personal

The Saturation Point.

Definition of saturation point

: the point at which there are so many of a thing that no more can be added successfully

Thanks Merriam Webster for defining saturation point. It’s actually a term used in Chemistry when the substance has no more chance to absorb or dissolve. It has reached a point in its life when you’re already able to maximize what needs to be maximize and things are no longer that interesting unlike before. I guess I’ve reached my own life’s saturation point.

Today, I’ve got this desire to write what has been bothering me for the past months. I feel like I’m stuck in a loop where I’m trying to pretend that I’m fine when totally I’m not. It has been a constant struggle of not knowing what I really want in life. I feel that everyday for the past years I’m killing my self slowly for not taking risks in pursuing what my heart desires for the sake of practicality. I feel like I’m my own prisoner.

What moved me to write is this article I stumbled upon in Facebook and it made me cry. I’ve been crying a lot lately. I cried several times inside the car prior to going to work. I cried after I wake up because I knew that I’ll deal with another shitty day in the office. I cried on my way home hating the stress I feel in the office. I cried my way to sleep because I’m too frustrated with everything that is going on with my career life as it is starting to affect the other aspects of my life. It’s ruining my relationship to people. It changes my mood very quick and I can snap on simple questions being asked. I’ll deal with people who kept on repeating same mistakes after I coach them. People who tend to let their common sense die sometimes because “this job pays me right even if I don’t do it right”. I need to deal with the things I am no longer passionate about just because it pays my bills and feeds my family. It’s one of the most miserable feeling in the world; to get up, show up and do what is expected from you.

I’ve lost hours each day doing the mundane things which I no longer find value. I feel like I’m rotten inside with no more growth awaits me. I listen to motivational podcasts upon going to work to psych my mind but it all boils down to one thing, do whatever that makes you happy. I am not happy with where I am right now. You can’t settle for less when you know you can still max out yourself.

Going back to the article, I must say it was definitely right. It’s like an article solely written for me at this point of my life.

“We are so terrified by the idea of moving on, because we feel like we just can’t move on and leave things behind. We sacrifice our own being, our own happiness. We choose to compromise all these because we choose to stay, when we should really be moving on, moving forward.”

— Thought Catalog: If You’re Unhappy With Your Life, It’s Your Responsibility To Change It by Dian Tinio

Link to article

“If you’re unhappy with your job, quit. If you feel like, you’re no longer growing, no longer learning, if you’re no longer productive, if you’re only clocking in and out every single day – then move. If you’re constantly stressing over the fact that it drains you mentally, physically and emotionally, then move. If you’re thinking of just sticking with that job that never fails to suck your joy because it pays the bills and you might be “promoted” there and can call yourself “successful” and “happier” – NO. Your happiness does not depend on your success. Your success actually depends on your happiness. If you think there are new opportunities, new places, new things you can explore and will contribute to your soul and to your individual growth, then go there. If it’s worth your time thinking, then it’s worth trying. No one’s too old to try. Whether it ends good or bad, it’s still an experience. Let’s not forget that every experience teaches us a valuable lesson that we might never learn if we choose otherwise.”

I feel that I am more than what I do now. Almost nine years of nonstop working and dramas being tolerated over the years, I’ve reached this point when I’m full of it already. I’m tired of doing same things. I’m tired of complying. I’m tired of being stuck in this loophole with no assurance of a great future. My life should begin now and I’ve dedicated almost nine years of my life to a place that I must say had mold me to be a better leader. I’ve been resilient enough to face the challenges but standing still is not enough when you know for a fact that you are born to do wonders.

I kept on looking back and I am too afraid to jump into a new career path. I’ve been playing safe because I fear to fail again knowing my finances will be jeopardize. I am not depressed and wants to kill myself just because my life is a complete mess, in fact I want to LIVE. I feel that I need to revamp my life but the big question there is where and when to start?

