personal

Mindful Sunday.

I woke up feeling less energize than before. I slept for almost 12 hours and it still feels like I haven’t slept at all. I refused to believe that I am suffering from depression or any mental illness anymore. Life and its corresponding mishaps became my truth, I became resilient over time with a realization that despair is part of my existence. Accepting the truth no matter how distasteful it can be is necessary for growth and maturity. I go with the flow and co-exist with my myriad feels each day. I think I am normal as I still see light in times of darkness.For the past years I’ve been absorbing experiences that have let me see how the world who I used to believe is a beautiful place turns out to be a nightmare.The past months engulfed me in a realm where I want to stop the pain I feel in my soul. I was angered by the series of misfortunate events and that of all the billions of people in the world, God picked on me. He seems to be fond of my despair. Smirking as I endure all the pain. Smiling as I cursed at him. He might think that it’s part of his grandiose plan and that I should just be a sport to all of his games. I prayed for one love that will lasts forever only to end up with another round of uncertainty. I just wished you never answered prayers and make me feel like it was before — it’s just the same feels I have when I realised that I am not worth the words. It’s extreme this time because from words here comes the future. You make me believe once again that this will work out but having a jaded future where I am not even part of it won’t work God. How broken do I need to be for you to save me. Well, I honestly do not get why I experienced too much trials this year and that he didn’t even give me the chance to breathe. God, if you’re a coach then you suck. You are slowly getting into my nerves with all the game plans laid on me, plotted for my own doom rather than my win. I screamed. I yelled. I cried. I fell into the pit of despair. I wanted to die… again. Probably you’re watching me containing your laughter because I don’t get your game.I know that no matter how I wanted to die, my gut just don’t have the full courage to do it. I looked at myself and how life has stained my soul. I looked at myself full of unseen bruises with a little hope that shines in her eyes. I looked at myself a little more and realized that no matter how shitty my life is, I still manage to be kind.There’s still hope inside of me.*****************************************Today, our house even if there’s music on feels silent. It’s not the usual. It all has a certain nostalgic vibe that brought me back years ago. I walked towards the kitchen not knowing what to feel and watched the view outside. It feels like a lonely December afternoon, gloomy and cold. The wind rustles the leaves and the sun shines a little after the dark cloud passed by. I never felt this feeling after a long while without bursting into tears. This is my new reality. It has been 5 months since my mom’s death and slowly the pain seems to be bearable. I can write about how I feel without the fear of being paralysed by a worst episode of anxiety attack. After 29 years, mild anxiety attacks haunt me. The trauma for the past months brought me into this state. It is intensified by my thoughts and memories. Circumstances do trigger it and I find myself bursting into tears while driving, hyperventilating as I hold my shoulders trying to calm myself before I die in an accident. No one gets to see those episodes. No one needs to see how I struggle for air. I try to calm my mind by thinking of things that I still want to happen in my life. I think of the future. I think of my own strength and that I am not mentally ill. I am traumatized by loss. I’ll be fine.I rarely pull over to calm myself as I eventually breathe normally after indulging into a state of daydream and deep breathing. My anxiety attacks and how my heart wanted to bursts are just fleeting events. I’ll be Okay, I constantly remind myself.There are days when I envy people who seem to got it all figured out. Social media showcases some people I know who are living their lives while I am in my dark room wishing I too someday can travel again and see what the world has to offer. I have been lamenting into the debts I need to pay and the loneliness I need to bear this coming holiday season. I breathe heavily now. Tears slowly running down my face. I acknowledge the sadness, the reality I used to refuse is now part of my system.I embraced how darkness became my bestfriend. It is not easy to be in my situation. Every single day I drag myself to move when it feels so lethargic to actually move. I try to live a normal life. My work has been my refuge as it totally distracts me from the Shit life I’m in. Totally different kind of Shit.My mind is full of hopes and fears that I cannot express. My mouth has been shut because not all will actually understand. My heart is always full and that I wish one day all my energy will be reciprocated by the world I used to find beautiful.I hope that love may come my way again unexpectedly or approach it again with more maturity. I long to find a home in someone’s heart, willing to take care of my brokenness for the rest of his life. Someone who can be sure of what he wants. I take in the feeling of devastation slowly in my system and I’m not quite sure until when can I cling into the foundation of my own self-worth and endure a love that is uncertain. Be here now mindset will not work in 2 – 5 years when I’m already about to settle. These YOLO years will end soon and if nothing happens during those times then I guess my will to live too will disappear along my hope for a better tomorrow. I’ll try to hang on and ride the tides for now.I wrote to share what I feel. It’s therapeutic. I want to read this again after a year or two to compare if the feels I feel today is still the same. I hope to grow after all of these and yes, I can’t wait for that day when God finally make me see how this will all make sense someday.My past made sense and I hope today will too.

