journal, life

Enigma.

I’ve been unproductive lately.I choose to be unproductive by the way.  I think I needed some 4-day break for me to detach and sort my emotions out so that I can decide if I will be moving to a different place, probably try a new career or bum out and wait for some sort of a fairy Godmother who will lift all the curses my life have for the past few months. Nah, I’m crazy.

Seriously, I’ve been lounging at home while the rain pours down heavily on our rooftop. I can hear it while I am typing all the letters in this electronic blank space. My head is clouded with thoughts and until now ‘Day 3’ of my leave, I am still undecided on what will my next step in life would be. Maybe I will be committing grammar blunders here again because I am typing so fast as of the moment. I remembered my thoughts before I go to sleep last night. I got some issues to sort out like my pride and attitude. I have been difficult for the past few weeks. Difficult in the sense that I really make people that I don’t want to talk to feel that I don’t want to talk to them at all. My supervisor is actually one of them and yeah, I know I a bit of a challenge. I had coffee with my close friends during break time and I heard what I just said. Sometimes I am going way overboard with my mouth since it is not actually cooperating with my angelic side but I guess honesty is just too liberating. Apart from being an asshole this past few weeks, I am still delivering what is expected from me and my team.

I have been mysterious in some sort of kinda way. Maybe people think I am nice or whatever. Well, I am not. I know I am not nice. I am nice to people that are nice to me. I talk to people that I want to talk to. I respect people. I don’t judge easily. I like those that can compliment my brain but I know that I am not the nicest of all people. I am just being me. If some people ignore me, I ignore them too. Life is easy if you do what others do unto you. I am full of disgust to egocentric people and those that are just plainly trying too hard to be on top. I control my anger because I am nasty when I am in rage, good if I will just walk away and not be too hysterical of the situation.

I have been thinking deeply for the past few days if where I am is still healthy. I have dramas at home, dramas in my own life, dramas with friends and all kinds of dramas to deal with. I wanted an escape from my own comfort zone. I wanted a change of everything but it seems that there are things holding me back. Starting new can be exciting and terrifying but I realized escaping my reality will do more harm than good. I remembered crying myself to sleep last night, blame it to Spotify’s #Hugot playlist that’s full of bullshit songs I choose to listen to. I hate memories, it kills me. Just when I thought I am fine, a sudden gush of emotions filled with beautiful memories came to me. Wow, just wow.

I know I miss him so much. I realized that he’s the one I can share everything without hesitation. He can make me laugh when I am  really really mad and he can ease any tension that I feel. Now that he’s  gone,  life still goes on but with a little difficulty. It’s hard not to have that go to buddy when you are stress. I know I wanted this, I prayed for this moment that he’ll just stay away if he’ll just hurt me in the end but I guessed he still hurt me in ways I can never imagine. I still have questions in my mind, questions I wanted to ask, things to clarify and all those things I wanted to know  but I just can’t force it. I wanted to swallow my pride and reach out again but I don’t think it is right. I tried it once but he does not want me to know even if there’s really an underlying issue, I know I can sense it. People like him are just too hard to decipher when they start to zone out. I know him too well but at this point, I don’t actually understand him. I know we can just talk things out but this one’s a little bit different. I think he judged me already based on the text message which is just so unfair if that’s the case. We do crazy things when we’re intoxicated and I’ve been really crazy that night well half cray cray but then again I know the next day it’s not really sort of a big deal that is why I was still normal but he started zoning out for Chrissake! I know I have feelings but I know it’s not the right time to level it up and be on the romantic side of all things. I don’t think I am ready and he’s just too much to take in. I don’t think it’s going to work out provided he’ll still be himself. It’s fun and all those cute stuff but I am into a long term commitment kind of person, I want my first boyfriend to be my last and those principles I believed in are actually turning me into an old maid. Letting my guards down was actually fun but I know what I really want in my life… I want someone who is dependable, a man who believes in his own convictions and a man who knows what he wants. I don’t need a YOLO guy for the rest of my entire existence here on Earth. I am not being too ideal, I guess a girl has a right to know what he wants for his future husband. I know that at this point, he is not even half of that person I want to spend the rest of my life with but I must admit that I am praying and wishing that someday he’ll change. I guess I wasted my time praying and hoping.