I know I need to make things happen now… But how?

personal

Day 9: Defeat and What You Did Next

I found my self rehashing some events wherein I felt so defeated. Numerous fails and almosts in all aspects of my life and I don’t know why I’m still here. I call it set backs, a short detour prior to my best destination. There are times when I persevered so much and ended up failing… Maybe I just didn’t try hard enough.

The most unforgettable defeat moment I’ve experienced is losing the chance to graduate with honors in graduate school. I know I’m a little bit of a slacker compared to who I was in college but I know I did my part. I almost failed my managerial accounting class because of a cheating case that screwed a lot of folks — including me. It was terrible knowing that I am not that kind of person. It got resolved and we’re able to graduate. What saddens me though is when you try so hard to make things right and succeed, a setback is always in place. Not that I’m new to it, in fact I’ve been so used to this right now that I became numb when things don’t go my way.

I guess time plays a part here. At first you’ll feel myriad of emotions and from Okay to not Okay feels you’ll just find yourself happy again despite on what have happened. I see every defeat as a chance for me to do better or simply move forward because what else can I do. We can’t hold grudges forever as it ruins you instead of helping you. It’s not easy to accept defeat all the time but accept it eventually in time and just go through life and experience new adventures or another set of challenges bound to ruin your positivity in life.

Just. Keep. GOING.

It’s not the first time I’ve experienced failure. I’ve got a lot I tell you and even now it never stopped. I always encounter a lot of work frustrations that sometimes I’m about to give up. I even question my own leadership and intellect on why others can move their teams up while I’m plainly having a mediocre attainment. Maybe I’ve been mediocre whole life or maybe I’m just to proud of myself that I expect too much on everyone and too much for myself. It’s a journey still to accept defeat, to plan what’s next and to find your niche. Sometimes it is not working because it might not meant to work in the first place. We are all sucker for success but what if we are not destined to be successful at your corporate job but is bound to be in our passion. Who knows? We should not stop ourself from taking risks just because it didn’t go our way in the first place. We should keep going until we get used to the feeling of failing and still celebrate milestones achieved.

Don’t let your self doubt hinder your way to a better and productive future. All we need is to be self aware and make use of our strengths in our own advantage. It’s always a good battle regardless of the results if you did all you can to win. Life is not about winning, it’s about learning and experiencing — a realization I had after 28 years. I’ve been better in dealing with this now compared to years ago when I threw fits and hated God for not giving me what I want and what I think I deserved.

personal

Day 7: On Tempers and Rages

Yes, you’re seeing a deliciously angry looking pizza.

Day 7 is not on the list of topics that I need to write about because I’m trying to customize it into something personal to me rather than follow a series of theme everyday.

To start off, temper means something neutralizing and rage is fury gone loose. On why I wanted to talk about it is that one, it’s interesting and relevant. Second, the pizza looks like me — nice in general but when triggered can turn into an evil bitch from Wakanda. Everyday we encounter circumstances or people that get into our nerves ( please read my other blog post about things that annoy me here: What Annoys Me ) yet we still discern our feelings and think as rational as possible. I throw fits and almost kill annoying people in my mind. I mean if I confront them from being annoying that would make me look like a fool. It’s so biased and inhumane for me to do so. Human as we are, we are accompanied by myriad of emotions everyday yet we were given the gift of reason to act wisely. Some may involved in serious problems just because they let their emotions take over their rationality. Pity those fools for they let their inner bitches took over their life and now they are stained.

Anyways, rage is dangerous. I would admit that I sometimes find myself acting stupid just because I’m furious. I started raging when I learned how to drive and being in the road requires not just mental alertness but tantamount of patience before you start shooting assholes. I mean, being caught in a traffic and having someone cutting you off while you safely drive can sometimes be infuriating. I had one instance wherein a motorcycle driver shoved his middle finger up high just because I slowed down to let kids cross and caught up in a very difficult situation because a passenger jeep just stopped in front of me. I got no better choice and he hated me for slowing down because he was driving so fast. I got mad I stepped on the pedal trying to rush over the traffic and just want to blow horns at him or probably squeeze his bird brain. I must say my inner bitch took over my sanity for 10 seconds and realized that my life is too precious for me to waste on stupid people. I must say I’m learning to control the evil in me and just let it go. I need 10 seconds of silence and a quick prayer to regain back my senses.

