personal

Blogging Challenge Day 1: Share Where You See Yourself In 10 Years

It’s been a while since the last time I blogged my thoughts. Honestly, I tried hard to write, tried even harder to sum up my ideas and ended up in despair. It’s that time of the year again where I suffer from occasional writer’s block, a lame reason I made up to justify my laziness. I need to gather my thoughts and write something sensible or should I say personal just like what I’ve been doing for almost a decade here in WordPress.

Today I challenged myself to write again just because I want to do something special 30 days before I turn 29. Birthday blues are brewing within my system but work life keeps my mind too preoccupied that it has no time to be sad. I searched some topics online to somehow keep me alive in the field I am pretty much interested into and found some son called cure. I got this idea from Pinterest and I’m excited to start my own but I’ll somehow tweak it a bit. I won’t follow Katy’s suggestion on what needs to go first, I rather make up my own list and survive this one-month of cerebral journey.

Thanks to KatyWidrick.com

Day 1 is supposed to be a quick run through of my current relationship status but I don’t feel that topic to jump start this list of thoughts. I want to share more of myself and my goals for the next 10 years because by then I’ll be 38 and that’s pretty old. ๐Ÿ‘ต

Dear God, I see myself as a materialistic asshole with this list I made and please forgive me as it is still a work in progress:

  1. Driving a pick-up or an SUV off-road somewhere with friends or family just because it’s weekend.
  2. Graduating with another post grad degree probably in Psychology or finishing Law School and be an attorney.
  3. Travelling to more places internationally… ( Singapore, Japan, Indonesia, Malaysia, Europe, Thailand, Hongkong, Taiwan and more…)
  4. Being with my love in Palawan, Siargao and Batanes as well as arguing on what stories we’ll start publishing and sorting out our ideas on what to do, where to go next
  5. Getting promoted at work and developing my skills or finally resigning to get a job that would enhance my skillset and make me work outside of my comfort zone. I am interested into strategic management and corporate planning but I also wanna go away from traditional and rigid way of implementing processes.
  6. Building a huge following in Instagram and engaging more people to appreciate poetry and photography. I might as well try spoken poetry.
  7. Publishing a coffee table book that includes my haikus and poems.
  8. Having a big birthday celebration for my mom and be with her most of the time. I just want her to always remember my name.
  9. Getting married and having 2-3 kids.
  10. Being financially free and live a comfortable life.

The list goes on as time passes by but I want to go back to this post one day to check if I was able to work on my plans. I even sent a copy of this to myself via FutureMe.org to review after a decade.

It’s refreshing to feel a little bit of pressure after a long time. I never wanted to force myself to write but I got to, I need to. Coming up with this post is nerve wracking but I’m glad I was able to finish this with a joy in my heart. This is just the start of something new.

Thanks for visiting! ๐Ÿ’“

personal

She Wolf.

My heart is full and I would want to write my thoughts but I got a problem though, it’s hard to express it all in plain sentences so I opted to use metaphors in describing what I feel. I just need to write it before I burst into pieces, devour my thoughts for it feed me too long enough to take my sanity away.

I would want to take this opportunity to raise a toast to the broken ones who no longer had hope in love. I’m too broken to believe anymore.

The night is too young as of the moment but I’m daydreaming my own darkness whilst I’m all alone in a beach watching the full moon as it casts its light to everything that surrounds me. I can feel the eerieness but I am born alpha, no fear of the unknown. 

The chill runs down my spine and I wanted the darkness to eat me… slowly, until nothing is left. I want to escape the pangs of being alone in a beautiful night only to realized that I’m immune to the feeling. 

A broken wolf no longer believes that the morning will come. She looks at the moon and cry, cry until no sound can be heard from her. All those cries can be heard from a nearby town and sending goosebumps to everyone. You can feel its pain, a dying hope totally drowned by miseries. She howls to the Moon who’s million miles away from her, the moon who gave her light is also the moon that takes away his hope in certain days. The moon that is shy on certain days and would just leave a smirk in the sky. The moon she longs for is the moon that shines bright to other creatures of the night.

