christmas, inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog, personal, pets

A Night of Isolation

I tried harder this year. I tried to feel the season but the feels won’t sink in. I guess Christmas is just another day for a young adult like me. It’s not as special as it seems. I remembered how sad I was two weeks ago after a good walk inside the mall. The longingness to go back to those days when everyone at home is too busy prepping up for the holidays. Today, cobwebs and dusts keep on piling up so as my pent up emotions.

This year I’m left with one inspiration, my mom. Three years passed since Tito’s death and life has never been the same. I begged for God to take ten years out of my life just for me to see them once again. I want to hug my dad and tell him how much I miss his smiles. I wanted to see my uncle and tell him that I love him. If only I can go back to those days, I will.

There are days when I feel a little nostalgic of those days. All those times I spent talking and arguing with my Tito Edsel, the quiet afternoons in our garden and those late night Teleserye sessions. My heart is full tonight because of all the memories that kept on drowning me but you see I can’t be sad tonight, not on God’s special day.

I got a simple prayer on Christmas Eve.

Dear God,

I love you. I just wanted to thank you for all the good and bad things that have happened this year. Keep me going, God. Keep me motivated to move forward despite the odds that I need to conquer. Keep me grateful for the simple things instead of chasing selfish dreams. I wanted to be better in dealing with my life. May I keep the fire inside me to ignite my own passions. May you my Lord find better ways to unfold my future.

Merry Christmas. To be continued.

inspirational, life, personal

Only You Can Save Yourself.

People like me is pretty much hard to understand and I won’t deny that. It’s not easy to make me talk unless I am very comfortable with you. I am not the loudest person in the room for I am associated as the quiet one, the one who simply observes and most of the time is on day dreaming mode.

I am not surprised if people would name me names or hate me. Honestly, I don’t give a damn. At this point of my life, I stopped caring on what others would actually say about me. Say whatever you want to say it’s a free world. Opinions do matter if you let it matter. If it’s not essential for your growth then trash it — seriously.

I know who I am (and still evolving, still self discovering).

Time taught me to choose battles that are worth fighting. If it won’t matter 365 days from now then why bother spending 60 seconds of my time worrying about it. I tried my best to understand most people and sometimes too much trust can lead to abuse. And yes, I learned it the hard way. I learned to walk out of toxic friendships and situations.

I chose to be happy.

Through the years I’ve became independent and made big decisions that were life changing. There are days when I looked back on how I’ve struggled on too many things and distractions yet I survived. Countless times of begging to God to take my life because of the tremendous pain that I feel; of all the failures that drowned me; of all the doubts that haunted me; and all the fears that crippled me. It wasn’t an easy feat to stand once again and make the world a better place when I have the option to make it hell for others.

I stopped talking because no one will ever understand. I stopped sharing to a lot of people because I know they won’t take that seriously or worst will just take it against me. Instead, I opened my mind and accepted that it’s just the way it is — people will disappoint you all the time but you can’t whine about it and expect them to shower you with love and kisses. I can’t be too ideal on my relationships to others as much as I also want to be one’s ideal friend. That’s next to impossible, I must say.

Mental health and its horrors are not that easy to talk about in this society full of standards and stereotypes. Talk to people who will surely listen, who will not give you the solution but help you out to be better. Hearing nice words and compliments won’t make a depressed person better, they want to hear that no matter what will happen you’re there on their side of the spectrum. Yeah, you hear me right and that’s also respecting their decision to cease their own life. It’s not your battle and you don’t know what’s going on inside them. You may state your thoughts about the situation but don’t provide solutions and force it. Trust me, don’t. Just don’t.

(pause for a minute)

.

.

.

Think of a long road trip to nowhere.

.

.

.

Selfish people will hold you down and will tell you that it’s scary and might probably let you go but with road maps, phone, drawn directions, emergency contact numbers and a handy pepper spray. My point is that they wanted you to be safe. It’s selfish because they simply don’t want to lose you and just want to keep you safe even if you’re too full of the world and want to escape. On the other hand, those who loved deeply will just let you go and will let you enjoy the journey. No trackers, no self defense stuff and probably won’t really require you a knapsack for your clothes. Some people might think that these folks never cared about you but in reality they are the ones who cared more.

What I am saying is that, I grew up in a world full of love and happiness. Too dreamy but it was my reality. My dad is amazing and my mom, although strict is as equally amazing as my father. My uncle who has been supportive and been proud of who I became during my early years was also awesome. They did protect and discipline me yet hold me accountable of my actions/decisions during the whole course of my teenage life. There were days I felt they didn’t even trust me because they sound condescending at times but eventually I realized that they were just afraid that I might get lost in this world full of bad decisions to make.

Even if I am too shy to share my struggles to them, I know that they will support me no matter what and that made me persevered to be better. The trust my parents gave me paved way to me achieving things I never thought of reaching. The goals are growing so as my drive. Depression bottled up inside me for a lot of factors and still haunts me sometimes. Also, losing some of my life’s VIPs just worsen the situation.

Several breakdowns and lone moments were experienced ages ago but I kept going.

I can still recall the days I cried and wished to just simply die. I woke up with a heavy heart and looked at my bedroom wall with suicidal thoughts in mind. It was a lonely journey.

… but also a beautiful one.