personal

Be Here Now.

I don’t have the guts to write what have happened. I guess it’s hard to write when you are still grieving and everything feels so fresh. Every day can be suffocating and I honestly don’t know how I can survive because the thoughts drown me and the pain of losing someone you truly love is so excruciating to bear.

This is my NOW and I feel devastated.

It is not an easy feat nor a choice I made. It was life telling me it’s time and you just have to deal with it. How do I go from here? I have no answers.

How are you right now, Ma?

I’m still trying to absorb all the dreaded thoughts overflowing in my mind. What I know is that I’m extremely missing you and not a day goes by that I am not thinking about you. I try to smile despite the pain I feel. It’s devastating to dwell on this reality. I’ll no longer get to hold your hand and you know how much I love you.

I want to smell your clothes to recall your scent. I want to hug your beanies so tight before I go to bed. I beg to God every single day to see you again. Your smile reminds me that I did a good job.

https://66.media.tumblr.com/36d21fe02365ad0b1ed2f3da080a8b08/tumblr_osll89EFw11wsjuixo1_1280.jpg

I can’t sleep at this hour because I remember how it’s used to be. It feels so lonely right now. I lost my sense of purpose after losing you. You are my reason why I kept going because I know you needed me and I needed you. What’s next for me?

I honestly feel that it’s over. I’m like waiting for something bad to happen. I’m waiting for that moment when I only have a few days to live. I guess I am ready to go anytime. I just want to be with you… to hug you tight and tell you how my day was. I’ll be annoyed by your noise and just be in my room trying to sleep. I miss the times when we’re all together. I miss my old life, those old habits that make me happy even if I’m broke. The hope in my eyes, the desire to be successful because I want to give my parents a better life. Today, what’s the point?

She was my life.

Mama was the sole reason why I wanted to achieve and sacrificed my passion to be with her. I wanted her to be proud of me. I stopped caring about success. I just do what needs to be done, put heart to what I do but the sense of fulfillment was no longer there. It’s like existing without any meaning.

I lost my pack and I’m now a lone wolf.

Mama, I love you so much and no words can actually define how sad I am inside. I never felt so lonely and empty. I have no answer on what to look forward in the future. I just can’t start over with the kind of drive I used to have.

Can anybody tell me how to survive losing both of your parents while you’re about to turn 30 with no financial freedom and a family that you can call your own? Can anybody tell me how to fine when you’ve lost all the hope the world has to offer? Can anybody tell me how to stop the excruciating pain I feel each day knowing that I’ll never see my mom again?

Be here now.

To focus on the present, accept the past and let the future unfold. I’m trying my best to exist and finish each day without actually hoping that tomorrow will be better. I don’t care.

Be here now. I remind myself.

Can someone save me or am I the only one who can save myself?

Be here now.

personal

Day 9: Defeat and What You Did Next

I found my self rehashing some events wherein I felt so defeated. Numerous fails and almosts in all aspects of my life and I don’t know why I’m still here. I call it set backs, a short detour prior to my best destination. There are times when I persevered so much and ended up failing… Maybe I just didn’t try hard enough.

