personal

The Saturation Point.

Definition of saturation point

: the point at which there are so many of a thing that no more can be added successfully

Thanks Merriam Webster for defining saturation point. It’s actually a term used in Chemistry when the substance has no more chance to absorb or dissolve. It has reached a point in its life when you’re already able to maximize what needs to be maximize and things are no longer that interesting unlike before. I guess I’ve reached my own life’s saturation point.

Today, I’ve got this desire to write what has been bothering me for the past months. I feel like I’m stuck in a loop where I’m trying to pretend that I’m fine when totally I’m not. It has been a constant struggle of not knowing what I really want in life. I feel that everyday for the past years I’m killing my self slowly for not taking risks in pursuing what my heart desires for the sake of practicality. I feel like I’m my own prisoner.

What moved me to write is this article I stumbled upon in Facebook and it made me cry. I’ve been crying a lot lately. I cried several times inside the car prior to going to work. I cried after I wake up because I knew that I’ll deal with another shitty day in the office. I cried on my way home hating the stress I feel in the office. I cried my way to sleep because I’m too frustrated with everything that is going on with my career life as it is starting to affect the other aspects of my life. It’s ruining my relationship to people. It changes my mood very quick and I can snap on simple questions being asked. I’ll deal with people who kept on repeating same mistakes after I coach them. People who tend to let their common sense die sometimes because “this job pays me right even if I don’t do it right”. I need to deal with the things I am no longer passionate about just because it pays my bills and feeds my family. It’s one of the most miserable feeling in the world; to get up, show up and do what is expected from you.

I’ve lost hours each day doing the mundane things which I no longer find value. I feel like I’m rotten inside with no more growth awaits me. I listen to motivational podcasts upon going to work to psych my mind but it all boils down to one thing, do whatever that makes you happy. I am not happy with where I am right now. You can’t settle for less when you know you can still max out yourself.

Going back to the article, I must say it was definitely right. It’s like an article solely written for me at this point of my life.

“We are so terrified by the idea of moving on, because we feel like we just can’t move on and leave things behind. We sacrifice our own being, our own happiness. We choose to compromise all these because we choose to stay, when we should really be moving on, moving forward.”

— Thought Catalog: If You’re Unhappy With Your Life, It’s Your Responsibility To Change It by Dian Tinio

Link to article

“If you’re unhappy with your job, quit. If you feel like, you’re no longer growing, no longer learning, if you’re no longer productive, if you’re only clocking in and out every single day – then move. If you’re constantly stressing over the fact that it drains you mentally, physically and emotionally, then move. If you’re thinking of just sticking with that job that never fails to suck your joy because it pays the bills and you might be “promoted” there and can call yourself “successful” and “happier” – NO. Your happiness does not depend on your success. Your success actually depends on your happiness. If you think there are new opportunities, new places, new things you can explore and will contribute to your soul and to your individual growth, then go there. If it’s worth your time thinking, then it’s worth trying. No one’s too old to try. Whether it ends good or bad, it’s still an experience. Let’s not forget that every experience teaches us a valuable lesson that we might never learn if we choose otherwise.”

I feel that I am more than what I do now. Almost nine years of nonstop working and dramas being tolerated over the years, I’ve reached this point when I’m full of it already. I’m tired of doing same things. I’m tired of complying. I’m tired of being stuck in this loophole with no assurance of a great future. My life should begin now and I’ve dedicated almost nine years of my life to a place that I must say had mold me to be a better leader. I’ve been resilient enough to face the challenges but standing still is not enough when you know for a fact that you are born to do wonders.

I kept on looking back and I am too afraid to jump into a new career path. I’ve been playing safe because I fear to fail again knowing my finances will be jeopardize. I am not depressed and wants to kill myself just because my life is a complete mess, in fact I want to LIVE. I feel that I need to revamp my life but the big question there is where and when to start?

I know I need to make things happen now… But how?

personal

Day 9: Defeat and What You Did Next

I found my self rehashing some events wherein I felt so defeated. Numerous fails and almosts in all aspects of my life and I don’t know why I’m still here. I call it set backs, a short detour prior to my best destination. There are times when I persevered so much and ended up failing… Maybe I just didn’t try hard enough.

