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What Adulthood Feels Like

It’s been a while since the last blog post and it didn’t seem to feel like forever. I realized how my 24/7 became more of a task rather than exist and live memorably. Well it’s plainly idealistic to think that every day is supposed to be a beautiful story to tell. More of a blah than a once upon a time kind of thing.

Anyways… what drove me to blog my thoughts is not another emotional force but a therapeutic way of just writing what’s on my mind. I looked at myself in the mirror again and saw a woman still feeling empty despite what she had achieved. Even famous celebrities feel that way, even you — I guess. There’s this certain age in humanhood where we try to be who we dreamed to be. It’s that time when we are too driven and too frustrated in reaching our dreams. Sometimes we just want to put meaning in our existence and not finding it leads to wishes of dying for the sake of ending the pain we feel. Sad story I know, but that’s reality.

Adulthood is never easy. It’s when you meet halfway from being a wimpy kid to a full blown person who is expected by the society to succeed. Adulthood sucks. Bores the hell out of me. I live pay check to pay check still not tremendously happy or should I say fulfilled with life. Ugh.

People come, people go. You suddenly hate the friends you used to love because they turned out to be total disappointments and you let time be the judge on what will be the best ending for your friendship. Space and time — too cliche. No biggie. We stick to those more than 7 years of friendship that didn’t start over beer. We celebrate those kind of people in our lives for sticking up with us after those years of you trying to figure out adulthood and yeah you’re still trying up to now, that fact I almost forgot to stress out. 😂

Sometimes I wish I’ll be able to live the life I wanted.

I feel that I’m halfway caged and halfway freed in today’s life. I know that everything is bound by my choice but practicality is the best way to resolve all this idealistic views about life. I can’t quit my job to travel and immerse myself into different cultures no matter how badly I wanted it. I admit that I’m currently computing the amount of my last pay if I quit today and it’s not enough for a Eurasia trip. I want to travel for 6-months and probably write about the experience. To experience humanity and the world is the craziest dream I have ever conceived in my mind. I can’t just be someone who does mundane tasks everyday to get by. I need my creative cells to work. I need to make the most of my strengths and be the person God wanted me to be. I need to work with extreme passion knowing life is too short to dwell on stuff that kills you slowly. I need to find that fire — something that will excite me everyday when I am not pressured by time. I can’t let my creative soul die… I’ll never forgive myself if that will be the case.

Life is better if you live the life you always wanted, the life that you are destined to be. Some adults are fulfilled while some are still on their quest to find their real selves every single day. It feels empty. It feels like forever doing the tasks hoping someday it will be different. To act now can sometimes be good to hear but hard to do. To live in this chaotic world is a sign of strength… Oh adulting really bites the hell out of me.

I should feel fulfilled right now, who wouldn’t if they’re in my shoes? Some are too proud with themselves while I’m just one of those who dreamed more despite my own series of achievement. I don’t feel full of myself and I know that’s a bad thing but I’ve become too apathetic. I don’t care what people say about the good things I’ve done, the achievements I’ve achieved or the way I look… All I wanted is to live a life of purpose.

I should feel ecstatic knowing I got myself a brand new car months ago, learned to drive nearly a month or so, believe in love again after giving up on finding a man and getting a passport to travel abroad — but yeah all of these never made me feel oh so complete but I’m happy. It’s not that lit in my side of the spectrum. I guess I am out of feelings and energy. It sucks to feel this way though. It’s kinda tiresome to do things you’re no longer excited to do as it affects you personally. I want to keep up with my sanity by taking long breaks to reflect and reset.

Oh God help me.

Adulthood sucks big time.

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Dreadful Thoughts.

I found myself alone inside a fast food restaurant shoving fries in my mouth while watching the raindrops slowly dripping on the crystal glass. Too many words in my mind and I’m ready to write again about my feelings for tonight.

The thoughts did not stop instead it kept on going and going until I got exhausted and drove myself home. I felt my heart suddenly sank and the emotions then again drowned me. I prayed too loud to the point of begging God, not now — not this year. I can’t imagine my life without meaning. I don’t know how I’ll survived without my mom. I know she’s getting older and weaker and God knows that she’s been through a lot in this lifetime. All I want is more time.

Last March 7 my mom celebrated her birthday and told me it might be her last. I don’t know how to respond except that I smiled and told her that she’ll still be with us until 100. I know this conversation will come and reality tells me I don’t have much time. People and family members would always say that she’s alive because of me and all that she’s waiting is for me to settle down and have a family of my own. My heart breaks whenever I hear those words not because I’m pressured but because I feel that even it’s about time she chooses to stay for me. God knows how much I love her and she’s the only reason why I keep going. Every day the thought of losing her haunts me. I cannot exist without her. I just can’t.

