life, personal

The Will To Live.

Have you ever felt so tired after conquering all the challenges life offered you? I do.

Last April 6, my mother had her first heart attack. As of this writing she’s still in the ICU recuperating after her pacemaker surgery. I’m currently broke with all my savings went off to hospital bills and I borrowed a huge amount of money to pay for the surgery but it isn’t enough. I honestly feel like shit right now with piles of problems waving at me. I sometimes ask God why me, why? The pain lingered and kept on haunting me. This is far most the stressful week of my entire existence.

April 8 another heart attack haunted us followed by another last April 9 until April 10 when the doctors decide to make use of a defibrillator to revive her. The family convened to see her, I even bid my own farewell and accepted in my heart that maybe it’s her time to rest and be with Daddy and God but her will to live was so remarkable that even her doctors and nurses are amazed on how she’s able to survive massive heart attacks.

She is a fighter and her will to live is truly amazing.

On the other hand, I’m being haunted by a lot of thoughts. All these events for the past days are daunting. The demons in my head are feasting on my weakness and I can’t be with my thoughts for long. No matter what other people tell me to be strong and steadfast no matter what, I still feel like nothing. A future full of void and darkness, an unpurposeful life is showing. I pray, I prayed and will continue on praying to see the light in this journey. I don’t want to be crippled again by my own thoughts and succumbed to depression. Sometimes I’m thinking if I’ll be mad after this with all of the thoughts rushing in my head. I can’t be alone for long.

My mother kept on going while my own fire is about to go out. I pray for strength. I pray for the pain to end. I pray for wisdom.

I also want to say thank you to all the people who’ve helped us out. For family members who took time to visit, chat to check omand support us in these dreaded times, for friends who shared their help monetarily, for Tita Annabelle Panton who helped out a huge amount to make the surgery possible and for her contacts who also shared and for friends who’ve let me borrow huge amount of money to pay for our hospital bills. I feel so grateful to have great people as friends who treated me more than family. Friends who visited to remind me that I need to be strong and lastly for John Paul, my love who stayed with me in these desperate days of my life and kept me sane when I’m about to give up.

I don’t know if this is my life’s turning point. I know I’m extremely exhausted. I lay all the burden to God. I’m dead broke with huge amount of credit waiting to be paid. I don’t know how to start over again after all of this but I need to be strong, I know I need to be strong.

I hope someday life will be okay after this. I still need a huge help as of the moment. I still need to raise P80,000 to pay for the surgery and for the hospital bills. I beg to those who have a kind heart to help me out and save my mom. If her will to live is stronger then mine should be on that level too.

Account Name: Sharon Carol Lamb

BDO Account: 0045-2007-9112

BPI Account: 1399-1671-98

I’m an only child and I have no one to help me out in paying all the bills so I am begging for help to those who have a kind heart to support us in this journey. Any amount will surely go along way. Thank you so much.

Pray for us and for our family. I hope we’ll be able to survive this challenge.

personal

The Saturation Point.

Definition of saturation point

: the point at which there are so many of a thing that no more can be added successfully

Thanks Merriam Webster for defining saturation point. It’s actually a term used in Chemistry when the substance has no more chance to absorb or dissolve. It has reached a point in its life when you’re already able to maximize what needs to be maximize and things are no longer that interesting unlike before. I guess I’ve reached my own life’s saturation point.

Today, I’ve got this desire to write what has been bothering me for the past months. I feel like I’m stuck in a loop where I’m trying to pretend that I’m fine when totally I’m not. It has been a constant struggle of not knowing what I really want in life. I feel that everyday for the past years I’m killing my self slowly for not taking risks in pursuing what my heart desires for the sake of practicality. I feel like I’m my own prisoner.

