My 2019 Christmas Prayer

Every year it has been our tradition to put up our Christmas tree days before my birthday. This year I intend not to have it because I feel that there’s nothing to celebrate and it’s my first Christmas without my mother. Yesterday, I looked at the bareness of our living room. Things changed but the tradition should never stop. I gather old boxes where it was stored and hurriedly put up the tree. It deserves to light up the room. My mama and Tito would be very happy seeing our Christmas tree up and it made my heart happier because even if they are no longer with me, I still feel complete because I have something that reminds me of them during Christmas Day.

I miss them so much and I would admit that it’s not easy to move forward. There are instances when I just want to burst out of nowhere especially when memories flood my thoughts. I am still grieving and constantly bargaining to God to give me just a few minutes to hug them. This year, it seems that I lost almost everything but I’m fine with whatever plans God has in store for me.

Dear God,

My life is full of surprises, of good opportunities and great timings. This year you’ve challenged me in ways that I never imagined. I expected that one day I’ll face my fears but not as what you’ve plotted. You heard me scream and cursed your name because I thought that you are purely evil for making me face these kind of obstacles that I thought would make me lose my sanity.

Surprisingly, I’m still fine.

I felt peace in your name, God. When I’ve lost everything I have I knew I still got you. I should stop questioning your plans because I know that no matter how painful today can be, someday it will be a lesson that I should be extremely thankful of. My faith in you God has never been stronger. I always forget but you never failed to remind me of your presence and miracles. You have an exciting way to make me realize that this is not a bad life but just a chapter I don’t understand until I fully read the succeeding ones.

I am beyond grateful for your love and patience. You’ve showered me the grace and strength that I need to survive this year. You’ve witnessed all the pains and I can’t wait for the moment when all of these will make sense. Your plans are way better than mine, Lord. You’ve proven it several times and now I will no longer doubt it.

May the succeeding Christmases be great and that may you continue to remind me that Christmas is all about love and a celebration of our faith to your goodness. I trust you God with all my heart and soul. I thank you for the pains that made me stronger, for the experiences that made me smarter and for all the happy memories that made me humbler.

Bless the people I love and their families with good health. May you continue to shine in Paul’s heart and make him a better version of himself. I trust your plans towards the people I value the most. Please give them the strength they need to surpass the trials they need to face and may they continue their faith no matter how dark their situation can be. Thank you for today and for the days to come. I apologize for the sins I committed and may I be a blessing to others. I love you, God.



Dirty 30.

I’ve reached my most dreaded age, the age wherein I should be married, procreate and already figure out what I really want. I should have passed the quarter life stage with flying colors and start to pursue my passions, well not. According to my recent self check I am not even quite halfway there and I started to practice stoicism. I should stop caring and let just life happen. I think I’m still good.

For the past months, I’ve lost interest to things that I am passionate about. Life sucked all the happy cells inside me and left me with a soul too broken to be fixed. No one sees how my raging emotions destroy me but I kept my calm in public. It takes a lot of skill, I must say. I stand still despite how chaotic my world can be and try to sort things out one problem at a time.

This year is beyond what I ever imagined. I lost people I love so much and value. I lost pets that are family to me. I lost my confidence and half of my self-esteem for some mistakes may it be in life or in work. Being involved in accidents and mistakenly got involved in a hit and run incident just topped it all. My bank accounts are now screaming bankruptcy with debts waving every month.

Cheers to being 30? Fine.

Life humbled me in ways I have never imagined. It built my character in a very unconventional way but I’m thankful. You’ll surely never know what life has in store for you but I get to admit that I’m not as hopeful as before. I am starting to be anxious about mishaps that may happen. Truth is all that have happened this past few months lead me to a state of trauma. It’s hard to move forward with all the fears my mind get to think whenever I think about the future. It is a daily battle I face and hopefully I’ll be back on track.

“It’s so funny how so much of “finding yourself” in adulthood is simply getting back to who you were and what you loved as a child… —@okay_zuri #ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmm ”

artwork by @pioooooon

When we’re kids, we wanted to be adults. When we’re already adults, we wanted to be a child once again. Innocent, worry-free, full of hope. I wish I can turn back time and experience that moment of serenity.

At 30, I wish for peace.

