personal

Day 7: On Tempers and Rages

Yes, you’re seeing a deliciously angry looking pizza.

Day 7 is not on the list of topics that I need to write about because I’m trying to customize it into something personal to me rather than follow a series of theme everyday.

To start off, temper means something neutralizing and rage is fury gone loose. On why I wanted to talk about it is that one, it’s interesting and relevant. Second, the pizza looks like me — nice in general but when triggered can turn into an evil bitch from Wakanda. Everyday we encounter circumstances or people that get into our nerves ( please read my other blog post about things that annoy me here: What Annoys Me ) yet we still discern our feelings and think as rational as possible. I throw fits and almost kill annoying people in my mind. I mean if I confront them from being annoying that would make me look like a fool. It’s so biased and inhumane for me to do so. Human as we are, we are accompanied by myriad of emotions everyday yet we were given the gift of reason to act wisely. Some may involved in serious problems just because they let their emotions take over their rationality. Pity those fools for they let their inner bitches took over their life and now they are stained.

Anyways, rage is dangerous. I would admit that I sometimes find myself acting stupid just because I’m furious. I started raging when I learned how to drive and being in the road requires not just mental alertness but tantamount of patience before you start shooting assholes. I mean, being caught in a traffic and having someone cutting you off while you safely drive can sometimes be infuriating. I had one instance wherein a motorcycle driver shoved his middle finger up high just because I slowed down to let kids cross and caught up in a very difficult situation because a passenger jeep just stopped in front of me. I got no better choice and he hated me for slowing down because he was driving so fast. I got mad I stepped on the pedal trying to rush over the traffic and just want to blow horns at him or probably squeeze his bird brain. I must say my inner bitch took over my sanity for 10 seconds and realized that my life is too precious for me to waste on stupid people. I must say I’m learning to control the evil in me and just let it go. I need 10 seconds of silence and a quick prayer to regain back my senses.

Frustrations and work stress also add up to my mood swings and getting a massage weekly to relax is so expensive but I’m still willing to pay for it just because I value my mental health. Regardless of all these feelings we feel, our mind should always overpower those raging emotions. Our temper can sometimes make or break us.

In case you feel aggravated by a situation, take a step back and breathe. Never let your tongue say anything you’ll regret, never do anything that can hurt others and never let other people’s anger become your anger.

I always remind myself that no matter what… Be the bigger person. 😇

personal

Day 6: Explain Your Current Relationship

On day 6 of this blogging challenge, I’ll share about my current relationship.

I’m no longer single and the dramas I wrote before is just part of history where I learned a lot and cringe upon every time I read about my ramblings. Life is different now knowing I got someone I can totally depend on. It’s not perfect I must say as we have different opinions on a lot of things that can sometimes cause us arguments or disagreements. Our personalities are almost the same in quite areas but mine is probably stronger but despite on me being hard-headed, I always find myself listening to him.

I like to see him smile and his smile can calm me from the stress and pain that I feel. I value the time he spent on me and just being there. I do sometimes wish he’s a guy full of surprises or the romantic one because I must say he is an ultimate fail in romance and sweet stuff.

He is my kind of happy now. I remembered when we’re just starting to get to know each other and I’ve got numerous list of doubts and how my mind fed me with all the negativities this relationship has… I was terrified to be hurt all over again because I don’t know if I can still make it especially with the other problems I got. My mind has been a hellish place to be and being caught up in confusion is just “deathrifying”. It was a rough start, an offroad course only those who trust most can survive and now we’re off to better roads. We can’t deny the roadblocks and detours our relationship may have but we’re both game to what adventure awaits us. As long as we put out trust in each other even if we travel on separate roads, our love will still lead us together. I hope so. We both have dreams we long to achieve and all we need is a strong motivation to keep going… to keep on doing the best that we can to achieve our heart’s desire. All the effort today is bound to a greater future.

I’m glad I gave him the chance to prove his worth. I’m glad that he never gave up on me despite my stubborness. Everything is totally new to me at first, texting or dropping messages of my whereabouts and quitting my weekend “walwal” sessions to survive each week’s routine. It feels better now compared to the days where I have my own self doubts and fears of getting old alone with no one to love me.