Quarter life crisis hit me and the journey of self discovery happened. One fine day when frustrations built up, I booked myself a flight to Cebu. I was 22 then. It was my first time to travel alone and my fear that it will be my last became my nirvana, my sanity break. So, whenever life hits me hard, I go. I go to new places to breathe and explore the world on a different perspective. It makes me feel normal and a totally different person. I am who I am and I am at my happiest.

The beaches were my sanctuary. The blue skies comfort my soul and the sunsets I experienced make me want to live each day a little longer. I am hoping to feel that same moment of awe and gratefulness all over again thus my wanderlust won’t cease to exist.

I never wanted to be understood for I’ve understand that not all will empathise on the choices I made. If I don’t want to be in your circle then I won’t force myself to fit in. I am a free person with an opinionated mind, a mouth who simply shuts up whenever I have nothing good to say ( unless I am drunk or something) and a heart full of love to the broken ones.

I know I cannot save everybody but I still want to save most.

I treat people based on how they treat me and others. I give too many chances to some. I burn bridges and never restore it. I battle fights worth battling and I keep those people of value who’ve prove their worth over time. There are the ones I love to be with and have earned my trust; those who deserve to see my laughters; my crazy side; the one who talks non-stop and jokes around until your stomach hurts. I show myself to those who kept me sane over the years and for friendships that have stood the test of time and transcends wherever we may be.

Lastly, I want to thank people who’ve come and go in my life for you’re those that I exactly need to be in my journey. We may or may not be part of each other’s lives anymore but you folks where the ones I need to grow and be who I am today. I can’t thank you enough( swearing to God I am not being sarcastic). I learned a lot through the years and I’ve been mature in dealing with this. One realization struck me a few months ago though — after all that I’ve been through and all the reckless decisions I made, only I can save myself.

inspirational, life

Things I Learned From My Mom

Of all the millions of people in the world, we are given two people who brought us to be who we are as of the very moment — our parents. Most of us if given a chance would want to live a different life. If I can change the story of my life I would want my dad to live longer and with both parents a little younger because how happy life could be to travel with the two most valuable people of my life. If only I can live my life again, I’ll do anything to make that dream a reality.

I haven’t write that much about my mom for quite some time. I don’t want to be so melodramatic but it’s time for you guys to know this and probably learn a thing or two. Mother’s day is so overrated and saying I love you seems to be so awkward but I guess it’s just the way it is in our household. I know we love each other but we’re not so vocal about it. Same goes in every person I deal with that are special to me.

I want to share to everyone what I learned from my mother after all these years in various aspects of my life because I know you’ll be inspired and probably think about what you learned from your mom too. Please do share it for the world to see. Comment your link so I can see it too. 🙂

On Choices.

My mom would always tell me to enjoy my life no matter what. She never meddles in my decisions especially during college on what course I will take. She never convinced me to take up nursing even if half of my classmates choose to be nurses and even if her friends would tell her that it would be better if I will be a nurse someday. I once heard my mom talking to her friends that she will just let me choose whatever I want because she does not want to be blamed if I fail. I am so happy that she trusts me and never ceases to be proud of who I am regardless of what decisions I’ve made. Every achievements, every medals and awards I have is all for her. 

On Traveling.

My parents love long drives and going to beaches. They are always out of town during summer and always make time to unwind as a couple to various places. My mom used to tell me to travel while I’m single because once I get married priorities will change. I should also travel with my husband to know more about him and to rekindle the love especially if both of you are too preoccupied with your work. Today, I travel a lot to places whether I am alone or with friends. Every adventure has a beautiful memory to remember and that’s what my mom taught me, to create memories while I can through various adventures. We need to travel to experience life and share to others how beautiful this world we are living in.

On Love.

Mom had my dad when she’s already 37. She accepted the fact that she’ll be a spinster and already prepared for that kind of life until she met an old guy, a retired lieutenant colonel who works in Clark Airbase as a flight instructor. She never liked my dad even after they dated for quite some time but this guy is so persistent. He drives his Mustang and blows his horn each day in front of my mom’s boutique just to say hi until they had the chance to talk. Several dates after and my mom fell in love ( I assume) especially after my dad’s mom wrote her a letter stating that she’ll take care of my dad because she is his world now. It was a May-December love affair and that my dad is a separated guy in the US with one son. It was too much to take but she did. My mom will always tell me not to rush in finding the love of my life. Find someone who loves you more than you love him. 

On Enemies.

I can say my mom is pretty much a war freak because when she hears someone talking behind her back she tends to confront that person and worst hurt that person. She used to tell me stories about how she kicked someone ass, bruised someone’s eye and bled someone’s nose. It’s so physical that I cannot imagine be in that situation. Thanks to my dad’s control and patience I am not like my mother. My mom would tell me that nobody is allowed to make one less so I should always stand up on what is right and never let anyone put me down even if takes a God-damned fight. I should always defend myself especially if they are spreading rumors and false accusations. If it’s your fault apologize and if it’s not, don’t let any bastards put your self-esteem down.

On Challenges.

Life will always surprise as with many challenges that can actually make or break us. My mom had a fair share of God’s test that made her the strongest person I know. She was not able to finish college because my grandfather casted her out of their home because she doesn’t like her stepmom. She went to Manila and live with her older sister and survived on her own. My mom is street-smart and knows how to manage her time and money. She persevered despite the numerous test of faith she needs to surpass but it made her better. She is so strong because I cannot even think how I can survive if I was in her shoes. After my dad died, my mom took all the responsibilities and gave me the life I  wanted. She sacrificed a lot for me even her most  precious jewelries just for  me to finish college and buy me computer. She let go  of things she love just for someone whom she values most. I  will forever be indebted to her and I will be forever grateful that I got an awesome mom. She will always tell me to be strong no matter what because I can no longer depend on anyone except myself. 