Dear God,

I pray that one day all these traumatic experiences will be just a part of myself and that it will no longer cripple me to move forward in life. I pray that I’ll be able to find meaning in everything I do because right now, success and failures don’t feel special anymore. I feel dispensable and my skills are no longer at its prime. Oh God, help me for I’ve long those days when everything feels right again. May these challenges make me feel alive once again after I heal my wounds. Let my mind continue to see the best possible scenarios rather than be clouded by negativities. I’ll trust your power Oh Lord.



Mindful Sunday.

I woke up feeling less energize than before. I slept for almost 12 hours and it still feels like I haven’t slept at all. I refused to believe that I am suffering from depression or any mental illness anymore. Life and its corresponding mishaps became my truth, I became resilient over time with a realization that despair is part of my existence. Accepting the truth no matter how distasteful it can be is necessary for growth and maturity. I go with the flow and co-exist with my myriad feels each day. I think I am normal as I still see light in times of darkness.For the past years I’ve been absorbing experiences that have let me see how the world who I used to believe is a beautiful place turns out to be a nightmare.The past months engulfed me in a realm where I want to stop the pain I feel in my soul. I was angered by the series of misfortunate events and that of all the billions of people in the world, God picked on me. He seems to be fond of my despair. Smirking as I endure all the pain. Smiling as I cursed at him. He might think that it’s part of his grandiose plan and that I should just be a sport to all of his games. I prayed for one love that will lasts forever only to end up with another round of uncertainty. I just wished you never answered prayers and make me feel like it was before — it’s just the same feels I have when I realised that I am not worth the words. It’s extreme this time because from words here comes the future. You make me believe once again that this will work out but having a jaded future where I am not even part of it won’t work God. How broken do I need to be for you to save me. Well, I honestly do not get why I experienced too much trials this year and that he didn’t even give me the chance to breathe. God, if you’re a coach then you suck. You are slowly getting into my nerves with all the game plans laid on me, plotted for my own doom rather than my win. I screamed. I yelled. I cried. I fell into the pit of despair. I wanted to die… again. Probably you’re watching me containing your laughter because I don’t get your game.I know that no matter how I wanted to die, my gut just don’t have the full courage to do it. I looked at myself and how life has stained my soul. I looked at myself full of unseen bruises with a little hope that shines in her eyes. I looked at myself a little more and realized that no matter how shitty my life is, I still manage to be kind.There’s still hope inside of me.*****************************************Today, our house even if there’s music on feels silent. It’s not the usual. It all has a certain nostalgic vibe that brought me back years ago. I walked towards the kitchen not knowing what to feel and watched the view outside. It feels like a lonely December afternoon, gloomy and cold. The wind rustles the leaves and the sun shines a little after the dark cloud passed by. I never felt this feeling after a long while without bursting into tears. This is my new reality. It has been 5 months since my mom’s death and slowly the pain seems to be bearable. I can write about how I feel without the fear of being paralysed by a worst episode of anxiety attack. After 29 years, mild anxiety attacks haunt me. The trauma for the past months brought me into this state. It is intensified by my thoughts and memories. Circumstances do trigger it and I find myself bursting into tears while driving, hyperventilating as I hold my shoulders trying to calm myself before I die in an accident. No one gets to see those episodes. No one needs to see how I struggle for air. I try to calm my mind by thinking of things that I still want to happen in my life. I think of the future. I think of my own strength and that I am not mentally ill. I am traumatized by loss. I’ll be fine.I rarely pull over to calm myself as I eventually breathe normally after indulging into a state of daydream and deep breathing. My anxiety attacks and how my heart wanted to bursts are just fleeting events. I’ll be Okay, I constantly remind myself.There are days when I envy people who seem to got it all figured out. Social media showcases some people I know who are living their lives while I am in my dark room wishing I too someday can travel again and see what the world has to offer. I have been lamenting into the debts I need to pay and the loneliness I need to bear this coming holiday season. I breathe heavily now. Tears slowly running down my face. I acknowledge the sadness, the reality I used to refuse is now part of my system.I embraced how darkness became my bestfriend. It is not easy to be in my situation. Every single day I drag myself to move when it feels so lethargic to actually move. I try to live a normal life. My work has been my refuge as it totally distracts me from the Shit life I’m in. Totally different kind of Shit.My mind is full of hopes and fears that I cannot express. My mouth has been shut because not all will actually understand. My heart is always full and that I wish one day all my energy will be reciprocated by the world I used to find beautiful.I hope that love may come my way again unexpectedly or approach it again with more maturity. I long to find a home in someone’s heart, willing to take care of my brokenness for the rest of his life. Someone who can be sure of what he wants. I take in the feeling of devastation slowly in my system and I’m not quite sure until when can I cling into the foundation of my own self-worth and endure a love that is uncertain. Be here now mindset will not work in 2 – 5 years when I’m already about to settle. These YOLO years will end soon and if nothing happens during those times then I guess my will to live too will disappear along my hope for a better tomorrow. I’ll try to hang on and ride the tides for now.I wrote to share what I feel. It’s therapeutic. I want to read this again after a year or two to compare if the feels I feel today is still the same. I hope to grow after all of these and yes, I can’t wait for that day when God finally make me see how this will all make sense someday.My past made sense and I hope today will too.


