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Afternoon Thoughts

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I hope I will find a guy who would actually say these damn words to me. 🙂

I spent my Sunday night thinking, not that it is something unusual because I do that most of the time but it is just a little different though due to the fact that I am thinking about marriage and having a family of my own. The idea actually sickens me. I guess I am not ready to have a baby or even get married. I feel so weird when I imagine myself having those baby bump and worst having a live baby inside my tummy — that freaked me out and I voluntarily forced out the idea in my mind.

At 25, I have thoughts of having a relationship but I guess I am still not ready yet. I think I have a lot of things to do first before committing myself to something that will actually changed my life forever. For a free-spirited kid, I don’t think I will be able to endure that kind of life, well for now, I am really sure of that. I kept on telling myself that I am totally weird and that only few people understands my ambivert kind of personality. I am fully aware of my mood swings to the point that I can actually yell at people when I am extremely mad  but I am proud to say that I am always in  control of everything. I haven’t yell or scream at anybody yet. Thank you, God again for the gift of patience. I practice control in every situation no matter how panicky I can be within. Domineering, yes I am.

I thank the people who are nice to me, people who understands how weird I can be especially if I hate to socialize and lastly people who gained my aloof trust. I am quite difficult, FYI. I have trust issues, I rarely trust people with everything and I hate talking about my sort of kind of dysfunctional life to others. Anything random stuffs, I do share that but not my personal shits.

I am seriously bummed out of my life. I know how it is getting haywire and I am basically stress of all the deadlines to meet yet I am still an ass sleeping my weekend away. I have been sober for a month already, not that I am highlighting my drinking habits because again I can live without Jack Daniels and Don Papa. I can live without beer, rum and soda but never coffee. I became self-destructing after a big family problem I encountered last year. I became a slacker while I am working on my graduate school subjects and I became a happy kid because I dared to to be carefree and decided to live my life the YOLO way. Well, the downside of all this hullabaloos are the following:

  • no savings
  • tactlessness when intoxicated
  • tactlessness in blogging especially when intoxicated
  • no savings
  • NO SAVINGS

It’s not really something though except that for emergency cases, I am screwed.

Anyways, I am changing myself back to my old maid ways. I probably need to have my life redefined after graduate school so instead of blogging  my Monday thoughts here perhaps, I’ll start planning out my corporate study so that I will be able to defend it before the month ends. Oh God, help me out here.

Now for my love sick self, since I am aware that a boy won’t actually define me, I guess it would  be best to say that someday I will be able to find someone who will just make me feel ready for everything, for family, for motherhood and for marriage. I am not closing my door and definitely open for all the endless possibilities life has to offer. For now, let me get myself back to reality as I have deadlines to meet. TTFN.