I pray that this will be a forever kind of love story and if not I hope I’ll keep on believing in love as much as I’ve believed in this relationship. All we need is love to be better… always.❤

Here’s a link of my previous blog post rehashing why I love this guy: About Us.

personal

Day 5: Share Your Thoughts About Alcohol

I am not a prude. I’ve got my own fair share of alcohol memories and so far most of them are plainly hilarious. On Day 5 of this blogging challenge, I will share my favourite alcoholic beverage and the best memories behind those blurry nights.

Life without alcohol might have ended too early because during my early twenties I can’t find the best solution to my blues except spending late nights with friends and ended up with extreme hang-O the day after. It’s been a weekly routine, I got addicted to the fun that it brings that it gave hope to me each day for I’m looking forward to another crazy weekend. It made life bearable even if I got to face daily shits I don’t have any idea on how to handle.

Some people would say alcohol is not the answer to one’s problem and neither milk nor cola can make you feel better. I can still recall the memories and it can still make me laugh. Remembering those moments make me happy and I would love to experience it all over again.

In my late twenties, I must say that I’m now drinking occasionally. I rather choose sleep than be out with friends and grooving the night away. I’m done with those blurry nights with drunk friends. Apart from the happy memories, I’ve got my own fair share of terrors and miseries. I got heartbroken and all the false hopes killed me once. I don’t know how I was able to move on but I am happy that I did.

Drink responsibly, they say.

personal

Day 4: How To Be An Asshole

Hi.

This post is not suitable for young audiences who were not exposed to life… Yet.

I am an asshole I know but my arrogance depends on the person I talked to. If suddenly I changed towards you, you definitely did something that pissed me off. I’m not the confrontational type of person. I know how people sometimes tend to justify their actions for us to forgive or understand them but it’s not that same scenario all the time. I only take time to those who’ve proven their worth and if it comes to a point that there will be arguments, I take time to listen rather than walk away because I know they are special to me at least once in my life.

Going back on how to become an asshole topic… I believe that it is an art. You see, I’ve never been so creative in my ways to become one. I don’t make other people’s lives feel like hell but I give those a taste of their own medicine — those who tends to feel superior above the rest. Let me share some tips on how to be that arrogant bitch people hate ( those bitches who are full of themselves) … just because we need to set borders sometimes and not being abused by those who thinks they can manipulate others at their own expense. Nobody can trash me because I don’t give people that chance to make me feel less of a person.

Let me share how I make other people feel that I am not interested in what they are saying because I won’t give them the attention that they want… because they are the real assholes btw.

  • I rarely talk to people I dont like. I don’t bother to say hi… AT ALL. Unless of course if they say hi so I’ll say hi politely, I’m not really the evil person you think I am.
  • Stop hanging out with people who makes you feel less of yourself and those who drains your positive energy. Be with people who makes you feel comfortable and happy.
  • Roll your eyes. It’s kind of triggering but you feel better after doing so. Life can sometimes be so stressful so who cares if you see your brains for 5 seconds
  • Learn to say NO. Stop saying yes to invites that are not your thing and doing stuff out of compliance. Life sucks if you can’t stand for yourself.
  • Stop depending on other people in making decisions. Know what you can bring to the table and don’t be afraid to eat alone. You are the captain of your ship, don’t let other people dictate the life you need to live.
  • Say what you want to say. Do what you need to do. You can’t sugarcoat your words just because you don’t want to hurt other people. If you need to say it to make them realize how they suck then say it. God won’t throw you to hell just because you were blatantly honest. I swear your honesty will go a long way.
  • Stop engaging in mindless small talks just because you are expected to do so. Learn to walk away from those who talk about other people’s lives and are full of themselves.
  • Accept failures and have limited f*cks in life. You see, the more you care about the details and expect more, the more you feel bad if things don’t go your way. Regardless of the outcome, all you need to do is learn from it and care for those who matter the most.