I’m trying to sort my plans especially when she’s gone and I’m still single. I’ll probably find a job abroad and live on my own or stay and feel the loneliness of a barren house. I might go back to my old ways of going home intoxicated just temporarily forget the sadness I feel. The pain is ripping my heart and my mind is in great chaos — imagining that kind of pain is torturous to the soul.

My reality tells me that I’m hoping too much in this world. I still have a lot of hope and a lot of faith. I recalled how I survived my past challenges by escaping with people who understands me, who are crazier and sad but sees hope by looking forward of every fun weekend. It’s the story behind each bottle that floods the chaos of our soul. It’s the fun memories you make out of a drunken night that make you forget the cruelness life has to offer. It’s the bad decisions turned into a funny memory. No matter how reality surely bites, the pain didn’t last for long as long as you’re in good company. Maybe I’ll do it again just to regain the temporary happiness when all the hope is gone.

Today, I fear what tomorrow beholds. I fear that I will lose it all — my reason to exist. Maybe I wanted to get married and have a family of my own. Maybe I don’t. Maybe I’ll find someone who’ll choose me over and over again and build a family. Maybe I’ll wait for more years. Maybe I’ll get tired and keep on escaping until I get exhausted. All the maybes, all the what ifs and no certainty on what’s next.

My manager told me to let go, let go of everything including my mom. Maybe it’s about time for me to tell her that even without her I’ll survive knowing I have a job and boyfriend already that will care for me when she’s gone. Honestly, I just can’t let go. My job is not stable and I don’t want to be a burden to the boy I love. I can’t let go of the reason why I choose to exist no matter how badly I wanted to die. I have millions of reasons to no longer exist and few to live. I’m tired of this crappy world but I choose to keep going for my mom.

Suddenly it made sense to me why my mother always tell me to bear a child before she goes. Maybe she feels that with a child I’ll find meaning again, a better reason to exist and to not die out of depression. My mom knows and feels she’s the reason I am not giving up.

I kept on talking fervently to God on my way home begging for more years until I’m settled, until I find meaning in life again. Today makes sense because of my mother and even how much love I can give to other people, they are all dispensable but not our parents especially our mother who sacrificed her life for us, who carry us in their wombs and who gave us unconditional love. No one can be in her shoes.

My heart crushes whenever the thought resides in my mind. I can’t, I just can’t live without her. Again, I begged to give five to ten years of my life in exchange for more years with my mom. It’s my Simala prayer… more years. More Years. I love her so much and I just can’t live without her… not now please, not this year.

love, Uncategorized

About Us

I remembered praying for love, a kind of love that would destroy the walls I’ve built for years. You came — you slowly walked into the walls I’ve made, tried to touch it and it melted my uncertainties. Maybe I’m inlove with you way back or maybe I’m not but what is certain is that I want you in my life as a friend. Until this day, you reminded me how beautiful life can be.

I honestly forgot how our friendship started, probably just a simple message turned into daily talk about work and life. It was a series of messages turned into long calls of stories being shared that turned out to be my blog inspiration. We eat and talk most of the time. I got hooked to the daily thing that it was hard to be taken away from my routine — our routine.

I don’t trust people that much but talking to you was a breeze. I wrote blogs and poetry with you in my mind — there were hopes, there were pain, there were love yet unrealized that time.

Hearing you broke up with your ex was actually a rollercoaster of feelings that piled up. I wanted to breathe further as I’m being drowned by my thoughts. I know I’m mad with what she has done yet in my heart there was too much care for you – that kind of care that scares you because you know it’s not right. I called several times just to check if you’re fine. I wanted to be there for you whenever you hated the world. I wanted to comfort you. All I wanted was for you to be okay all the time, to be happy.

You are an amazing person, BTW.

You push me to my limits, dared me to try a different approach when things don’t work out the way I planned it to be.

I must admit that not all days with you are perfect. There are times we argue due to opposing views and oftentimes my point and yours are being misunderstood by the other. I know that it is frustrating. We are our at wits end sometimes. I hope we’ll never give up in trying to understand, I’m glad we spend our time talking and listening after arguing. Listening is vital — beyond words, actions and facial expressions.

There are days when I don’t get your humor while mine is so shallow for you to bear. I admit that you’re street smart in a lot of ways compared to me. What I know is pretty much basic compared to how you see life.