Shit Happened and Still Happening.

Everything felt like a dream lately, a nightmare perhaps. I stopped writing for quite some time. There are too many unfinished sentences and paragraphs in my drafts. I want to write but I no longer have the heart to finish it. I have enough of life, people and circumstances that I just want to stay in one corner yelling at people to f*ck off. My other side is full of hate. I guess only my car witnessed my tantrums and how I screamed so hard because I’m so full of shit already.

I don’t look like shit because I pretend I’m not living a shitty life when in fact I’m screwed with debts piling up and my self-esteem to rock bottom. I need to be strong not for others but for myself just because I really have to or else I’ll lose my sanity.

This year, I’m losing everything I love. It’s chaotic and I must say not an easy feat to conquer. It’s like playing with my damn emotions and crazy stuff happening that I will never wish for others to experience. It’s painful, traumatic and depressing. I had my first panic attack this year. I sometimes find it funny to look at when fingers are hardened until they form a rock on sign and when they breath air profusely. What used to be funny looking for me became a horrendous nightmare when it happened. My lungs grasp for air as my heart palpitates. My thoughts are being flooded by memories I wanted to run away from. I wish I died. I wish I can end my despair.

It didn’t happen just once. It happened almost thrice since May. I sometimes feel like crying when I’m driving. I can feel my heart pounding fast. I can feel my lungs about to explode. I looked for meditation techniques online to calm me. I distracted myself and kept busy. It was a temporary relief.

The future seems to be unclear for me. I do not know what beholds years from now but unlike the uncertainty I feel before, today feels extremely lonelier. There are fleeting moments of wishful thinking that one day I’ll be able to live my dreams. Marry the man I love. Have kids. Travel and earn a lot. There are also episodes of anxiousness and fear of having cancer, losing my reproductive system and not having kids anymore, getting jailed because of debts and dying in my bed, alone. It scares the hell out of me to be alone someday.

Several conversations with colleagues and friends made me realize that no matter how I wanted to have a family of my own, I still fear the realities that accompany it. No more freedom to do the things you want to do because responsibilities will now take its toll. Parenting is not easy.

I’ve been extremely busy lately to distract myself from my own realities. My ruthless mind cripples me and God, I don’t know what he’s up to but I already told him enough. I lost my Mom, my Pepper, my Poopie, My Toby, Polar, Creamy, Milky and Tiger. I lost all that I love including my own sanity. Despite the strength I exhibit, my soul is tormented. I try to make all the broken pieces fit. I try to comprehend what’s happening in my life because again all the trials and the pain that it brings make me lose myself.

Someone told me how she admired my bravery and how I became mature over the years. I smiled. I uttered that I have no choice that’s why I need to be strong. I have to. It’s the only option I have.

When darkness creeps in, I always talk to friends who will always ensure that big problems should be taken lightly. Even if I feel like a failure sometimes, I know I have my wingmen to remind me to go on and the comic relief they bring keeps me going. Life may be hard but always choose to be better, no matter what.

I’m almost 30 and I am now full of suppressed anger. Even if they tell me never hate God, I still feel like whining and screaming at him whenever I feel the pain inside of me. There are days when the goodness and kindness I shared to the world backfired. The world has a lot to offer when it comes to problems and trials. Do I deserve this kind of life when I focus on doing good for others? Do I need to feel this intense pain and failures to be better? What will actually make sense someday? What future is in store when you destroyed all that kept me going?