 On Faith.

God always make us face ordeals that are too much to bear but we always survive as what Kelly Clarkson says “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. My mom never questioned God and her faith in him is never stained. We are deists, we don’t go to church every Sunday nor follow traditions but our faith in our Supreme Being will always be there. Our faith in God’s will keep us alive. My mom would always tell me to pray and believe that God will always provide the answers and what we pray for in time. Trust God all the time no matter what.

On Being Me.

My mom is well respected not because of any degrees or whatever but because she exhibit that confidence in her whenever she walks around. Her aura tells people around that she demands to be respected. I don’t know if it’s just the way I see her when I was a child but my mom is not just beautiful but also formal. I never see her laughing boisterously. She exhibits elegance when in a huge crowd and I’m deeply insecure of how she can manage to be so prim and proper while I’m… not like her. She’s a woman who’s conservative and flirting with boys is not necessary just to grab attention. A man, if she likes you will climb mountains just to have you. I am wondering where on Earth does she exhibit that kind of mindset but in all honesty she attracts the right kind of people. I guess my way of thinking about love, lust and sex is influenced by her. I should be in control of my body and just give it to someone who deserves it, someone I truly love. It’s not something we just do just because libido dictates it — it’s an act of love. We need to leave something for ourselves all the time. Our dignity and pride should always be there because people will no longer respect you if you keep on giving them what they want and if you let your guards down just to be happy. My mom always remind me that I need to choose what is right than what makes me happy. Happiness should be pure and not selfish. Happiness is when you chased it without hurting anyone just to fulfill your heart’s desire. My mom always remind me that I’ll be better off alone than be a mistress or a third party in someone’s relationship. I should not be just thinking on how to benefit myself alone, Instead I should be good by choosing what is right all the time because it’s the only thing that would make me sleep peacefully at night.

On Sexuality.

My mom during her teenage days is a tomboy. She hates dresses and always hang out with the boys. She is sporty and adventurous. Plays softball, lawn tennis, table tennis, badminton, squash and golf during her younger days and well versed in handling all kinds of guns. She knows a lot about cars and drink with friends. My mom is a guy’s best pal and her brothers’ favorite sister because she totally understands their whims. I am just like my mom right now except for the sports part because I am geeky compared to her. I prefer to write, read and scribble stuff. Despite my guy like mindset and gestures we are both sure that we are girls. I wanted a man not a woman as a partner and just the thought of  having same sex relationship makes me gag but of course society would tell us that women should wear dresses, prim and proper and all those BS we saw in print ads and TV. Whatever. My mom told me to be who I am regardless what society dictates you to be as long as you are not doing anything to harm others. Be yourself and be secure on what you feel regardless what other people think of you.

 On Finances.

My mom is not a wise spender though but she learned a lot from my father when it comes to managing finances. She buys what she wants and always prefer quality above anything else. Even if it’s expensive she’ll buy it for quality sake. She is not convinced that cheap products can last long. She always choose what is best. She is also preparing long term and would want everything to be secured when the time comes. Our life didn’t turn out to be what she expected but I never saw her panicking when things became rough and lost her investments. She still remained calm and made ways to provide my needs. The quality of the products she bought years ago actually made us survive​ during our dark days because we were able to sell it. We lost our cars and jeepneys, almost all of her jewelries and even our home. It’s now my time to take charge and give back. I swear I’ll do anything to fix our life. My mom deserves to live the life she used to live before.

 On Being a Mom.

I am not yet a mother but my mom taught me already to give everything I can to my child. She did it to me and I’m proud of who I became right now. It’s so difficult to have me as a daughter because I rarely talk about my life until I could not take it anymore. It’s purely rants and my negativities can sometimes drain people especially my mom. I don’t rant much about life with my friends but with my mom I do. I realized how draining it can be to listen to someone you consider your life talking about how she hated her life, the life you build for her. I felt so bad today knowing that thought and I hope I can still make up for all the pains I caused her. I know she’s proud of me but I still haven’t told her that I’m still willing to go same ordeal as long as she’s my mom. 

I haven’t told her how much I love her but one thing is for sure, no matter how I wanted to end my life and escape everything… there will always be that one person that makes me want to live and that is you Mama. I will never ever forgive myself if I will just leave you here all alone to face this lifetime. I cannot imagine my life without you and it scares me the most though. Please don’t leave me yet until I find a stronger reason to hold on because if I lose you right now, I’ll pretty much prefer to end it all. Life will be pointless without you in it. You’re all that I have right now. I love you. 

inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog

The Power of Self – Awareness

I find people amusing. Each of us has our own stories to tell, various backgrounds that mold us on who we are today and different types of personalities that make this world a little lot interesting.

I am one of those gazillions of people living on Earth today.

There are actually lots of personal battles I’m going through despite my all known positive demeanor. I might share some trivial facts about me just because I’m in the urge to blog what feel.

I’m like a coach, pushing people to be their best and learn to love what they do. Quitting was never an option to me. I don’t easily give up no matter how it’ll hurt, no matter how many times I’m subject to such rejection. I’m resilient, patient and definitely persistent.