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Maybe he was too afraid to face all the possibilities.

I don’t think being committed to someone is a good idea as of the moment (I am not sourgraping). I was not able to find anyone whom I really like with the qualities of my future husband will be. I mean I got lots of issues to face, problems to deal with and all I need is a friend — a best friend who knows me and yeah I got a lame person who shrugged me off his life leaving me alone without explaining why. Just when I thought he knew me too well, I guess I was wrong. I am not like the other girls in your past, you cannot compare me to them. Since when did I become too clingy? Maybe when I am too drunk and crazy but that’s just it. When I wake up, I am back into my old self realizing I cannot depend much on others to survive. You are another reason why I should stop trusting people. I gave you that trust I rarely give but you turned your back and left me hanging. I don’t know what you’ve been up to lately. I don’t know if you even miss me as much as I miss our long talks. I don’t know you anymore.

I know I am turning into a mad person then emo all of a sudden. I wanted to be mad — well, I have all the right to be mad. You are a coward and an asshole too. Maybe that is why we are friends but I just cannot believe that you can treat me that way. You know me, I will always understand you. I will always be here for you — not because of that crazy feelings I had but because you were my friend. You know how much I care for the people I trust, for the people I value… but even a single explanation, I was not able to get that from you. It hurts to know that I am not even worth an explanation — even a text. If you try to reach out again, do you think I’ll ignore you? No. I will still welcome you and forget all of this shits you’ve been up to. I want the truth, all I want is the truth coming from you. I rather hear the most painful truth than live my life with a beautiful lie. I want you to tell me in a sober conversation, why?

I know I will still be that difficult person to deal with after this blog entry. At 25, I feel more mature and that everyone now listens to what I say. I am no longer the young kid at work, I am now making my own name. I want to be empowered, motivated and driven in my career but as I am gearing towards that path, I become too heartless and focused. I am starting to hate myself but circumstances taught me never to trust anyone too much again.

Yeah, thanks to you by the way!

inspirational, life, Life Blog

The Underdog Theory

My mind is currently drifting with various thoughts and my urge to blog is killing me so might as well indulge myself in the idea of  opening WordPress while selectively listening in our class discussion in Marketing.

I’m right in the middle of brewing my mind in gathering thoughts about the case only to realized that I’m already daydreaming. It’s been a daily dilemma on what career I really want to pursue. Marketing is interesting indeed and I’m seeing myself on that road but with my ambivert personality and diverse wants… it’s too early to tell.

I know my capabilities, how I work around with my strengths and weaknesses and how I manage my life in all aspects. I believed that the best key to success is to know yourself and how you make the best of your God-given and blessed DNA. Experiences and upbringing also plays significantly in how we approach our lives. I am a cynical optimist, a living irony and a variance of two extremes. It’s my mission to fully utilize my potentials and make a difference in this world. It’s also my goal to find a path that will lead me to feel the fulfillment and eternal happiness.

Just to clarify, I’m generally a happy person. I’m the type whose prowess shows if deemed necessary. I’m not the show-off type who brags my achievements. I am not into the limelight but I know that if given the chance I’ll be able to manage it. I am driven with the belief that “What you can do, I can too”.

I am always the second option and an underdog. I don’t want to be the person people looked up to. I don’t want to be the benchmark. I want to be part of the crowd not the star…

I know I’m unique, a warrior with a brave soul and a person who is most unlikely to quit. I love how my mind works especially when I’m inspired and moved by various things or daily miracles. I am a free – thinker, a soul searcher, a person with adamant convictions and a person whose lust for travel and adventure is an addiction.