It annoys me when you’re being bossy and raising your voice to stress out points sometimes. I know I’m not perfect and I tend to raise my voice too especially when I’m frustrated. I know you cared that’s why you comment on my driving skills. I hate that you are not into travelling but thanks for trying to be with me most of the time. I hate that I can’t order shrimp pasta because I can’t share it with you and you know how much I love sharing my favourite food and places to you. I hate that you don’t like salads and veggies for the reason I stated earlier. I hate it but you know I still love you.

Our mood sometimes ruin our perfect moment and I’m being too dramatic in dealing with life sometimes that it irks you because life is actually simple supposed to be. I apologize for being wired this way sometimes, emotional and idealistic.

There are too many indifferences that both of us questioned how long both of us will last when we always end up frustrated with each other. Hmmmmmnnnn…

I guess it’s too early to tell because we are both adjusting and accepting. You can’t be changed and I can’t be changed. We are who we are and it’s lovely. No one captured my heart the way you did it. You slowly picked up my broken pieces, tried to patch it all up and made those pieces whole again. The wounds reminded me how strong I am all these years and it’s worth another try especially that it’s you.

We are both smart people who came from different social and family backgrounds. There’s a huge difference in how we see life and it’s beautiful to learn from each other.

The optimist meets the pessimist.

The ambivert and the introvert.

The idealist and the realist.

John Paul, I love you for being you.

I love you because you care for me and that you love me despite my flaws. I love you so much that it scares me sometimes. I’m in love right now to the point that I can’t imagine my life without you. I hate to go back to those days I’m nursing a broken heart and hates cupid to the nth level. I don’t want to go back to those days that I cry for not being that girl who is worth the words. I hate to be alone. Even if my solitude brings peace, life is better if being shared with the one you love the most.

I miss my old self — less stress, always smiling and cheerful. People always comment that my laughter is contagious. What I’ve become? Despite how I’ve changed because of work, you were there. You still look at me with that crazy smile sometimes, I always catch you by the way and it keeps the butterflies in my stomach alive.

I will be here for you babe, to not cheat on my feelings and to you. I want to have more adventures. I want to spend time with you. I want to hear your thoughts on how your day went and I want to be your partner in playing Rules of Survival.

I hope that you’re the one God sent because I prayed too hard for this moment to come in my life. I’m glad you came and I hope it’s for good.

Finally, a blog post dedicated for you my love. You’ve made a significant mark in my life to move me to write about you…about us. More to come for the years to come — hopefully.

Sorry for being stubborn and thanks for being my sunshine, for keeping me happy when my skies are gray and I hope that God won’t take my sunshine away( insert Moira’s song here).

I love you, always. 😊

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8PM Monologues.

Like cold press paper with watercolors on it, the sun suddenly melted leaving a beautiful sky for me to awe. Another crimson sight and I found my heart felt full.

It seems that this past weeks I’ve been too busy and things were happening so fast I cannot even remember the last time I took time to hold my pen and scribble my short term goals for the year. It seems I’ve been chasing a lot of things leaving me emotionally unavailable, stressed and tired all the time. Sorting emotions can be draining so I usually chose to be silent and respond to what I have for the moment. I left some beneficial to my soul stuff unattended and focus more on my stressors. Am I idealistic? Perhaps yes, perhaps no.

Come to think of it, I know how to define what’s real and what’s not. How harsh my reality bites versus my faith in this world. I am in between two extremes and I personally don’t know why I sometimes admit that I’m an idealist when in fact I’m not. I am just the hopeful one, hoping that there’s romance in all things that’s been happening in our lives despite the reality that it sucks.

I feel secured after I pray, it’s like giving the divine being the power to control my life and all I need to do is to respond and be prepared to handle the worst.

Life suddenly reminded me of how short it is. It reminded me to make the most out of my existence — again. One afternoon I drove outside the city and saw a motorcycle accident. I even caught myself into one after revving the engine to overtake a motorcycle. Inside my car I felt the fear of possibly dying one day and that any wrong move can actually be fatal. I tried so hard to concentrate but it brings me back to thoughts about living, what have I done in this world… my death most probably just like the rest is nothing special.

When I have no more control on circumstances, I let luck and destiny play their role or maybe let God deals with his plan rather than insisting mine. All I need to do is sit and accept. I almost lost my boyfriend weeks ago wherein fear consumed me and it’s a crippling feeling not knowing what to do and paranoia keeps on teasing my mind. I took a moment to pray and just let things be. I didn’t ask God to save him… I asked God to remind him that a divine being exist. Angels and grim reaper may be waiting just around the corner but there’s this writer I duly respect, the writer of our lives… the one that we don’t see yet we know he exist. He knows better than us so trust they say, and I just submit to his will.