I am hard – headed. I do things my way especially if it works for me in the past. 

I have my own biases. I don’t listen to people who for me is stupid and does not make any sense.

I am not sweet, not the affectionate kind of girl. I feel so awkward when I try to be thoughtful. I was not born in an outspoken household who confesses to the world how they love each other. I know my parents love me and I love them too but saying I love you in person is really awkward.

I am independent. I don’t like to rely on other people. I don’t like it when I’m someone else’s responsibility not that I’m proving something or whatsoever. I just don’t like that idea. I don’t want to owe anyone anything as much as possible. I want to be responsible of everything that I do because I’m also responsible of my own failure. I don’t want to blame people of my pitfalls.

In relation to me being independent is my unreasonable trust issues. You can’t just make me open up and lay all my cards in the table. Blame it to my pride in some instances but I’m just really the private type. If people starts to open up to me, I swear to God I’m really promising not to break that trust. I’m proud of the people I shared my life with as they’ve accepted me for who I am and kept my secrets guarded.

I love selflessly. Love makes me stupid, vulnerable and weak. It’s like my Achilles heel. And no matter how I tried to fight my feelings, at the end of the day I usually give in. I still pray that I’ll found someone who totally understands me and will definitely tame my independent, hard-headed and egocentric side.

Also, I tried to commit suicide multiple times but I just can’t do it. Depression drives me nuts but I’m glad that increasing my self-esteem and self-awareness really helped me a lot. I acknowledged that life will never go my way all the time. I learned that I’m not always right and that I too can be a failure. I suck at several things and instead of sulking into desperation, I just accept it and move forward.

I plan a lot. I know how I planned my life during my teenage years thus the frustration I feel today. I’m not even halfway in my bucket list. I don’t feel any sense of fulfillment at this age. Honestly, I still don’t know what I really want to happen in my life.

I took up graduate studies to learn more but here I am desperately trying my best to comprehend managerial and financial accounting. I know I’m not really into business and how stupid I am to take the risk of studying something that is actually my weakness. No wonder I’m doomed but it’s a decision I made so I’ll finished what I’ve started.

I want to travel and explore the world. It’s been my dream, to be an ambassador of something. Here I go again in trying to make this world a livable place. A constant reminder to myself:  “I’m not a superhero!”

There are things that have happened that is still not sinking into my system just like my recent promotion if you can actually call it that way. It’s not that I’m surprised or something because I know I deserved it, it’s just that I’m not really too giddy about it. It’s not something I would actually die for, just something that would feed my ego — an affirmation of my worth in the company. I never like politics so wherever I am, I know it’s hard earned. Now that I’ve reached a certain status quo, my mission is then again prove that I can be a good leader despite my own personal issues that I need to straighten out.

I am still learning more about myself. The beauty of writing my thoughts is for me to read it someday and realized that today is actually significant in my tomorrow, that maybe this lost feeling is actually just a period of transformation prepping me up for a much brighter future if not at least a better and bolder person.

If only I can turn back time, I could have tweak something in my life and that would probably my understanding on certain events. Of course, I am thankful on how things turned out to be because it made me lot better. Life’s been tough but glad that I victoriously survived all the ordeals. Today seems to be just a prelude to another challenging yet fulfilling chapter.

I yearn for that day when everything finally makes sense. When all the confusion, the pains, the weariness and the tears will actually disappear and a new wisdom about life follows. I know someone out there feels the way I do and I hope he or she won’t just give up. I’m still holding on to my faith. I trust God and his plans for me. Who am I to question his grander plan? Time is of the essence here. I trust him when he says wait and I trust him more when he says NO.

Life’s chaotic but you really need to find your zen or else you’ll lose your sanity. There are times, most of the time perhaps that I feel like I’m stuck in a hapless situation and that it sucks to pretend I’m fine when I’m actually not. I imbibed this chill persona because it made me less insane with life. I always took some moments off my daily routine such as walking or blogging to connect to my inner self. It’s a stressful world we’re all in, problems growing if left unattended, deadly deadlines to beat and the demands of people are just too much to take. It took me a while to master this zen aura though. I’m always mad as what Hulk said in Avengers but I need to control my emotions. I drew wisdom from past experiences and spent few hours contemplating. I’ve nursed my bruised ego several times and realized that someone out there is actually better than me so I just need to know myself more and find my own spotlight.

Invest only in good karma and learn to forgive because it makes life hell lot better. So that’s basically it — learn the art of self – awareness that will lead you to accept yourself in ways you never thought you can and in the end will surely boost your own self esteem making you a better person.

inspirational, journal, Life Blog, people

Can You Keep A Secret: This Ain’t A Review

I spent my Sunday reading Sophie Kinsella’s book “Can You Keep A Secret? “. I was in awe on how I am totally engrossed with it that I was able to finished it in a day. It’s not a life – changing, nerve – wracking and inspirational book, it’s just one entertaining piece of literature just perfect enough to waste my time because I feel so indifferent after having such an I – don’t – know kind of Saturday.

My Saturday sucks and I would admit I am so into the idea of drowning it away with beer or rum. Seriously, after eating rice bowl in Grill Guru, I had this crazy desire of being drunk because I have piles of miseries all waiting to be thrown away to nirvana but I choose to walk and did window shopping and spotting something to buy for the Christmas season. I had the worst score in my exam history. I now declare to the world how I hate accounting and how it depresses me. I hate how we learn accounting in graduate school wherein 80% is more on us reporting topics we are unsure about and 20% of it is our beloved teacher’s lecture which I must admit is understandable than my classmate’s boring blabs.