The most unforgettable defeat moment I’ve experienced is losing the chance to graduate with honors in graduate school. I know I’m a little bit of a slacker compared to who I was in college but I know I did my part. I almost failed my managerial accounting class because of a cheating case that screwed a lot of folks — including me. It was terrible knowing that I am not that kind of person. It got resolved and we’re able to graduate. What saddens me though is when you try so hard to make things right and succeed, a setback is always in place. Not that I’m new to it, in fact I’ve been so used to this right now that I became numb when things don’t go my way.

I guess time plays a part here. At first you’ll feel myriad of emotions and from Okay to not Okay feels you’ll just find yourself happy again despite on what have happened. I see every defeat as a chance for me to do better or simply move forward because what else can I do. We can’t hold grudges forever as it ruins you instead of helping you. It’s not easy to accept defeat all the time but accept it eventually in time and just go through life and experience new adventures or another set of challenges bound to ruin your positivity in life.

Just. Keep. GOING.

It’s not the first time I’ve experienced failure. I’ve got a lot I tell you and even now it never stopped. I always encounter a lot of work frustrations that sometimes I’m about to give up. I even question my own leadership and intellect on why others can move their teams up while I’m plainly having a mediocre attainment. Maybe I’ve been mediocre whole life or maybe I’m just to proud of myself that I expect too much on everyone and too much for myself. It’s a journey still to accept defeat, to plan what’s next and to find your niche. Sometimes it is not working because it might not meant to work in the first place. We are all sucker for success but what if we are not destined to be successful at your corporate job but is bound to be in our passion. Who knows? We should not stop ourself from taking risks just because it didn’t go our way in the first place. We should keep going until we get used to the feeling of failing and still celebrate milestones achieved.

Don’t let your self doubt hinder your way to a better and productive future. All we need is to be self aware and make use of our strengths in our own advantage. It’s always a good battle regardless of the results if you did all you can to win. Life is not about winning, it’s about learning and experiencing — a realization I had after 28 years. I’ve been better in dealing with this now compared to years ago when I threw fits and hated God for not giving me what I want and what I think I deserved.

personal

Day 3: What Annoys Me

I missed to blog about Day 3 last Wednesday because I’m out of town and been so busy prepping for our team building. Signal sucks so I just enjoyed life away from the internet. I know I’ve got a challenge to face so no worries I’ll make sure that I’ll have 30 blog posts or more before the challenge ends and I definitely mean it.

Lately I’ve been listening to Wake Up with Jim and Saab, totally hooked into it because they’re such a cool couple. How they treat each other reminds me of my relationship with my love, John Paul. On day 3 of this blogging challenge, I want to simply blab and share what annoys me on a regular basis. This is pretty much interesting. In no particular order…

  • Loud and boisterous people – I hate people who are too loud and are attention-seekers. I am annoyed by how they try so hard to be noticed which I don’t give a damn on a normal day. Hearing those attention seekers piss me off big time. I just hate being around them because I’ve got the tendency to roll my eyes.
  • Hypocrites – those who acts nice but a total bitch. Sad to say they can sometimes be acquaintances, colleagues or worst, your friend. I can’t stand being with them because they are the best pretenders. They can also play victim and make you the bad person. Ugh.
  • Slow internet connection – oh yeah, who likes slow internet nowadays?
  • Stupid questions – I am sorry if I tend to be sarcastic sometimes in answering stupid and lame questions wherein the answers are obvious. It’s so annoying when they ask questions when the answer was already stated in an email, a resource tool or discussed already.
  • Traffic – being caught in a traffic jam while you’re excited to go home or in a hurry to go to work sucks. I’ve been caught up in a traffic once this year and that 30-40 minute travel home ended up 3 hours. I swear I was about to lose my sanity. My feet and hands were so tired plus my mind is so exhausted trying to keep the patience intact.
  • Late – I hate waiting that is why I prefer to be late sometimes. It annoys me when I get to wait for too long may it be a person, an event or a flight.
  • Know It Alls – The arrogance and the confidence they exude make me sick. Those people just get into my nerves and I already killed them in my mind. It’s like cursing silently while smirking at them when they try to show off their not so intelligent opinions about current affairs. F*ck off!
  • Clay Go – I don’t get it why some folks don’t clean as they go when there’s a huge signage in front of them stating to CLEAN AS YOU GO. Are you stupid or something? To add, those people who can’t shoot their trash in the nearest garbage bins and those who just throw their garbage anywhere they want to. I apologize if I’m too anal about this but it just pisses me off.
  • Humidity – I hate feeling sticky because it bothers me big time. I cannot focus because all I want during that moment is a long shower.
  • Alarm – well yeah, my alarm clock annoys me because I want to sleep as much as I want to and not be forced to wake up because I got to work. The alarm that won’t stop ringing because some folks forced open the door drives me nuts.

