personal

Unseen. Untold. Uncovered.

​Linkin Park

What goes in your mind when you hear the band name? Numb? In the end? Leave out all the rest? What I’ve Done? Depression? Suicide? A lot of great songs that made my high school to college life saner. Finally a band that sang my life anthems. They sang my thoughts and cradled my demons to sleep. I love most of their songs especially the non electro rock ones. 

They remind me of what I exactly feel and see — darkness. 

Source: Chester Charles Bennington ( March 20, 1976 – July 20, 2017 ) 

It’s in the news and social media recently that Chester Bennington their lead vocalist died because of suicide. Another warrior who chose to let his shield down and got carried away by his own demons. It is sad but people like us understands. This life has no way out when you keep on waiting for God except if you decide to end it too soon. I guess those who survives will continue and those who quitted, God bless their souls. 

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest”

Linkin Park – Leave Out All The Rest

Leave Out All The Rest

Depression can be deadly. It also kills the people that values you. Do not make yourself a memory if there is still a chance for you to make greater memories while living. 

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I had a casual conversation with my best pal yesterday about life, suicide and depression. I thanked him for being there and for understanding my own demons. I met these people during my darkest until I found myself again. I fought it victoriously few months ago when I decided to go away for 5 days and engaged myself in a solo trip in Luzon. I did everything alone and tried to feel how great it is to live away from your comfort zone. It was life changing and I have few takeaways from that amazing trip. It made me feel alive again. The purpose why we exist is a difficult question to answer but you need to have a tough mind to absorb what life has to offer. I got to figure it all out slowly but nevertheless I am on the right track.
Not all people understand depression and how crooked all the wires in our head can be. I am grateful to find people who listens and understands… who accepted me and loved every fiber of my madness. I am not very open to share my life because not all people get what I am going through. I am not tough, I am too vulnerable and I easily get too attached to people who trust me and vice versa. I fear to be in situation when I am giving all that I am and they will just reject my efforts and my feelings. I get so attached to people who I know needs me. 

 
Going back to our conversation, not seeking for help is too selfish. I agree, totally! Not all people can be like me who always choose to live by watching videos about coping up with depression, praying, travelling and writing. Some die. Few lives. Not all understand that suicide can be selfish, not all understand how it will affect the people around them — people who values them. We want to die because we think life no longer have meaning for us but we don’t see how we can affect our parents, our family and friends. We want to escape our demons who control us because we could not see ourself the way others see us. We are blinded by thoughts we created in our minds. We are overthinkers and overdoers. We see ourselves as failures, a nobody and useless. We need to talk things out. We need to verbalize our feelings so that our friends would understand and that is the greatest decision I have made — to share my plans of killing myself because I cannot take it anymore. Crying helps. Beer helps. Talking saves.

(This song pretty much sums up what I feel)

“Should’ve stayed, were there signs, I ignored?

Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?
We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep
There are things that we can have, but can’t keep.
If they say

Who cares if one more light goes out?
In the sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
Or quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?

Well I do.

The reminders, pull the floor from your feet
In the kitchen, one more chair than you need, oh
And you’re angry, and you should be, it’s not fair
Just ’cause you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it, isn’t there.”

One More Light – Linkin Park

One More Light

I do. I’ve been there. I totally do care.

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Honesty is necessary and sometimes it is just so tough to admit that we are weak. I am guilty of that and I am blessed to have few friends who can bluntly tell me how selfish I can be and that I am a person of value in their lives. I am stubborn. I am destroying my own life because of my thoughts and my feelings. This life should be taken easily. Wherever you are right now is probably where you should be. Stop listening to people’s opinions of you because you need to be in tune of yourself. The only opinion that matters is yours and yours alone. Admit that you are a failure and who cares? Everyone at some point in their lives, fail. I know I am a failure. I know I have hurt people. I know I have offended someone. I know I am an asshole. I know I am not beautiful. I know that nobody loves me as a lover. I know I cannot depend on people all the time because they can be a disappointment.We think that we should all conform to what the society needs. I suck. We suck. Who cares? Only you care about it, so why not change how our brains are wired. It is a process, a slow progress.

Spend time alone to think on what you can do to help yourself. 

I only got myself and I owe it to myself to be better each day because when all else fails, I still have ME.

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We cannot see our value because we are blinded by our own darkness.

We keep our demons in places we only see. Why not let them dance with people of value in our lives. 

We need to discover our strengths, our weaknesses through various opportunities and set backs that we need to face each day.

Life is damn short and being with our own demons seem to be forever but always choose to be better. 


Choose to live.

Uncategorized

Battling Quarter Life Crisis and More.

And so, let’s just say I am trying to be fine despite all the odds and eccentrities of my life. I am not really exaggerating for the nth time. I apologize for being such a dope today.

I have come to realized that I am indeed suffering from quarter life crisis. It’s not like other crisis you know such as inflation rate resulting to economic crisis or you not having the budget to buy luxury items and declare to the world that you are suffering from financial crisis, it’s the kind of crisis that affect those twenty something people wondering on their “what’s next?” in life.

I guess I am normal since I am going through this phase of my life. I feel a little shitty, honestly. I just don’t know what to do with my life aside of course from YOLO-ing since 23 and just going with the flow but this come what may kind of life is not really the life I want to live. I want more out of it. I recently got my Master’s degree in Business Administration and I should be proud of it since I was able to juggle my work and school but I just feel fine about it, no biggie while others are screaming “Congratulations!”. Should I really be proud? I don’t think so. I am plainly weird because I don’t like any fuss and I don’t like bragging those little milestones in my life. I just hate too much attention.