Frustrations and work stress also add up to my mood swings and getting a massage weekly to relax is so expensive but I’m still willing to pay for it just because I value my mental health. Regardless of all these feelings we feel, our mind should always overpower those raging emotions. Our temper can sometimes make or break us.

In case you feel aggravated by a situation, take a step back and breathe. Never let your tongue say anything you’ll regret, never do anything that can hurt others and never let other people’s anger become your anger.

I always remind myself that no matter what… Be the bigger person. 😇

personal

Day 6: Explain Your Current Relationship

On day 6 of this blogging challenge, I’ll share about my current relationship.

I’m no longer single and the dramas I wrote before is just part of history where I learned a lot and cringe upon every time I read about my ramblings. Life is different now knowing I got someone I can totally depend on. It’s not perfect I must say as we have different opinions on a lot of things that can sometimes cause us arguments or disagreements. Our personalities are almost the same in quite areas but mine is probably stronger but despite on me being hard-headed, I always find myself listening to him.

I like to see him smile and his smile can calm me from the stress and pain that I feel. I value the time he spent on me and just being there. I do sometimes wish he’s a guy full of surprises or the romantic one because I must say he is an ultimate fail in romance and sweet stuff.

He is my kind of happy now. I remembered when we’re just starting to get to know each other and I’ve got numerous list of doubts and how my mind fed me with all the negativities this relationship has… I was terrified to be hurt all over again because I don’t know if I can still make it especially with the other problems I got. My mind has been a hellish place to be and being caught up in confusion is just “deathrifying”. It was a rough start, an offroad course only those who trust most can survive and now we’re off to better roads. We can’t deny the roadblocks and detours our relationship may have but we’re both game to what adventure awaits us. As long as we put out trust in each other even if we travel on separate roads, our love will still lead us together. I hope so. We both have dreams we long to achieve and all we need is a strong motivation to keep going… to keep on doing the best that we can to achieve our heart’s desire. All the effort today is bound to a greater future.

I’m glad I gave him the chance to prove his worth. I’m glad that he never gave up on me despite my stubborness. Everything is totally new to me at first, texting or dropping messages of my whereabouts and quitting my weekend “walwal” sessions to survive each week’s routine. It feels better now compared to the days where I have my own self doubts and fears of getting old alone with no one to love me.

I pray that this will be a forever kind of love story and if not I hope I’ll keep on believing in love as much as I’ve believed in this relationship. All we need is love to be better… always.❤

Here’s a link of my previous blog post rehashing why I love this guy: About Us.

personal

Blogging Challenge Day 1: Share Where You See Yourself In 10 Years

It’s been a while since the last time I blogged my thoughts. Honestly, I tried hard to write, tried even harder to sum up my ideas and ended up in despair. It’s that time of the year again where I suffer from occasional writer’s block, a lame reason I made up to justify my laziness. I need to gather my thoughts and write something sensible or should I say personal just like what I’ve been doing for almost a decade here in WordPress.

Today I challenged myself to write again just because I want to do something special 30 days before I turn 29. Birthday blues are brewing within my system but work life keeps my mind too preoccupied that it has no time to be sad. I searched some topics online to somehow keep me alive in the field I am pretty much interested into and found some son called cure. I got this idea from Pinterest and I’m excited to start my own but I’ll somehow tweak it a bit. I won’t follow Katy’s suggestion on what needs to go first, I rather make up my own list and survive this one-month of cerebral journey.