I am extremely tired right now. Tormented and distraught. I want a break from all of this. I want to be surprised but not this kind. Not deaths. Not accidents.

As I aged, my future is still unknown. I honestly don’t know if I’m part of someone’s future plans. When a colleague asked me why I’m still not planning to get married, I just laughed. I don’t even know if I’m part of my boyfriend’s plan. I don’t even know if there’s really a plan because I honestly don’t feel that it’s going to happen anytime soon. Be here now as they say. Enjoy the moment. If it comes then good, if not, I wish that I’m not old enough to start over. Sucks to scout a man at 50. Worst, losing all the chances to have kids. Hello to nursing homes that cater for an annoying senior citizen like me. The anxiety that life brings to me sucks big time.

Here I am again, wearing masks and pretending to be alright.

Anyways, what I know is that I’m full of shit and shit is still happening at full blast. You totally woke me up when September is about to end.


Be Here Now.

I don’t have the guts to write what have happened. I guess it’s hard to write when you are still grieving and everything feels so fresh. Every day can be suffocating and I honestly don’t know how I can survive because the thoughts drown me and the pain of losing someone you truly love is so excruciating to bear.

This is my NOW and I feel devastated.

It is not an easy feat nor a choice I made. It was life telling me it’s time and you just have to deal with it. How do I go from here? I have no answers.

How are you right now, Ma?

I’m still trying to absorb all the dreaded thoughts overflowing in my mind. What I know is that I’m extremely missing you and not a day goes by that I am not thinking about you. I try to smile despite the pain I feel. It’s devastating to dwell on this reality. I’ll no longer get to hold your hand and you know how much I love you.

I want to smell your clothes to recall your scent. I want to hug your beanies so tight before I go to bed. I beg to God every single day to see you again. Your smile reminds me that I did a good job.

I can’t sleep at this hour because I remember how it’s used to be. It feels so lonely right now. I lost my sense of purpose after losing you. You are my reason why I kept going because I know you needed me and I needed you. What’s next for me?

I honestly feel that it’s over. I’m like waiting for something bad to happen. I’m waiting for that moment when I only have a few days to live. I guess I am ready to go anytime. I just want to be with you… to hug you tight and tell you how my day was. I’ll be annoyed by your noise and just be in my room trying to sleep. I miss the times when we’re all together. I miss my old life, those old habits that make me happy even if I’m broke. The hope in my eyes, the desire to be successful because I want to give my parents a better life. Today, what’s the point?

She was my life.

Mama was the sole reason why I wanted to achieve and sacrificed my passion to be with her. I wanted her to be proud of me. I stopped caring about success. I just do what needs to be done, put heart to what I do but the sense of fulfillment was no longer there. It’s like existing without any meaning.

I lost my pack and I’m now a lone wolf.

Mama, I love you so much and no words can actually define how sad I am inside. I never felt so lonely and empty. I have no answer on what to look forward in the future. I just can’t start over with the kind of drive I used to have.

Can anybody tell me how to survive losing both of your parents while you’re about to turn 30 with no financial freedom and a family that you can call your own? Can anybody tell me how to fine when you’ve lost all the hope the world has to offer? Can anybody tell me how to stop the excruciating pain I feel each day knowing that I’ll never see my mom again?

Be here now.

To focus on the present, accept the past and let the future unfold. I’m trying my best to exist and finish each day without actually hoping that tomorrow will be better. I don’t care.

Be here now. I remind myself.

Can someone save me or am I the only one who can save myself?

Be here now.

life, personal

The Will To Live.

Have you ever felt so tired after conquering all the challenges life offered you? I do.

Last April 6, my mother had her first heart attack. As of this writing she’s still in the ICU recuperating after her pacemaker surgery. I’m currently broke with all my savings went off to hospital bills and I borrowed a huge amount of money to pay for the surgery but it isn’t enough. I honestly feel like shit right now with piles of problems waving at me. I sometimes ask God why me, why? The pain lingered and kept on haunting me. This is far most the stressful week of my entire existence.

