I woke up feeling less energize than before. I slept for almost 12 hours and it still feels like I haven’t slept at all. I refused to believe that I am suffering from depression or any mental illness anymore. Life and its corresponding mishaps became my truth, I became resilient over time with a realization that despair is part of my existence. Accepting the truth no matter how distasteful it can be is necessary for growth and maturity. I go with the flow and co-exist with my myriad feels each day. I think I am normal as I still see light in times of darkness.For the past years I’ve been absorbing experiences that have let me see how the world who I used to believe is a beautiful place turns out to be a nightmare.The past months engulfed me in a realm where I want to stop the pain I feel in my soul. I was angered by the series of misfortunate events and that of all the billions of people in the world, God picked on me. He seems to be fond of my despair. Smirking as I endure all the pain. Smiling as I cursed at him. He might think that it’s part of his grandiose plan and that I should just be a sport to all of his games. I prayed for one love that will lasts forever only to end up with another round of uncertainty. I just wished you never answered prayers and make me feel like it was before — it’s just the same feels I have when I realised that I am not worth the words. It’s extreme this time because from words here comes the future. You make me believe once again that this will work out but having a jaded future where I am not even part of it won’t work God. How broken do I need to be for you to save me. Well, I honestly do not get why I experienced too much trials this year and that he didn’t even give me the chance to breathe. God, if you’re a coach then you suck. You are slowly getting into my nerves with all the game plans laid on me, plotted for my own doom rather than my win. I screamed. I yelled. I cried. I fell into the pit of despair. I wanted to die… again. Probably you’re watching me containing your laughter because I don’t get your game.I know that no matter how I wanted to die, my gut just don’t have the full courage to do it. I looked at myself and how life has stained my soul. I looked at myself full of unseen bruises with a little hope that shines in her eyes. I looked at myself a little more and realized that no matter how shitty my life is, I still manage to be kind.There’s still hope inside of me.*****************************************Today, our house even if there’s music on feels silent. It’s not the usual. It all has a certain nostalgic vibe that brought me back years ago. I walked towards the kitchen not knowing what to feel and watched the view outside. It feels like a lonely December afternoon, gloomy and cold. The wind rustles the leaves and the sun shines a little after the dark cloud passed by. I never felt this feeling after a long while without bursting into tears. This is my new reality. It has been 5 months since my mom’s death and slowly the pain seems to be bearable. I can write about how I feel without the fear of being paralysed by a worst episode of anxiety attack. After 29 years, mild anxiety attacks haunt me. The trauma for the past months brought me into this state. It is intensified by my thoughts and memories. Circumstances do trigger it and I find myself bursting into tears while driving, hyperventilating as I hold my shoulders trying to calm myself before I die in an accident. No one gets to see those episodes. No one needs to see how I struggle for air. I try to calm my mind by thinking of things that I still want to happen in my life. I think of the future. I think of my own strength and that I am not mentally ill. I am traumatized by loss. I’ll be fine.I rarely pull over to calm myself as I eventually breathe normally after indulging into a state of daydream and deep breathing. My anxiety attacks and how my heart wanted to bursts are just fleeting events. I’ll be Okay, I constantly remind myself.There are days when I envy people who seem to got it all figured out. Social media showcases some people I know who are living their lives while I am in my dark room wishing I too someday can travel again and see what the world has to offer. I have been lamenting into the debts I need to pay and the loneliness I need to bear this coming holiday season. I breathe heavily now. Tears slowly running down my face. I acknowledge the sadness, the reality I used to refuse is now part of my system.I embraced how darkness became my bestfriend. It is not easy to be in my situation. Every single day I drag myself to move when it feels so lethargic to actually move. I try to live a normal life. My work has been my refuge as it totally distracts me from the Shit life I’m in. Totally different kind of Shit.My mind is full of hopes and fears that I cannot express. My mouth has been shut because not all will actually understand. My heart is always full and that I wish one day all my energy will be reciprocated by the world I used to find beautiful.I hope that love may come my way again unexpectedly or approach it again with more maturity. I long to find a home in someone’s heart, willing to take care of my brokenness for the rest of his life. Someone who can be sure of what he wants. I take in the feeling of devastation slowly in my system and I’m not quite sure until when can I cling into the foundation of my own self-worth and endure a love that is uncertain. Be here now mindset will not work in 2 – 5 years when I’m already about to settle. These YOLO years will end soon and if nothing happens during those times then I guess my will to live too will disappear along my hope for a better tomorrow. I’ll try to hang on and ride the tides for now.I wrote to share what I feel. It’s therapeutic. I want to read this again after a year or two to compare if the feels I feel today is still the same. I hope to grow after all of these and yes, I can’t wait for that day when God finally make me see how this will all make sense someday.My past made sense and I hope today will too.