This how to be an asshole list doesn’t intend to make you a person the whole world hates. The point is for you to be able to stand on your own without being influenced by others who can manipulate you. You need to be strong and at the same time able to define your being in order for you to accomplish all items listed. You see, it takes lots of guts to be an asshole. It’s not an easy feat but I want you to be the better asshole, that one person who won’t let other people dictate his/her own happiness and conform to what the society expects you to be.

personal

Day 3: What Annoys Me

I missed to blog about Day 3 last Wednesday because I’m out of town and been so busy prepping for our team building. Signal sucks so I just enjoyed life away from the internet. I know I’ve got a challenge to face so no worries I’ll make sure that I’ll have 30 blog posts or more before the challenge ends and I definitely mean it.

Lately I’ve been listening to Wake Up with Jim and Saab, totally hooked into it because they’re such a cool couple. How they treat each other reminds me of my relationship with my love, John Paul. On day 3 of this blogging challenge, I want to simply blab and share what annoys me on a regular basis. This is pretty much interesting. In no particular order…

  • Loud and boisterous people – I hate people who are too loud and are attention-seekers. I am annoyed by how they try so hard to be noticed which I don’t give a damn on a normal day. Hearing those attention seekers piss me off big time. I just hate being around them because I’ve got the tendency to roll my eyes.
  • Hypocrites – those who acts nice but a total bitch. Sad to say they can sometimes be acquaintances, colleagues or worst, your friend. I can’t stand being with them because they are the best pretenders. They can also play victim and make you the bad person. Ugh.
  • Slow internet connection – oh yeah, who likes slow internet nowadays?
  • Stupid questions – I am sorry if I tend to be sarcastic sometimes in answering stupid and lame questions wherein the answers are obvious. It’s so annoying when they ask questions when the answer was already stated in an email, a resource tool or discussed already.
  • Traffic – being caught in a traffic jam while you’re excited to go home or in a hurry to go to work sucks. I’ve been caught up in a traffic once this year and that 30-40 minute travel home ended up 3 hours. I swear I was about to lose my sanity. My feet and hands were so tired plus my mind is so exhausted trying to keep the patience intact.
  • Late – I hate waiting that is why I prefer to be late sometimes. It annoys me when I get to wait for too long may it be a person, an event or a flight.
  • Know It Alls – The arrogance and the confidence they exude make me sick. Those people just get into my nerves and I already killed them in my mind. It’s like cursing silently while smirking at them when they try to show off their not so intelligent opinions about current affairs. F*ck off!
  • Clay Go – I don’t get it why some folks don’t clean as they go when there’s a huge signage in front of them stating to CLEAN AS YOU GO. Are you stupid or something? To add, those people who can’t shoot their trash in the nearest garbage bins and those who just throw their garbage anywhere they want to. I apologize if I’m too anal about this but it just pisses me off.
  • Humidity – I hate feeling sticky because it bothers me big time. I cannot focus because all I want during that moment is a long shower.
  • Alarm – well yeah, my alarm clock annoys me because I want to sleep as much as I want to and not be forced to wake up because I got to work. The alarm that won’t stop ringing because some folks forced open the door drives me nuts.

It ain’t over though as I have a lot of pet peeves I missed to share on this post but it’ll just bore you. Thanks for reading!

personal

Day 2: My Goals For The Next 30 Days

*drum rolls*

Finally Day 2 and I admit it I’m lazy to blog but I have to. I owe this to myself and it’s a challenge I need to withstand no matter what.

Anyways, let’s start this one off by doing a list of to-do’s before I turn 30 – 1. Ugh.

  1. Enjoy my team building tomorrow October 24 and make sure that all games I planned will be administered.
  2. Eat that salted caramel praline cake something in Felicia’s.
  3. Pay my credit card dues.
  4. Pay my car’s insurance.
  5. Write a poem.
  6. Write 10 haikus owed to be published in WordPress.
  7. Work on better promotions in my Lookah page. Yeah, I sell clothes.
  8. Eat with Bae at a Korean/Japanese/Vietnamese restaurant.
  9. Lose 2kg of excess fat.
  10. Pick a metallic colored braces.
  11. Watch and take a snapshot of a beautiful sunset.
  12. Be the top team lead. *grins then rofl*
  13. Pass my scorecard this fiscal >4.50
  14. Not be late at work. *grins*
  15. Finish reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
  16. Declutter my messy Gmail inbox.
  17. Upload my travel pictures and blog about some of it.
  18. Finish this 30-day challenge and celebrate.
  19. Buy a new cellphone case.
  20. Finish another Querkles masterpiece.
  21. Finish my audits at work before the deadline.
  22. Go to a beach or a place that is serene and beautiful.
  23. Put up a Christmas Tree.
  24. Clean my room and throw away unnecessary stuff.
  25. Make use of my sewing machine and buy sewing stuff.
  26. Listen to more Wake Up with Jim and Saab podcasts just because they are awesome.
  27. Watch movie with my favourite person, John Paul.
  28. Dine out with friends.
  29. Visit Tito and Daddy in the cemetery.
  30. Celebrate Boogie’s first anniversary and probably have him blessed.