The most unforgettable defeat moment I’ve experienced is losing the chance to graduate with honors in graduate school. I know I’m a little bit of a slacker compared to who I was in college but I know I did my part. I almost failed my managerial accounting class because of a cheating case that screwed a lot of folks — including me. It was terrible knowing that I am not that kind of person. It got resolved and we’re able to graduate. What saddens me though is when you try so hard to make things right and succeed, a setback is always in place. Not that I’m new to it, in fact I’ve been so used to this right now that I became numb when things don’t go my way.

I guess time plays a part here. At first you’ll feel myriad of emotions and from Okay to not Okay feels you’ll just find yourself happy again despite on what have happened. I see every defeat as a chance for me to do better or simply move forward because what else can I do. We can’t hold grudges forever as it ruins you instead of helping you. It’s not easy to accept defeat all the time but accept it eventually in time and just go through life and experience new adventures or another set of challenges bound to ruin your positivity in life.

Just. Keep. GOING.

It’s not the first time I’ve experienced failure. I’ve got a lot I tell you and even now it never stopped. I always encounter a lot of work frustrations that sometimes I’m about to give up. I even question my own leadership and intellect on why others can move their teams up while I’m plainly having a mediocre attainment. Maybe I’ve been mediocre whole life or maybe I’m just to proud of myself that I expect too much on everyone and too much for myself. It’s a journey still to accept defeat, to plan what’s next and to find your niche. Sometimes it is not working because it might not meant to work in the first place. We are all sucker for success but what if we are not destined to be successful at your corporate job but is bound to be in our passion. Who knows? We should not stop ourself from taking risks just because it didn’t go our way in the first place. We should keep going until we get used to the feeling of failing and still celebrate milestones achieved.

Don’t let your self doubt hinder your way to a better and productive future. All we need is to be self aware and make use of our strengths in our own advantage. It’s always a good battle regardless of the results if you did all you can to win. Life is not about winning, it’s about learning and experiencing — a realization I had after 28 years. I’ve been better in dealing with this now compared to years ago when I threw fits and hated God for not giving me what I want and what I think I deserved.

personal

Empty Soul.Β 

Today, I feel lethargic.

It’s the usual feeling I have almost every day so I know I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it but despite being sluggish, I am also in the mood to write. 

I want to write what I feel and hopefully I’ll get over it. As I looked at the second hand in my watch and as it bids one second after another, I know I’m losing time. Some people seems to live while I keep on dying every day. I am becoming tired of living and my hope is slowly fading. There’s this boy who reminds me of another pain bound to happen and the past is just another good thing I survived kind of thing. I should be appreciative the least of it instead I formed clouds of hate. 

Always a good time with someone and it can be addicting. It’s rare to find someone who totally get you, all your weirdness and craziness yet accepted you. It’s rare to find someone whom you can share minutes of silence without feeling that awkwardness. It’s like finding your soul mate but you’re just not meant to be together. I have this alpha personality where I think I’m way better than his girl but I know he’ll never choose me. If he wanted to, then he should’ve choosen me before. I get that. I believed in that fact.

Aside from the fact that nobody wanted to be with me, I have been trying my best to find my own happiness. Every day I can find something to smile about but the emptiness haunts me. Sharing my time, being with him, with friends and working gave me happiness, a temporary happiness that made me survived each day. Deep inside I long for that day when today makes sense and I hope I’ll make it. I hope that the next wave of depression would be easy but everytime it hits me, I am getting weaker and weaker. My hope slowly dying together with my soul. I no longer see the value of existing when nobody wants me to call their own. 