April 8 another heart attack haunted us followed by another last April 9 until April 10 when the doctors decide to make use of a defibrillator to revive her. The family convened to see her, I even bid my own farewell and accepted in my heart that maybe it’s her time to rest and be with Daddy and God but her will to live was so remarkable that even her doctors and nurses are amazed on how she’s able to survive massive heart attacks.

She is a fighter and her will to live is truly amazing.

On the other hand, I’m being haunted by a lot of thoughts. All these events for the past days are daunting. The demons in my head are feasting on my weakness and I can’t be with my thoughts for long. No matter what other people tell me to be strong and steadfast no matter what, I still feel like nothing. A future full of void and darkness, an unpurposeful life is showing. I pray, I prayed and will continue on praying to see the light in this journey. I don’t want to be crippled again by my own thoughts and succumbed to depression. Sometimes I’m thinking if I’ll be mad after this with all of the thoughts rushing in my head. I can’t be alone for long.

My mother kept on going while my own fire is about to go out. I pray for strength. I pray for the pain to end. I pray for wisdom.

I also want to say thank you to all the people who’ve helped us out. For family members who took time to visit, chat to check omand support us in these dreaded times, for friends who shared their help monetarily, for Tita Annabelle Panton who helped out a huge amount to make the surgery possible and for her contacts who also shared and for friends who’ve let me borrow huge amount of money to pay for our hospital bills. I feel so grateful to have great people as friends who treated me more than family. Friends who visited to remind me that I need to be strong and lastly for John Paul, my love who stayed with me in these desperate days of my life and kept me sane when I’m about to give up.

I don’t know if this is my life’s turning point. I know I’m extremely exhausted. I lay all the burden to God. I’m dead broke with huge amount of credit waiting to be paid. I don’t know how to start over again after all of this but I need to be strong, I know I need to be strong.

I hope someday life will be okay after this. I still need a huge help as of the moment. I still need to raise P80,000 to pay for the surgery and for the hospital bills. I beg to those who have a kind heart to help me out and save my mom. If her will to live is stronger then mine should be on that level too.

Account Name: Sharon Carol Lamb

BDO Account: 0045-2007-9112

BPI Account: 1399-1671-98

I’m an only child and I have no one to help me out in paying all the bills so I am begging for help to those who have a kind heart to support us in this journey. Any amount will surely go along way. Thank you so much.

Pray for us and for our family. I hope we’ll be able to survive this challenge.


The Saturation Point.

Definition of saturation point

: the point at which there are so many of a thing that no more can be added successfully

Thanks Merriam Webster for defining saturation point. It’s actually a term used in Chemistry when the substance has no more chance to absorb or dissolve. It has reached a point in its life when you’re already able to maximize what needs to be maximize and things are no longer that interesting unlike before. I guess I’ve reached my own life’s saturation point.

Today, I’ve got this desire to write what has been bothering me for the past months. I feel like I’m stuck in a loop where I’m trying to pretend that I’m fine when totally I’m not. It has been a constant struggle of not knowing what I really want in life. I feel that everyday for the past years I’m killing my self slowly for not taking risks in pursuing what my heart desires for the sake of practicality. I feel like I’m my own prisoner.

What moved me to write is this article I stumbled upon in Facebook and it made me cry. I’ve been crying a lot lately. I cried several times inside the car prior to going to work. I cried after I wake up because I knew that I’ll deal with another shitty day in the office. I cried on my way home hating the stress I feel in the office. I cried my way to sleep because I’m too frustrated with everything that is going on with my career life as it is starting to affect the other aspects of my life. It’s ruining my relationship to people. It changes my mood very quick and I can snap on simple questions being asked. I’ll deal with people who kept on repeating same mistakes after I coach them. People who tend to let their common sense die sometimes because “this job pays me right even if I don’t do it right”. I need to deal with the things I am no longer passionate about just because it pays my bills and feeds my family. It’s one of the most miserable feeling in the world; to get up, show up and do what is expected from you.

I’ve lost hours each day doing the mundane things which I no longer find value. I feel like I’m rotten inside with no more growth awaits me. I listen to motivational podcasts upon going to work to psych my mind but it all boils down to one thing, do whatever that makes you happy. I am not happy with where I am right now. You can’t settle for less when you know you can still max out yourself.