I’ve lost hours each day doing the mundane things which I no longer find value. I feel like I’m rotten inside with no more growth awaits me. I listen to motivational podcasts upon going to work to psych my mind but it all boils down to one thing, do whatever that makes you happy. I am not happy with where I am right now. You can’t settle for less when you know you can still max out yourself.
Going back to the article, I must say it was definitely right. It’s like an article solely written for me at this point of my life.
“We are so terrified by the idea of moving on, because we feel like we just can’t move on and leave things behind. We sacrifice our own being, our own happiness. We choose to compromise all these because we choose to stay, when we should really be moving on, moving forward.”
— Thought Catalog: If You’re Unhappy With Your Life, It’s Your Responsibility To Change It by Dian Tinio
“If you’re unhappy with your job, quit. If you feel like, you’re no longer growing, no longer learning, if you’re no longer productive, if you’re only clocking in and out every single day – then move. If you’re constantly stressing over the fact that it drains you mentally, physically and emotionally, then move. If you’re thinking of just sticking with that job that never fails to suck your joy because it pays the bills and you might be “promoted” there and can call yourself “successful” and “happier” – NO. Your happiness does not depend on your success. Your success actually depends on your happiness. If you think there are new opportunities, new places, new things you can explore and will contribute to your soul and to your individual growth, then go there. If it’s worth your time thinking, then it’s worth trying. No one’s too old to try. Whether it ends good or bad, it’s still an experience. Let’s not forget that every experience teaches us a valuable lesson that we might never learn if we choose otherwise.”
I feel that I am more than what I do now. Almost nine years of nonstop working and dramas being tolerated over the years, I’ve reached this point when I’m full of it already. I’m tired of doing same things. I’m tired of complying. I’m tired of being stuck in this loophole with no assurance of a great future. My life should begin now and I’ve dedicated almost nine years of my life to a place that I must say had mold me to be a better leader. I’ve been resilient enough to face the challenges but standing still is not enough when you know for a fact that you are born to do wonders.
I kept on looking back and I am too afraid to jump into a new career path. I’ve been playing safe because I fear to fail again knowing my finances will be jeopardize. I am not depressed and wants to kill myself just because my life is a complete mess, in fact I want to LIVE. I feel that I need to revamp my life but the big question there is where and when to start?
I know I need to make things happen now… But how?
Disclaimer: This post has too many selfies. Viewer discretion is advised.
To start off, I failed my 30-day blogging challenge. You see I’ve been lazy and demotivated to write especially when my mind is not in sync to my soul. I just don’t want to write for the sake of writing, I always write what I feel.
Today, my heart is full.
I’m in my room right now trying to control my surging emotions. Aside from being grateful for another year, all of the challenges I’ve been through start flashing righ before my eyes. Battles that got worsen by my mind and days when I’ve almost lose everything were gone. I’m thankful for today and for who I’ve become over the years. The darkest of my days paved way to that strength I’ve never imagined I possess. To all the whines, complaints and suicidal thoughts that bothered me and how depression crippled me to see the beauty of this world, thank you because I’m glad I’m still here.
I thought my life was a curse. It was a series of fortunate and misfortunate events. A never ending saga of great feeling and then bombarded by bad luck causing me to hate everything I have. I guess time really teaches us to be wise because right now I’m thankful for all of it.