I lift my burdens to God and I know he sees my pain. I hate being just an option when I deserve to be the choice. I hate living this kind of life when all these years I invested in good karma. I hate being stuck in the dark and the light he gives me each day would just bring me pain. If I let myself fall into the abyss I know I’ll be dead. If he loves me, he will choose me. I know he is just there to act like a saviour because who wouldn’t feel better to save a broken soul? To love and not be love is life’s greatest tragedy and I don’t know how to start over if I’ll let myself fall into the trap. My resistance in niceness and consistency have leveled up already. I know I can still walk away from him and leave even if I’ll be shattered. I’ll be hurt, be in pain perhaps but the pain won’t destroy me… not yet. 

I envy the girl who has his heart. I don’t know my role in his life and I don’t want to know at all. I already programmed my mind that I’m just a friend he enjoyed talking to and I should stop myself from falling. For once I need to be better. I cannot be gullible and end up being hurt. I don’t deserve to be just a third party. I deserve to be the girl who owns someone’s heart. Take me as I am with all my good and bad side. Don’t look at me like I’m better than you or that you’re better than me. Love should not be complicated.

 

I wish to find someone exactly like you who’ll choose me for the rest of my life. I hope God grants my wishes soon because I have no idea how long I can actually hold on. Life’s loses its meaning as time ticks away each day. 

Inspire me or just kill me. 

personal

Random Thoughts Brewing

Montage. 

My mind right now is a crazy montage. All of my yesteryears keep flashing and my failures highlighted. I came into a different avenue of thoughts that made me feel so lost about what I really wanted to do with my life. I know I ain’t getting younger each day and if this is just another pre-birthday blues, I totally fear the upcoming days. 

Life’s a series of mishaps and luck we didn’t imagine. It’s how you react to certain circumstances that define your being. Sometimes because of pride, I tend to be stubborn. I don’t listen much and decide on my own. I usually trust my own judgement and gut feel. I also consider myself an asshole sometimes to people I don’t like. I am such a difficult person to deal with. 

There are days when I question my decisions if it’s indeed for the greater good. When it back fires, I need to be accountable to it. I don’t apologize if it’s not my fault but I normally take the hit. I don’t know how I feel today except that my heart is broken and my soul is tormented. Always been. Always will. 

I wonder how long will I hold on to life if life is no longer taking chances to make me appreciate each day. Not everything and everyone I value I can even call my own. I am living in a borrowed moment, a borrowed life which can be taken anytime. My regret is not to fully live and exhaust my potentials. It’s all about choices they say and I am in chaos today afraid of making a wrong move.

They say failures aren’t failures but lessons learned that will make sense someday. Life teaches us the hard way most of the time and it’s up to you on how to creatively cope. My heart has been my weakness and will always be. It has been a struggle for me to be heartless despite numerous attempts which put myself in a very vulnerable state. I built walls yet I let people in to  destroy the bricks. I don’t know why I am such a sucker for time and attention. I don’t know what to do with my self in times of chaos instead to roll into the corner, weep until the pain subsides. 

I have been depressed and I hate dragging people into my miseries and hearing their empathy statements make me wanna puke. It’s an illness I want to escape, I fake my own happiness and hide behind smiles and wit. I wanted to be strong despite this crippling feeling of emptiness. I feel inadequate. I feel that nothing makes sense and that nobody will actually love someone like me. I easily get attached to people who takes time in knowing me but it’s also a cycle, no one is strong enough to take me in one’s world. I am alone in my journey and nothing is sadder knowing you are not enough or more than enough to be loved. 

It sounds stupid most of the time to some knowing my problem is about love and life. They say all those compliments that kills me slowly. They say to wait for time may not be my best friend. They all say things that make me feel bad because if it’s true then it should have happen long ago just like how others find love and happiness. They found meaning in such a dreaded life while I survive each day hoping it’ll be my last if all these feels persist. 

I pray so hard that this will be over. Wave after wave of sadness is actually  haunting me and the pain I feel keeps on refreshing each time a moment happens. I feel bad on feeling this way because I should be happy and blessed but I’m not. I don’t feel such bliss. I just feel so tired to deal with life all the time. I hope I get to overcome this feeling.

Good night. 

personal

People Like Us.