It ain’t over though as I have a lot of pet peeves I missed to share on this post but it’ll just bore you. Thanks for reading!

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Dreadful Thoughts.

I found myself alone inside a fast food restaurant shoving fries in my mouth while watching the raindrops slowly dripping on the crystal glass. Too many words in my mind and I’m ready to write again about my feelings for tonight.

The thoughts did not stop instead it kept on going and going until I got exhausted and drove myself home. I felt my heart suddenly sank and the emotions then again drowned me. I prayed too loud to the point of begging God, not now — not this year. I can’t imagine my life without meaning. I don’t know how I’ll survived without my mom. I know she’s getting older and weaker and God knows that she’s been through a lot in this lifetime. All I want is more time.

Last March 7 my mom celebrated her birthday and told me it might be her last. I don’t know how to respond except that I smiled and told her that she’ll still be with us until 100. I know this conversation will come and reality tells me I don’t have much time. People and family members would always say that she’s alive because of me and all that she’s waiting is for me to settle down and have a family of my own. My heart breaks whenever I hear those words not because I’m pressured but because I feel that even it’s about time she chooses to stay for me. God knows how much I love her and she’s the only reason why I keep going. Every day the thought of losing her haunts me. I cannot exist without her. I just can’t.

I’m trying to sort my plans especially when she’s gone and I’m still single. I’ll probably find a job abroad and live on my own or stay and feel the loneliness of a barren house. I might go back to my old ways of going home intoxicated just temporarily forget the sadness I feel. The pain is ripping my heart and my mind is in great chaos — imagining that kind of pain is torturous to the soul.

My reality tells me that I’m hoping too much in this world. I still have a lot of hope and a lot of faith. I recalled how I survived my past challenges by escaping with people who understands me, who are crazier and sad but sees hope by looking forward of every fun weekend. It’s the story behind each bottle that floods the chaos of our soul. It’s the fun memories you make out of a drunken night that make you forget the cruelness life has to offer. It’s the bad decisions turned into a funny memory. No matter how reality surely bites, the pain didn’t last for long as long as you’re in good company. Maybe I’ll do it again just to regain the temporary happiness when all the hope is gone.

Today, I fear what tomorrow beholds. I fear that I will lose it all — my reason to exist. Maybe I wanted to get married and have a family of my own. Maybe I don’t. Maybe I’ll find someone who’ll choose me over and over again and build a family. Maybe I’ll wait for more years. Maybe I’ll get tired and keep on escaping until I get exhausted. All the maybes, all the what ifs and no certainty on what’s next.

My manager told me to let go, let go of everything including my mom. Maybe it’s about time for me to tell her that even without her I’ll survive knowing I have a job and boyfriend already that will care for me when she’s gone. Honestly, I just can’t let go. My job is not stable and I don’t want to be a burden to the boy I love. I can’t let go of the reason why I choose to exist no matter how badly I wanted to die. I have millions of reasons to no longer exist and few to live. I’m tired of this crappy world but I choose to keep going for my mom.

Suddenly it made sense to me why my mother always tell me to bear a child before she goes. Maybe she feels that with a child I’ll find meaning again, a better reason to exist and to not die out of depression. My mom knows and feels she’s the reason I am not giving up.

I kept on talking fervently to God on my way home begging for more years until I’m settled, until I find meaning in life again. Today makes sense because of my mother and even how much love I can give to other people, they are all dispensable but not our parents especially our mother who sacrificed her life for us, who carry us in their wombs and who gave us unconditional love. No one can be in her shoes.