Being 28 was a whole lot of firsts. This is the age of wisdom, the age where I learned to appreciate my pains and made me better. It’s the age when I made bold decisions and embraced responsibilities I never thought I’ll be able to withstand.
Let me recall some of my firsts this year:
- Learned how to drive
- Got my passport
- Got my driver’s license
- Bank loan
- Had mouth expanders that made me talk weird
- Had braces
- Got my premolars extracted
- Ventured in online business
- Learned to let go of past hangups and loved again
- Ride a trike to explore places
- First facial ever
- Got glasses
The list goes on and let me add some near death experiences that I didn’t care much because I’m alive anyways. 😂
I actually cried earlier because of my bestfriend’s message to me and I can’t thank him enough for all those years. I made the best decision this year to keep those people who brings out the best in me and not the beast in me. A lot of people come out way but not are all meant to stay. I thank all those who joined me once in my journey because somehow you are able to be part of my growth. I didn’t regret my decision to close some chapters because it was necessary for my own growth. I am proud of my friends list today.
I remembered how I became too emotional talking to a customer last week because he was an angel. You see not all days at work are good. There are days when I reassess myself and then realize how my skills are put into waste. I got tired of self-pitying and just reminded myself how it pays the bills. He was an angel because he reminded me of what I can become someday. If I believe in myself then I can go a long way. I can be an executive or some sort and that made me smile.
He also told me that I’m smart. A lot of people tell me that but I don’t usually believe it. I never believed that I’m smart. I used to have awards in school and even part of the president’s list in graduate school but to be honest it didn’t change the way I view myself… until last week. I thought people just tell me that I’m smart to boost and motivate me. Now, I’m starting to believe in it.
He told me that I was raised well by my parents. He can sense it on the way I’ve talked to him and how I’ve answered his questions. I almost cried while I’m talking to him because it reminded me of my cause back then, to make my parents proud of me. Oftentimes, I think that I failed my mom and dad because I haven’t make used of my skillset well. On better days, I knew I’m a good daughter.
I love my mom, my dad and my uncle. They did their best to provide me a better life even if I demanded more during those days when we are financially troubled. I love how they cared about me and supported my decisions. I’ve lost two of my pillars and my mom is also getting older… my fear is to lose her while I’m still finding myself. It’s a pain growing up without a father, more pain when my uncle died right before my eyes and I can’t imagine the pain I’ll face when I lost her. That is my only birthday wish this year… More years with my mom.
I’ll keep on being myself no matter what. I know that I’m grumpy at times, a total asshole to some and that friend with such comical character.
I am who I am and my attitude towards people is based on their attitude towards me and others. I value people that brings good vibes and hate those that generates animosity.
I’ll strive to be better. The strength I’ve acquired over the years will make me surpass the trials that will come. I am better today because I choose to be better, I choose the f*cks worth f*cking and simply trusting the process.
To all the people who took their time to greet me and showed their love, I am thankful. Thanks for reminding me that my existence is well appreciated and for boosting my bruised ego. I promised myself to continue living life with an optimistic mindset. I will continue to share my compassion and kindness, a promise to make life a better place to live.
To the man I love and will always love, thanks for bringing light into my world and for always reminding me that I’m worth loving. I love you John Paul.
Cheers to more years…
And more Pabebe days with you…
I still have problems to face and more challenges to encounter. I’ve thread so much for 28 years and now, a new chapter unfolds. I don’t know what’s in store on my 29th year but I face it with a taunting smile as I whisper “bring it on”.
Happy 29th to me, such an oldie! 😂
On day 6 of this blogging challenge, I’ll share about my current relationship.
I’m no longer single and the dramas I wrote before is just part of history where I learned a lot and cringe upon every time I read about my ramblings. Life is different now knowing I got someone I can totally depend on. It’s not perfect I must say as we have different opinions on a lot of things that can sometimes cause us arguments or disagreements. Our personalities are almost the same in quite areas but mine is probably stronger but despite on me being hard-headed, I always find myself listening to him.