I felt the calmness.

****************************************

Haven’t posted this one and edited some stuff. Today, I just don’t feel anything exciting about my life at all. I’m tired and just want to take a break. I’m sad and badly miss my dad and Tito Edsel. I miss my old self, drunk and carefree. I miss being drowned into techno music and go home at 6am in the morning.

Adulthood sucks.

I miss being young with no responsibilities. I probably miss being passionate to the things I do. I guess I’ve lose my interest to pursue my career and just sit and watch the sunset.

I need a break.

personal, Uncategorized

Have I Gone Mad? 

I’ve written too much these past few years and my blog posts showcase my thoughts on a gloomy day. It’s a series of rants, unspoken words and poetry that reveals a not so typical piece of me. Words are my refuge in times when my heart is full of rage, despair, happiness and loneliness. What I’ve written all these years are my emotions waiting to be judge by the public who does not know the real me. I wear my heart on my sleeve perfectly in each piece of literary mayhem. It conveys emotions that are cryptic to some yet true friends know what I exactly mean. Well, people have their own opinions and I’ve lived past their scrutiny. 

I have known myself from all its recesses and how my emotions can fluctuate from time to time. I’m a reservoir waiting to be filled by memories and circumstances — sometimes shines, sometimes covered with darkness. 

I know how to tame my inner beast during the peak of my emotions as it eats my sanity away. I growl for respect and revenge is always sweeter if achieved. I am a monster when in rage and it’s hard to tame myself when justice ain’t sought. 

Looking myself in the mirror again, I’ve grown fast. The loneliness in my eyes were replaced by hope and the faith within have been stronger. I’ve overcome life’s worst and here I am standing still, brushing off the dusts from yesteryears battle. Another montage of past events on repeat, I’ve sorted it based on how I’ve successfully handled it. Not all emotions were retrieved but the memories were so clear. Where did the old me go? The one who sulks in one corner; the one who cried herself to sleep slowly losing hope in this world; the one who held the gun wanting to shoot herself; the one who travelled to find herself; the one who gave up on love just because she felt that she’s unworthy; the one who created her own euphoria by writing poetry; and the hopeless romantic. 

I touched myself trying to feel it’s realness. I am alive. I know people have judged me for what I’ve wrote, for what I’ve act and for the decisions I made. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I always put my faith to test this humanity. My heart wanted to let people see how I’ve seen it. I wanted to negotiate and make both ends meet no matter how hard it is. I’ve wanted to explain to people who got hurt by my words and actions to let them understand. I wanted peace and happiness but I realized that not all people see life the way I see it. 

Yes, I am innocent sometimes. The patience I extend are oftentimes abused. The niceness I project is always being challenged by circumstances. Some people provoke my own demons and they summon my own beast, the beast I’m trying to kill for quite some time. This beast is egocentric and hates injustice. It wanted to give detractors a taste of their own medicine. It symbolizes strength, power and evilness of my soul. It humbly waits for its prey who trespasses the danger zone. It is hard to tame sometimes but has been tamed all the time. 

I have been better all these years — such an honor and uplifts thy soul. 

The anger in my heart have been constantly healed by love and appreciation. I pray to God for patience and wisdom to understand and respond to situations in a manner that I won’t regret. I need to be better, I remind myself all the time. You can’t buy class, you exhibit it. People like me may think of ways to seek revenge but I believe karma has its own way of dealing with our lives. If you know you did not do anything wrong, you can sleep well at night. Wish people well instead.

I pray for peace and trust. I pray for a life I deserve. I pray for patience and love. I pray for forgiveness to those who’ve talked behind me, judged me and for those who’ve said nasty words. I know there will be no peace in my heart if I keep on looking back to those days where I got hurt. To keep going is harder than before if I let my useless emotional baggages drag me. I’ve been assured and that’s what I’ve trying to hold on right now. Until that day comes along, I’ll keep going and I’ll choose to be better. 

personal, Uncategorized

2017 Is A Good Year After All. 

And so I stop being so excited for the new year. I watched the second hand as it moves swiftly, here goes another wasted second.

2017 I must say is a year of new beginnings and remarkable memories. I waved goodbye to my quarter life crisis drama and depression is just another battle I kept on winning. Too many sullen episodes last 2017 but I survived. I’m glad I did. I’m glad I was able to keep going despite the toxicities of my mind. I’m glad I am here today drafting my year end post.

