyhoo, Day 3 of my Purpose Driven Life Journey focuses more on what drives us to exist. It helps us in answering the question about your driving force. What is your driving force by the way? Me, all I want is to finally check all my bucket lists and live a life full of purpose by being the person I am destined to be. Big statement? I know.

The book though listed five most common drives that we experienced:

  • Many people are driven by guilt.

I agree as I experienced this before. I did live my life haunted by the shadows of my past. I already wrote about it few years back but I am glad I was totally over it though it took me hell lot of time to forgive myself. Never let your past rule your life.

  • Many people are driven by resentment and anger.

“Resentment always hurts you more than it does the person you resent.” I don’t dwell on the negatives because it won’t do you well. Always accentuate the positives and burn the negatives. Let go of whatever happened to your past. Learn from past experiences. Have no room for regrets.

  • Many people are driven by fear.

I decided to live my life without any fear as I don’t want to hinder myself with all the possibilities just because I am afraid to take chances.

  • Many people are driven by materialism.

I am definitely guilty of this. I’ve got goals I want to achieve. Having a car is one of my ultimate plans as of the moment because I want to go on roadtrips and be in places I haven’t been. I wanted to earn more so that I will buy whatever I wanted to buy and be wherever I want to be. I am materialistic perhaps, a wanderer, a person driven by his goals. I am aware that money won’t bring me permanent happiness because I am still a believer that the best things in life aren’t actually things. I remind myself that my value is not actually based on what I have monetarily but who I am as a person. Real security is our own relationship with our Creator and not just money.

  • Many people are driven by the need for approval.

“Those who follow the crowd, get lost in it.” Do what your heart screams for and be a person who lives his life according to other people’s expectations. Seriously, you are living such a sad life if you let the expectation of others define you. You are living on someone else’s shadow. I promised myself that I will never ever let anyone control my life. I did not exist to fulfill the expectation of others. I won’t let you or anybody else define me, your opinions won’t define me.

Without a purpose, life is motion without meaning, activity without direction, and events without reason.”

 

A life without a defined purpose is the greatest tragedy of all. It is existing for nothing. If you’re still lost, keep on asking God to lead you the way to greatness. Never stop on hoping that someday your life finally makes sense and that you exist for greater good. Keep going! Keep on believing! Never cease on asking God!

“God… is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of – infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts or hopes.”

Knowing our purpose has its own benefits. It gives us meaning. It simplifies our own life as we know what we will prioritize the most .It gives us the sense of balance to live our life by focusing more on what really matters making our lives a little lot effective. Prune away those activities that don’t do you well.

You can be busy without a purpose?What’s the point?”

Our purpose helps us in motivating ourselves because it produces passion. It drives us each day because we are loving what we are doing. Lastly, if we live a life with purpose it actually prepares us for eternity. I always tell myself that I need to please God when I die. The greatest pride is to hear him say, “Very well, my child. You lived your life according to my plans. You may now enter the kingdom as I’ve waited long to be with you again.”  I need to change my belief about living to leave a legacy on earth because I know my existence will then be forgotten.

inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog, people

Just Because It’s Sunday … 08.10.14

Good morning says the sun and I’m in my room getting drowned by Spotify’s hottest tracks and my thoughts wandering into Nirvana.

I had an amazing dream that surely fueled me the energy to survive this day. My subconscious is telling me that I’m happy whenever we’re together doing nothing but laughing at each other and that we are always looking for good food. We look for food even in dreams.

Anyways, it’s not the meat of the matter here. You see I haven’t wrote about my feelings since last week perhaps. I am thankful for the positive changes in my life because I know I’ve wanted this. I admit I’m scared, idk if I can pull this out well. I’ve said that it was indeed a challenge accepted but I’m afraid if I will emerged victorious in the end. Of course, I will (ahuh ). I don’t want to pressure myself at all. I just want to enjoy my new role and I want to make the best of graduate school. I want to succeed in both worlds that I am in and even bargained  God for a love life. My choices do not totally define me but I like my choices. I am determined enough to compel my life to its betterment. Only few knows my story and despite my positive demeanor lies some untold stories, some skeletons I hide just because… I trust only few people and only few knows my drama because truth be told, I prefer my life to be private. I hate explaining my life, this is my life – who cares right? It’s meant for people who would understand but never for those who judge.

