I woke up feeling less energize than before. I slept for almost 12 hours and it still feels like I haven’t slept at all. I refused to believe that I am suffering from depression or any mental illness anymore. Life and its corresponding mishaps became my truth, I became resilient over time with a realization that despair is part of my existence. Accepting the truth no matter how distasteful it can be is necessary for growth and maturity. I go with the flow and co-exist with my myriad feels each day. I think I am normal as I still see light in times of darkness.For the past years I’ve been absorbing experiences that have let me see how the world who I used to believe is a beautiful place turns out to be a nightmare.The past months engulfed me in a realm where I want to stop the pain I feel in my soul. I was angered by the series of misfortunate events and that of all the billions of people in the world, God picked on me. He seems to be fond of my despair. Smirking as I endure all the pain. Smiling as I cursed at him. He might think that it’s part of his grandiose plan and that I should just be a sport to all of his games. I prayed for one love that will lasts forever only to end up with another round of uncertainty. I just wished you never answered prayers and make me feel like it was before — it’s just the same feels I have when I realised that I am not worth the words. It’s extreme this time because from words here comes the future. You make me believe once again that this will work out but having a jaded future where I am not even part of it won’t work God. How broken do I need to be for you to save me. Well, I honestly do not get why I experienced too much trials this year and that he didn’t even give me the chance to breathe. God, if you’re a coach then you suck. You are slowly getting into my nerves with all the game plans laid on me, plotted for my own doom rather than my win. I screamed. I yelled. I cried. I fell into the pit of despair. I wanted to die… again. Probably you’re watching me containing your laughter because I don’t get your game.I know that no matter how I wanted to die, my gut just don’t have the full courage to do it. I looked at myself and how life has stained my soul. I looked at myself full of unseen bruises with a little hope that shines in her eyes. I looked at myself a little more and realized that no matter how shitty my life is, I still manage to be kind.There’s still hope inside of me.*****************************************Today, our house even if there’s music on feels silent. It’s not the usual. It all has a certain nostalgic vibe that brought me back years ago. I walked towards the kitchen not knowing what to feel and watched the view outside. It feels like a lonely December afternoon, gloomy and cold. The wind rustles the leaves and the sun shines a little after the dark cloud passed by. I never felt this feeling after a long while without bursting into tears. This is my new reality. It has been 5 months since my mom’s death and slowly the pain seems to be bearable. I can write about how I feel without the fear of being paralysed by a worst episode of anxiety attack. After 29 years, mild anxiety attacks haunt me. The trauma for the past months brought me into this state. It is intensified by my thoughts and memories. Circumstances do trigger it and I find myself bursting into tears while driving, hyperventilating as I hold my shoulders trying to calm myself before I die in an accident. No one gets to see those episodes. No one needs to see how I struggle for air. I try to calm my mind by thinking of things that I still want to happen in my life. I think of the future. I think of my own strength and that I am not mentally ill. I am traumatized by loss. I’ll be fine.I rarely pull over to calm myself as I eventually breathe normally after indulging into a state of daydream and deep breathing. My anxiety attacks and how my heart wanted to bursts are just fleeting events. I’ll be Okay, I constantly remind myself.There are days when I envy people who seem to got it all figured out. Social media showcases some people I know who are living their lives while I am in my dark room wishing I too someday can travel again and see what the world has to offer. I have been lamenting into the debts I need to pay and the loneliness I need to bear this coming holiday season. I breathe heavily now. Tears slowly running down my face. I acknowledge the sadness, the reality I used to refuse is now part of my system.I embraced how darkness became my bestfriend. It is not easy to be in my situation. Every single day I drag myself to move when it feels so lethargic to actually move. I try to live a normal life. My work has been my refuge as it totally distracts me from the Shit life I’m in. Totally different kind of Shit.My mind is full of hopes and fears that I cannot express. My mouth has been shut because not all will actually understand. My heart is always full and that I wish one day all my energy will be reciprocated by the world I used to find beautiful.I hope that love may come my way again unexpectedly or approach it again with more maturity. I long to find a home in someone’s heart, willing to take care of my brokenness for the rest of his life. Someone who can be sure of what he wants. I take in the feeling of devastation slowly in my system and I’m not quite sure until when can I cling into the foundation of my own self-worth and endure a love that is uncertain. Be here now mindset will not work in 2 – 5 years when I’m already about to settle. These YOLO years will end soon and if nothing happens during those times then I guess my will to live too will disappear along my hope for a better tomorrow. I’ll try to hang on and ride the tides for now.I wrote to share what I feel. It’s therapeutic. I want to read this again after a year or two to compare if the feels I feel today is still the same. I hope to grow after all of these and yes, I can’t wait for that day when God finally make me see how this will all make sense someday.My past made sense and I hope today will too.
People like me is pretty much hard to understand and I won’t deny that. It’s not easy to make me talk unless I am very comfortable with you. I am not the loudest person in the room for I am associated as the quiet one, the one who simply observes and most of the time is on day dreaming mode.
I am not surprised if people would name me names or hate me. Honestly, I don’t give a damn. At this point of my life, I stopped caring on what others would actually say about me. Say whatever you want to say it’s a free world. Opinions do matter if you let it matter. If it’s not essential for your growth then trash it — seriously.