My heart is a bit heavy while trying to conceptualize this blog post. I guess loneliness really kills. 

I watched a Ted Talk episode about what makes a good life and it scares me how my future would look like. I am afraid of growing up alone.

What Makes A Good Life? Ted Talk Video Link

There are days when I try to forget the loneliness I feel because I have a lot of stuff to do and being sad is not something I need to dwell on. It can be because of hormones or maybe because I am unproductive today. I still kept my motivating blog post in the draft section because I got no energy to finish it. Today seems to be another day to sulk in misery. 

I keep on looking at the ceiling trying to understand what is actually wrong with me. Sometimes I wish I got siblings so that I won’t be pressured to have a family of my own. Sometimes I wish I am a different person. Sometimes I ask God if this is the kind of life I am destined to live. Sometimes pushing away people make me filter out who really are worth keeping. One thing is constant in my life, emptiness.

All the awards, the people I met and the lessons I learned can sometimes be so refreshing and motivating. I have been the alpha. I have been independent, strong and patient. I was able to stand up everytime I reach the pit. I fought my demons. I am alive but everyday the emptiness I feel bothers me. A good life is not about having lots of money. It is not even success and fame. It is about the quality of relationships we have — our friends, family and the love of our lives. I wonder how it feels, I wonder how love can change the way we all feel. I wonder how much love I can give and just the thought of it made me burst in tears. 

I loved too much before. I loved so heavily that it broke me into pieces. I love stupidly. I loved unworthy people. I love people who cannot love me back. I love broken boys. I love those who love others. I still continue to love and not expect anything in return. I believe that loving people makes us happy. I believe giving a piece of me to others and inspire them to be better would fill up those empty spaces. It did, btw. 

Recently, I realized that I should not stop loving. I should continue to hold my heart and share it to people. I should offer it and if they would not take it I should not feel sad. Rejection should not be a terrible feeling. If they would not accept my heart then they lose that opportunity to be love by someone capable of loving beyond what one can expect. I kept on holding and offering but life seems to test my perseverance. 

I do not understand why people like us remain to be single. I talked to a lot of amazing single girls this past few weeks most are my friends whom I know are really the marrying type. I am pretty much interested to study about singlehood and its causes. I have no idea why these people who deserves to be happy and raise family struggle to find a man. I mean I know I do not deserve to be single for the rest of my lives so as my friends. I hate how depression suddenly eat their happiness because they feel that they would not find a man who would take care of them. I cannot find the right words to make them feel better so we laugh it off. I mean what do they get from someone like me who wants to die before 50 if I do not have a family of my own. I too am a fucked up.

I have no idea why I am feeling shitty most of the time whenever I remember that I am approaching my 30s alone. I hope someday I will look back today as part of the process. I should feel all the pain today to be better. I wish people like me will find their happiness soon.

Uncategorized

Just Because…

Finally, I decided to write before I totally explode.

I feel a little sad, kinda depressed or maybe just a bit lonely… I can also blame the rainy weather for the past two days that actually heightens my emo side. I have no idea where all of these are coming from but nevertheless, I can feel my heart wallowing into the most painful emotions I can ever imagine. First, I am totally frustrated. Honestly, after graduation I hear a lot of comments from friends even teachers and mentors why I did not graduate with honors when I actually deserved it. Usually I smile and tell them that it’s just how it is. I am stupid in accounting and I did not make it — plain and simple. I get so tired rehashing all the things in my academic life so I rather blame myself from being incompetent when in reality I know I am not. I brushed it off because I don’t think it would be healthy for me to continuously talk about what have happened. I already said my piece before and I don’t want to be bitter anymore. I shed tears no one could ever imagined, I don’t talk about it, I just let it die like other issues life has to offer but I guess you cannot just remove the stain so easily. If I will just be real, I guess I have been whining and ranting but I am simply controlling myself. I feel so bad when I know how I too exerted effort to make ends meet in my graduate school life. I have achieved a lot only to fail in the end but I accepted that truth, even the best fall down sometimes.