I am thankful though for people who’ve accepted me for who I am. I recently told someone special about my life, my so called dysfunctional life only to realized that he too is facing a somewhat like battle. He accepted my story and even offered to help. I don’t know if I deserved such a beautiful soul but I know he was God given. I’ve thank God for him because unconsciously he helped me in closing some chapters of my life and live it as chill as possible. He’s my muse, the boy behind my posts… the boy I won’t get tired of loving and caring, the boy I want to spend the rest of my life with if God permits it. I’ve let go and let God decides what’s best. I don’t want to push it if it’s not meant to be. In God’s perfect time, I’ll be with my the one.

I still fear the word commitment though but slowly I am embracing its beauty and why it’s necessary.

Anyways, I’m blabbering again. The gist here is to just let things happen and never forced it. Trust his will no matter how tragic is happening in your life. I came from a point wherein being strong is the only choice I have and here I am right now, stained but better.

I remembered what have happened last summer. I feel shitty… at wits end kind of shit. I did my best in graduate school only to realized I will never  graduate with honors anymore because of an academic issue I never intended to. I’ve learned things the hardest way and I don’t understand still why I deserved its consequences. I will not rehashed what have happened because of course… ill thoughts are poison that can kill my positive cells. I don’t hold grudges because its toxic so I rather forgive but never forget.

What’s the point of all of this, you might wonder. Yesterday, I was on my way to our classroom when I saw last year’s dean’s list. I checked my name but I was not able to find it. I shrugged it off because of course I know that my chance for the coveted honors no longer exist. I was literally shocked though when I found my name under the president’s list.

Lamb, Sharon Carol S.

I felt something within me. Elephants running amuck in my tummy and a sudden hangover like feeling. Oh shit.

Oh shit, again.

I’m not part of the Dean’s list but the President’s list — the highest amongst all and only 5 of us made it.

I want to rejoice but tidal waves of memories and my bitterness of what have happened last summer is splashing my conscious mind. I shifted from being giddy to early stages of depression. People congratulating me seems to be just bees buzzing, I couldn’t hear them because my thoughts were too loud as it screams away from the haunt of memories.

I thought I’ve moved on but nope, I’m in deep shit still. I guess I still can never get away from that feeling. Oh well.

Being accused as a cheater won’t define me. I know my worth. I know myself. I guess I’ll see the beauty of where I am someday when everything is well and it will all then make sense.

Here I am, drowned again by my thoughts and my emotions. I have lots of things to whine about but I have thousands of things to thank God for. Let me still fill the world with good vibes even if I have issues to face. It’s part of growing up, you know.  🙂

Until my next crazy post…

inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog

It’s Another Monday Ramble

The weather makes me want to write as random thoughts crowding my mind so better yet it’s about time for me to look for a good muse ( I need that random kick to get started just so you know). I opened my bedside drawer and scanned the product of my midnight ramblings a decade ago… I found out several journals and notebooks all filled with my stories, my frustrations, my joy and er yeah my life, of course.

I’m a random kid who loves to write and blog. I think I have this crazy handwriting fetish because I like seeing my handwriting on various medium and I like how absurd my thoughts can be. I like how my mind works and hate it when it over thinks. I’m like hey hey wait a minute you’re getting way out the axis, chill brain… ( I’m sorry for another monologue episode ).

Okay, here I go with my thoughts and thirst to write. I feel a little lot tired and desperate. Tired because things are happening all at once and I’m pressuring my mind to work like shit because it’s not working lately or should I say refused to work because she knows I need to work on my accounting case studies. I hate it. I guess I might need a separate blog post for my rants about it though. Anyways, I’m tired because of accounting and desperate because of it too. I actually don’t know if I still love graduate school or not. Whatever.

