personal, Uncategorized

Have I Gone Mad?Β 

I’ve written too much these past few years and my blog posts showcase my thoughts on a gloomy day. It’s a series of rants, unspoken words and poetry that reveals a not so typical piece of me. Words are my refuge in times when my heart is full of rage, despair, happiness and loneliness. What I’ve written all these years are my emotions waiting to be judge by the public who does not know the real me. I wear my heart on my sleeve perfectly in each piece of literary mayhem. It conveys emotions that are cryptic to some yet true friends know what I exactly mean. Well, people have their own opinions and I’ve lived past their scrutiny. 

I have known myself from all its recesses and how my emotions can fluctuate from time to time. I’m a reservoir waiting to be filled by memories and circumstances — sometimes shines, sometimes covered with darkness. 

I know how to tame my inner beast during the peak of my emotions as it eats my sanity away. I growl for respect and revenge is always sweeter if achieved. I am a monster when in rage and it’s hard to tame myself when justice ain’t sought. 

Looking myself in the mirror again, I’ve grown fast. The loneliness in my eyes were replaced by hope and the faith within have been stronger. I’ve overcome life’s worst and here I am standing still, brushing off the dusts from yesteryears battle. Another montage of past events on repeat, I’ve sorted it based on how I’ve successfully handled it. Not all emotions were retrieved but the memories were so clear. Where did the old me go? The one who sulks in one corner; the one who cried herself to sleep slowly losing hope in this world; the one who held the gun wanting to shoot herself; the one who travelled to find herself; the one who gave up on love just because she felt that she’s unworthy; the one who created her own euphoria by writing poetry; and the hopeless romantic. 

I touched myself trying to feel it’s realness. I am alive. I know people have judged me for what I’ve wrote, for what I’ve act and for the decisions I made. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I always put my faith to test this humanity. My heart wanted to let people see how I’ve seen it. I wanted to negotiate and make both ends meet no matter how hard it is. I’ve wanted to explain to people who got hurt by my words and actions to let them understand. I wanted peace and happiness but I realized that not all people see life the way I see it. 

Yes, I am innocent sometimes. The patience I extend are oftentimes abused. The niceness I project is always being challenged by circumstances. Some people provoke my own demons and they summon my own beast, the beast I’m trying to kill for quite some time. This beast is egocentric and hates injustice. It wanted to give detractors a taste of their own medicine. It symbolizes strength, power and evilness of my soul. It humbly waits for its prey who trespasses the danger zone. It is hard to tame sometimes but has been tamed all the time. 

I have been better all these years — such an honor and uplifts thy soul. 

The anger in my heart have been constantly healed by love and appreciation. I pray to God for patience and wisdom to understand and respond to situations in a manner that I won’t regret. I need to be better, I remind myself all the time. You can’t buy class, you exhibit it. People like me may think of ways to seek revenge but I believe karma has its own way of dealing with our lives. If you know you did not do anything wrong, you can sleep well at night. Wish people well instead.

I pray for peace and trust. I pray for a life I deserve. I pray for patience and love. I pray for forgiveness to those who’ve talked behind me, judged me and for those who’ve said nasty words. I know there will be no peace in my heart if I keep on looking back to those days where I got hurt. To keep going is harder than before if I let my useless emotional baggages drag me. I’ve been assured and that’s what I’ve trying to hold on right now. Until that day comes along, I’ll keep going and I’ll choose to be better. 


The Friendzone.

I cannot just forget you. It’s like a disease that I am constantly battling hoping I will be cured anytime soon. Every day I keep asking myself about us… is there really such thing as forever? Prolly yes, prolly no.

I want to forget you because it hurts too bad already. It sucks to be a meantime girl not knowing her place in your own damn world. I am running desperate in finding ways to simply forget all the care that I feel inside me towards you. I hate it when you start explaining when I wanted to ignore you. My life suddenly revolves in a world where you are part of. It sucks to always spend time with you because I become too dependent of your presence. We are not together. We are not lovers. We are just friends — best of friends perhaps but again we are not lovers.

Blogging has been my therapy and this post makes me want to throw up because I am fully aware of how stupid I can be yet I let myself be so stupid. If only you were able to see my reaction. I wanted to ignore you earlier and let the day pass by not talking. It’s just too stupid of me of actually waiting for your stupid reply if we’ll eat or not when in fact it’s never been an issue if I’m alone or whatever. Things with you are quite different it scares me big time. I hate caring too much because I know how it feels to be totally broken and forsaken. God forbids, I don’t want it to happen again. I don’t want to spend another 7 years of my life rehashing everything that have happened and limit myself from finding someone who can actually save me from my own demons. Oh well.

Again, I’m stuck in a gigantic maze trying to figure my way out. I am not even worth those words I wanted to hear from youΒ since time immemorial. I am the amazing friend who will never leave him behind no matter how I wanted to. This friendzone thing really drives me nuts but I guess this is really how it supposed to be. I remembered how I felt too guilty not telling you when someone invited me for lunch — I should not even feel that way because I am single and not even committed to anyone, to you. I can do whatever I want to do. I am actually free just pretending to be not. I am not making myself available to others hoping what we currently have may evolve into something a bit cheesier. Yeah right.

You are my nightmare dressed like a daydream. You are the sweetest kind of pain I am willing to endure because you make me happy.

I just want you to tell me straight that you can’t love me, that you hate me, that I cannot be your girlfriend, that I am just the best friend anyone can actually have whatever… kindly do me a favor, please break my heart as early as now. Marry someone, crushed me into pieces before I am too old to realize that I am waiting for someone who is actually not ready to be mine and not even proud to have me.

Enough said.