Life has never been easy for idealists like me for they see things way differently and they ended up most of the time frustrated.

It was a year where I travelled alone or with friends. I went to places that is new to me. Places that are not even that  famous yet gave me a lifetime experience I’ll never forget. Those experiences made me better as a person and gave me the chance to appreciate  life’s simple pleasures.

I’ve let go and opened my heart to new possibilities. Another year ended and this time I knew I emerged as someone who became better as time passes by. I aged gracefully and now somewhat mature in dealing with life. It has been a wonderful journey despite the set backs, great falls and frustrations. I should not be afraid of what’s in store. I know life is not all about good things and that I should prepare myself to deal with the storms and losing some battles. I know there will another episodes of melancholia. There will be days that I want to just stay in my room an cry but there will also be days that you’ll be grateful that you’re alive. I am happy because I met people who kept me sane this 2017 and that made me feel that it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to be not perfect. It’s okay to be full of flaws because they’ve accepted me for who I am — depressed and crazy.

They’ve been the funniest travel buddies I’ve been and I’m definitely looking forward to our next adventures.

And to Paul who never ceased to believe in my potentials, thank you. Thanks for being my best friend and shoulder to lean on during the times when I hated the world. Who would have thought that our friendship turned into something else? Despite all the dramas, I’m thankful that you came and that you didn’t give up on me. Thanks for being there always. I love you so much and I cannot wait to make memories with you and the rest of our friends.

2017, I bid goodbye to all the pains I felt and will be forever thankful to the new achievements I’ve unlocked both financially and emotionally. Work has been fine — challenging and tolerable. I hope I’ll be able to spend more time to what matters most than engage myself with stress that affects my being. I may need more time to unwind.

To 2018, I don’t expect much from you but let God’s will be done in my life. I’ll hold on to my faith that no matter what’s in store for me this year, I’ll be forever grateful for a life that I should start loving and living. I still wish for good health to the people I love and may we still have more time to make beautiful memories. 😊

God bless us all. Cheers to another year and may we enjoy another 365 days ride to 2019. Welcome aboard to flight 2018.  ❤

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Friday Morning Solitude.

image

He was the thought behind unfinished sentences and discarded blog posts. I write several sentences until my eyes swell and a lump in my throat bothers me. I hit the discard post over save and look at the screen of my phone like a kid deprived of her favorite chocolates. I pray this feeling ends soon because it kills me. It’s like waiting for a moment that you know will never happen but you keep on waiting. You keep on believing that you are awesome and that he should see that like how others see you. You believe that you’re smart, you’re nice and you’re the best he could have. You know you’re worth the words so you choose to wait until he realize that you are the answered prayer. You are his the one.

It was always a battle between justifying my feelings when I know it’ll never be justified at all. I tried to let go countless times but I’m still here stuck with a realization that I’ll never be at peace. I keep on cutting the weeds that suffocate me trying to free myself from his entirety but I can’t. I just can’t.

I look at my phone several times waiting for his text just like how it was before. I keep on wishing nothing actually changed but it changes as months pass by. There’s awkwardness and sadness because the person you thought will never leave you sees you as an option and no longer the priority. Suddenly I keep on asking myself if I’m indeed an asshole. I started to question my worth. I started to doubt myself, started to feel that I’m not enough, started to feel so small in his world. I decided to step back and the loneliness is haunting. I trusted him, told him everything about my life and now I felt that I shared too much of me to someone who does not want to be with me anymore. He’s already keeping a part of himself from me and that makes me actually feel like I can no longer be the person anyone can trust.

I wish to be saved by someone else’s smile and courage to blurt out those words that will awake me from my nightmares and daydreams. I know how hard I prayed to God that I’ll find someone who matches my kind of crazy. He should be honest enough to tell me that I complement his personality. Someone who’ll make me realize that I’m waiting for someone who does not value me because I’m not rich, I’m not beautiful and I’m not smart enough. I’m in limbo of emotions and it’s killing me.

Here’s to my own tragedy… untold, half-written and full of unnecessary pain.

journal, life, Uncategorized

Midshift and The Rain is Falling.

There are those moments in our lives that stimulates our artistic side, the side that we choose to hide from people that may judge you and the side that we usually hate because it makes you feel vulnerable. Admit it, you have that side.

Tonight, I feel that urge to write my thoughts. I rarely feel it when I’m being swamped with work. Valentines is over and done — thank God. I’m always that girl, the girl who is just so awkward during first meet up.