Also, this being single is getting off my nerves lately. Is it just me or my raging hormones trying to control me again or probably another shitty jealousy with someone? I don’t care but I just want to say my piece. I am frustrated with my situation. It’s been months or should I say years of fighting, of constantly trying to escape from this feelings… of letting go and of hurting. How stupid can I actually get? I am aware that I am actually stupid and that what I am doing is stupid and that texting him is actually stupid and waiting for him to say those words again is actually stupid. No matter how I wallow and rant on why am I not even worth the words I know I will end up with nothing. It’s like my insecurities are boosted when I know I can’t be like her girl friends who can actually be her wife because they do the same shits and I am boring with all the degrees I have and me trying to be just nice. I am not a prude but I left something for myself, a little dignity — but I don’t think it’s cool. Anyways, this is my complicated shitty love life I am trying to escape from for years. It’s like I’m the best example of friendzoned at its finest. I found myself attracted to another guy yet he’s married and the idea of really pursuing this crush thing sickens me to death. It’s pathetic, I am more than that even know I find his mind a little interesting and the way he looks at me makes me actually wonder what’s running in his mind. I enjoy his company and I know he feels the same way with me yet we all know our limits. It was so easy to let go because I know there’ll be no chance for us so I go back again to the one I loved and again feel the hurt of being not enough. This is so not me. The feelings changed me into someone who looks out for another human being and putting him as one of my priorities. It scares me but just like drugs, I am drawn to him even if I know it’s bad. I know that eventually he’ll just hurt me. I know that in the end he’ll just tell me we’re just friends and then what’s next? I’ll have my own pity party and be wasted. No degree of whatsoever can actually find me love!!! I always ask myself… am I not enough? I am not a lawyer, a doctor, a super model, a pretty lady with a 36-24-36 vital statistics and definitely not like Georgina Wilson or any celebrity she’s crushing on. I am just myself — and I guess it will never be enough.

Life is a little shitty nowadays and I actually want to cry. I don’t know when will my problems end or as if it will ever end. Family issues to deal with. Career that is now a little bit stable but some process really gets into my nerves as well and I just want to scream all the way telling people to stop trying so hard to be great leaders when in fact, they are creating a chaotic environment. Holy guacamole! I hope you’ll realized Β that some of you guys seriously need some refresher on right way to lead.

That’s my May weather thoughts and I know that I will regret blogging this again when my hormones become stable but nevertheless I will not delete this just because I am a coward. Read it people. Read it friends. This is me, I am a universe full of unsaid emotions and thoughts. Welcome to my world… my pains, my frustrations and my reality.

This is how my story goes on video…

P.S.: Don’t pity me. I will survive this mess so just pray for me instead. πŸ™‚

hobby, journal, life

10/10 – Day 322: Courage

Everyday is a test of courage.

Life is hard and not always fair. It’s just the way things are whether we like it or not. We usually whine, snivel around in every decision that we need to make and blame God for every impossible challenges that we need to go through. We need to have the courage to face each hard blows that life has to offer and make the most out of it.

George Bernard Shaw once wrote that we should be a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.We should always expect that pain is inevitable part of life. When it happens all you need to have is a brave soul, a heart that triumphantly beats and a positive mind. We are bigger than our problems, we just need to have the right mindset.It really takes courage to live our lives.

I understand the Courage to Be as the courage to say “yes” to life in spite of all the
negative elements in human existence — in spite of man’s finitude, which means his coming from nothing and going to nothing to die… It takes courage to see in the reality around us and in us something ultimately positive and meaningful and live with it, even love it. Loving life is perhaps the highest form of the courage to be
.” — Paul Tillich

I sometimes ask myself, when will I be ready to step out of my comfort zone? When will I have the courage to take the risk of living like there’s nno tomorrow? I don’t know the answer but what I know is I need to be brave enough to face the future and the consequences of the decisions that I need to make.