My heart crushes whenever the thought resides in my mind. I can’t, I just can’t live without her. Again, I begged to give five to ten years of my life in exchange for more years with my mom. It’s my Simala prayer… more years. More Years. I love her so much and I just can’t live without her… not now please, not this year.

love, Uncategorized

About Us

I remembered praying for love, a kind of love that would destroy the walls I’ve built for years. You came — you slowly walked into the walls I’ve made, tried to touch it and it melted my uncertainties. Maybe I’m inlove with you way back or maybe I’m not but what is certain is that I want you in my life as a friend. Until this day, you reminded me how beautiful life can be.

I honestly forgot how our friendship started, probably just a simple message turned into daily talk about work and life. It was a series of messages turned into long calls of stories being shared that turned out to be my blog inspiration. We eat and talk most of the time. I got hooked to the daily thing that it was hard to be taken away from my routine — our routine.

I don’t trust people that much but talking to you was a breeze. I wrote blogs and poetry with you in my mind — there were hopes, there were pain, there were love yet unrealized that time.

Hearing you broke up with your ex was actually a rollercoaster of feelings that piled up. I wanted to breathe further as I’m being drowned by my thoughts. I know I’m mad with what she has done yet in my heart there was too much care for you – that kind of care that scares you because you know it’s not right. I called several times just to check if you’re fine. I wanted to be there for you whenever you hated the world. I wanted to comfort you. All I wanted was for you to be okay all the time, to be happy.

You are an amazing person, BTW.

You push me to my limits, dared me to try a different approach when things don’t work out the way I planned it to be.

I must admit that not all days with you are perfect. There are times we argue due to opposing views and oftentimes my point and yours are being misunderstood by the other. I know that it is frustrating. We are our at wits end sometimes. I hope we’ll never give up in trying to understand, I’m glad we spend our time talking and listening after arguing. Listening is vital — beyond words, actions and facial expressions.

There are days when I don’t get your humor while mine is so shallow for you to bear. I admit that you’re street smart in a lot of ways compared to me. What I know is pretty much basic compared to how you see life.

It annoys me when you’re being bossy and raising your voice to stress out points sometimes. I know I’m not perfect and I tend to raise my voice too especially when I’m frustrated. I know you cared that’s why you comment on my driving skills. I hate that you are not into travelling but thanks for trying to be with me most of the time. I hate that I can’t order shrimp pasta because I can’t share it with you and you know how much I love sharing my favourite food and places to you. I hate that you don’t like salads and veggies for the reason I stated earlier. I hate it but you know I still love you.

Our mood sometimes ruin our perfect moment and I’m being too dramatic in dealing with life sometimes that it irks you because life is actually simple supposed to be. I apologize for being wired this way sometimes, emotional and idealistic.

There are too many indifferences that both of us questioned how long both of us will last when we always end up frustrated with each other. Hmmmmmnnnn…

I guess it’s too early to tell because we are both adjusting and accepting. You can’t be changed and I can’t be changed. We are who we are and it’s lovely. No one captured my heart the way you did it. You slowly picked up my broken pieces, tried to patch it all up and made those pieces whole again. The wounds reminded me how strong I am all these years and it’s worth another try especially that it’s you.

We are both smart people who came from different social and family backgrounds. There’s a huge difference in how we see life and it’s beautiful to learn from each other.

The optimist meets the pessimist.

The ambivert and the introvert.

The idealist and the realist.

John Paul, I love you for being you.

I love you because you care for me and that you love me despite my flaws. I love you so much that it scares me sometimes. I’m in love right now to the point that I can’t imagine my life without you. I hate to go back to those days I’m nursing a broken heart and hates cupid to the nth level. I don’t want to go back to those days that I cry for not being that girl who is worth the words. I hate to be alone. Even if my solitude brings peace, life is better if being shared with the one you love the most.

I miss my old self — less stress, always smiling and cheerful. People always comment that my laughter is contagious. What I’ve become? Despite how I’ve changed because of work, you were there. You still look at me with that crazy smile sometimes, I always catch you by the way and it keeps the butterflies in my stomach alive.

I will be here for you babe, to not cheat on my feelings and to you. I want to have more adventures. I want to spend time with you. I want to hear your thoughts on how your day went and I want to be your partner in playing Rules of Survival.

I hope that you’re the one God sent because I prayed too hard for this moment to come in my life. I’m glad you came and I hope it’s for good.

Finally, a blog post dedicated for you my love. You’ve made a significant mark in my life to move me to write about you…about us. More to come for the years to come — hopefully.