I know who I am (and still evolving, still self discovering).
Time taught me to choose battles that are worth fighting. If it won’t matter 365 days from now then why bother spending 60 seconds of my time worrying about it. I tried my best to understand most people and sometimes too much trust can lead to abuse. And yes, I learned it the hard way. I learned to walk out of toxic friendships and situations.
I chose to be happy.
Through the years I’ve became independent and made big decisions that were life changing. There are days when I looked back on how I’ve struggled on too many things and distractions yet I survived. Countless times of begging to God to take my life because of the tremendous pain that I feel; of all the failures that drowned me; of all the doubts that haunted me; and all the fears that crippled me. It wasn’t an easy feat to stand once again and make the world a better place when I have the option to make it hell for others.
I stopped talking because no one will ever understand. I stopped sharing to a lot of people because I know they won’t take that seriously or worst will just take it against me. Instead, I opened my mind and accepted that it’s just the way it is — people will disappoint you all the time but you can’t whine about it and expect them to shower you with love and kisses. I can’t be too ideal on my relationships to others as much as I also want to be one’s ideal friend. That’s next to impossible, I must say.
Mental health and its horrors are not that easy to talk about in this society full of standards and stereotypes. Talk to people who will surely listen, who will not give you the solution but help you out to be better. Hearing nice words and compliments won’t make a depressed person better, they want to hear that no matter what will happen you’re there on their side of the spectrum. Yeah, you hear me right and that’s also respecting their decision to cease their own life. It’s not your battle and you don’t know what’s going on inside them. You may state your thoughts about the situation but don’t provide solutions and force it. Trust me, don’t. Just don’t.
(pause for a minute)
Think of a long road trip to nowhere.
Selfish people will hold you down and will tell you that it’s scary and might probably let you go but with road maps, phone, drawn directions, emergency contact numbers and a handy pepper spray. My point is that they wanted you to be safe. It’s selfish because they simply don’t want to lose you and just want to keep you safe even if you’re too full of the world and want to escape. On the other hand, those who loved deeply will just let you go and will let you enjoy the journey. No trackers, no self defense stuff and probably won’t really require you a knapsack for your clothes. Some people might think that these folks never cared about you but in reality they are the ones who cared more.
What I am saying is that, I grew up in a world full of love and happiness. Too dreamy but it was my reality. My dad is amazing and my mom, although strict is as equally amazing as my father. My uncle who has been supportive and been proud of who I became during my early years was also awesome. They did protect and discipline me yet hold me accountable of my actions/decisions during the whole course of my teenage life. There were days I felt they didn’t even trust me because they sound condescending at times but eventually I realized that they were just afraid that I might get lost in this world full of bad decisions to make.
Even if I am too shy to share my struggles to them, I know that they will support me no matter what and that made me persevered to be better. The trust my parents gave me paved way to me achieving things I never thought of reaching. The goals are growing so as my drive. Depression bottled up inside me for a lot of factors and still haunts me sometimes. Also, losing some of my life’s VIPs just worsen the situation.
Several breakdowns and lone moments were experienced ages ago but I kept going.
I can still recall the days I cried and wished to just simply die. I woke up with a heavy heart and looked at my bedroom wall with suicidal thoughts in mind. It was a lonely journey.
… but also a beautiful one.
Quarter life crisis hit me and the journey of self discovery happened. One fine day when frustrations built up, I booked myself a flight to Cebu. I was 22 then. It was my first time to travel alone and my fear that it will be my last became my nirvana, my sanity break. So, whenever life hits me hard, I go. I go to new places to breathe and explore the world on a different perspective. It makes me feel normal and a totally different person. I am who I am and I am at my happiest.
The beaches were my sanctuary. The blue skies comfort my soul and the sunsets I experienced make me want to live each day a little longer. I am hoping to feel that same moment of awe and gratefulness all over again thus my wanderlust won’t cease to exist.
I never wanted to be understood for I’ve understand that not all will empathise on the choices I made. If I don’t want to be in your circle then I won’t force myself to fit in. I am a free person with an opinionated mind, a mouth who simply shuts up whenever I have nothing good to say ( unless I am drunk or something) and a heart full of love to the broken ones.
I know I cannot save everybody but I still want to save most.
I treat people based on how they treat me and others. I give too many chances to some. I burn bridges and never restore it. I battle fights worth battling and I keep those people of value who’ve prove their worth over time. There are the ones I love to be with and have earned my trust; those who deserve to see my laughters; my crazy side; the one who talks non-stop and jokes around until your stomach hurts. I show myself to those who kept me sane over the years and for friendships that have stood the test of time and transcends wherever we may be.
Lastly, I want to thank people who’ve come and go in my life for you’re those that I exactly need to be in my journey. We may or may not be part of each other’s lives anymore but you folks where the ones I need to grow and be who I am today. I can’t thank you enough( swearing to God I am not being sarcastic). I learned a lot through the years and I’ve been mature in dealing with this. One realization struck me a few months ago though — after all that I’ve been through and all the reckless decisions I made, only I can save myself.