That’s all I can think of right now. May the odds be in my favor and achieved all these plans. Lists keep me excited and ticking them off makes me feel accomplished. 😊

personal

Blogging Challenge Day 1: Share Where You See Yourself In 10 Years

It’s been a while since the last time I blogged my thoughts. Honestly, I tried hard to write, tried even harder to sum up my ideas and ended up in despair. It’s that time of the year again where I suffer from occasional writer’s block, a lame reason I made up to justify my laziness. I need to gather my thoughts and write something sensible or should I say personal just like what I’ve been doing for almost a decade here in WordPress.

Today I challenged myself to write again just because I want to do something special 30 days before I turn 29. Birthday blues are brewing within my system but work life keeps my mind too preoccupied that it has no time to be sad. I searched some topics online to somehow keep me alive in the field I am pretty much interested into and found some son called cure. I got this idea from Pinterest and I’m excited to start my own but I’ll somehow tweak it a bit. I won’t follow Katy’s suggestion on what needs to go first, I rather make up my own list and survive this one-month of cerebral journey.

Thanks to KatyWidrick.com

Day 1 is supposed to be a quick run through of my current relationship status but I don’t feel that topic to jump start this list of thoughts. I want to share more of myself and my goals for the next 10 years because by then I’ll be 38 and that’s pretty old. 👵

Dear God, I see myself as a materialistic asshole with this list I made and please forgive me as it is still a work in progress:

  1. Driving a pick-up or an SUV off-road somewhere with friends or family just because it’s weekend.
  2. Graduating with another post grad degree probably in Psychology or finishing Law School and be an attorney.
  3. Travelling to more places internationally… ( Singapore, Japan, Indonesia, Malaysia, Europe, Thailand, Hongkong, Taiwan and more…)
  4. Being with my love in Palawan, Siargao and Batanes as well as arguing on what stories we’ll start publishing and sorting out our ideas on what to do, where to go next
  5. Getting promoted at work and developing my skills or finally resigning to get a job that would enhance my skillset and make me work outside of my comfort zone. I am interested into strategic management and corporate planning but I also wanna go away from traditional and rigid way of implementing processes.
  6. Building a huge following in Instagram and engaging more people to appreciate poetry and photography. I might as well try spoken poetry.
  7. Publishing a coffee table book that includes my haikus and poems.
  8. Having a big birthday celebration for my mom and be with her most of the time. I just want her to always remember my name.
  9. Getting married and having 2-3 kids.
  10. Being financially free and live a comfortable life.

The list goes on as time passes by but I want to go back to this post one day to check if I was able to work on my plans. I even sent a copy of this to myself via FutureMe.org to review after a decade.

It’s refreshing to feel a little bit of pressure after a long time. I never wanted to force myself to write but I got to, I need to. Coming up with this post is nerve wracking but I’m glad I was able to finish this with a joy in my heart. This is just the start of something new.

Thanks for visiting! 💓

personal

What Bothers Me.

At 28, where did life take me? I paused as I watched the orange skies melt into darkness.

I watched in awe.

First wave of birthday blues taking its toll and I’m feeling exuberant rather than depressed. I guess it’s about time.

I looked at my Linked profile and updated it, finally adding “,MBA” after my name. I knew the effort I put into my graduate school degree and it was not easy. I must say I took it seriously and even got depressed when I had to deal with a drama I’ll never forget for the rest of my life. I had my fair share of being awarded but after a couple of years I started to appreciate myself. Not all are given the opportunity to be recognized as part of the President’s list, a feat that I was not even proud of.

Today, I watched the skies change its color and I then said… It’s about time.