Sorry for being stubborn and thanks for being my sunshine, for keeping me happy when my skies are gray and I hope that God won’t take my sunshine away( insert Moira’s song here).

I love you, always. 😊

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8PM Monologues.

Like cold press paper with watercolors on it, the sun suddenly melted leaving a beautiful sky for me to awe. Another crimson sight and I found my heart felt full.

It seems that this past weeks I’ve been too busy and things were happening so fast I cannot even remember the last time I took time to hold my pen and scribble my short term goals for the year. It seems I’ve been chasing a lot of things leaving me emotionally unavailable, stressed and tired all the time. Sorting emotions can be draining so I usually chose to be silent and respond to what I have for the moment. I left some beneficial to my soul stuff unattended and focus more on my stressors. Am I idealistic? Perhaps yes, perhaps no.

Come to think of it, I know how to define what’s real and what’s not. How harsh my reality bites versus my faith in this world. I am in between two extremes and I personally don’t know why I sometimes admit that I’m an idealist when in fact I’m not. I am just the hopeful one, hoping that there’s romance in all things that’s been happening in our lives despite the reality that it sucks.

I feel secured after I pray, it’s like giving the divine being the power to control my life and all I need to do is to respond and be prepared to handle the worst.

Life suddenly reminded me of how short it is. It reminded me to make the most out of my existence — again. One afternoon I drove outside the city and saw a motorcycle accident. I even caught myself into one after revving the engine to overtake a motorcycle. Inside my car I felt the fear of possibly dying one day and that any wrong move can actually be fatal. I tried so hard to concentrate but it brings me back to thoughts about living, what have I done in this world… my death most probably just like the rest is nothing special.

When I have no more control on circumstances, I let luck and destiny play their role or maybe let God deals with his plan rather than insisting mine. All I need to do is sit and accept. I almost lost my boyfriend weeks ago wherein fear consumed me and it’s a crippling feeling not knowing what to do and paranoia keeps on teasing my mind. I took a moment to pray and just let things be. I didn’t ask God to save him… I asked God to remind him that a divine being exist. Angels and grim reaper may be waiting just around the corner but there’s this writer I duly respect, the writer of our lives… the one that we don’t see yet we know he exist. He knows better than us so trust they say, and I just submit to his will.

I felt the calmness.

****************************************

Haven’t posted this one and edited some stuff. Today, I just don’t feel anything exciting about my life at all. I’m tired and just want to take a break. I’m sad and badly miss my dad and Tito Edsel. I miss my old self, drunk and carefree. I miss being drowned into techno music and go home at 6am in the morning.

Adulthood sucks.

I miss being young with no responsibilities. I probably miss being passionate to the things I do. I guess I’ve lose my interest to pursue my career and just sit and watch the sunset.

I need a break.

personal, Uncategorized

Have I Gone Mad? 

I’ve written too much these past few years and my blog posts showcase my thoughts on a gloomy day. It’s a series of rants, unspoken words and poetry that reveals a not so typical piece of me. Words are my refuge in times when my heart is full of rage, despair, happiness and loneliness. What I’ve written all these years are my emotions waiting to be judge by the public who does not know the real me. I wear my heart on my sleeve perfectly in each piece of literary mayhem. It conveys emotions that are cryptic to some yet true friends know what I exactly mean. Well, people have their own opinions and I’ve lived past their scrutiny. 

I have known myself from all its recesses and how my emotions can fluctuate from time to time. I’m a reservoir waiting to be filled by memories and circumstances — sometimes shines, sometimes covered with darkness. 

I know how to tame my inner beast during the peak of my emotions as it eats my sanity away. I growl for respect and revenge is always sweeter if achieved. I am a monster when in rage and it’s hard to tame myself when justice ain’t sought. 

Looking myself in the mirror again, I’ve grown fast. The loneliness in my eyes were replaced by hope and the faith within have been stronger. I’ve overcome life’s worst and here I am standing still, brushing off the dusts from yesteryears battle. Another montage of past events on repeat, I’ve sorted it based on how I’ve successfully handled it. Not all emotions were retrieved but the memories were so clear. Where did the old me go? The one who sulks in one corner; the one who cried herself to sleep slowly losing hope in this world; the one who held the gun wanting to shoot herself; the one who travelled to find herself; the one who gave up on love just because she felt that she’s unworthy; the one who created her own euphoria by writing poetry; and the hopeless romantic. 