What moved me to write is this article I stumbled upon in Facebook and it made me cry. I’ve been crying a lot lately. I cried several times inside the car prior to going to work. I cried after I wake up because I knew that I’ll deal with another shitty day in the office. I cried on my way home hating the stress I feel in the office. I cried my way to sleep because I’m too frustrated with everything that is going on with my career life as it is starting to affect the other aspects of my life. It’s ruining my relationship to people. It changes my mood very quick and I can snap on simple questions being asked. I’ll deal with people who kept on repeating same mistakes after I coach them. People who tend to let their common sense die sometimes because “this job pays me right even if I don’t do it right”. I need to deal with the things I am no longer passionate about just because it pays my bills and feeds my family. It’s one of the most miserable feeling in the world; to get up, show up and do what is expected from you.

I’ve lost hours each day doing the mundane things which I no longer find value. I feel like I’m rotten inside with no more growth awaits me. I listen to motivational podcasts upon going to work to psych my mind but it all boils down to one thing, do whatever that makes you happy. I am not happy with where I am right now. You can’t settle for less when you know you can still max out yourself.

Going back to the article, I must say it was definitely right. It’s like an article solely written for me at this point of my life.

“We are so terrified by the idea of moving on, because we feel like we just can’t move on and leave things behind. We sacrifice our own being, our own happiness. We choose to compromise all these because we choose to stay, when we should really be moving on, moving forward.”

— Thought Catalog: If You’re Unhappy With Your Life, It’s Your Responsibility To Change It by Dian Tinio

Link to article

“If you’re unhappy with your job, quit. If you feel like, you’re no longer growing, no longer learning, if you’re no longer productive, if you’re only clocking in and out every single day – then move. If you’re constantly stressing over the fact that it drains you mentally, physically and emotionally, then move. If you’re thinking of just sticking with that job that never fails to suck your joy because it pays the bills and you might be “promoted” there and can call yourself “successful” and “happier” – NO. Your happiness does not depend on your success. Your success actually depends on your happiness. If you think there are new opportunities, new places, new things you can explore and will contribute to your soul and to your individual growth, then go there. If it’s worth your time thinking, then it’s worth trying. No one’s too old to try. Whether it ends good or bad, it’s still an experience. Let’s not forget that every experience teaches us a valuable lesson that we might never learn if we choose otherwise.”

I feel that I am more than what I do now. Almost nine years of nonstop working and dramas being tolerated over the years, I’ve reached this point when I’m full of it already. I’m tired of doing same things. I’m tired of complying. I’m tired of being stuck in this loophole with no assurance of a great future. My life should begin now and I’ve dedicated almost nine years of my life to a place that I must say had mold me to be a better leader. I’ve been resilient enough to face the challenges but standing still is not enough when you know for a fact that you are born to do wonders.

I kept on looking back and I am too afraid to jump into a new career path. I’ve been playing safe because I fear to fail again knowing my finances will be jeopardize. I am not depressed and wants to kill myself just because my life is a complete mess, in fact I want to LIVE. I feel that I need to revamp my life but the big question there is where and when to start?

I know I need to make things happen now… But how?

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Time Check: 5:04 AM Thoughts

It’s 5 am and I’m wide awake. I can hear the wind howling outside and I’m now imagining how cold it is right now if I go out. I turned off the lights in my room to feel the coldness of my soul and here I am chilling.

2019 started and a lot has happened. I probably got too preoccupied with a lot of stuff that the sadness I felt didn’t bother me. The frequent nightmares added up to my daily stress and I spent time deciphering the point of those nightmares and some people of the past that taunts me. I guess my dreams reminded me of some fears I never wanted to face — the truth. This year I’ll be turning 30 and it scares the hell out of me knowing that all my plans screwed up back when I was 15 years old. So I’m 29, no luxury car, no profitable business, no mansion, no kids and never been to Cancun, Mexico. I didn’t pursue my programming career and got stuck in the BPO industry that pays my bills. I celebrate my highs and learn from my lows but still I feel like shit on several occasions. I think people live this way… they keep going no matter how crappy life goes. We get used to this feels of being not the person we imagined to be. We thrive still because of our goals but regardless of what we need to chase, we are still humans susceptible to all kinds of pain and despair.