(First sip of coffee )…

I can taste the caffeine in my lips. Bitter just like my old self. Years have gone by and I’ve outgrown my bitterness on love. Despite the strong aura I emit, the inner desire to find someone who can tame my craziness is something I regularly fight. I keep on telling myself that reality bites and there is no such thing as prince in shining armor that will come to kiss me and save me from the evil world. I only got myself — no more, no less.

( Second sip.. )

Life’s too short to feel bad if things won’t go my way.  It never goes my way most of the time so I better get used to it. Recently, I felt so bad because I keep on doing the right thing only to end up not being recognize. I tried to understand everything and I did. It’s not that I want to be recognized for my hard work but I guess I deserve an acceptable reason why it turned out not the way I have expected it to be. It’s just the way it is, life’s not fair for the nth time Carol so better deal with it.

( Third sip…)

Travel.

I’m daydreaming too much lately planning out my next trips each month to new places.  I did not make any new year’s resolutions this year so better decide to do something spontaneous and start my own travel blog. This blog is a mixture of my different sides. It’s kinda messed up but it depicts me. I’ll start to post more of my adventures and I might start on my most recent trip in the City of Love — Iloilo.  I am a believer that the Philippines is such a beautiful country and my mission in life is to unravel and share its beauty.

( Fourth moment with my cup requires me to take a gulp of its bitterness )

Dreams.

When will I learn to break free from my monotonous life?  It has been like this since I graduated college. I am inlove with a lot of things but I’m still lost on what I really wanted to do that it scares the shit out of me. I’m afraid that I may lose the time I need to fulfill my plans or maybe I’m missing a lot about life.

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  All I wanted is to be happy and fulfilled on my deathbed someday. Oh, God my merciful savior I don’t want to die sad. I still want to have a family I can call my own and this dream is actually related to the next thought that I’ll be sharing.  It requires me a surmountable amount of caffeine…  here we go.

(Fifth – sixth sip is the calm before the storm…  the caffeine is slowly kicking my brain. )

Marriage.

Err… I feel awkward but my dream job is actually to be a wedding planner. My close friend is about to get married and he sought my advice. I got nothing serious to say though I mean I cannot even find true love so why share some of my thoughts about marriage without me feeling a little miserable about the thought that I might be alone forever. I’m happy for my friend because at 31 he finally decided to settle down.

(Music is on full blast and my mind is being shaken by caffeine… on to my seventh sip from the cup)

Friends.

My best friend will be leaving the country on the 22nd. I am happy for him because it has been his dream to work in London. He sacrificed a lot and did everything that his family wanted him to do. He lives on his family’s rules and not able to decide on his own. Growing up was so tough that he is full of insecurities despite the strong demeanor that he exudes. It’s a bittersweet feeling tho on my end for I’ll lose my coffee buddy. We talked a lot about our lives, love and career all the time. I guess my weekends and afternoons will never be the same again. I know I’ll be able to manage my life on my own especially when I need a friend whom I can share anything without the fear of being judge and being blunt without the fear of being misunderstood.  Oh well.

( After gazillion sips on my cup… )

Love.

Hey you future partner. I’m waiting for you still.  Whoever you are, wherever you may be I’m still here.  I’m no longer broken but the fixed parts felt so empty.  I can still feel the scars but the memories are no longer painful. I endured a lot for the past years but instead of falling into the pitfall of despair I rose above it all feeling confident that with God, everything will be alright.  I know he hears what my heart desires but everything will unfold at the right time. I’m starting to  be too impatient but I continue to remind myself that good things come to those who wait. I cannot help but ask myself if I’m good enough.  Is it me?  Am I too difficult to love?  Am I not worthy to be love?  Arrrghhhhh…  I’ve woke up into my own realities and it felt so awful knowing you’re not worth the words. I’m not worth the words after years of great friendship. I guess it’s just the way it is…  sucks. 

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Anyways, future partner may you finally find your way to me and that I wish I’m not an ass not to notice you. I guess we’ll both know if the time indeed finally come. I cannot wait for that moment when the independent woman finds his man and finally say these words… “From this moment MY life ends and OURS begin… I love you.

Now…  lunch break is over. Hello reality.

Uncategorized

On Loneliness.

I’m starting to hate being 26 haunted by questions I actually don’t know the answer.

It’s been a while since the last time I write because I choose not to for a thousand reasons you rather not hear but today seems to be different. I heard that voice within me urging my soul to spill my thoughts and uncover my emotions. I guess it’s about time to write what I feel and what I’ve been up to — AGAIN.