I touched myself trying to feel it’s realness. I am alive. I know people have judged me for what I’ve wrote, for what I’ve act and for the decisions I made. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I always put my faith to test this humanity. My heart wanted to let people see how I’ve seen it. I wanted to negotiate and make both ends meet no matter how hard it is. I’ve wanted to explain to people who got hurt by my words and actions to let them understand. I wanted peace and happiness but I realized that not all people see life the way I see it. 

Yes, I am innocent sometimes. The patience I extend are oftentimes abused. The niceness I project is always being challenged by circumstances. Some people provoke my own demons and they summon my own beast, the beast I’m trying to kill for quite some time. This beast is egocentric and hates injustice. It wanted to give detractors a taste of their own medicine. It symbolizes strength, power and evilness of my soul. It humbly waits for its prey who trespasses the danger zone. It is hard to tame sometimes but has been tamed all the time. 

I have been better all these years — such an honor and uplifts thy soul. 

The anger in my heart have been constantly healed by love and appreciation. I pray to God for patience and wisdom to understand and respond to situations in a manner that I won’t regret. I need to be better, I remind myself all the time. You can’t buy class, you exhibit it. People like me may think of ways to seek revenge but I believe karma has its own way of dealing with our lives. If you know you did not do anything wrong, you can sleep well at night. Wish people well instead.

I pray for peace and trust. I pray for a life I deserve. I pray for patience and love. I pray for forgiveness to those who’ve talked behind me, judged me and for those who’ve said nasty words. I know there will be no peace in my heart if I keep on looking back to those days where I got hurt. To keep going is harder than before if I let my useless emotional baggages drag me. I’ve been assured and that’s what I’ve trying to hold on right now. Until that day comes along, I’ll keep going and I’ll choose to be better. 

personal, Uncategorized

2017 Is A Good Year After All. 

And so I stop being so excited for the new year. I watched the second hand as it moves swiftly, here goes another wasted second.

2017 I must say is a year of new beginnings and remarkable memories. I waved goodbye to my quarter life crisis drama and depression is just another battle I kept on winning. Too many sullen episodes last 2017 but I survived. I’m glad I did. I’m glad I was able to keep going despite the toxicities of my mind. I’m glad I am here today drafting my year end post.

Life has never been easy for idealists like me for they see things way differently and they ended up most of the time frustrated.

It was a year where I travelled alone or with friends. I went to places that is new to me. Places that are not even that  famous yet gave me a lifetime experience I’ll never forget. Those experiences made me better as a person and gave me the chance to appreciate  life’s simple pleasures.

I’ve let go and opened my heart to new possibilities. Another year ended and this time I knew I emerged as someone who became better as time passes by. I aged gracefully and now somewhat mature in dealing with life. It has been a wonderful journey despite the set backs, great falls and frustrations. I should not be afraid of what’s in store. I know life is not all about good things and that I should prepare myself to deal with the storms and losing some battles. I know there will another episodes of melancholia. There will be days that I want to just stay in my room an cry but there will also be days that you’ll be grateful that you’re alive. I am happy because I met people who kept me sane this 2017 and that made me feel that it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to be not perfect. It’s okay to be full of flaws because they’ve accepted me for who I am — depressed and crazy.

They’ve been the funniest travel buddies I’ve been and I’m definitely looking forward to our next adventures.

And to Paul who never ceased to believe in my potentials, thank you. Thanks for being my best friend and shoulder to lean on during the times when I hated the world. Who would have thought that our friendship turned into something else? Despite all the dramas, I’m thankful that you came and that you didn’t give up on me. Thanks for being there always. I love you so much and I cannot wait to make memories with you and the rest of our friends.

2017, I bid goodbye to all the pains I felt and will be forever thankful to the new achievements I’ve unlocked both financially and emotionally. Work has been fine — challenging and tolerable. I hope I’ll be able to spend more time to what matters most than engage myself with stress that affects my being. I may need more time to unwind.

To 2018, I don’t expect much from you but let God’s will be done in my life. I’ll hold on to my faith that no matter what’s in store for me this year, I’ll be forever grateful for a life that I should start loving and living. I still wish for good health to the people I love and may we still have more time to make beautiful memories. 😊

God bless us all. Cheers to another year and may we enjoy another 365 days ride to 2019. Welcome aboard to flight 2018.  ❤

personal

28 Life Realizations 

Honestly I’m out of words in writing my thoughts today but I need to whack my brain cells because this is not supposed to be an ordinary day for me. 