I like to see him smile and his smile can calm me from the stress and pain that I feel. I value the time he spent on me and just being there. I do sometimes wish he’s a guy full of surprises or the romantic one because I must say he is an ultimate fail in romance and sweet stuff.
He is my kind of happy now. I remembered when we’re just starting to get to know each other and I’ve got numerous list of doubts and how my mind fed me with all the negativities this relationship has… I was terrified to be hurt all over again because I don’t know if I can still make it especially with the other problems I got. My mind has been a hellish place to be and being caught up in confusion is just “deathrifying”. It was a rough start, an offroad course only those who trust most can survive and now we’re off to better roads. We can’t deny the roadblocks and detours our relationship may have but we’re both game to what adventure awaits us. As long as we put out trust in each other even if we travel on separate roads, our love will still lead us together. I hope so. We both have dreams we long to achieve and all we need is a strong motivation to keep going… to keep on doing the best that we can to achieve our heart’s desire. All the effort today is bound to a greater future.
I’m glad I gave him the chance to prove his worth. I’m glad that he never gave up on me despite my stubborness. Everything is totally new to me at first, texting or dropping messages of my whereabouts and quitting my weekend “walwal” sessions to survive each week’s routine. It feels better now compared to the days where I have my own self doubts and fears of getting old alone with no one to love me.
I pray that this will be a forever kind of love story and if not I hope I’ll keep on believing in love as much as I’ve believed in this relationship. All we need is love to be better… always.❤
Here’s a link of my previous blog post rehashing why I love this guy: About Us.
Finally Day 2 and I admit it I’m lazy to blog but I have to. I owe this to myself and it’s a challenge I need to withstand no matter what.
Anyways, let’s start this one off by doing a list of to-do’s before I turn 30 – 1. Ugh.
- Enjoy my team building tomorrow October 24 and make sure that all games I planned will be administered.
- Eat that salted caramel praline cake something in Felicia’s.
- Pay my credit card dues.
- Pay my car’s insurance.
- Write a poem.
- Write 10 haikus owed to be published in WordPress.
- Work on better promotions in my Lookah page. Yeah, I sell clothes.
- Eat with Bae at a Korean/Japanese/Vietnamese restaurant.
- Lose 2kg of excess fat.
- Pick a metallic colored braces.
- Watch and take a snapshot of a beautiful sunset.
- Be the top team lead. *grins then rofl*
- Pass my scorecard this fiscal >4.50
- Not be late at work. *grins*
- Finish reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
- Declutter my messy Gmail inbox.
- Upload my travel pictures and blog about some of it.
- Finish this 30-day challenge and celebrate.
- Buy a new cellphone case.
- Finish another Querkles masterpiece.
- Finish my audits at work before the deadline.
- Go to a beach or a place that is serene and beautiful.
- Put up a Christmas Tree.
- Clean my room and throw away unnecessary stuff.
- Make use of my sewing machine and buy sewing stuff.
- Listen to more Wake Up with Jim and Saab podcasts just because they are awesome.
- Watch movie with my favourite person, John Paul.
- Dine out with friends.
- Visit Tito and Daddy in the cemetery.
- Celebrate Boogie’s first anniversary and probably have him blessed.
That’s all I can think of right now. May the odds be in my favor and achieved all these plans. Lists keep me excited and ticking them off makes me feel accomplished. 😊
It’s been a while since the last time I blogged my thoughts. Honestly, I tried hard to write, tried even harder to sum up my ideas and ended up in despair. It’s that time of the year again where I suffer from occasional writer’s block, a lame reason I made up to justify my laziness. I need to gather my thoughts and write something sensible or should I say personal just like what I’ve been doing for almost a decade here in WordPress.