In general, my life is okay. I know I should be grateful but there are those days when I just feel a little meh. Insomnia bothers me, the cold mornings I need to face each day just to go to work and feel like shit sometimes. It’s like working for the sake of money. My heart is dead. My brain shuts off. I wanted to give up but my bank account and bills are cursing me to fix myself or else everything will be screwed up and I might just kill myself all of a sudden. I don’t have a better choice.

There are days when I make myself believe that humans are wired that way, never contented. Maybe that’s why I wanted more when in fact I already have a lot but choose not to make those skillset and experience work towards my advantage. I’ve been lazy instead of having that grit to be the person I wanted to be. I choose to be where I am right now and I ain’t blaming anybody but me.

The birds chirping and it’s finally 6am in the morning. I’m still in my room figuring out how to make my life a little bit meaningful. Whenever I see my mother, I am saddened by the reality that one day I’ll lose her. My heart is crushing to pieces when those thoughts enter my mind. What’s the point of living when the people you value the most are gone?

My mind is tired of thinking as of the moment. I’m tired of what the future beholds for me and I’m scared of whatever problems this year has for me. I may need to continue my faith and resilience for me to survive this year. And I’m definitely tired of fixing shits of subordinates. I just hope I’ll find meaning to what I do because again I’m tired of this routine.

God bless me.

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Hello 2019!

Another year to unravel, another year full of memories to recall and I’m ecstatic to know what is in store this 2019. Annually, I I owe it to myself to write something about the year that was and somehow sum it up with simile and metaphors but honestly I’m out of words as of the moment. My mind has been shut off already due to the holiday clamors and I just want to laze around and let this day be it — first day of the year.

2018 taught me a lot of things and I faced adulthood head on. A lot came up with bills piling up, savings turned to bankruptcy and unstoppable expenses but I still manage to cope up with all those stressors. I found solutions to problems I need to deal with and I kept on juggling my responsibilities versus my heart’s desire — travelling, shopping and eating. I’ve grown mature and adaptive to all the changes that went my way.

I took the chance of a lifetime by committing myself to someone I admire. After all these years I finally have someone I can call my own, someone I can hug and kiss and someone who’ll support my endeavours. It’s not what I expected to be and not even like in the movies. There are more difficult days than good ones but you still chose to be together for a lot of reasons. I guess commitment is all about being there together despite all the odds and eccentrities, surprise discoveries and personality differences. It’s about adjusting, meeting half way and respecting each other that matters most.

I hope we can make better memories and surpass the challenges that may come our way.

I hope this year I will have more moments with my mom and just like all the years that come and go, I wish that we’ll still be together this 2020. I always tell her to stay until I’m settled and that I need her in my life. I guess we’ll never outgrow that kid feeling in us longing for a mother who’ll take care whenever we don’t feel well. The multiplicities of emotions that dawns me on a daily basis knowing one day I might lose her kills me.

My mom is getting older and weaker as I grow older and afraid of what the future has in store for me. I pray that God will still give me more happy moments with her and that she’ll be healthy and always happy. I want to see her on my special days, my wedding day and all the possible milestones that I’ll encounter this coming years. I looked at the calendar and frowned upon the reality that my age will soon not be part of it anymore and my life seems not happening at all — not how I planned it to be but I need to be still and enjoy the moment.

Since I’m old and broke, my travel plans are limited even if my heart is screaming for it. I hope I’ll be able to see more new places this year and I pray that I’ll be able to save enough money for it.

  • January – Iloilo
  • February – Cebu
  • April – Bais/Dumaguete
  • August – Iloilo, Guimaras and Cebu

… Here’s to more gastro-fill days alone, with Paul and with friends.

May this year be a good year for me. I am excited to know how 2019 will end and may this be a year for me to find and do what my heart truly desires. I hope great success to my new venture — Lookah!