Going back to the article, I must say it was definitely right. It’s like an article solely written for me at this point of my life.

“We are so terrified by the idea of moving on, because we feel like we just can’t move on and leave things behind. We sacrifice our own being, our own happiness. We choose to compromise all these because we choose to stay, when we should really be moving on, moving forward.”

— Thought Catalog: If You’re Unhappy With Your Life, It’s Your Responsibility To Change It by Dian Tinio

Link to article

“If you’re unhappy with your job, quit. If you feel like, you’re no longer growing, no longer learning, if you’re no longer productive, if you’re only clocking in and out every single day – then move. If you’re constantly stressing over the fact that it drains you mentally, physically and emotionally, then move. If you’re thinking of just sticking with that job that never fails to suck your joy because it pays the bills and you might be “promoted” there and can call yourself “successful” and “happier” – NO. Your happiness does not depend on your success. Your success actually depends on your happiness. If you think there are new opportunities, new places, new things you can explore and will contribute to your soul and to your individual growth, then go there. If it’s worth your time thinking, then it’s worth trying. No one’s too old to try. Whether it ends good or bad, it’s still an experience. Let’s not forget that every experience teaches us a valuable lesson that we might never learn if we choose otherwise.”

I feel that I am more than what I do now. Almost nine years of nonstop working and dramas being tolerated over the years, I’ve reached this point when I’m full of it already. I’m tired of doing same things. I’m tired of complying. I’m tired of being stuck in this loophole with no assurance of a great future. My life should begin now and I’ve dedicated almost nine years of my life to a place that I must say had mold me to be a better leader. I’ve been resilient enough to face the challenges but standing still is not enough when you know for a fact that you are born to do wonders.

I kept on looking back and I am too afraid to jump into a new career path. I’ve been playing safe because I fear to fail again knowing my finances will be jeopardize. I am not depressed and wants to kill myself just because my life is a complete mess, in fact I want to LIVE. I feel that I need to revamp my life but the big question there is where and when to start?

I know I need to make things happen now… But how?


Time Check: 5:04 AM Thoughts

It’s 5 am and I’m wide awake. I can hear the wind howling outside and I’m now imagining how cold it is right now if I go out. I turned off the lights in my room to feel the coldness of my soul and here I am chilling.

2019 started and a lot has happened. I probably got too preoccupied with a lot of stuff that the sadness I felt didn’t bother me. The frequent nightmares added up to my daily stress and I spent time deciphering the point of those nightmares and some people of the past that taunts me. I guess my dreams reminded me of some fears I never wanted to face — the truth. This year I’ll be turning 30 and it scares the hell out of me knowing that all my plans screwed up back when I was 15 years old. So I’m 29, no luxury car, no profitable business, no mansion, no kids and never been to Cancun, Mexico. I didn’t pursue my programming career and got stuck in the BPO industry that pays my bills. I celebrate my highs and learn from my lows but still I feel like shit on several occasions. I think people live this way… they keep going no matter how crappy life goes. We get used to this feels of being not the person we imagined to be. We thrive still because of our goals but regardless of what we need to chase, we are still humans susceptible to all kinds of pain and despair.

In general, my life is okay. I know I should be grateful but there are those days when I just feel a little meh. Insomnia bothers me, the cold mornings I need to face each day just to go to work and feel like shit sometimes. It’s like working for the sake of money. My heart is dead. My brain shuts off. I wanted to give up but my bank account and bills are cursing me to fix myself or else everything will be screwed up and I might just kill myself all of a sudden. I don’t have a better choice.

There are days when I make myself believe that humans are wired that way, never contented. Maybe that’s why I wanted more when in fact I already have a lot but choose not to make those skillset and experience work towards my advantage. I’ve been lazy instead of having that grit to be the person I wanted to be. I choose to be where I am right now and I ain’t blaming anybody but me.

The birds chirping and it’s finally 6am in the morning. I’m still in my room figuring out how to make my life a little bit meaningful. Whenever I see my mother, I am saddened by the reality that one day I’ll lose her. My heart is crushing to pieces when those thoughts enter my mind. What’s the point of living when the people you value the most are gone?