I guess my quest in finding myself is actually getting somewhere. I partly blame myself for my failure but I blame my accounting professor for being not a good professor. I know he’s smart and all those sorts but I just don’t find it sensible to have those students who are not even well versed to talk about accounting and expect them to effectively relay their understanding to their fellow students who has no background in accounting. For Chrissake!

Anyways, I am doomed. I already sulk into tears months back trying to figure out if I made the right decision of taking up MBA when I am a complete moron in accounting. Oh lord.

————- whatever —————

Honestly, there are lots of secrets I too keep. Just like Emma, I too have weird secrets.

1. I hate people who spells quiet as quite like cmon?! Can you guys differentiate one from the other?
2. I have secret feelings for my best pal and I don’t even know how to tell him but I believe it’ll die down soon because it’s been years and we’re not actually leveling up. It’s like yeah we care about each other, get drunk together, talk about stuffs then here I am staring into the nothingness — will this work out?  My blog posts actually revolves on him and I have a feeling he knows but glad that he pretends he’s not aware of it.
3. I actually want to confront his ex or not really his ex — whatever!  I want to be a bitch for once just like her.
4. I spy on some Facebook profiles to gather information like CIA — I pattern it quizzically. That was college.
5. My mind is actually a filthy place. I need to filter it out by using my mouth.
6. Coffee is my drug. It shoots me up…  ❤
7. I don’t do drugs. I drink a lot but I’m saying NO to drugs. It’s a promise, a principle I want to live by for the rest of my life.
8. I drink beer, rum, vodka and tequila. I keep some of the bottles in our CR where nobody can actually reached it. I actually want to try whiskey but it burns. Poor liver. I swear I’m going to change my bad habits. At least I don’t destroy my lungs.
9.  I hid myself in the closet several times when I was a kid and let my parents worry where I have been. At 5, I needed peace of mind — nah,  just want people to worry about me.
10. I hate when my mom misses the time or when she keeps on repeating things, saying it over and over again plus trying to make a conversation with no sense just for the sake of having a conversation. I know I’ve been indifferent lately but honestly I’m just scared and I don’t actually know how to deal with an aging parent. I just can’t take it. 11. How I mentally think of him and voila he finally texts me or calls me… I can’t help it, I feel so extremely giddy.
12. How I hate to be put in a very awkward situation like when I’m with guys and they start to talk about secret boy stuffs they do in the bathroom then they noticed me and then voila — awkward silence. I hate it but I always initiate to break the ice and change
the topic. Major hassle… 
13. When I don’t get those double meaning jargons … it actually frustrates me when I don’t get it. Sheeez!?!
14. I stupidly used a metal fork once to get that jammed bread in the toaster thus it electrocuted me.
15. I tried to revive a dead goldfish by resuscitation when I was in sixth grade.
16. I laughed out loud when watching horror movies especially if I’m with group of friends so as when watching love scenes.
17. I am actually horrified with the idea that he might have read my previous posts and finds out that I write about him. He might end our friendship.
18. If I find you stupid, nothing that you’ll say will matter. Whether you’re a senior, my boss or a stranger… I’ll do it my way, I don’t care what you say.
19. I hate the free coffee in our pantry, it gives me diarrhea.
20. I hate waiting. Seriously.
21. I broke my mom’s favorite Glen Miller CD and pretended that it was actually her fault she scratched it.
22. I’ve got this weird dreams about cars even though I don’t know how to drive. Yeah, someday soon I’ll buy one. Hard earned money — YES!
23. I despise people who works in a call center and promised myself not to work for one because it’s a no-brainer job but here I am almost 5 years in this industry. I really learned a lot but still I am not proud. Having a tough degree and working in a call center heightens my insecurities…  What have happened to my dreams? My plans?  My life? I am a team lead trainee with a jaded future though I’m working hard, emitting a positive demeanor, sleeping my beautiful weekends away, working on my Master’s degree yet feeling stupid in Accounting and engaging in self destructing acts that make me happy. Yeah. Welcome to my life.
24. Fudge.  I am actually getting crazier, thinking of settling down and raise a family of my own. For a person who hates commitment, it’s scary. I want my own happy ever after but yeah some bitch I mean witch might be laughing her ass out at me then post another Facebook status telling me that happy ever after does not exist in this world — maybe in mine but not in his world. I’m referring again to her ex or not really ex… Whatever who believes she’s Aurora awaken by a drunken kiss. Pathetic. I’m glad she’s busy in finding herself with God she won’t bother me anymore by her immature acts. I might lose her as a friend but I don’t really care. If she does not understand why bother?

Lastly, I’m battling depression. I don’t think I need medical attention yet because I have a feeling this will actually fade away. It’s this quarter life crisis thing. It’s when you realized that at 24 you’re going nowhere. I feel like shit. I have been an outstanding student. I never failed my parents. I never did anything stupid. My solution to this depressing situation I’m in is getting drunk or write. I also sulk in my room, listen to music and read magazines, self help books and indulge in social media. I am fully aware of my actions but life gets so frustrating I just need a breather and be with people who understands.