Today I challenged myself to write again just because I want to do something special 30 days before I turn 29. Birthday blues are brewing within my system but work life keeps my mind too preoccupied that it has no time to be sad. I searched some topics online to somehow keep me alive in the field I am pretty much interested into and found some son called cure. I got this idea from Pinterest and I’m excited to start my own but I’ll somehow tweak it a bit. I won’t follow Katy’s suggestion on what needs to go first, I rather make up my own list and survive this one-month of cerebral journey.
Thanks to KatyWidrick.com
Day 1 is supposed to be a quick run through of my current relationship status but I don’t feel that topic to jump start this list of thoughts. I want to share more of myself and my goals for the next 10 years because by then I’ll be 38 and that’s pretty old. 👵
Dear God, I see myself as a materialistic asshole with this list I made and please forgive me as it is still a work in progress:
- Driving a pick-up or an SUV off-road somewhere with friends or family just because it’s weekend.
- Graduating with another post grad degree probably in Psychology or finishing Law School and be an attorney.
- Travelling to more places internationally… ( Singapore, Japan, Indonesia, Malaysia, Europe, Thailand, Hongkong, Taiwan and more…)
- Being with my love in Palawan, Siargao and Batanes as well as arguing on what stories we’ll start publishing and sorting out our ideas on what to do, where to go next
- Getting promoted at work and developing my skills or finally resigning to get a job that would enhance my skillset and make me work outside of my comfort zone. I am interested into strategic management and corporate planning but I also wanna go away from traditional and rigid way of implementing processes.
- Building a huge following in Instagram and engaging more people to appreciate poetry and photography. I might as well try spoken poetry.
- Publishing a coffee table book that includes my haikus and poems.
- Having a big birthday celebration for my mom and be with her most of the time. I just want her to always remember my name.
- Getting married and having 2-3 kids.
- Being financially free and live a comfortable life.
The list goes on as time passes by but I want to go back to this post one day to check if I was able to work on my plans. I even sent a copy of this to myself via FutureMe.org to review after a decade.
It’s refreshing to feel a little bit of pressure after a long time. I never wanted to force myself to write but I got to, I need to. Coming up with this post is nerve wracking but I’m glad I was able to finish this with a joy in my heart. This is just the start of something new.
Thanks for visiting! 💓
I found myself alone inside a fast food restaurant shoving fries in my mouth while watching the raindrops slowly dripping on the crystal glass. Too many words in my mind and I’m ready to write again about my feelings for tonight.
The thoughts did not stop instead it kept on going and going until I got exhausted and drove myself home. I felt my heart suddenly sank and the emotions then again drowned me. I prayed too loud to the point of begging God, not now — not this year. I can’t imagine my life without meaning. I don’t know how I’ll survived without my mom. I know she’s getting older and weaker and God knows that she’s been through a lot in this lifetime. All I want is more time.
Last March 7 my mom celebrated her birthday and told me it might be her last. I don’t know how to respond except that I smiled and told her that she’ll still be with us until 100. I know this conversation will come and reality tells me I don’t have much time. People and family members would always say that she’s alive because of me and all that she’s waiting is for me to settle down and have a family of my own. My heart breaks whenever I hear those words not because I’m pressured but because I feel that even it’s about time she chooses to stay for me. God knows how much I love her and she’s the only reason why I keep going. Every day the thought of losing her haunts me. I cannot exist without her. I just can’t.
I’m trying to sort my plans especially when she’s gone and I’m still single. I’ll probably find a job abroad and live on my own or stay and feel the loneliness of a barren house. I might go back to my old ways of going home intoxicated just temporarily forget the sadness I feel. The pain is ripping my heart and my mind is in great chaos — imagining that kind of pain is torturous to the soul.
My reality tells me that I’m hoping too much in this world. I still have a lot of hope and a lot of faith. I recalled how I survived my past challenges by escaping with people who understands me, who are crazier and sad but sees hope by looking forward of every fun weekend. It’s the story behind each bottle that floods the chaos of our soul. It’s the fun memories you make out of a drunken night that make you forget the cruelness life has to offer. It’s the bad decisions turned into a funny memory. No matter how reality surely bites, the pain didn’t last for long as long as you’re in good company. Maybe I’ll do it again just to regain the temporary happiness when all the hope is gone.
