life

How it has been so far?

I wanted to control my urge to write but I guess some feelings need to be vent out again for me to feel a little better.

I cut my hair recently.

I unfollowed my ex-friend in Tumblr.

I stopped caring.

Life was a bit simpler this past week and I can say I am back to my old sarcastic and half-witty self. I can now manage to see him without the desire to strangle him and scream what is wrong but I am actually still have my mood swings once in a while. I am still taming my monster side. Just when I thought I am able to manage my anger very well… oh yeah, I am back to square one. I am still my old self. 😲

I hate being mad because things become disastrous. I cannot stop myself from yelling or screaming or I have no idea what I can actually do. I actually prefer to cry instead of throwing something towards that person. I also walk away before I can hurt anyone. Anger does more harm than good.

I must admit I miss him but I am still wondering on the root cause of the sudden change in behavior. I have theories in mind but it won’t lead me into a concrete reason why he became indifferent. I asked myself, is it something I said? The text? What? I won’t assume that he loves me and plainly being confused or assume that he hates me because we are able to text each other after. He knows how I hate bullshit stuff and what he’s doing to me is actually bullshit at its finest. I can deal with the harsh truth than be stuck in a limbo of assumptions.

I was fighting for my feelings. I am shrugging it off because I fear rejection and commitment. I fear the pain that love brings. I fear too much attachment only to realized I lured myself into my own grave. I brought my fears into life and I am battling it right now. He was not my ideal guy but he complimented my brains and made me trust someone completely which rarely happens by the way. I got trust issues but with him I can be my ugly wasted self without caring what he might think of me. I am now writing this part with a heavy heart because I miss my bestfriend. I miss the random talks, foodtrips and laughtrips. It is so hard to be alright and accept that our friendship ended with a big question mark.

My pride tells me to stop reaching out and let things happen as they are meant to happen. I stopped chasing for answers and instead set a stupid timeline. I give you the space you wanted. I realized that I can actually survive without you. You know that feeling when you wanted to share a story and you are the first one who comes into my mind? I wanted to share it to you then we will laugh and forget about the stress we feel at work. I badly control myself not to ping you because my pride tells me that if you want to really talk to me you could have pinged me already weeks ago but you did not. You choose not to and I choose to let go.

I just think it is still unfair of you not telling me though. I guess I am not even worth an explanation.

I shrugged off my feelings because I still cling into that idea that maybe I will find someone who is as hot like Doug Kramer, as smart as Marc Nelson, as God-fearing as Paul Soriano, as cool as Drew Arellano, as handsome as Marlon Stockinger and as amazing as my father. I got this high standards when it comes to relationship only to realize that I have been shrugging my feelings for someone who is not even close to my ideals but complimented me in ways I can no longer explain. You are indeed my greatest nightmare dressed like a daydream. You are so much to take in. I wanted a man but I got a 30-year old boy who still does not know what he really wants in life. I know I deserve someone better as what our friends say but I still empathize with you. I fear your fears. I fear commitment. I fear being attached to you and be in an actual relationship because I am so afraid of your world. I do not know how to fit into it when I am the laidback type. I am low maintenance and the simple things can actually make me happy. I know our financial status is way different since I am the heir of my family’s financial problems. I grew up rich and suffered bankruptcy when I was 19. Life was never easy back then. I had my own issues to fix and my pride tells me that I need to be established first. I seek for a long term relationship. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone and not just enter into something half-baked. I prayed for that moment. I prayed hard.

We need to probably sort things out while we are sober and be honest about our fears and feelings. We cannot totally escape this by not talking and pretending one does not exist. I want to give the space you wanted before I totally confront you. This ain’t cool in dealing with life issues. I will never attain the peace I wanted with a hanging chapter in my life.

It’s still a blurry path to the unknown. Work exhausts me and I cannot help but displaced my anger to my supervisor who keeps on nagging us. I want to actually be blunt and just tell him that his ideas are sometimes stupid. I got raging hormones to deal with each day and I do not f*ckingly know how to be chill except of course if I choose to walk away and eat out at dawn alone. I need a break.