Nobody gets me I guess… Well not in a way I get myself of course. I’m lucky to have great sets of friends who knows how to deal with my craziness. I’m an ambivert – a mixture of an introvert and extrovert. I cherished solitude and be with people I can get along. There are times I feel like a total failure. There are times I don’t actually understand why things are bound to happen. There are times I want to confront him and ask him if he loves me because this guessing game usually makes me frustrated. I must admit I’m jealous when he’s with someone who’s eyes keep on sparkling when he talks. Jealousy — not good. Gawd, I’m imagining things and suddenly gets mad then suddenly lose my own gift of reason. I just hate it when the green-eyed monster takes over me.

I’m insane — or maybe I’m actually normal. Faith is all I need.

I don’t know.

I just hope I’ll found my own Jack Harper.

I hope I’ll finally get this mess I’m in straight.

image

Via: http://Icanrelateto.com

I’ve got deadlines to beat and I’m actually hating the fact that I’ll be taking up managerial accounting next semester again. I hate dealing with 18 individuals whose personalities differ but I actually have to because I wanted to challenge myself and the company is paying me to do so. It’s actually draining me when they emit all the bad vibes in the world and I need to fuckibg absorb it. I hope they’ll feel that I’m doing everything I can for them and all I ask is cooperation. As much as I want to move mountains and let those ends meet, I cannot. Cmon… Not all the time it’ll go your way so I rather hear sighs of relief than complaints. If you keep on complaining — quit your job. We don’t need whiners. I too have issues but I won’t let it affect my life in the workplace. I know I need to brush my own personal shits and be the bigger person. I can definitely pull this act well… Must read more leadership articles and the likes.

I hate how things are actually going on with my life. I must be just stressed out or something. I hate the fact that I’m here blogging about how depressing things can be and how I hate those misspelled words that I see. I don’t actually know if someone might actually care after reading this or some random stranger might accused me of being the modern psychopath. I don’t actually know how to define what I feel. All I know is that I have deadlines and work deliverables to meet.

Oh God, help me out here. Can you just set aside some of my feelings?  Geez.

Now, this ain’t a review of a book I just recently read. It’s a blab about my awesome life at 24. Finally, after almost a month…  I had wrote something. I think I’m on a dry spell of some sort that no matter how hard I tried, I was not able to write but glad to be back on track.

And that’s how my weekend…

Oh my, Monday once again. Fudge.

inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog

Sort of.

image

It has always been that way… I guess I have this unwritten mission of saving people, of making life a hell lot better and livable but not all the time though you reap what you sow. I cannot just sit there pretending I’m actually fine when I’m not — I know I’m not. I feel like a bomb wanting to explode. I cannot remember the last time I’ve stood up for what I think is right without going ballistic. I am a universe full of secrets. I know my hot buttons and yes I’m on the verge of losing it all for no logical reason. I just feel it.

I’ve realized that all this time my life revolves too much on others, of constantly understanding, of believing that life is full of good things and I’ll be setting the difference — the change the world wanted to see as per Mahatma Gandhi.

I’m just human.

I cared too much. I loved too much. I tried to fix broken parts of people and I’m lured to that nonsense. I fell for someone who does not even know how to figure his life and here I am playing dice with the Gods pushing my luck to a love with no guarantee. I’m not saying that he’s not good because he is, he’s even a great friend but he’s just not that into all those commitment shit. It’s so hard to figure him out, even harder to define what we have because it has always been his trend.

He does not commit.

When I found out that I’m actually reconsidering lots of things as I approach my quarter life dilemmas, the thought of spending my life with someone like him is equally amazing and at the same time daunting. The waiting part is so draining I can no longer figure it out. Who am I into your life? A question I always ask myself and I always get the same painful answer from the deepest recesses of my brain — FRIENDS.

Today, I felt so drained out. I feel nothing as I gazed into your eyes. It’s like giving up but still hoping things will changed. I wish you can still change and make me believe that I’m special, that you can never live normally anymore because I already made a mark in your life. I want you to feel how different your world without me in it. I tried to somehow define what we have hoping you’ll step up and treat me like nobody else. You came unexpectedly in my life and knowing how I cope with pain, I can shut you out of it. Friendship levels suck, I have lots of guy friends I can banter and taunt with. You — you changed me, my maturity levels to the point of me facing the hauntings of my past hoping that what we have can be something quite different, my own leap of faith to a world I never intended to go back to.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of constantly deciphering circumstances, of thinking why you waste your time texting me and why I also find myself replying to your random texts, of figuring out why we spend our lunches together talking about mundane stuffs, of spending random weekend nights drinking and raving like there’s no tomorrow, of sharing our own skeletons and demons without any fear of being judge. Now, tell me who am I not to fall for your attention?

You know how I hate being vulnerable. I am egocentric, a trait I am constantly battling with but a trait that made me a winner. I fight so hard, drain out my energy into something I truly believed in. I guess not all battle is worth fighting just like the battle between my mind and my feelings. I just can’t take this anymore because I’m supposed to be more than this. I deserved a man who would blatantly tell me that he can’t live without me and not someone who would like to play the guessing game until you don’t know when. It’s frustrating, devastating and depressing to give up right now especially that I have too much pressure at work and at school. I don’t actually know where to place myself in my chaotic world and all I asked for is a little redemption from the most special person in my life but he is not willing to save me.

image

I’ve been too indulge by the thoughts of you that I’m missing a lot in my life. Those things we could have explored together… whatever. I’m just too busy holding on to my feelings without even realizing that letting you go would give me the chance to find a man who would actually love me and without any hesitations tell me that I’m his world. I spent my nights and days blogging about my feelings to the point that your past judge me of believing that happy ever after exist. It does not exist!  *** breaks glass

This is quite a long post, of emotions being stirred by pressure, stress and lack of sleep. I don’t know if I’ll regret whatever I blogged when I wake up later on. These are my emotions  and I cannot find the best outlet to vent it all out. I wanted to scream. All I wanted is for you to take time but it seems that my opinion no longer matters and my company became too ordinary. It’s fine.