Today, I fear what tomorrow beholds. I fear that I will lose it all — my reason to exist. Maybe I wanted to get married and have a family of my own. Maybe I don’t. Maybe I’ll find someone who’ll choose me over and over again and build a family. Maybe I’ll wait for more years. Maybe I’ll get tired and keep on escaping until I get exhausted. All the maybes, all the what ifs and no certainty on what’s next.
My manager told me to let go, let go of everything including my mom. Maybe it’s about time for me to tell her that even without her I’ll survive knowing I have a job and boyfriend already that will care for me when she’s gone. Honestly, I just can’t let go. My job is not stable and I don’t want to be a burden to the boy I love. I can’t let go of the reason why I choose to exist no matter how badly I wanted to die. I have millions of reasons to no longer exist and few to live. I’m tired of this crappy world but I choose to keep going for my mom.
Suddenly it made sense to me why my mother always tell me to bear a child before she goes. Maybe she feels that with a child I’ll find meaning again, a better reason to exist and to not die out of depression. My mom knows and feels she’s the reason I am not giving up.
I kept on talking fervently to God on my way home begging for more years until I’m settled, until I find meaning in life again. Today makes sense because of my mother and even how much love I can give to other people, they are all dispensable but not our parents especially our mother who sacrificed her life for us, who carry us in their wombs and who gave us unconditional love. No one can be in her shoes.
My heart crushes whenever the thought resides in my mind. I can’t, I just can’t live without her. Again, I begged to give five to ten years of my life in exchange for more years with my mom. It’s my Simala prayer… more years. More Years. I love her so much and I just can’t live without her… not now please, not this year.
I remembered praying for love, a kind of love that would destroy the walls I’ve built for years. You came — you slowly walked into the walls I’ve made, tried to touch it and it melted my uncertainties. Maybe I’m inlove with you way back or maybe I’m not but what is certain is that I want you in my life as a friend. Until this day, you reminded me how beautiful life can be.
I honestly forgot how our friendship started, probably just a simple message turned into daily talk about work and life. It was a series of messages turned into long calls of stories being shared that turned out to be my blog inspiration. We eat and talk most of the time. I got hooked to the daily thing that it was hard to be taken away from my routine — our routine.
I don’t trust people that much but talking to you was a breeze. I wrote blogs and poetry with you in my mind — there were hopes, there were pain, there were love yet unrealized that time.
Hearing you broke up with your ex was actually a rollercoaster of feelings that piled up. I wanted to breathe further as I’m being drowned by my thoughts. I know I’m mad with what she has done yet in my heart there was too much care for you – that kind of care that scares you because you know it’s not right. I called several times just to check if you’re fine. I wanted to be there for you whenever you hated the world. I wanted to comfort you. All I wanted was for you to be okay all the time, to be happy.
You are an amazing person, BTW.
You push me to my limits, dared me to try a different approach when things don’t work out the way I planned it to be.
I must admit that not all days with you are perfect. There are times we argue due to opposing views and oftentimes my point and yours are being misunderstood by the other. I know that it is frustrating. We are our at wits end sometimes. I hope we’ll never give up in trying to understand, I’m glad we spend our time talking and listening after arguing. Listening is vital — beyond words, actions and facial expressions.
There are days when I don’t get your humor while mine is so shallow for you to bear. I admit that you’re street smart in a lot of ways compared to me. What I know is pretty much basic compared to how you see life.
It annoys me when you’re being bossy and raising your voice to stress out points sometimes. I know I’m not perfect and I tend to raise my voice too especially when I’m frustrated. I know you cared that’s why you comment on my driving skills. I hate that you are not into travelling but thanks for trying to be with me most of the time. I hate that I can’t order shrimp pasta because I can’t share it with you and you know how much I love sharing my favourite food and places to you. I hate that you don’t like salads and veggies for the reason I stated earlier. I hate it but you know I still love you.