—————————–

I opened my eyes only to see sheer beauty. The darkness invaded me and I am comforted by the shadows of trees behind me. I continue to watch the moon from the horizon assuring me that I’ll be fine. 

I guess I will be fine. I will be fine without you. Without anyone. Don’t give me the light when you don’t plan to stay. Don’t disturb me for I will not be moved. 

I am a broken piece of the past and no one can restore me. I ripped my soul and my heart for my words. My words are my pride and my soul died too many times to believe that there’s hope in love. 

Au revoir. ๐Ÿบ

life, Uncategorized

Another Sunday Morning.

Disclaimer: I wrote this yesterday after drinking beers and cure my hangover with a macchiatto. Alcohol and coffee is not a good combo.

Here you go…

 

It’s been a month since the last time I write in this blog. I’ve been fine so maybe that’s the reason why I no longer wrote those things that made me happy and sad. I usually write when I am depressed or so happy I cannot contain it to myself. My life seems to be drifting day by day still feeling lost not knowing what to really do with it. I know this has been my blabs for quite some time already and yes, I still have no definite solution on how I will fix my shits.

I got to read an article of one celebrity teenager who killed herself and another one who had a viral video. I then realized that most of us are like masks, we don’t know what’s really happening inside but stick to what we see. We don’t get to understand their struggles yet we judge them by the way they look or act. The society we are in is judgmental, enough said. I don’t worry much on what people may think of me as I got this mindset that whatever you think won’t actually define me. I am who I am. I got trust issues. I am full of shits and if you can’t help me solve my problem just don’t add up to it. My life is not messy compared to others but there are times when I feel like it’s already my end. Yes, I won’t deny the reality that I did once try to kill myself. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself after someone broke my heart. I wanted to die and be with dad in heaven. I wanted to die to spare myself from all the shits the world has to offer. I wanted to die because I thought I will not be able to survive. I just hate challenges because why do you always need to constantly prove yourself in this f*cking world. I got frustrations building up day by day and I kick those leeches that suck up my happiness. I wanted to escape home because it breaks me seeing my mom weakening day by day. I still don’t know what to do once she’s gone. I still don’t know what the future beholds and still here I am breathing in the possibilities of tomorrow. It sucks, FYI.

But I choose to live.

I am still here because I cannot take my life away. I hate depression because it eats us slowly. I hate seeing people battling depression and being succumb into the dark. It’s been a battle worth fighting and I am recovering. It’s been a year since the last time I am crippled by it but did survive. Only few knows what I’ve been up to during my darkest days. I am glad I was able to tell someone about my plans as he was able to stop me from actually doing it. I felt lonely. I felt that my career is going no where. I felt stupid in graduate school. I was actually saved by someone who battled depression victoriously. I still get up, go to work and put that damn smile in my face but inside I am broken. I am shattered because of my pride. I am broken because of my choices. I am frustrated because I know I did well and end up still a shit. I know I have been overthinking stuffs and keeping it all to myself because I hate being judge by some that I am a weakling. I know I am weak. I know I needed someone in my life so badly and the thought of being alone in my 30’s scare me. I still doubt myself despite my numerous achievements. I wanted to be busy because when I am alone that’s when my thoughts drown me. I wanted to drink and get wasted so I can just sleep right away. I am self-destructing for 2 years already, juggling everything at once pretending I am fine but I am not.

I am still lost on what I really want to do with my life.

I don’t even have a decent savings to be proud of.

Anyways, I still got some hope and faith though. Everyday, I do my own pep talk. I know God has a plan and everything will be fine just like why I did not pursue in ending my life. God always make way to me and I trust him. I just pray that he’ll lead me the way because I survived 25 years of existence with him by my side. I yelled at him once because he was so unfair to me only to realize that those times he never listened to my pleas was actually the time he went out to open new opportunities for me. Someday, someday… it’ll all make sense. I know it will just like my yesterday that totally made sense today. I don’t want depression to cloud my sunny side, I know I got issues within myself I need to fix but as time passes by I am confident that I will be able to find that elusive answer to my personal dilemmas.

As what I always say, “Life as we all know it”.