I’m fine.

inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog

Life. 08.24.14

Quarter life crisis.

Dear God,

I know you know how much I’ve been through. I have no idea how I survived until now. It’s hard to juggle things and feel like a superhero. It sucks knowing people depend on you. I never appreciated myself too much though, what I know is that I am good and when I want something so badly, I worked hard for it until someone came along the way and told me that I’m actually good and can even be great. All of my life I wanted to achieve things to make my mom proud and I know I’ve accomplished that mission but it did not end there, I still feel so incomplete.

Here I am, writing away my feelings and acknowledge my sadness. I am sad despite all the good things that have come my way, maybe because I am getting tired of being a superhero and stop myself from saving people, from understanding, from helping … I’m tired of being like this for all the damn years I lived. I want someone to save
me. I want someone to take care of me and be with me in my quest to make this world better.

I can’t find him still.

It double sucks when you’ve found someone whom you really like but he has a different preference though. I am a sucker for a man who has that wit and that every conversation seems to have a lot of sense and is very mature enough in dealing life as we all know it.

Lastly, I know I’ve been blabbing about someone for years here but I just can’t really figure him out until I finally give up. If someone loves you, he’ll go after you… I guess it’s already too long and it’s better this way, to just simply care for someone and be buddies.

Oh God, I still don’t know how to go about my life but I don’t want depression to eat the best part of me. It’s a constant struggle. I’m stressed, I’m tired and I’m sad but I won’t give up because you’re there, my friends are there and life is still livable though.

Yeah. Thanks a lot Lord.

inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog, people

Just Because It’s Sunday … 08.10.14

Good morning says the sun and I’m in my room getting drowned by Spotify’s hottest tracks and my thoughts wandering into Nirvana.

I had an amazing dream that surely fueled me the energy to survive this day. My subconscious is telling me that I’m happy whenever we’re together doing nothing but laughing at each other and that we are always looking for good food. We look for food even in dreams.

Anyways, it’s not the meat of the matter here. You see I haven’t wrote about my feelings since last week perhaps. I am thankful for the positive changes in my life because I know I’ve wanted this. I admit I’m scared, idk if I can pull this out well. I’ve said that it was indeed a challenge accepted but I’m afraid if I will emerged victorious in the end. Of course, I will (ahuh ). I don’t want to pressure myself at all. I just want to enjoy my new role and I want to make the best of graduate school. I want to succeed in both worlds that I am in and even bargained  God for a love life. My choices do not totally define me but I like my choices. I am determined enough to compel my life to its betterment. Only few knows my story and despite my positive demeanor lies some untold stories, some skeletons I hide just because… I trust only few people and only few knows my drama because truth be told, I prefer my life to be private. I hate explaining my life, this is my life – who cares right? It’s meant for people who would understand but never for those who judge.

I am thankful though for people who’ve accepted me for who I am. I recently told someone special about my life, my so called dysfunctional life only to realized that he too is facing a somewhat like battle. He accepted my story and even offered to help. I don’t know if I deserved such a beautiful soul but I know he was God given. I’ve thank God for him because unconsciously he helped me in closing some chapters of my life and live it as chill as possible. He’s my muse, the boy behind my posts… the boy I won’t get tired of loving and caring, the boy I want to spend the rest of my life with if God permits it. I’ve let go and let God decides what’s best. I don’t want to push it if it’s not meant to be. In God’s perfect time, I’ll be with my the one.

I still fear the word commitment though but slowly I am embracing its beauty and why it’s necessary.

Anyways, I’m blabbering again. The gist here is to just let things happen and never forced it. Trust his will no matter how tragic is happening in your life. I came from a point wherein being strong is the only choice I have and here I am right now, stained but better.

I remembered what have happened last summer. I feel shitty… at wits end kind of shit. I did my best in graduate school only to realized I will never  graduate with honors anymore because of an academic issue I never intended to. I’ve learned things the hardest way and I don’t understand still why I deserved its consequences. I will not rehashed what have happened because of course… ill thoughts are poison that can kill my positive cells. I don’t hold grudges because its toxic so I rather forgive but never forget.

What’s the point of all of this, you might wonder. Yesterday, I was on my way to our classroom when I saw last year’s dean’s list. I checked my name but I was not able to find it. I shrugged it off because of course I know that my chance for the coveted honors no longer exist. I was literally shocked though when I found my name under the president’s list.

Lamb, Sharon Carol S.

I felt something within me. Elephants running amuck in my tummy and a sudden hangover like feeling. Oh shit.

Oh shit, again.

I’m not part of the Dean’s list but the President’s list — the highest amongst all and only 5 of us made it.

I want to rejoice but tidal waves of memories and my bitterness of what have happened last summer is splashing my conscious mind. I shifted from being giddy to early stages of depression. People congratulating me seems to be just bees buzzing, I couldn’t hear them because my thoughts were too loud as it screams away from the haunt of memories.