Our mood sometimes ruin our perfect moment and I’m being too dramatic in dealing with life sometimes that it irks you because life is actually simple supposed to be. I apologize for being wired this way sometimes, emotional and idealistic.
There are too many indifferences that both of us questioned how long both of us will last when we always end up frustrated with each other. Hmmmmmnnnn…
I guess it’s too early to tell because we are both adjusting and accepting. You can’t be changed and I can’t be changed. We are who we are and it’s lovely. No one captured my heart the way you did it. You slowly picked up my broken pieces, tried to patch it all up and made those pieces whole again. The wounds reminded me how strong I am all these years and it’s worth another try especially that it’s you.
We are both smart people who came from different social and family backgrounds. There’s a huge difference in how we see life and it’s beautiful to learn from each other.
The optimist meets the pessimist.
The ambivert and the introvert.
The idealist and the realist.
John Paul, I love you for being you.
I love you because you care for me and that you love me despite my flaws. I love you so much that it scares me sometimes. I’m in love right now to the point that I can’t imagine my life without you. I hate to go back to those days I’m nursing a broken heart and hates cupid to the nth level. I don’t want to go back to those days that I cry for not being that girl who is worth the words. I hate to be alone. Even if my solitude brings peace, life is better if being shared with the one you love the most.
I miss my old self — less stress, always smiling and cheerful. People always comment that my laughter is contagious. What I’ve become? Despite how I’ve changed because of work, you were there. You still look at me with that crazy smile sometimes, I always catch you by the way and it keeps the butterflies in my stomach alive.
I will be here for you babe, to not cheat on my feelings and to you. I want to have more adventures. I want to spend time with you. I want to hear your thoughts on how your day went and I want to be your partner in playing Rules of Survival.
I hope that you’re the one God sent because I prayed too hard for this moment to come in my life. I’m glad you came and I hope it’s for good.
Finally, a blog post dedicated for you my love. You’ve made a significant mark in my life to move me to write about you…about us. More to come for the years to come — hopefully.
Sorry for being stubborn and thanks for being my sunshine, for keeping me happy when my skies are gray and I hope that God won’t take my sunshine away( insert Moira’s song here).
I love you, always. 😊
I’ve written too much these past few years and my blog posts showcase my thoughts on a gloomy day. It’s a series of rants, unspoken words and poetry that reveals a not so typical piece of me. Words are my refuge in times when my heart is full of rage, despair, happiness and loneliness. What I’ve written all these years are my emotions waiting to be judge by the public who does not know the real me. I wear my heart on my sleeve perfectly in each piece of literary mayhem. It conveys emotions that are cryptic to some yet true friends know what I exactly mean. Well, people have their own opinions and I’ve lived past their scrutiny.
I have known myself from all its recesses and how my emotions can fluctuate from time to time. I’m a reservoir waiting to be filled by memories and circumstances — sometimes shines, sometimes covered with darkness.
I know how to tame my inner beast during the peak of my emotions as it eats my sanity away. I growl for respect and revenge is always sweeter if achieved. I am a monster when in rage and it’s hard to tame myself when justice ain’t sought.
Looking myself in the mirror again, I’ve grown fast. The loneliness in my eyes were replaced by hope and the faith within have been stronger. I’ve overcome life’s worst and here I am standing still, brushing off the dusts from yesteryears battle. Another montage of past events on repeat, I’ve sorted it based on how I’ve successfully handled it. Not all emotions were retrieved but the memories were so clear. Where did the old me go? The one who sulks in one corner; the one who cried herself to sleep slowly losing hope in this world; the one who held the gun wanting to shoot herself; the one who travelled to find herself; the one who gave up on love just because she felt that she’s unworthy; the one who created her own euphoria by writing poetry; and the hopeless romantic.
I touched myself trying to feel it’s realness. I am alive. I know people have judged me for what I’ve wrote, for what I’ve act and for the decisions I made. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I always put my faith to test this humanity. My heart wanted to let people see how I’ve seen it. I wanted to negotiate and make both ends meet no matter how hard it is. I’ve wanted to explain to people who got hurt by my words and actions to let them understand. I wanted peace and happiness but I realized that not all people see life the way I see it.