Living in a world full of hopes and despair, I must say I’m getting numb each day. I’m irritated if family members start to ask me when I’ll be getting married or when do I plan to have a family of my own given that my mom is getting older and weaker. I get so stressed if they keep on insisting about family life when I don’t even have a boyfriend. God probably gets tired of listening to my daily prayers about finding the one and I’m almost about to give up.

Friends would tell me that the principles I believed in are too old school for women nowadays. Some would tease me if I was born during dinosaurs time. Geez. I know I’m not a prude neither a slut. I think I’m normal but other people find me difficult to understand when it comes to love. I lost a potential lover because he was intimidated by my intelligence and achievements.  To quote him: “She seems to be on a pedestal, her standards are too high.” that was just too awful. I can be tactless sometimes but for people to think I got high standards seem to be too much, I’m not too shallow not to love someone just because I think he’s not good enough for me. That boy was actually any girl’s ideal guy because he is good looking, kind and too nice. He was the perfect guy that got away because I’m such an ass and he just got intimidated.

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http://inspiring-pictures.com/post/137965184140/visit-inspiring-pictures-for-more-life-quotes

Anyways, I’m still single and about to get sick of people asking lame questions why I’m single, why not? 😒 I’m judged for being a reputation freak because all I care about is my reputation when in fact I don’t. I do whatever I want to do thanks for the confidence in myself that I earned each day. Acceptance indeed is the key to a better life.

I had embrace my solitude for I know life is just too short to waste on negative thoughts. I must admit I feel lonely because people expect you to settle down while I’m busy finding myself. I am still looking for a significant income rather than my significant other. I got diverse plans on my mind and settling down seems to be not a priority but having a boyfriend, perhaps.

There are days when I feel so empty. I know it’s been quite a while of being tough and carefree.  Contrary to what people see me, I’m a sucker of love from songs to poetry. I may find it uncool sometimes but having someone you can hug on a tough day is not bad. I long for that boy who will not just fill the void in my heart but someone who would actually complement me. He’ll make me feel the butterflies inside my stomach and inspire me to embrace my flaws each day. I don’t need someone to complete me for I’ve completed myself already.  He’ll smile upon hearing my scars for I’ve battled life victoriously. We’ll fight life’s battles, capture the world’s beauty and enjoy each other’s  company because together we’ll be great. I pray for that day, for me to find that boy who’ll cast all my fears away.

God knows how much I prayed. He knows how much I plead him for that someone. He knows when’s the right time for him to grant my wishes. I got plans but God’s plan is way better than mine. Who am I to doubt?

Again, I’m spending Monday in my room while my thoughts and emotions are overflowing. It’s that time of the year when I’m suffering from mental diarrhea — worst case.

Friends, don’t be sad of the choices you’ve made. People has all the words to say, they will judge you. You’ve got stained reputation and your character will be challenged but never fret especially if you know yourself. I came to an age wherein my past molded me into who I am today and I’ve proud of who I become. I’m proud that I’ve known myself too well and I feel complete today more than the other days of my life. No one can hurt me for I know my alphas and deltas. No one can try to destroy me for I made myself indestructible by criticisms. I know better today.

Loneliness haunt me sometimes especially on February but the feeling just passes by.  I get sad for I don’t have someone I can call on my own,  someone who’ll understand my madness and someone who’ll care for me as much as he loves himself. It’s a nasty feeling, toxic I must say but I know it will pass.  God has plans for me I should not rush.

I’ve let go of my feelings for someone close to me because I’m not the type who tells people how much I value them.  Years have gone so fast and he’s still the same.  I cannot continue to love someone who is lost. I need a complete man to complement the woman I become and I’m more than willing to wait.

I want someone who’ll tell me how much I impacted his life by my presence. I want someone who’ll tell me he’s happy that he met me. I am a woman who still believes that a man should make the first move (quite old school?  Yeah! ).

2015 was one hell of a year, a series of fortunate and unfortunate events. 2016, surprise me!  I’m so ready for you.

And here’s the soundtrack of my 2015…

https://open.spotify.com/track/6Vc5wAMmXdKIAM7WUoEb7N

It’s all over now for this year I have awaken. We’ll be just friends perhaps.

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I felt the loneliness crashing on me when I decided to let go but it’s the best gift I gave myself. What we have was uncertain, no one is brave enough to ask how much we cared for each other. I guess we’ll just be friends. I just got confused. I was too blinded because of you and I let my chances of finding the right one slip away if I continue to believe that what we have we’ll turn into something great. Anyways, you’ll always be the best I never had. 🙂

All is well, cheers for my 2016.