I’ve been a victim of a feedback loop and simply got stuck in a world I choose to live. A world I loved but a world of unexplored potential. I knew that things should change in promptu. So I let the breeze remind me how beautiful to live and how sad it is to not make use of my own skillset and be at my own prime.

You see, I have a lot of plans. I know that if I pursue something I truly love then I’ll totally succeed. But what do I really love?

There’s a lot of plans and I honestly don’t know where to start.

  • I graduated BS Computer Science with a major interest in web design, game development and animation.
  • I had my Master’s degree in Business Administration with a huge interest on stock markets, marketing, entrepreneurship and strategic management.
  • I passed my Philsat examination to study Law because I wanted to help out on cybercrimes and civil cases.
  • My sudden interest in clothes makes me want to study fashion design and cosmetology.
  • The desire to explore and understand the human mind wanted me to pursue a career in Psychology.
  • Photography and video editing have been a desire I wanted to pursue but got no budget to buy my own gadgets. This goes hand in hand to my desire in traveling to new places.
  • To write my heart out and be a renowned poet of my generation. I wanted to publish a coffee table book before I die.

I wanted to pursue my desires on various fields and I seriously don’t know where to start but I got to start somewhere. I need to do something today to achieve my dreams and be the person I am destined to be.

What bothers me is the lack of push to walk towards my desires. I know I’ve got plans but making it into reality is a constant struggle.

inspirational, life, personal

Only You Can Save Yourself.

People like me is pretty much hard to understand and I won’t deny that. It’s not easy to make me talk unless I am very comfortable with you. I am not the loudest person in the room for I am associated as the quiet one, the one who simply observes and most of the time is on day dreaming mode.

I am not surprised if people would name me names or hate me. Honestly, I don’t give a damn. At this point of my life, I stopped caring on what others would actually say about me. Say whatever you want to say it’s a free world. Opinions do matter if you let it matter. If it’s not essential for your growth then trash it — seriously.

I know who I am (and still evolving, still self discovering).

Time taught me to choose battles that are worth fighting. If it won’t matter 365 days from now then why bother spending 60 seconds of my time worrying about it. I tried my best to understand most people and sometimes too much trust can lead to abuse. And yes, I learned it the hard way. I learned to walk out of toxic friendships and situations.

I chose to be happy.

Through the years I’ve became independent and made big decisions that were life changing. There are days when I looked back on how I’ve struggled on too many things and distractions yet I survived. Countless times of begging to God to take my life because of the tremendous pain that I feel; of all the failures that drowned me; of all the doubts that haunted me; and all the fears that crippled me. It wasn’t an easy feat to stand once again and make the world a better place when I have the option to make it hell for others.

I stopped talking because no one will ever understand. I stopped sharing to a lot of people because I know they won’t take that seriously or worst will just take it against me. Instead, I opened my mind and accepted that it’s just the way it is — people will disappoint you all the time but you can’t whine about it and expect them to shower you with love and kisses. I can’t be too ideal on my relationships to others as much as I also want to be one’s ideal friend. That’s next to impossible, I must say.

Mental health and its horrors are not that easy to talk about in this society full of standards and stereotypes. Talk to people who will surely listen, who will not give you the solution but help you out to be better. Hearing nice words and compliments won’t make a depressed person better, they want to hear that no matter what will happen you’re there on their side of the spectrum. Yeah, you hear me right and that’s also respecting their decision to cease their own life. It’s not your battle and you don’t know what’s going on inside them. You may state your thoughts about the situation but don’t provide solutions and force it. Trust me, don’t. Just don’t.

(pause for a minute)

.

.

.

Think of a long road trip to nowhere.

.

.

.

Selfish people will hold you down and will tell you that it’s scary and might probably let you go but with road maps, phone, drawn directions, emergency contact numbers and a handy pepper spray. My point is that they wanted you to be safe. It’s selfish because they simply don’t want to lose you and just want to keep you safe even if you’re too full of the world and want to escape. On the other hand, those who loved deeply will just let you go and will let you enjoy the journey. No trackers, no self defense stuff and probably won’t really require you a knapsack for your clothes. Some people might think that these folks never cared about you but in reality they are the ones who cared more.