How to play the game the  underdog way :

1. Know yourself – indulge in the idea of experiencing life in various way to discover your strengths, weaknesses and hidden potentials.

2. Learn from other people’s mistakes and experiences – observe and see opportunities in other people’s lives. Be inspired with their stories, defeats and successes to help you out in dealing with your life as well.

3. Be humble – the best secret to success is never reveal everything that you know and never ASSUME. Don’t be too confident that you know something and end up being disappointed.

4. Loosen up – Stop pressuring yourself to be the best all the time. There will come a time that someone is way better than you so embraced your individuality. Chill. Buy yourself a beer or coffee when you want to.

5. Don’t quit Always choose to be the best version of yourself. Never gave up, continue to hold on and simply believe in your own prowess.  If you don’t have the gears then fight the battle using your heart. 

Everyday is an experience. Life offers various ways for us to discover God’s plans for us. All we need to do is be open to changes and embrace each challenges because it’s our road to self-discovery.

Always remember that when you’re on top, the only way is down so I rather be on ground zero and enjoy my rise to the top.

Be positive and enjoy your journey on the road to self-discovery.

people

07/17 – Day 237: Letter to My 22 Year Old Self

After reading the May edition of Cosmopolitan wherein Leah Salonga, Eugene Domingo, Joey Mead and all other fearless women wrote a letter to their old selves, I realized that it’s better if I have my own version of it too.

Let me share to you a paragraph of what I have written for myself.

Dear 22 Year Old Me,

As time passes by, you should thank God for what have happened in your life. It’s been a decade and who you are today is a product of what have happened in the past.

I was able to face adversity with a strong heart. I was able to surpass conflicts successfully and realized that I am indeed strong and patient. I tried to understand the situation first, weighing the pros and cons before acting based on my emotions which can sometimes be disastrous. Rage and revenge will never be the best solution to problems and conflicts. I find people who trash talk others without any evidence at all as douchebags and pathetic who simply waste my time and energy. I don’t need to explain the real score about me, where I came from and my life all over again. I don’t give a damn as I know the truth.

I am 22 and still egocentric. At least, I am honest to myself.

I am lost.

I don’t know who I will be 10 years from now or if I will still be alive by then but no matter what, I just simply want to enjoy what life has to offer. May the darkness, lost in the labyrinth kind of life I have today will make sense in the future which I know it will be.

I may be happy with what I turned out to be but I am still scared of the future. I may whine about my love-hate relationship with my job but I know it’s likeable and tolerable somehow. Well, at least I get to pretend that I like it everyday just to set my mind to work and be the best that I can be. I motivate myself rather than sulk into miseries and feel so hopeless. I long for the day that I’ll do the job that I really dreamed about and will surely love. I pray for that day and what I can do right now is be the best that I can be right now so that I’ll end up with no regrets at all.

What I know is that I am meant to for something greater but I don’t know what that something is. I hope my long wait will be over soon. I know it will as God will always be on my side no matter what.You know you are a tough young woman, a dreamer, a go-getter and never gives up. You are always game for challenges and adventures. You never cease to dream and make the best version of yourself. You always contemplate on things and thank God for everything. You hate the routine life. You are laidback and simple. At 22, you have dreams waiting to be fulfilled.

Please don’t forget you’re still young.
I know you worry about something and that is to waste your life doing something insignificant.

Learn to live your life one step at time. Just enjoy it!

“Life goes on.
Life is a series of events that shape you into who you wanted to be.
God is there.
God will always be there .
Trust in his power and embrace each struggles whole – heartedly.
Live with faith and love.
Embrace your awesomeness!”

Love,

22 year old — Carol 🙂

journal, life, work

07/04 – Day 224: Fight for Your Right

Just because I am nice doesn’t mean I don’t know how to fight…
I just can’t be quiet all the time especially if you’re talking about my pride here. I never denied that I am egocentric… I am and I will always be. I worked hard to where I am now and I don’t deserve this.