Uncategorized

My Give A Bag Of Hope Experience

I know that it’s been just minutes ago since my last blog entry but I guess I am so compelled to write my thoughts about my Give A Bag of Hope experience last July 6 after watching the video that my friend in Employee Engagement tagged me in Facebook.

Forgive me for being so overly dramatic as of the moment because I am so ugly crying here after watching the video. I hate my 3-am self because I tend to be so emotional. Yuck! 😦

Here’s the link by the way:

Maybe you guys are wondering what is the Give A Bag of Hope is all about. It is actually one way of Convergys to give back to our community by providing school supplies to elementary school students because the company values literacy which is necessary for us to have a brighter future as a nation.

Here’s the link of the #GiveABagofHope project that was launched to all Convergys sites last May 2015 ( another tear jerker) :

This project was really close to my heart that’s why I really joined the campaign and the school activation. I am a firm believer that an educated Filipino is surely a key to a better Philippines.It’s also my way to personally give back because I was able to finish my graduate studies through the aid of Convergys Educational Assistance Program.

Based on the data that was provided in the video, the company was able to give out 17,123 bags and that’s 17,123 students that we were able to change and empower to work on their dreams. While we are on the mission to change other people lives, we were also transformed throughout the experience. For every successful referral, for every salary deduction we pledged and for the school supplies we donated — it was meant for a greater cause. I hope other employees were moved as much as I was moved by this project. It is not just our corporate social responsibility, it is not just empowering our own selves but also helping those kids achieve their dreams. Cliche as it may sound but truly the youth is the hope of our nation.

Sharing some pictures I took during the school activation last July 6 at Bata Elementary School, Bacolod City:

The bag actually includes a note card where employees wrote their messages to the students.

Those genuine smiles and innocent thoughts surely made my heart melt. I love kids because they remind me how life was once simple and less complicated.

I got to say, my charm really works since I was able to build my own “love” team here by convincing everyone to pose with a heart sign. This picture really made me smile because one student actually told me that she does this to show her love. Heartwarming. 🙂

I ❤ my job here. 🙂

The students and teachers of Bata Elementary School.

Mark McMahon, our Give A Bag Of Hope Ambassador thanking our employees for their support and donations. He is actually a model turned into celebrity just recently. I must say he really has a good heart. I can feel his sincerity in helping out unlike others who just simply do it because they are paid to do it. You can really see that what he’s doing is simply out of passion and love for the kids. I wish him well though, that he may be successful in his showbiz career because he really  got what it takes. As I follow his Instagram account, I realized that he reminds me of myself sometimes because I too loves the beach, kids, dogs, cats, also a November kid and simply enjoys the chill life — he is soooo me.  I think we’ll be great friends. **winks**

HAHAHAHAHAHA a lot of employees went gaga over him while I went gaga after stalking him in IG a day after he left Bacolod. 😍

Mark with our operations managers and cluster heads.

Mark with the support team and the team leaders.

Mark with my awesome team! ( yeah, I know I am so biased!)

It sucks to admit but it’s just so damn hard to leave this bunch of crazies. I really enjoyed being part of our Employee Engagement team. 🙂

I guess I made my decision. I will no longer take the Organizational Development manager opening in one of the biggest sugar industry corporation in the country but instead endure my life as a Team Leader in the company that changed me into a more mature and empowered individual. I might need more years of experience in a supervisory and managerial position before I take the leap to a major career change. I know I have been a whiner and secretly ranting in my head how my life sucks and how my work sucks but actually it’s not the worst. I am actually blessed to have a decent job that pays my bills, a job that gives back to the less fortunate and a job that helps me transform other people’s lives. I think I am not ready to retire yet after my 5 years stint. I still have the patience to endure the pressure of hitting our client valued metrics in order to satisfy the expectations of our clients. When everything seems to be awful and tiring, I will just remind myself how awesome it is to be part of Employee Engagement which actually has the huge factor in my decision. I love my life as an EE champion and I am proud to be part of Convergys Bacolod Employee Engagement Team! 🙂

And lastly… I am also proud to be a Convergys Leader!

My Give A Bag Of Hope Experience really had a huge impact in my decision to stay. Let’s give it a shot until the year ends then we’ll try seeking for opportunities once again. I know, I know… I am such a hard-headed individual or should I say a coward because I won’t take that chance for a major life change. Nah, I am still young, so better yet enjoy the learning process! Peter Pan Complex ON! 🙂