My mind is tired of thinking as of the moment. I’m tired of what the future beholds for me and I’m scared of whatever problems this year has for me. I may need to continue my faith and resilience for me to survive this year. And I’m definitely tired of fixing shits of subordinates. I just hope I’ll find meaning to what I do because again I’m tired of this routine.

God bless me.


Hello 2019!

Another year to unravel, another year full of memories to recall and I’m ecstatic to know what is in store this 2019. Annually, I I owe it to myself to write something about the year that was and somehow sum it up with simile and metaphors but honestly I’m out of words as of the moment. My mind has been shut off already due to the holiday clamors and I just want to laze around and let this day be it — first day of the year.

2018 taught me a lot of things and I faced adulthood head on. A lot came up with bills piling up, savings turned to bankruptcy and unstoppable expenses but I still manage to cope up with all those stressors. I found solutions to problems I need to deal with and I kept on juggling my responsibilities versus my heart’s desire — travelling, shopping and eating. I’ve grown mature and adaptive to all the changes that went my way.

I took the chance of a lifetime by committing myself to someone I admire. After all these years I finally have someone I can call my own, someone I can hug and kiss and someone who’ll support my endeavours. It’s not what I expected to be and not even like in the movies. There are more difficult days than good ones but you still chose to be together for a lot of reasons. I guess commitment is all about being there together despite all the odds and eccentrities, surprise discoveries and personality differences. It’s about adjusting, meeting half way and respecting each other that matters most.

I hope we can make better memories and surpass the challenges that may come our way.

I hope this year I will have more moments with my mom and just like all the years that come and go, I wish that we’ll still be together this 2020. I always tell her to stay until I’m settled and that I need her in my life. I guess we’ll never outgrow that kid feeling in us longing for a mother who’ll take care whenever we don’t feel well. The multiplicities of emotions that dawns me on a daily basis knowing one day I might lose her kills me.

My mom is getting older and weaker as I grow older and afraid of what the future has in store for me. I pray that God will still give me more happy moments with her and that she’ll be healthy and always happy. I want to see her on my special days, my wedding day and all the possible milestones that I’ll encounter this coming years. I looked at the calendar and frowned upon the reality that my age will soon not be part of it anymore and my life seems not happening at all — not how I planned it to be but I need to be still and enjoy the moment.

Since I’m old and broke, my travel plans are limited even if my heart is screaming for it. I hope I’ll be able to see more new places this year and I pray that I’ll be able to save enough money for it.

  • January – Iloilo
  • February – Cebu
  • April – Bais/Dumaguete
  • August – Iloilo, Guimaras and Cebu

… Here’s to more gastro-fill days alone, with Paul and with friends.

May this year be a good year for me. I am excited to know how 2019 will end and may this be a year for me to find and do what my heart truly desires. I hope great success to my new venture — Lookah!

Cheers for 2019! May this be a year full of memories, self-discovery and adventures! To more glory days dedicated to God and Mama! I will never survived without my faith!

christmas, inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog, personal, pets

A Night of Isolation

I tried harder this year. I tried to feel the season but the feels won’t sink in. I guess Christmas is just another day for a young adult like me. It’s not as special as it seems. I remembered how sad I was two weeks ago after a good walk inside the mall. The longingness to go back to those days when everyone at home is too busy prepping up for the holidays. Today, cobwebs and dusts keep on piling up so as my pent up emotions.

This year I’m left with one inspiration, my mom. Three years passed since Tito’s death and life has never been the same. I begged for God to take ten years out of my life just for me to see them once again. I want to hug my dad and tell him how much I miss his smiles. I wanted to see my uncle and tell him that I love him. If only I can go back to those days, I will.

There are days when I feel a little nostalgic of those days. All those times I spent talking and arguing with my Tito Edsel, the quiet afternoons in our garden and those late night Teleserye sessions. My heart is full tonight because of all the memories that kept on drowning me but you see I can’t be sad tonight, not on God’s special day.

I got a simple prayer on Christmas Eve.

Dear God,

I love you. I just wanted to thank you for all the good and bad things that have happened this year. Keep me going, God. Keep me motivated to move forward despite the odds that I need to conquer. Keep me grateful for the simple things instead of chasing selfish dreams. I wanted to be better in dealing with my life. May I keep the fire inside me to ignite my own passions. May you my Lord find better ways to unfold my future.

Merry Christmas. To be continued.