Cheers for 2019! May this be a year full of memories, self-discovery and adventures! To more glory days dedicated to God and Mama! I will never survived without my faith!

christmas, inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog, personal, pets

A Night of Isolation

I tried harder this year. I tried to feel the season but the feels won’t sink in. I guess Christmas is just another day for a young adult like me. It’s not as special as it seems. I remembered how sad I was two weeks ago after a good walk inside the mall. The longingness to go back to those days when everyone at home is too busy prepping up for the holidays. Today, cobwebs and dusts keep on piling up so as my pent up emotions.

This year I’m left with one inspiration, my mom. Three years passed since Tito’s death and life has never been the same. I begged for God to take ten years out of my life just for me to see them once again. I want to hug my dad and tell him how much I miss his smiles. I wanted to see my uncle and tell him that I love him. If only I can go back to those days, I will.

There are days when I feel a little nostalgic of those days. All those times I spent talking and arguing with my Tito Edsel, the quiet afternoons in our garden and those late night Teleserye sessions. My heart is full tonight because of all the memories that kept on drowning me but you see I can’t be sad tonight, not on God’s special day.

I got a simple prayer on Christmas Eve.

Dear God,

I love you. I just wanted to thank you for all the good and bad things that have happened this year. Keep me going, God. Keep me motivated to move forward despite the odds that I need to conquer. Keep me grateful for the simple things instead of chasing selfish dreams. I wanted to be better in dealing with my life. May I keep the fire inside me to ignite my own passions. May you my Lord find better ways to unfold my future.

Merry Christmas. To be continued.

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Day 10: Corporate Jargons and Millenials

If only I can travel and sleep for a living, I will. I’m stuck in a corporate job doing my best to meet deadlines and targets in order for me to pass my scorecard. It’s mentally draining and most millenials may find it boring, exhausting, frustrating and excruciating when IG posts features lives of dogs and cats that are earning thousands of dollars just for being adorable while on the other hand, I’m here auditing calls and coaching folks to do what they can to hit their metrics.

It’s not that I am ungrateful or hate the job that I do, it’s just that sometimes if you just let it it’ll totally take much of your 24 hour time. I work as a team lead for a famous BPO company in the Philippines and I’m thankful because of it I got my Master’s degree, got a new car, got to travel, paid my bills and invested in insurance plans for my future. Aside from the pros, the cons also outweigh my emotions towards having a nice job.

The BPO industry helped our economy for the past years and I can’t imagine our country without it. As long as you’re English proficient, you will surely land a job. The stress and success goes a long way for those who persevered. It’s not easy to adjust on flexible start times and rest days. It’s crazy especially if you are living far from the office then good luck!

Most employees right now are millenials whose interest and tolerance levels varies. It’s not that they are not competitive, it’s more of pursuing things they are passionate about as much as possible rather than be stuck in a 9 hour work that kills you slowly in the inside. Some always ask, is it worth it to be practical rather than choosing happiness even if it will never pay your bills? Adulthood sucks, nobody knows how to survive this as there is no better way to learn unless you experience it.

Maybe you’re wondering why I came up with corporate jargons and millenials as a title of this blog. TBH IDK.

It’s just that right now, everything is evolving knowing that it’s 2018 already. I appreciate agents who would call me TL rather than tee or teh as it annoys me sometimes knowing that we are working in a call center and you can’t even pronounce it right. TL stands for team lead and OM stands for operations manager… It cringes me as well hearing people calling a manager as “ohm” instead of “oh-em”. There are a lot of corporate Jargons that I live each day and it’s not easy to discuss things to friends who are not on the same industry. Most of my used Jargons are the following:

  • Let’s park that question
  • Doing DDA – deep dive analysis
  • BRB
  • FYI
  • Let’s work on our FTD scores (fiscal to date)
  • PTO please (paid time off)
  • Ensure EOD scores please (end of day)
  • AHT please!
  • Lost hours

And the list goes on and on…

May we all find job to love, value and care about especially if you’re not able to find it yet.