Yes, I am innocent sometimes. The patience I extend are oftentimes abused. The niceness I project is always being challenged by circumstances. Some people provoke my own demons and they summon my own beast, the beast I’m trying to kill for quite some time. This beast is egocentric and hates injustice. It wanted to give detractors a taste of their own medicine. It symbolizes strength, power and evilness of my soul. It humbly waits for its prey who trespasses the danger zone. It is hard to tame sometimes but has been tamed all the time.
I have been better all these years — such an honor and uplifts thy soul.
The anger in my heart have been constantly healed by love and appreciation. I pray to God for patience and wisdom to understand and respond to situations in a manner that I won’t regret. I need to be better, I remind myself all the time. You can’t buy class, you exhibit it. People like me may think of ways to seek revenge but I believe karma has its own way of dealing with our lives. If you know you did not do anything wrong, you can sleep well at night. Wish people well instead.
I pray for peace and trust. I pray for a life I deserve. I pray for patience and love. I pray for forgiveness to those who’ve talked behind me, judged me and for those who’ve said nasty words. I know there will be no peace in my heart if I keep on looking back to those days where I got hurt. To keep going is harder than before if I let my useless emotional baggages drag me. I’ve been assured and that’s what I’ve trying to hold on right now. Until that day comes along, I’ll keep going and I’ll choose to be better.
And so I stop being so excited for the new year. I watched the second hand as it moves swiftly, here goes another wasted second.
2017 I must say is a year of new beginnings and remarkable memories. I waved goodbye to my quarter life crisis drama and depression is just another battle I kept on winning. Too many sullen episodes last 2017 but I survived. I’m glad I did. I’m glad I was able to keep going despite the toxicities of my mind. I’m glad I am here today drafting my year end post.
Life has never been easy for idealists like me for they see things way differently and they ended up most of the time frustrated.
It was a year where I travelled alone or with friends. I went to places that is new to me. Places that are not even that famous yet gave me a lifetime experience I’ll never forget. Those experiences made me better as a person and gave me the chance to appreciate life’s simple pleasures.
I’ve let go and opened my heart to new possibilities. Another year ended and this time I knew I emerged as someone who became better as time passes by. I aged gracefully and now somewhat mature in dealing with life. It has been a wonderful journey despite the set backs, great falls and frustrations. I should not be afraid of what’s in store. I know life is not all about good things and that I should prepare myself to deal with the storms and losing some battles. I know there will another episodes of melancholia. There will be days that I want to just stay in my room an cry but there will also be days that you’ll be grateful that you’re alive. I am happy because I met people who kept me sane this 2017 and that made me feel that it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to be not perfect. It’s okay to be full of flaws because they’ve accepted me for who I am — depressed and crazy.
They’ve been the funniest travel buddies I’ve been and I’m definitely looking forward to our next adventures.
And to Paul who never ceased to believe in my potentials, thank you. Thanks for being my best friend and shoulder to lean on during the times when I hated the world. Who would have thought that our friendship turned into something else? Despite all the dramas, I’m thankful that you came and that you didn’t give up on me. Thanks for being there always. I love you so much and I cannot wait to make memories with you and the rest of our friends.
2017, I bid goodbye to all the pains I felt and will be forever thankful to the new achievements I’ve unlocked both financially and emotionally. Work has been fine — challenging and tolerable. I hope I’ll be able to spend more time to what matters most than engage myself with stress that affects my being. I may need more time to unwind.
To 2018, I don’t expect much from you but let God’s will be done in my life. I’ll hold on to my faith that no matter what’s in store for me this year, I’ll be forever grateful for a life that I should start loving and living. I still wish for good health to the people I love and may we still have more time to make beautiful memories. 😊
God bless us all. Cheers to another year and may we enjoy another 365 days ride to 2019. Welcome aboard to flight 2018. ❤