Anyways, let’s go back to this quarter life crisis thing. Let me share to you an article I stumbled upon after I crazily googled quarter life crisis. It’s found on this website: http://allgroanup.com/adult/25-signs-quarter-life-crisis/

I want to comment on each signs. Here you go:

25 Signs You are Having a Quarter Life Crisis

1.  You glare at your cat in the morning as you get ready for work and say, “God, I wish I had your life.” — I even say it to any animals who just simply chill and not worrying about bills and finances. Geez, go get a job cat and realized how miserable life can be.2.  “Am I ever going to feel like myself again?” Is something you ask. Every day. — EVERY SINGLE DAY! I apologize for screaming but I can relate to this, I usually ask myself if I’ll be able to feel alive again, you know sunshiney – happy – full of daisies kind of me. 

3.  A Bon Iver or John Mayer song comes on and you start crying. By yourself, or around friends. Or in the middle of a coffee shop as strangers slowly usher their children away. — Any song that I can totally relate to, I cry privately. 

4.  “When is life going to feel like it’s supposed to?” Is something you ask. Every day. — When will I be totally happy? Again… sunshiney-happy-full-of-daisies kind of me. 

5.  You’re reading this article right now because you Googled: “Quarter Life Crisis?” — OH SHIT!

6.  Visualizing yourself 15 years from now doing your bosses job makes you throw up a little in your mouth. — This is so true.

7.  You’re having arguments with your mom again about cleaning your bathroom and being home at a reasonable hour. — No arguments, it’s just me battling my patience because my mom seems to be affected by old age. It scares me a lot knowing I might lose her one day and I’ll be alone. 

8.  Your monthly routine of expenses being greater than your income is dawning on you as a serious problem. — Tell me more about it. 

9.  You’re having arguments with your newly cemented spouse and/or roommate that sound awfully like the arguments your parents used to have, that you swore you’d never have, yet are having. — Cannot relate to this.

10. You’ve moved six times in the last four years.

B.  You’ve had six jobs in the last four years.

C.  You’ve had six boyfriends in the last four years.

D.  You’ve had six girlfriends in the last four years.

E.  You’ve had no boyfriends/girlfriends in the last six years and you’re scared your boyfriending orgirlfriending is broken. —– I’ll be forever alone with 8 cats and 5 dogs. 

11.  You’d pay top dollar for a moment of clarity. — I am willing to pay thousand bucks just for me to be able to see the path that will lead me to happiness and fulfillment.

12.  That young mom with the crazy hair and stains on her shirt and bags under her eyes that kind of smells like rotten milk who you rolled your eyes at throughout college. Yeah, well you roll your stroller into a coffee shop after waking up six times with your baby and see a college girl look you up and down with that same disgust. And it takes everything within you not to walk over to that snooty college princess and punch her in the face. — Oh God, NOOOO! I think I’ll be single forever even if I adore kids.

13.  Your part-time, temporary job at Starbucks has lasted three and ½ years. — I haven’t had the chance to work in Starbucks but I would love too…

14.  You binge on buying brand names to try and cover up that you’re broke. — I am still not into mainstream but I do buy stuff even if I am broke.

15.  You find yourself repelled and compelled by church at the same time. You ask God for help one day and then you’re yelling at him the next. Your faith is a roller coaster and you’re pretty sure your seat belt is about to come undone. — I am so sorry God, I am such a stubborn brat. 

16.  You see so clearly the two roads in front of you. A life of comfort and a life of risk. And you’re not sure you have the right car or directions to go down either one. — Indeed.

17.  You surf the internet so much at work every day that you literally hit a point where you don’t know what else to search for. — AMEN TO THIS. Life at work sometimes bore me.

18.  You laughed, and cried, when you read 21 Secrets for your 20’s. —GEEZ.

19.  Making a budget is completely debilitating.

Even thinking about doing your taxes. Debilitating.

Buying groceries. Debilitating.

Doing dishes. Cooking dinner. Looking for a job. Calling your mom back. Calling your best friend back. Picking up the phone at all. DEBILI-FRICKING-TATING.

So you watch four seasons in a row of _________, while Facebook stalking exes and enemies. — You bet. I rather do the FB stalking and read through blogs of my friends and enemies. My finances make me sick.

20.  The phrase you dread hearing the most at work is, “Congratulations, you’re getting a promotion.” — Oh my!

21.  You feel like every time you’re a bridesmaid/groomsman, an angel loses it’s wings. — I KNOW RIGHT?!!! I am saying hi to my spinster self all over again and cry over their beautiful vows. Life is sooooo damn unfair.

22.  You dream about going back and punching yourSmug-College-Self who was so sure had all the answers. — True. Just when you thought life is so easy huh? Well, IT IS NOT. IT’S NOT!!! It’s damn  not!!!! wooooozah!!!!

23.  You seek out a mentor for answers one week and you avoid them like the 8th grader with bad BO, the next. — Grrr… damn right, this list is so damn right.

24.  You have no idea where to go for answers. — damn right again!

Yet

25. You’re 99.7% sure a road-trip would fix everything. — DEFINITELY… but where to old soul, where to?

So here I go again, I am constantly battling this life crisis without knowing the actual answers on how to resolve such phase. I have a good paying and stable job. I got my degree in Masters in Business Administration. I am single and I am hating it even if I have personal space issues. I don’t know how to overcome my life problems. Oh God, help me out here!

Sighs… and more sighs.