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Day 9: Defeat and What You Did Next

I found my self rehashing some events wherein I felt so defeated. Numerous fails and almosts in all aspects of my life and I don’t know why I’m still here. I call it set backs, a short detour prior to my best destination. There are times when I persevered so much and ended up failing… Maybe I just didn’t try hard enough.

The most unforgettable defeat moment I’ve experienced is losing the chance to graduate with honors in graduate school. I know I’m a little bit of a slacker compared to who I was in college but I know I did my part. I almost failed my managerial accounting class because of a cheating case that screwed a lot of folks — including me. It was terrible knowing that I am not that kind of person. It got resolved and we’re able to graduate. What saddens me though is when you try so hard to make things right and succeed, a setback is always in place. Not that I’m new to it, in fact I’ve been so used to this right now that I became numb when things don’t go my way.

I guess time plays a part here. At first you’ll feel myriad of emotions and from Okay to not Okay feels you’ll just find yourself happy again despite on what have happened. I see every defeat as a chance for me to do better or simply move forward because what else can I do. We can’t hold grudges forever as it ruins you instead of helping you. It’s not easy to accept defeat all the time but accept it eventually in time and just go through life and experience new adventures or another set of challenges bound to ruin your positivity in life.

Just. Keep. GOING.

It’s not the first time I’ve experienced failure. I’ve got a lot I tell you and even now it never stopped. I always encounter a lot of work frustrations that sometimes I’m about to give up. I even question my own leadership and intellect on why others can move their teams up while I’m plainly having a mediocre attainment. Maybe I’ve been mediocre whole life or maybe I’m just to proud of myself that I expect too much on everyone and too much for myself. It’s a journey still to accept defeat, to plan what’s next and to find your niche. Sometimes it is not working because it might not meant to work in the first place. We are all sucker for success but what if we are not destined to be successful at your corporate job but is bound to be in our passion. Who knows? We should not stop ourself from taking risks just because it didn’t go our way in the first place. We should keep going until we get used to the feeling of failing and still celebrate milestones achieved.

Don’t let your self doubt hinder your way to a better and productive future. All we need is to be self aware and make use of our strengths in our own advantage. It’s always a good battle regardless of the results if you did all you can to win. Life is not about winning, it’s about learning and experiencing — a realization I had after 28 years. I’ve been better in dealing with this now compared to years ago when I threw fits and hated God for not giving me what I want and what I think I deserved.

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Day 7: On Tempers and Rages

Yes, you’re seeing a deliciously angry looking pizza.

Day 7 is not on the list of topics that I need to write about because I’m trying to customize it into something personal to me rather than follow a series of theme everyday.

To start off, temper means something neutralizing and rage is fury gone loose. On why I wanted to talk about it is that one, it’s interesting and relevant. Second, the pizza looks like me — nice in general but when triggered can turn into an evil bitch from Wakanda. Everyday we encounter circumstances or people that get into our nerves ( please read my other blog post about things that annoy me here: What Annoys Me ) yet we still discern our feelings and think as rational as possible. I throw fits and almost kill annoying people in my mind. I mean if I confront them from being annoying that would make me look like a fool. It’s so biased and inhumane for me to do so. Human as we are, we are accompanied by myriad of emotions everyday yet we were given the gift of reason to act wisely. Some may involved in serious problems just because they let their emotions take over their rationality. Pity those fools for they let their inner bitches took over their life and now they are stained.

Anyways, rage is dangerous. I would admit that I sometimes find myself acting stupid just because I’m furious. I started raging when I learned how to drive and being in the road requires not just mental alertness but tantamount of patience before you start shooting assholes. I mean, being caught in a traffic and having someone cutting you off while you safely drive can sometimes be infuriating. I had one instance wherein a motorcycle driver shoved his middle finger up high just because I slowed down to let kids cross and caught up in a very difficult situation because a passenger jeep just stopped in front of me. I got no better choice and he hated me for slowing down because he was driving so fast. I got mad I stepped on the pedal trying to rush over the traffic and just want to blow horns at him or probably squeeze his bird brain. I must say my inner bitch took over my sanity for 10 seconds and realized that my life is too precious for me to waste on stupid people. I must say I’m learning to control the evil in me and just let it go. I need 10 seconds of silence and a quick prayer to regain back my senses.