That’s it.

😤😥😧

Uncategorized

The Love Surge.

Tumblr

I don’t want to be geeky today except I decided to be a little cheesy before I start reviewing for my comprehensive exams. I know I am slacking off right now just because my thoughts are actually bothering me big time. Here’s what I’ve been up to for the past hour, thinking of finally quitting my job before the year ends to rediscover the world, to be who I wanted to be… as what I have always dream of except that in the deepest corners of my heart lies that truth, I just cannot go and leave my daily routine for a lot of reasons and that reason is… YOU.

I don’t want to write about you.

I don’t want the world to know about you.

But I can’t help it… you are the strongest force that is currently inside me,  you are whirling around in my mind like an insane typhoon daunting people and your magnitude is too high that my heart can be shattered into pieces. You are one strong force that actually changed the course of my life.

You are the best and can be the worst thing ever happened to me.

You.

You.

You and your craziness.

You and your weirdness.

You.

You make me write in reasons I actually don’t know.

You just make me write, make me rekindle back my old high school self who is inlove with sheer poetry.

You make me see things beautifully, always on a lighter note.

You don’t know how life changing you can be, you don’t know how an independent and free-spirited kid suddenly thrived into you. I don’t know what happened but this crazy force is totally gives me a certain high. You, my friend made me believe in love all over again. You made me start over again. You made me whole again after 12 years of not believing, of hoping, of hating… You and only  a crazy guy like you made me fix my shit and believe in forever once more.

I see a kid, young, lost and free in your eyes. I don’t know what is running in your mind when you look at me because I am a complete shit whose life I cannot even fix asap. I am running in circles, stuck in this world, contemplating about my life and simply not knowing where to start. I hope you learn to love this young girl who despite the challenges she is facing is still smiling. I hope you will see that this girl wants to have someone who will save her from her own wilderness, together they will save the world – they will save each other.

You.

I want you to be with me in this crazy life. Us, watching the sunset together arguing what food to eat. Us, running around like kids and finishing each other sentences. Us, believing in each other’s prowess and loving life like we used to. Together, we can be a great team. If you only know how much I love you. You know how I put  up all the walls  and be strong for all these years but you make me think twice most of the time. With you, I feel real, I can be myself comfortably except for those times when I am with your friends and I feel so awkward I prayed that the world will just eat me alive. You made me feel all the emotions I never felt before. You are the greatest if not the best feeling I have ever felt before.

Let me daydream for a while.

Let me believe that this is a great chance for me to be happy.

Let me believe that we have a future.

Let me hold on to this daydream before I decide to let go of the present and start my life all over again away from my daily routine… a fresh start, without the people I used to have in my life, without the work I have since graduation, without the life I choose to live.

Let me decide this time as wisely as possible… to hold on or to finally let go.

I want you to be the influential person who can change the course of my life

journal

A Letter To Someone Special

Hey you my favorite chill pill,

It’s been two great years of amazing friendship. First, I would like to say thank you for all the good times, the crazy shits we’re up to, the long talks we have shared and for being there when I need you. You weren’t the perfect best friend but I like the kind of friendship we have.

Unfortunately, I fell for you.

I’m now in this crazy shit I just can’t totally escape. You’ve been part of my system I can no longer take you out. You make me happy within a numbered of days especially during those times when I wanted to end my life. With you I’m happy that’s why I’ll always wanted to be with you. I am afraid that one day you’ll leave me and what will happen to me after that? I fear to be broken again because I don’t know if I can still handle such pain. I always say that I like my choices and you are one of them. My decision to fall for you is something I never regretted, it’s just that my fears are actually haunting me. What if you can never love me?  What if our own moments are just delusions?  What if what we have is solely meant for those nights wherein we are intoxicated and not intended for our sober days ? God knows I love you too much… too much that it scares the hell out of me right now. I cannot afford losing you in my life. Our simple infinity became too complex as days pass by.

I wanted to know the truth without sounding a little demanding here. I wanted to hear something from you… words that will make or break me. I hate bullshits. I hate sugar-coated stuffs, what I want to hear is the bare-naked truth.