Thanks to KatyWidrick.com

Day 1 is supposed to be a quick run through of my current relationship status but I don’t feel that topic to jump start this list of thoughts. I want to share more of myself and my goals for the next 10 years because by then I’ll be 38 and that’s pretty old. 👵

Dear God, I see myself as a materialistic asshole with this list I made and please forgive me as it is still a work in progress:

  1. Driving a pick-up or an SUV off-road somewhere with friends or family just because it’s weekend.
  2. Graduating with another post grad degree probably in Psychology or finishing Law School and be an attorney.
  3. Travelling to more places internationally… ( Singapore, Japan, Indonesia, Malaysia, Europe, Thailand, Hongkong, Taiwan and more…)
  4. Being with my love in Palawan, Siargao and Batanes as well as arguing on what stories we’ll start publishing and sorting out our ideas on what to do, where to go next
  5. Getting promoted at work and developing my skills or finally resigning to get a job that would enhance my skillset and make me work outside of my comfort zone. I am interested into strategic management and corporate planning but I also wanna go away from traditional and rigid way of implementing processes.
  6. Building a huge following in Instagram and engaging more people to appreciate poetry and photography. I might as well try spoken poetry.
  7. Publishing a coffee table book that includes my haikus and poems.
  8. Having a big birthday celebration for my mom and be with her most of the time. I just want her to always remember my name.
  9. Getting married and having 2-3 kids.
  10. Being financially free and live a comfortable life.

The list goes on as time passes by but I want to go back to this post one day to check if I was able to work on my plans. I even sent a copy of this to myself via FutureMe.org to review after a decade.

It’s refreshing to feel a little bit of pressure after a long time. I never wanted to force myself to write but I got to, I need to. Coming up with this post is nerve wracking but I’m glad I was able to finish this with a joy in my heart. This is just the start of something new.

Thanks for visiting! 💓

inspirational, life, personal

Only You Can Save Yourself.

People like me is pretty much hard to understand and I won’t deny that. It’s not easy to make me talk unless I am very comfortable with you. I am not the loudest person in the room for I am associated as the quiet one, the one who simply observes and most of the time is on day dreaming mode.

I am not surprised if people would name me names or hate me. Honestly, I don’t give a damn. At this point of my life, I stopped caring on what others would actually say about me. Say whatever you want to say it’s a free world. Opinions do matter if you let it matter. If it’s not essential for your growth then trash it — seriously.

I know who I am (and still evolving, still self discovering).

Time taught me to choose battles that are worth fighting. If it won’t matter 365 days from now then why bother spending 60 seconds of my time worrying about it. I tried my best to understand most people and sometimes too much trust can lead to abuse. And yes, I learned it the hard way. I learned to walk out of toxic friendships and situations.

I chose to be happy.

Through the years I’ve became independent and made big decisions that were life changing. There are days when I looked back on how I’ve struggled on too many things and distractions yet I survived. Countless times of begging to God to take my life because of the tremendous pain that I feel; of all the failures that drowned me; of all the doubts that haunted me; and all the fears that crippled me. It wasn’t an easy feat to stand once again and make the world a better place when I have the option to make it hell for others.

I stopped talking because no one will ever understand. I stopped sharing to a lot of people because I know they won’t take that seriously or worst will just take it against me. Instead, I opened my mind and accepted that it’s just the way it is — people will disappoint you all the time but you can’t whine about it and expect them to shower you with love and kisses. I can’t be too ideal on my relationships to others as much as I also want to be one’s ideal friend. That’s next to impossible, I must say.

Mental health and its horrors are not that easy to talk about in this society full of standards and stereotypes. Talk to people who will surely listen, who will not give you the solution but help you out to be better. Hearing nice words and compliments won’t make a depressed person better, they want to hear that no matter what will happen you’re there on their side of the spectrum. Yeah, you hear me right and that’s also respecting their decision to cease their own life. It’s not your battle and you don’t know what’s going on inside them. You may state your thoughts about the situation but don’t provide solutions and force it. Trust me, don’t. Just don’t.

(pause for a minute)

.

.

.

Think of a long road trip to nowhere.

.

.

.

Selfish people will hold you down and will tell you that it’s scary and might probably let you go but with road maps, phone, drawn directions, emergency contact numbers and a handy pepper spray. My point is that they wanted you to be safe. It’s selfish because they simply don’t want to lose you and just want to keep you safe even if you’re too full of the world and want to escape. On the other hand, those who loved deeply will just let you go and will let you enjoy the journey. No trackers, no self defense stuff and probably won’t really require you a knapsack for your clothes. Some people might think that these folks never cared about you but in reality they are the ones who cared more.