Frustrations and work stress also add up to my mood swings and getting a massage weekly to relax is so expensive but I’m still willing to pay for it just because I value my mental health. Regardless of all these feelings we feel, our mind should always overpower those raging emotions. Our temper can sometimes make or break us.

In case you feel aggravated by a situation, take a step back and breathe. Never let your tongue say anything you’ll regret, never do anything that can hurt others and never let other people’s anger become your anger.

I always remind myself that no matter what… Be the bigger person. 😇

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Day 6: Explain Your Current Relationship

On day 6 of this blogging challenge, I’ll share about my current relationship.

I’m no longer single and the dramas I wrote before is just part of history where I learned a lot and cringe upon every time I read about my ramblings. Life is different now knowing I got someone I can totally depend on. It’s not perfect I must say as we have different opinions on a lot of things that can sometimes cause us arguments or disagreements. Our personalities are almost the same in quite areas but mine is probably stronger but despite on me being hard-headed, I always find myself listening to him.

I like to see him smile and his smile can calm me from the stress and pain that I feel. I value the time he spent on me and just being there. I do sometimes wish he’s a guy full of surprises or the romantic one because I must say he is an ultimate fail in romance and sweet stuff.

He is my kind of happy now. I remembered when we’re just starting to get to know each other and I’ve got numerous list of doubts and how my mind fed me with all the negativities this relationship has… I was terrified to be hurt all over again because I don’t know if I can still make it especially with the other problems I got. My mind has been a hellish place to be and being caught up in confusion is just “deathrifying”. It was a rough start, an offroad course only those who trust most can survive and now we’re off to better roads. We can’t deny the roadblocks and detours our relationship may have but we’re both game to what adventure awaits us. As long as we put out trust in each other even if we travel on separate roads, our love will still lead us together. I hope so. We both have dreams we long to achieve and all we need is a strong motivation to keep going… to keep on doing the best that we can to achieve our heart’s desire. All the effort today is bound to a greater future.

I’m glad I gave him the chance to prove his worth. I’m glad that he never gave up on me despite my stubborness. Everything is totally new to me at first, texting or dropping messages of my whereabouts and quitting my weekend “walwal” sessions to survive each week’s routine. It feels better now compared to the days where I have my own self doubts and fears of getting old alone with no one to love me.

I pray that this will be a forever kind of love story and if not I hope I’ll keep on believing in love as much as I’ve believed in this relationship. All we need is love to be better… always.❤

Here’s a link of my previous blog post rehashing why I love this guy: About Us.

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Day 5: Share Your Thoughts About Alcohol

I am not a prude. I’ve got my own fair share of alcohol memories and so far most of them are plainly hilarious. On Day 5 of this blogging challenge, I will share my favourite alcoholic beverage and the best memories behind those blurry nights.

Life without alcohol might have ended too early because during my early twenties I can’t find the best solution to my blues except spending late nights with friends and ended up with extreme hang-O the day after. It’s been a weekly routine, I got addicted to the fun that it brings that it gave hope to me each day for I’m looking forward to another crazy weekend. It made life bearable even if I got to face daily shits I don’t have any idea on how to handle.

Some people would say alcohol is not the answer to one’s problem and neither milk nor cola can make you feel better. I can still recall the memories and it can still make me laugh. Remembering those moments make me happy and I would love to experience it all over again.

In my late twenties, I must say that I’m now drinking occasionally. I rather choose sleep than be out with friends and grooving the night away. I’m done with those blurry nights with drunk friends. Apart from the happy memories, I’ve got my own fair share of terrors and miseries. I got heartbroken and all the false hopes killed me once. I don’t know how I was able to move on but I am happy that I did.

Drink responsibly, they say.