Moving on to the good vibes…

It’s a Monday and I’ve been unproductive. I’m not in the mood to work on my graduate school papers. I don’t worry much about work because I’ve already started my deck for our meeting later. Last week, I’m actually losing myself because of jealousy issues. I’ve been too indulge to those CSI-like patterns that I’m actually drifting and made me lose my damn focus on work and school related issues. I resorted to online articles about how to overcome it. I fixed my thoughts and myself. I don’t have the right to feel such nor the right to react because we are not even committed to each other. I acknowledged the feeling and tried to let it go.

So that was a brief summary of my last week’s life story. Now, I’m actually enjoying my sober thoughts.  I’m still kinda lost of what really to do with my life so I just simply make the best of today. Quarter life crisis about to take its toll and I’m getting ready for possible emotional surge that may come my way. I’ve got lots of issues to face and just the thought of it horrifies me so I sit and daydream for a while trying to escape reality. Why worry about tomorrow if I still have today ? Yep, why worry at all?

But I’m worrying.

Now, I’m actually panicking. I’m afraid that my fears and stressors will slowly consume me. I’m afraid that I’ll never get to live as chill as possible. I don’t know. I want to live passionately, doing the things that make me smile, being with someone who’s worthwhile. I want to grasp the meaning of this life I’m currently living. Going to school actually is fun and enlightening because I’m investing on myself but I cannot deny the fact that each day in the academe makes me recall what have happened last summer. Some basic facts actually are slowly killing me and I can never moved on. It hurts like hell and I’m nursing a bruised ego. I want to forget all these shits and possibly drown my worries over a bottle of Cuervo. Yes, I need alcohol or caffeine to make me giddy. I am fully aware that alcohol never  solves a problem neither does milk. So here I am on a not really that gloomy Monday afternoon sorting my thoughts and rehashing my yesteryears.

I thought I’m a grown up already but then I’m not. There are still aspects in my life that I need to work on. There are fears that scare the hell out of me. There’s this confusion about love. There are these battles of what I really want versus what I need to do. Yes, growing up is never easy and being me is even harder.  I’m actually discerning about  my life… am I on the right track?  Too many questions clouded up my mind and I’m again stuck into the fleeting minutes of my time doing absolutely nothing except sorting my ideas and thoughts.

I’ll never be coherent. Whatever.

So I still can’t find my muse nor an interesting topic to blog about. Again, I ended up pouring my innermost feelings about certain aspects of my life and my world. What I wrote is actually the opposite of my cheery demeanor. I maybe an eternal optimist but I can’t hide the fact that I too is a human with a side that I don’t want others to know but I’m slowly revealing it through my blogs and my posts. This is the real me, no pretensions… just a blogger who writes her thoughts online not to impress but to  express.

inspirational, journal, life, writing

04.06.2014

Dear God,

It’s been 4 months since the last time I write in my journal. I actually miss writing to you, sharing my thoughts about how I feel and telling you about everything.

I woke up at 3am with the urge to write just to say thank you. I always say thank you for all the good and bad things that happened to me. Who and where I am right now is a product of a beautiful past. At first, I don’t understand why it should happen to me. I’ve been always asking to the point of blaming you for all the pain I’ve felt. I guess it’s about time to close that chapter I left open for almost a decade.

I’m definitely sure that in order for me to totally move forward is to finally know the truth.  It’s one brave act to go back to the past and finally slam and lock the door.

Today, I’m pretty much sure of my feelings. I love someone for the past year and whether we’ll end up together or not, I’m happy he became a part of my life. He helped me unconsciously in fixing my broken parts. He made me happy when I’m about to give up. He has issues, some are vices that scare me and are hindering my decision to finally give it a shot.

You know how much I pray God. You know how much I write about my prayers before. I know you know how much I want him to conquer his demons.  I want him to change but I don’t want to force it either. I accepted him for who he is and I know he knows the consequences of what he’s doing today. I don’t want to be like a mother who’ll constantly remind him of what’s right and what’s wrong. I want to be his partner, someone who’ll be with him no matter what. Together, we’ll fight those demons. If he only knew how happy I am tonight knowing that at 3 am he’s not wasted. I pray he’ll finally get over this kind of lifestyle.