What I am saying is that, I grew up in a world full of love and happiness. Too dreamy but it was my reality. My dad is amazing and my mom, although strict is as equally amazing as my father. My uncle who has been supportive and been proud of who I became during my early years was also awesome. They did protect and discipline me yet hold me accountable of my actions/decisions during the whole course of my teenage life. There were days I felt they didn’t even trust me because they sound condescending at times but eventually I realized that they were just afraid that I might get lost in this world full of bad decisions to make.

Even if I am too shy to share my struggles to them, I know that they will support me no matter what and that made me persevered to be better. The trust my parents gave me paved way to me achieving things I never thought of reaching. The goals are growing so as my drive. Depression bottled up inside me for a lot of factors and still haunts me sometimes. Also, losing some of my life’s VIPs just worsen the situation.

Several breakdowns and lone moments were experienced ages ago but I kept going.

I can still recall the days I cried and wished to just simply die. I woke up with a heavy heart and looked at my bedroom wall with suicidal thoughts in mind. It was a lonely journey.

… but also a beautiful one.

Quarter life crisis hit me and the journey of self discovery happened. One fine day when frustrations built up, I booked myself a flight to Cebu. I was 22 then. It was my first time to travel alone and my fear that it will be my last became my nirvana, my sanity break. So, whenever life hits me hard, I go. I go to new places to breathe and explore the world on a different perspective. It makes me feel normal and a totally different person. I am who I am and I am at my happiest.

The beaches were my sanctuary. The blue skies comfort my soul and the sunsets I experienced make me want to live each day a little longer. I am hoping to feel that same moment of awe and gratefulness all over again thus my wanderlust won’t cease to exist.

I never wanted to be understood for I’ve understand that not all will empathise on the choices I made. If I don’t want to be in your circle then I won’t force myself to fit in. I am a free person with an opinionated mind, a mouth who simply shuts up whenever I have nothing good to say ( unless I am drunk or something) and a heart full of love to the broken ones.

I know I cannot save everybody but I still want to save most.

I treat people based on how they treat me and others. I give too many chances to some. I burn bridges and never restore it. I battle fights worth battling and I keep those people of value who’ve prove their worth over time. There are the ones I love to be with and have earned my trust; those who deserve to see my laughters; my crazy side; the one who talks non-stop and jokes around until your stomach hurts. I show myself to those who kept me sane over the years and for friendships that have stood the test of time and transcends wherever we may be.

Lastly, I want to thank people who’ve come and go in my life for you’re those that I exactly need to be in my journey. We may or may not be part of each other’s lives anymore but you folks where the ones I need to grow and be who I am today. I can’t thank you enough( swearing to God I am not being sarcastic). I learned a lot through the years and I’ve been mature in dealing with this. One realization struck me a few months ago though — after all that I’ve been through and all the reckless decisions I made, only I can save myself.

love, Uncategorized

About Us

I remembered praying for love, a kind of love that would destroy the walls I’ve built for years. You came — you slowly walked into the walls I’ve made, tried to touch it and it melted my uncertainties. Maybe I’m inlove with you way back or maybe I’m not but what is certain is that I want you in my life as a friend. Until this day, you reminded me how beautiful life can be.

I honestly forgot how our friendship started, probably just a simple message turned into daily talk about work and life. It was a series of messages turned into long calls of stories being shared that turned out to be my blog inspiration. We eat and talk most of the time. I got hooked to the daily thing that it was hard to be taken away from my routine — our routine.

I don’t trust people that much but talking to you was a breeze. I wrote blogs and poetry with you in my mind — there were hopes, there were pain, there were love yet unrealized that time.