Do you love me?

I want to know.

I want to know what’s going on your mind each time you look at me. My fear is slowly intoxicating my system. My fear of being hurt. My fear of commitment. My fear of being alone. My fear of giving it all. I love you but I’m a little afraid to tell you as I might not hear the words I wanted to hear. They say actions speak louder than words and what we have is something beautiful but I guess I’m getting tired of not knowing, not knowing if we do have a future or not. It sucks to fall for your best friend.

My feelings are driving me nuts and I do not know where to go about it. We can still be the same though but I don’t know until when I can hide this feelings that slowly tormenting me. I’ve been into too much pain before up to that point when we started hanging out and my friend was falling for you. I never knew that you’re the one she’s inlove with at first. You kissed her and it meant a lot to her. That was the time I felt something… the first moment I realized that I love you because I felt the burning pain of having my heart totally broken for the second time. I can feel my flesh ripping off… yes that kind of pain that makes you curl into your bed wishing you’ll never ever gonna wake up but you need to, you need to pretend that you’re fine and be happy because people expect you to be — life and its double standards.

Worst, I need to be a friend to the both of you.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work out between you two. You left her miserable. You, well you did save yourself from troubles and you saved her from a relationship that leads to the unknown. Who knows what will happen next because you didn’t dare to try?  I didn’t rejoice actually except that I tried to escape, tried to shut off my emotions but I just can’t.

I did try to stop my feelings. I tried my best but I’ve realized the stronger I fight, the stronger it gets. I felt so stupid because I tried still to be a good friend offering advice. Maybe because guilt is slowly daunting me but I didn’t do something bad or maybe breaking some crazy girl rule we got from Mean Girls “not to mess with your friend’s ex ” which I don’t really give too much damn. It’s a free world though. If it’s over, it’s over. I am slowly killing myself every moment I’m consoling her. At the end of the day, I need to be a friend.

I’ll take your side because I love you and we’ve been through a lot. You’ve been a good friend, someone I can totally trust and someone that inspires me every day.

Today is a little different. I too learned from you without you knowing. My love for you made me something way beyond my means. I never have thought I can confront my past. It’s so hard to go back to the years of pain, insecurities, confusion and mysteries. The difficulties of facing and finally talking about what went wrong. I’m glad I’ve found that courage to fix what I need to fix and start over again. I’ve closed that chapter of my life with a smile knowing that I’d forgiven myself and how my past had forgiven me too. It was one beautiful ending.

Today, my urged to wrote this letter came from various reasons primarily my raging hormones, my growing jealousy on this girl whom you’re currently hanging out and whom I didn’t know you invited too in your place and lastly for the sake of blogging what it needs to be blogged because I cannot contain what I feel and my thoughts are plainly too loud. I find her annoying because I don’t know where her sense of humor came from. She likes to talk for the sake of talking and her way of fun is too mimic you or insult you which I really find pathetic and childish purely a waste of time. They say you’re pretty but I don’t really have a concrete opinion on that maybe because I don’t find you pretty except for certain angles. Anyways who am I to judge her right?  I cannot dictate you to stop mingling with her knowing that you seem to be fond of her. Well, those facts I learn to accept.

I apologize for not being a hypocrite. I cannot be like before. I am no longer the martyr who’ll offer her hearty advice even if her own words are actually stabbing her to hell. I cannot afford to sit with you two pretending I don’t know what’s actually going on when my gut feel is really really strong. I apologize for being too observant. Maybe some of my hypotheses were wrong, maybe you’re just friends whatever. I cannot stand here and being with you two won’t do me well either. You see, you’re not my best friend anymore. I have feelings for you and if you don’t have feelings for me better yet let’s take some time off. You know how I can easily shut people off. I may be the cheerful and friendly kid you may know but I need to protect myself from the torments of this story. Our story.

I need to do what’s right for me even if hurts.

I rather be alone during lunch than be with you and her on the same table pretending to be great friends. I won’t let myself be lured into that kind of set up again. I’m sorry.

Always,

S C L