What I am saying is that, I grew up in a world full of love and happiness. Too dreamy but it was my reality. My dad is amazing and my mom, although strict is as equally amazing as my father. My uncle who has been supportive and been proud of who I became during my early years was also awesome. They did protect and discipline me yet hold me accountable of my actions/decisions during the whole course of my teenage life. There were days I felt they didn’t even trust me because they sound condescending at times but eventually I realized that they were just afraid that I might get lost in this world full of bad decisions to make.

Even if I am too shy to share my struggles to them, I know that they will support me no matter what and that made me persevered to be better. The trust my parents gave me paved way to me achieving things I never thought of reaching. The goals are growing so as my drive. Depression bottled up inside me for a lot of factors and still haunts me sometimes. Also, losing some of my life’s VIPs just worsen the situation.

Several breakdowns and lone moments were experienced ages ago but I kept going.

I can still recall the days I cried and wished to just simply die. I woke up with a heavy heart and looked at my bedroom wall with suicidal thoughts in mind. It was a lonely journey.

… but also a beautiful one.

Quarter life crisis hit me and the journey of self discovery happened. One fine day when frustrations built up, I booked myself a flight to Cebu. I was 22 then. It was my first time to travel alone and my fear that it will be my last became my nirvana, my sanity break. So, whenever life hits me hard, I go. I go to new places to breathe and explore the world on a different perspective. It makes me feel normal and a totally different person. I am who I am and I am at my happiest.

The beaches were my sanctuary. The blue skies comfort my soul and the sunsets I experienced make me want to live each day a little longer. I am hoping to feel that same moment of awe and gratefulness all over again thus my wanderlust won’t cease to exist.

I never wanted to be understood for I’ve understand that not all will empathise on the choices I made. If I don’t want to be in your circle then I won’t force myself to fit in. I am a free person with an opinionated mind, a mouth who simply shuts up whenever I have nothing good to say ( unless I am drunk or something) and a heart full of love to the broken ones.

I know I cannot save everybody but I still want to save most.

I treat people based on how they treat me and others. I give too many chances to some. I burn bridges and never restore it. I battle fights worth battling and I keep those people of value who’ve prove their worth over time. There are the ones I love to be with and have earned my trust; those who deserve to see my laughters; my crazy side; the one who talks non-stop and jokes around until your stomach hurts. I show myself to those who kept me sane over the years and for friendships that have stood the test of time and transcends wherever we may be.

Lastly, I want to thank people who’ve come and go in my life for you’re those that I exactly need to be in my journey. We may or may not be part of each other’s lives anymore but you folks where the ones I need to grow and be who I am today. I can’t thank you enough( swearing to God I am not being sarcastic). I learned a lot through the years and I’ve been mature in dealing with this. One realization struck me a few months ago though — after all that I’ve been through and all the reckless decisions I made, only I can save myself.

personal

What Depression Looks Like.

P. S. :This post stayed in my drafts for almost a month.

After Chester Bennington took his life, I never have that urged to write again about depression. It is a sensitive topic to talk about because people say a lot of things about it that just hurts me instead of being uplifted. This is actually far worst than any illness. It is your body, your mind that is haunting you and no matter how you want to escape it, it lingers until you find the best solution — death.

Seeing my Twitter feed as celebrities and other personalities talked about Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade’s death, I felt that sudden gush of pain from the left side of my chest. It’s crushing. It’s horrifying. It’s getting real as time passes by that even the wealthy, the great and the renowned are also suffering. We heard a lot of news but we still don’t put too much care about it. It’s either we don’t need to meddle into someone else’s battle, just leave it as it is — a phase in that person’s life he needs to overcome or push him to seek medical help. What if it’s already too late?

Depression does not have a face. It can be anyone, your parents, your sibling, your best friend, your partner or your colleagues. It is that moment when the world no longer excites you and you just want to rest from the agony of existing. The war of emotions, the ultimate decision. Your end.