Hearing you broke up with your ex was actually a rollercoaster of feelings that piled up. I wanted to breathe further as I’m being drowned by my thoughts. I know I’m mad with what she has done yet in my heart there was too much care for you – that kind of care that scares you because you know it’s not right. I called several times just to check if you’re fine. I wanted to be there for you whenever you hated the world. I wanted to comfort you. All I wanted was for you to be okay all the time, to be happy.

You are an amazing person, BTW.

You push me to my limits, dared me to try a different approach when things don’t work out the way I planned it to be.

I must admit that not all days with you are perfect. There are times we argue due to opposing views and oftentimes my point and yours are being misunderstood by the other. I know that it is frustrating. We are our at wits end sometimes. I hope we’ll never give up in trying to understand, I’m glad we spend our time talking and listening after arguing. Listening is vital — beyond words, actions and facial expressions.

There are days when I don’t get your humor while mine is so shallow for you to bear. I admit that you’re street smart in a lot of ways compared to me. What I know is pretty much basic compared to how you see life.

It annoys me when you’re being bossy and raising your voice to stress out points sometimes. I know I’m not perfect and I tend to raise my voice too especially when I’m frustrated. I know you cared that’s why you comment on my driving skills. I hate that you are not into travelling but thanks for trying to be with me most of the time. I hate that I can’t order shrimp pasta because I can’t share it with you and you know how much I love sharing my favourite food and places to you. I hate that you don’t like salads and veggies for the reason I stated earlier. I hate it but you know I still love you.

Our mood sometimes ruin our perfect moment and I’m being too dramatic in dealing with life sometimes that it irks you because life is actually simple supposed to be. I apologize for being wired this way sometimes, emotional and idealistic.

There are too many indifferences that both of us questioned how long both of us will last when we always end up frustrated with each other. Hmmmmmnnnn…

I guess it’s too early to tell because we are both adjusting and accepting. You can’t be changed and I can’t be changed. We are who we are and it’s lovely. No one captured my heart the way you did it. You slowly picked up my broken pieces, tried to patch it all up and made those pieces whole again. The wounds reminded me how strong I am all these years and it’s worth another try especially that it’s you.

We are both smart people who came from different social and family backgrounds. There’s a huge difference in how we see life and it’s beautiful to learn from each other.

The optimist meets the pessimist.

The ambivert and the introvert.

The idealist and the realist.

John Paul, I love you for being you.

I love you because you care for me and that you love me despite my flaws. I love you so much that it scares me sometimes. I’m in love right now to the point that I can’t imagine my life without you. I hate to go back to those days I’m nursing a broken heart and hates cupid to the nth level. I don’t want to go back to those days that I cry for not being that girl who is worth the words. I hate to be alone. Even if my solitude brings peace, life is better if being shared with the one you love the most.

I miss my old self — less stress, always smiling and cheerful. People always comment that my laughter is contagious. What I’ve become? Despite how I’ve changed because of work, you were there. You still look at me with that crazy smile sometimes, I always catch you by the way and it keeps the butterflies in my stomach alive.

I will be here for you babe, to not cheat on my feelings and to you. I want to have more adventures. I want to spend time with you. I want to hear your thoughts on how your day went and I want to be your partner in playing Rules of Survival.

I hope that you’re the one God sent because I prayed too hard for this moment to come in my life. I’m glad you came and I hope it’s for good.

Finally, a blog post dedicated for you my love. You’ve made a significant mark in my life to move me to write about you…about us. More to come for the years to come — hopefully.

Sorry for being stubborn and thanks for being my sunshine, for keeping me happy when my skies are gray and I hope that God won’t take my sunshine away( insert Moira’s song here).

I love you, always. 😊

Uncategorized

8PM Monologues.

Like cold press paper with watercolors on it, the sun suddenly melted leaving a beautiful sky for me to awe. Another crimson sight and I found my heart felt full.

It seems that this past weeks I’ve been too busy and things were happening so fast I cannot even remember the last time I took time to hold my pen and scribble my short term goals for the year. It seems I’ve been chasing a lot of things leaving me emotionally unavailable, stressed and tired all the time. Sorting emotions can be draining so I usually chose to be silent and respond to what I have for the moment. I left some beneficial to my soul stuff unattended and focus more on my stressors. Am I idealistic? Perhaps yes, perhaps no.