And so I’ve turned 28 today and geez I am such an oldie. Anyways, another year has been added and to celebrate my life I will write about my realizations and I hope you don’t get bored along the way because this might be one of my longest blog post. 

Let’s get started…

1. Life never cease to surprise me and this year has been crazy. There were dark days spent inside my room sulking and watching ceilings not knowing where to start over with my feelings. I tend to overthink most of the time — a trait I’m working on right now for me to be happy. I’ve learned that thinking of the future too much and possible worst case scenarios can ruin your happiness so I’ve decided to free myself from toxicities of my mind and live the “live NOW” mindset.


2. Take the craziest risks a mad person can think of as it can give you a life changing experience that you’ve never thought of. Planning a spontaneous trip alone to Manila and Masbate has been a highlight for all my travel solo escapades.  Know more about it here: https://chillerspot.wordpress.com/2017/03/25/never-have-i-ever/?preview=true

3. I realized alcohol surely never solve any problems but with great friends you’ll surely get a good hang of your sanity. Drink responsibly and learn from the wisdom of drunk people.

4. Gym selfies do not make me feel better but boxing and exercising does. When I hate how my day turns out it feels better to sweat it out.

5. I always dreamed of having a car I can call my own. I realized that if I don’t make my dream a reality nothing will actually happen so I took the risk and start being an adult with financial responsibility. This goes to my credit cards too. Whew. 

6. Never stop thanking God for the realization of our dreams and for all the challenges you faced because you are better after all of it. God answers prayers in the most craziest way and you should be thankful all the time. Have faith in him and you’ll be fine. 

7. Build a character that inspires people, build yourself to be indestructible. I realized that all these years and experiences paved way for me to become a better version of myself. I am glad of the person I turned out to be. I am secure of myself and I don’t care much about other people’s opinions towards me except of it is a constructive feedback meant for me to be better.

8. Spend your time with friends that are true and valuable. People who brings out the best in you and gives you hope to move forward each day. These are people that you can rely on during the times that you will fall and they’ll never leave you when life gets too rough and too tough. I’m missing some folks in the pictures but you know who you guys are. 

9. I realized that life is too short to drink crappy coffee. You deserve the best coffee if you want to be happy while alone and daydreaming. 

10. In this life, our faith in humanity will be tested. Our beliefs with soon change as circumstances unfold in time. Develop a critical mind and a heart that never falters in seeing only the best in other people. Be kind, always be kind to others regardless of age, gender and religion. 

11.  Stop spending too much time in your work station and indulge in your tasks. I realized that I need my own sanity break to be effective in what I do. I need to free my mind from all the deadlines, compliances, metrics and subordinates in order for me to calibrate my EQ and IQ. 

12. Do not forget to treat yourself for all the hard work and for surpassing each challenges victoriously. Always remind yourself that you are bigger than your problems. Eating is my favourite way of rewarding myself. Nom. Nom. Nom. 

13. I realized it’s not too late for me to try my luck especially on dreams that I’ve let go already. I wanted to be a lawyer back in college until I gave up on pursuing that dream but it’s not too late I guess to rethink my options. I took the Philippine Law school aptitude test and gladly I made it. I’m still surprised and still thinking if I’ll take up law school next school year or not. 

14.  I realized that life is all about timing and perfect moments. You don’t need to feel so disappointed if the things you wanted for yourself didn’t exactly happen when you wanted it so badly. Trust the process and never doubt God’s way of revealing his plan for your life. In God’s perfect time as they say. 

15. It is Okay to fail because not all things in life is being granted. It is how you survived after you fail that matters. I’ve got unrealised dreams which frustrated me but then it hit me one day that maybe where I am right now is exactly where I need to be in God’s plans. I should not doubt or even hate the world instead I should be positive. I’ll be patient and persistent… Always. 

16. I realized that it’s okay to spend your hours doing nothing at all and let time pass by without the pressure of doing anything. We tend to be so into something and make sure our hours are not wasted but it drains our soul. We need to pause for a while and savor the minutes of our precious life. 