Take me back years ago when I almost took my own life. I’ve got a lot of issues to face. I bid goodbye to my princess life and got my own dose of reality. I don’t know what to do. It’s hard to let go of that status quo knowing you don’t have money left in the bank. I need to find a living after I graduated college but finding a good job didn’t make me feel any better. A lot of issues rose up and I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore. I even asked God why is he doing this to me when all these years I just did what I can to be better. I never did anything to harm other people, I showed compassion. It was series of breakdowns and lonely nights — a sudden feeling to end it all. I tried to slash my wrist way back in college but just a mere attempt made me feel stupid. This is not how I supposed to end my problems. I tried to think of hanging myself but seeing my uncle and mom gushing over my achievements made me feel guilty. It was a constant battle of the mind and my heart and of people I’ll leave behind. I thought the wanting to die feeling would stop until one day I hit rock bottom. The gun could have save me from the pain I’m feeling that moment but never from the best moments that came after. It was one sunny day when existential crisis hit me. Financial issues and dreams not coming up into realization. I was 24 with quarter life crisis and facing some legal issues for the family. I am exhausted of everything. I remembered texting a friend who said to stop whatever it is that I’m planning to do. We talked about mental health and how he conquered it, I felt better after knowing someone understands. He was 28, I was 24. Alcohol helped me. The constant weekend parties and hang outs, the crazy life juggling between a promotion and graduate school. The mind was too preoccupied to think about suicide.

I thought I’ll be fine…. But it didn’t stop there.

Months passed by and I was able to hurdle it all and I feel accomplished then my uncle who acts as my second dad died. It was devastating.

I embraced my darkness and cooed my demons. I am the happiest friend in the group. The joker, the person full of positivity and life. The one who wears her mask so good that nobody knew about that side that haunts her every night. I stared on my bedroom walls not knowing what will make me feel better and complete. I wonder if others feel this way too every night. It was the emptiness that depresses me, it’s existing without a purpose. It’s surviving each day feeling no sense of accomplishment.

I achieved a lot of things in my student life. I expected more from myself. I invested for myself. I know I got no one else to back myself up. I wrote my pains. I wrote poetry that calms my soul. I wrote but never talked about depression because some people’s opinions are stupid. I don’t need praises and compliment. I need a solution perhaps a diversion. I know I can still manage except last year when the feeling came more frequently. I asked my closest friend about the best psychiatrist in the city. He suggested but told me that it depends if it’s a good idea or not. You are the only person who can help yourself.

I went back on those moments that I’m glad I’m alive. Travelling. Seeing new places excite me — places that I know nothing about. Walking around and feeling the world. It’s so beautiful to be in a strange place. I realized that toxins come from a place of comfort. The mind needs to be reminded sometimes.

We are the ones who can help ourselves. Rise above your demons and continue the faith. Those who ended their battles aren’t coward, they are the strong ones to cease their existence. I envy them but I know that I’m still resilient enough to survive. There’s more to life as cliche as it sounds.

I am my own warrior and training my mind to be tough is an achievement so far. I focused my mind to stand up each time I fall. I tried and tried to exist regardless if it’s pointless anymore. I strengthen my faith. I kept on believing in God and when all else fails I let him take all my burdens and calm my mind. I wake up each day wishing to see more sunsets and sunrises on a different country. I don’t want to wait for the day when I’m battling my own life not because of my own demons but an illness that will halt me from achieving the things I desire. I wanted to be freed from the chains I created and remain resilient in facing life.

Depression has no face. You can’t even sense it from afar but watch for this signs I got from Ten Characteristics of Perfectly Hidden Depression:

I got 14 yes in the questionnaire. Might as well try this and see for yourself : Perfectly Hidden Depression Questionnaire

I know that I have depression since high school. I know the sadness and emptiness are not normal. It’s the battle of doing my best. I’ve been too idealistic then but now I’m coping up with the real world. A lot of stuff frustrates me but I keep on training my mind to go on.

Life is interesting and I always remind myself that the bad things that are happening is just a phase that will make me appreciate it more. Success never been that sweet if you know you’ve worked hard for it. Happiness will never be special if you didn’t experience sadness. You just need to open your mind to endless possibilities and that can help us to live each day one day at a time. Goals help me be inspired even if my goal can sometimes be stupid as it sounds.

Again, depression has no face. You’ll never know when it’ll strike but you just need to fight your own self to achieve the things you desire. Believe me it’s tough, it’s frustrating but it can be worth it.