Come to think of it, I know how to define what’s real and what’s not. How harsh my reality bites versus my faith in this world. I am in between two extremes and I personally don’t know why I sometimes admit that I’m an idealist when in fact I’m not. I am just the hopeful one, hoping that there’s romance in all things that’s been happening in our lives despite the reality that it sucks.

I feel secured after I pray, it’s like giving the divine being the power to control my life and all I need to do is to respond and be prepared to handle the worst.

Life suddenly reminded me of how short it is. It reminded me to make the most out of my existence — again. One afternoon I drove outside the city and saw a motorcycle accident. I even caught myself into one after revving the engine to overtake a motorcycle. Inside my car I felt the fear of possibly dying one day and that any wrong move can actually be fatal. I tried so hard to concentrate but it brings me back to thoughts about living, what have I done in this world… my death most probably just like the rest is nothing special.

When I have no more control on circumstances, I let luck and destiny play their role or maybe let God deals with his plan rather than insisting mine. All I need to do is sit and accept. I almost lost my boyfriend weeks ago wherein fear consumed me and it’s a crippling feeling not knowing what to do and paranoia keeps on teasing my mind. I took a moment to pray and just let things be. I didn’t ask God to save him… I asked God to remind him that a divine being exist. Angels and grim reaper may be waiting just around the corner but there’s this writer I duly respect, the writer of our lives… the one that we don’t see yet we know he exist. He knows better than us so trust they say, and I just submit to his will.

I felt the calmness.

****************************************

Haven’t posted this one and edited some stuff. Today, I just don’t feel anything exciting about my life at all. I’m tired and just want to take a break. I’m sad and badly miss my dad and Tito Edsel. I miss my old self, drunk and carefree. I miss being drowned into techno music and go home at 6am in the morning.

Adulthood sucks.

I miss being young with no responsibilities. I probably miss being passionate to the things I do. I guess I’ve lose my interest to pursue my career and just sit and watch the sunset.

I need a break.

personal, Uncategorized

Have I Gone Mad? 

I’ve written too much these past few years and my blog posts showcase my thoughts on a gloomy day. It’s a series of rants, unspoken words and poetry that reveals a not so typical piece of me. Words are my refuge in times when my heart is full of rage, despair, happiness and loneliness. What I’ve written all these years are my emotions waiting to be judge by the public who does not know the real me. I wear my heart on my sleeve perfectly in each piece of literary mayhem. It conveys emotions that are cryptic to some yet true friends know what I exactly mean. Well, people have their own opinions and I’ve lived past their scrutiny. 

I have known myself from all its recesses and how my emotions can fluctuate from time to time. I’m a reservoir waiting to be filled by memories and circumstances — sometimes shines, sometimes covered with darkness. 

I know how to tame my inner beast during the peak of my emotions as it eats my sanity away. I growl for respect and revenge is always sweeter if achieved. I am a monster when in rage and it’s hard to tame myself when justice ain’t sought. 

Looking myself in the mirror again, I’ve grown fast. The loneliness in my eyes were replaced by hope and the faith within have been stronger. I’ve overcome life’s worst and here I am standing still, brushing off the dusts from yesteryears battle. Another montage of past events on repeat, I’ve sorted it based on how I’ve successfully handled it. Not all emotions were retrieved but the memories were so clear. Where did the old me go? The one who sulks in one corner; the one who cried herself to sleep slowly losing hope in this world; the one who held the gun wanting to shoot herself; the one who travelled to find herself; the one who gave up on love just because she felt that she’s unworthy; the one who created her own euphoria by writing poetry; and the hopeless romantic. 

I touched myself trying to feel it’s realness. I am alive. I know people have judged me for what I’ve wrote, for what I’ve act and for the decisions I made. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I always put my faith to test this humanity. My heart wanted to let people see how I’ve seen it. I wanted to negotiate and make both ends meet no matter how hard it is. I’ve wanted to explain to people who got hurt by my words and actions to let them understand. I wanted peace and happiness but I realized that not all people see life the way I see it. 