17. I realized that you don’t need to force people in your life or try to be someone that people likes. Life is good if you accept who are and let those people who loves you love the real you even if you look like an alien. 

18. It’s Okay to open up with friends about how fucked up your life can be and how to deal with depression when you no longer know what to do except killing yourself. It is Okay to share your thoughts to people who listen and remind you of how great you are — these are the best people to keep. They give you the sanity you need during your darkest days. It’s Okay to be with people who understands you all the time when you’re not in your right state of mind. 

Love your boss, colleagues and your subordinates because you face the same stress everyday. 

19. Life is short. We are all passing through so make the most of our time here. Start living and loving your existence. Wake up from your doubts and fears.

20. I realized that dogs love you more than themselves. 

21. It’s best to spend time with your parents while they are with us. We tend to forget that as we grow older they too are getting older and weaker. My mom is no longer the symbol of strength and greatness but in her prime no one is as amazing as her. 

22. Spend more time travelling and creating memories whether alone or with friends. 

23. Be a kid once in a while and reminisce your childhood memories. It’s ok to loosen up and take a time out from adulting. 

24. Life’s full of magical moments. Always open your heart and mind. 

25. My pens make me soooooo happy all the time. I am growing my collection and I’m so in love with them. 

26. Querkling and poetry is my instant pick me upper when I’m starting to get too burnt out with life. 

27. It’s when you started to give up everything then all of a sudden life surprises you with the craziest twist. I remembered writing earlier this year about love and how I stopped believing that my stomach butterflies will be resurrected from its death. Today is a little different, a little hopeful and a little positive. Be open and be honest to what you feel all the freakin’time no matter how awkward it may sound. 

28. I realized that maybe it’s about time to let myself love again… a love that has been awakened by someone whom I didn’t expect but did all his best to make me happy. You are God’s gift to me because whenever I am with you I feel a little different. I feel more human capable of loving and caring. I can be myself without the fear of not being accepted nor judged.  I hope that this will grow into something better and probably last for a lifetime. I am excited for this new chapter of my life, all the new yet right feels. 

Today is something special for me and for all the people who spent their time just to greet me, THANK YOU!  Cheers to more awesome years and more realizations to come. Thanks for everyone who became part of my life. Thanks for sticking around! I am finally 28 and I’m still awesome! (HAHAHAHA)  😊

Uncategorized

Friday Morning Solitude.

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He was the thought behind unfinished sentences and discarded blog posts. I write several sentences until my eyes swell and a lump in my throat bothers me. I hit the discard post over save and look at the screen of my phone like a kid deprived of her favorite chocolates. I pray this feeling ends soon because it kills me. It’s like waiting for a moment that you know will never happen but you keep on waiting. You keep on believing that you are awesome and that he should see that like how others see you. You believe that you’re smart, you’re nice and you’re the best he could have. You know you’re worth the words so you choose to wait until he realize that you are the answered prayer. You are his the one.

It was always a battle between justifying my feelings when I know it’ll never be justified at all. I tried to let go countless times but I’m still here stuck with a realization that I’ll never be at peace. I keep on cutting the weeds that suffocate me trying to free myself from his entirety but I can’t. I just can’t.

I look at my phone several times waiting for his text just like how it was before. I keep on wishing nothing actually changed but it changes as months pass by. There’s awkwardness and sadness because the person you thought will never leave you sees you as an option and no longer the priority. Suddenly I keep on asking myself if I’m indeed an asshole. I started to question my worth. I started to doubt myself, started to feel that I’m not enough, started to feel so small in his world. I decided to step back and the loneliness is haunting. I trusted him, told him everything about my life and now I felt that I shared too much of me to someone who does not want to be with me anymore. He’s already keeping a part of himself from me and that makes me actually feel like I can no longer be the person anyone can trust.

I wish to be saved by someone else’s smile and courage to blurt out those words that will awake me from my nightmares and daydreams. I know how hard I prayed to God that I’ll find someone who matches my kind of crazy. He should be honest enough to tell me that I complement his personality. Someone who’ll make me realize that I’m waiting for someone who does not value me because I’m not rich, I’m not beautiful and I’m not smart enough. I’m in limbo of emotions and it’s killing me.

Here’s to my own tragedy… untold, half-written and full of unnecessary pain.