God, thanks for everything. Thank you for your love and guidance as I was able to survive life’s challenges for 24 years. I never valued money until I got nothing. I never had the chance to get to know my dad for long. My life is a little bit dysfunctional. I have lots and lots of questions but I dread the answers. Whatever.

Anyhoo, thanks again. I apologize for those days when I questioned your will. Your plans are way better than mine. All I need is to be positive. Life’s not actually perfect but I’m definitely happy today because my God didn’t give up on me.  When I’m in pain and things don’t go my way, I always tell myself that someday it’ll all make sense.

Love,

Carol ❤

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12/02: Yearning the Past

I guess I spent most of my time today either sleeping or reminiscing. Today will be another ordinary yesterday when tomorrow comes but I won’t let this moment pass.

I won’t let this day drift away. If only I record what’s on my mind right now, I will. It’s nice to go back during the times when you don’t worry anything. Those times when we’re still on diapers and does not even understand what responsibility and adulthood means. You don’t worry so much of getting old as well as your financial needs because someone is taking care of you. You have your parents caring for your needs and wants and all you need to do is cry when you’re hungry and smile — the one that melts people’s heart.

I’m currently 24 and I’m simply reminiscing how it is to be a child again. If only I can gather all those baby memories again, I’ll surely do.

image

My life so far has been interesting. I like how the way things in the past made sense today. Life is beautiful if we train our minds to see the positives in every difficult situation.

29 more days before the year ends , let’s all be awesome!

Love,

Chillerspot ❤

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Happy 2013!

2012 is over, whether it’s a good year or not I guess it’s about time for us to move forward.  At this very moment, the scene outside of our home makes me smile. A cloudless sky plus a tranquil atmosphere at home makes me glad that I am in my safe haven. Thank you, Lord for a simple Sunday. I hope to have more  perfect Sundays at home.

 

This 2013, instead of dwelling on my crazy past, I rather live my life as happy as possible. Whatever will be, will always be no matter how you wanted to control the things in your life.

 

It’s been a tough life and I am happy that I emerged victorious after all the ordeals. I may need a heart of stone in order for me not to get too attached because emotions can sometimes make all decisions hard. This year, I am definitely tired being a fish swimming in the main stream… Hell, even a dead fish can do that so it’s time for me to take charge and be someone I want to be. I may need to swim against the tide and make sure to stand in every decisions that I need to make.

 

Big Question: What do I really want to be?

 

The list goes on and on and I don’t even know where to start… bottom line, I just want  to be a better version of myself.

 

I don’t want to worry too much about my life, instead I’ll just wait for my moment and work hard for today. I trust God because I know he’s just preparing me for a life well lived — a purpose driven life, a life according to his plan.

 

It’s about time…

 

… to start planning my short and long term goals.

… to be more positive and accept that shit do happens.

… to be a full pledged blogger who blogs not to rant but to inspire others.

… to finally soul search if this is what I really want to happen in my life, if this is indeed the job that I really want.

… to love and beloved.

… to travel and explore the Philippines.

… to save up for my future.

… to be humbled with all the blessings God has showered upon me and make sure to live an inspiring life.

… to review my bucket list.

… to live my dreams.

 

Let’s all begin the year with an optimistic outlook and a promise to end it with a smile because you knew that after all the things that have happened you became a better person.

 

Happy 2013 to y’all. 

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07/29 – Day 249: Mom and Me

Long talks about love and life make me appreciate the relationship I have with my mom. We talked about how I was being a kid and that she’s proud of me today. I always tell her that I will not do anything to disappoint her and that I will do anything for her as what I have promised to my dad when he died. I don’t blame my mom for every dream and opportunity that I need to let go. It has been my choice, I choose to stay for her, for the family I have even if I need to let go of my biggest dreams. I want to spend more time with her because I don’t know what will happen in the near future. My mom is no longer young and strong enough to be here for me for another 2 decades. All I want is to be the best version of myself for her, she’s all that I got. We always talk… I always update her of what’s going on with my life. She knows that I know what I am doing, she let me follow my dreams and decide on what I really want to do in my life. I am glad that my mom taught me how to be strong, independent and optimistic. Thank God, you gave me awesome parents! I love my mom! I love my dad! I love me! haha 🙂