I don’t deserve to be treated like a shit. I know that in this business, you need to make use of people but please make it a win-win situation. What sucks is that you made a crappy decision without even considering other people’s opinions. I am not a robot who would just follow your orders, I am not programmed for that. I am a human being. I have pride. I have dignity. I also deserve respect.

I will fight for my right… and no one can stop me from LEAVING without FIGHTING for justice.

people

06/26 – Day 216: Message in a Bottle

I started reading and got hook to one of Nicholas Sparks greatest novel collection. It’s a story about love and letting go of past feelings that haunt our present lives. There are things in life wherein we just need to follow our curiosity and find our fate. Each page make me learn about love and how sometimes we need to let go of the feelings that we have in order for us to make our present lives significant. We don’t need to be trapped in the horrors of the past, we need to accept some things that have happened in our life whether it’s good or bad.

We don’t need to stop believing in love.

life

05/26 – Day 185: Note to Self — Random Day

I’m satisfied with who I am and what I become and very much excited of who I will be someday. 🙂

We do have insecurities… our eyes, our nose, uneven complexion, buck teeth and the list goes on and on…
I was once insecure of myself. I used to think that I am not capable of doing things. I don’t think I am as beautiful as the models in magazines. I don’t believed that I can be great because I don’t have the confidence within me. I have a lot of flaws and does not know where to place myself in this cruel and unfair world. I just write and write about how I feel about things and cry at night if I cannot take it anymore. Anyhow, it took me a while to become who I am as of the moment. It took me a while to developed my “Win” personality.

People won’t actually believed when I tell them that I used to be a quiet, shy type and aloof kiddo. I became too hard to myself by being too competitive so that I can prove myself and my worth. High school was tough at first but it actually helped me in gaining my much needed confidence. I joined different organizations and find myself in love with the causes of Red Cross. Our team always win in debate sessions but I stopped debating when I lose in college. I was too frustrated that I don’t want to debate again. Petty? I know. Besides, I hate being a debater anyway, one way or another your emotions can sometimes affect you. I still have my opinion on things but I am no longer too radical to fight for what I believed in unless people tries to hit my ego then it’ll be a different story.

So, how did I become an optimist?
To be honest, I’ve been through a lot for the past decade. Some won’t believe it but i guess that’s how our life rocks and rolls. I had major and minor heartbreaks. There was a time I condemned boys for being cheaters and for giving us false hopes but you still can’t help but to fall in love again and again — so I just live with it. 😉
All the challenges, the struggles, the pains, the sufferings, the frustrations and the fears that I faced molded me into who I am today. Someday, one way or another we will see its significance. It happened because it was bound to happen. It needed to happen for us to know that we need to trust God and his will. We need to be frustrated for us to work harder and be the best version of ourselves so that next time we will be ready to face the challenges. Our pains, the burdens that we need to carry is just one of the many that one being is also carrying on his end. The only fair thing in our world is that everybody has their own fair share of unfairness. Suffering is inevitable but the courage to rise after the fall is always an option. We should stop seeing the glass as half empty instead we should see it as half full. A good mindset and a positive outlook in everything that may come your way is your key to success.

I stopped worrying about my life.
I started forgiving people who tried to ruin my life. I forgive but never forget by the way.
I give chances not just to circumstances and people but also to myself.
I embraced every bit of myself, I may not be perfect but I know that God made me to be like this because of a greater purpose.
I am happy of who I become and thank God for the pains I successfully survived because my view on certain things and my life definitely changed for the better.
Today, I am not insecure… instead of being frustrated that I am not a good dancer nor the best singer, I know that I have talents to boot and skills to be proud of.
If people don’t like the idea of I working in a call center and did not turn out to be a programmer, I don’t actually give a damn. Working in a call center is a noble job, I’m with one of the best companies that offer the best benefits and besides I do programming now so spare me from your stereotyping.