Yes, I am innocent sometimes. The patience I extend are oftentimes abused. The niceness I project is always being challenged by circumstances. Some people provoke my own demons and they summon my own beast, the beast I’m trying to kill for quite some time. This beast is egocentric and hates injustice. It wanted to give detractors a taste of their own medicine. It symbolizes strength, power and evilness of my soul. It humbly waits for its prey who trespasses the danger zone. It is hard to tame sometimes but has been tamed all the time. 

I have been better all these years — such an honor and uplifts thy soul. 

The anger in my heart have been constantly healed by love and appreciation. I pray to God for patience and wisdom to understand and respond to situations in a manner that I won’t regret. I need to be better, I remind myself all the time. You can’t buy class, you exhibit it. People like me may think of ways to seek revenge but I believe karma has its own way of dealing with our lives. If you know you did not do anything wrong, you can sleep well at night. Wish people well instead.

I pray for peace and trust. I pray for a life I deserve. I pray for patience and love. I pray for forgiveness to those who’ve talked behind me, judged me and for those who’ve said nasty words. I know there will be no peace in my heart if I keep on looking back to those days where I got hurt. To keep going is harder than before if I let my useless emotional baggages drag me. I’ve been assured and that’s what I’ve trying to hold on right now. Until that day comes along, I’ll keep going and I’ll choose to be better. 

personal, Uncategorized

2017 Is A Good Year After All. 

And so I stop being so excited for the new year. I watched the second hand as it moves swiftly, here goes another wasted second.

2017 I must say is a year of new beginnings and remarkable memories. I waved goodbye to my quarter life crisis drama and depression is just another battle I kept on winning. Too many sullen episodes last 2017 but I survived. I’m glad I did. I’m glad I was able to keep going despite the toxicities of my mind. I’m glad I am here today drafting my year end post.

Life has never been easy for idealists like me for they see things way differently and they ended up most of the time frustrated.

It was a year where I travelled alone or with friends. I went to places that is new to me. Places that are not even that  famous yet gave me a lifetime experience I’ll never forget. Those experiences made me better as a person and gave me the chance to appreciate  life’s simple pleasures.

I’ve let go and opened my heart to new possibilities. Another year ended and this time I knew I emerged as someone who became better as time passes by. I aged gracefully and now somewhat mature in dealing with life. It has been a wonderful journey despite the set backs, great falls and frustrations. I should not be afraid of what’s in store. I know life is not all about good things and that I should prepare myself to deal with the storms and losing some battles. I know there will another episodes of melancholia. There will be days that I want to just stay in my room an cry but there will also be days that you’ll be grateful that you’re alive. I am happy because I met people who kept me sane this 2017 and that made me feel that it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to be not perfect. It’s okay to be full of flaws because they’ve accepted me for who I am — depressed and crazy.

They’ve been the funniest travel buddies I’ve been and I’m definitely looking forward to our next adventures.

And to Paul who never ceased to believe in my potentials, thank you. Thanks for being my best friend and shoulder to lean on during the times when I hated the world. Who would have thought that our friendship turned into something else? Despite all the dramas, I’m thankful that you came and that you didn’t give up on me. Thanks for being there always. I love you so much and I cannot wait to make memories with you and the rest of our friends.

2017, I bid goodbye to all the pains I felt and will be forever thankful to the new achievements I’ve unlocked both financially and emotionally. Work has been fine — challenging and tolerable. I hope I’ll be able to spend more time to what matters most than engage myself with stress that affects my being. I may need more time to unwind.

To 2018, I don’t expect much from you but let God’s will be done in my life. I’ll hold on to my faith that no matter what’s in store for me this year, I’ll be forever grateful for a life that I should start loving and living. I still wish for good health to the people I love and may we still have more time to make beautiful memories. 😊

God bless us all. Cheers to another year and may we enjoy another 365 days ride to 2019. Welcome aboard to flight 2018.  ❤