I thought I’ve moved on but nope, I’m in deep shit still. I guess I still can never get away from that feeling. Oh well.

Being accused as a cheater won’t define me. I know my worth. I know myself. I guess I’ll see the beauty of where I am someday when everything is well and it will all then make sense.

Here I am, drowned again by my thoughts and my emotions. I have lots of things to whine about but I have thousands of things to thank God for. Let me still fill the world with good vibes even if I have issues to face. It’s part of growing up, you know.  🙂

Until my next crazy post…

inspirational, journal, life, Life Blog

It’s Another Monday Ramble

The weather makes me want to write as random thoughts crowding my mind so better yet it’s about time for me to look for a good muse ( I need that random kick to get started just so you know). I opened my bedside drawer and scanned the product of my midnight ramblings a decade ago… I found out several journals and notebooks all filled with my stories, my frustrations, my joy and er yeah my life, of course.

I’m a random kid who loves to write and blog. I think I have this crazy handwriting fetish because I like seeing my handwriting on various medium and I like how absurd my thoughts can be. I like how my mind works and hate it when it over thinks. I’m like hey hey wait a minute you’re getting way out the axis, chill brain… ( I’m sorry for another monologue episode ).

Okay, here I go with my thoughts and thirst to write. I feel a little lot tired and desperate. Tired because things are happening all at once and I’m pressuring my mind to work like shit because it’s not working lately or should I say refused to work because she knows I need to work on my accounting case studies. I hate it. I guess I might need a separate blog post for my rants about it though. Anyways, I’m tired because of accounting and desperate because of it too. I actually don’t know if I still love graduate school or not. Whatever.

Moving on to the good vibes…

It’s a Monday and I’ve been unproductive. I’m not in the mood to work on my graduate school papers. I don’t worry much about work because I’ve already started my deck for our meeting later. Last week, I’m actually losing myself because of jealousy issues. I’ve been too indulge to those CSI-like patterns that I’m actually drifting and made me lose my damn focus on work and school related issues. I resorted to online articles about how to overcome it. I fixed my thoughts and myself. I don’t have the right to feel such nor the right to react because we are not even committed to each other. I acknowledged the feeling and tried to let it go.

So that was a brief summary of my last week’s life story. Now, I’m actually enjoying my sober thoughts.  I’m still kinda lost of what really to do with my life so I just simply make the best of today. Quarter life crisis about to take its toll and I’m getting ready for possible emotional surge that may come my way. I’ve got lots of issues to face and just the thought of it horrifies me so I sit and daydream for a while trying to escape reality. Why worry about tomorrow if I still have today ? Yep, why worry at all?

But I’m worrying.

Now, I’m actually panicking. I’m afraid that my fears and stressors will slowly consume me. I’m afraid that I’ll never get to live as chill as possible. I don’t know. I want to live passionately, doing the things that make me smile, being with someone who’s worthwhile. I want to grasp the meaning of this life I’m currently living. Going to school actually is fun and enlightening because I’m investing on myself but I cannot deny the fact that each day in the academe makes me recall what have happened last summer. Some basic facts actually are slowly killing me and I can never moved on. It hurts like hell and I’m nursing a bruised ego. I want to forget all these shits and possibly drown my worries over a bottle of Cuervo. Yes, I need alcohol or caffeine to make me giddy. I am fully aware that alcohol never  solves a problem neither does milk. So here I am on a not really that gloomy Monday afternoon sorting my thoughts and rehashing my yesteryears.

I thought I’m a grown up already but then I’m not. There are still aspects in my life that I need to work on. There are fears that scare the hell out of me. There’s this confusion about love. There are these battles of what I really want versus what I need to do. Yes, growing up is never easy and being me is even harder.  I’m actually discerning about  my life… am I on the right track?  Too many questions clouded up my mind and I’m again stuck into the fleeting minutes of my time doing absolutely nothing except sorting my ideas and thoughts.

I’ll never be coherent. Whatever.

So I still can’t find my muse nor an interesting topic to blog about. Again, I ended up pouring my innermost feelings about certain aspects of my life and my world. What I wrote is actually the opposite of my cheery demeanor. I maybe an eternal optimist but I can’t hide the fact that I too is a human with a side that I don’t want others to know but I’m slowly revealing it through my blogs and my posts. This is the real me, no pretensions… just a blogger who writes her thoughts online not to impress but to  express.

inspirational, journal, Life Blog, writing

My Superhero. My Favorite Person. My Dad.

Today seems to be just another Sunday in our house. I guess it’s because we really have no one here to greet a happy father’s day. Two decades and a half ago, my dad died of emphysema and multiple organ failure. He was a chain smoker, the main reason why I never tried smoking, I don’t want to die nor someone I love die because of it.

My dad is an American. He was raised up in Indianapolis, Indiana, such a laidback state in the U.S.A.. Just like any American boy, he too joined the corps but he chooses to be part of the U.S. Air Force after he finished his business degree. His life was in the airfield. He pilots a jet plane to bring meds to the wounded during wars. He’s been to different places and bases. Paris was his favorite city, no wonder I dreamt to be there too.

image

Dad for me is the coolest. After he retired as a Lieutenant Colonel, he dedicated his time in teaching aeronautics here in the Philippines when Clark Airbase is still fully operational. He enjoyed owning Chicks Bar, the bar with a pub kind of set up. It’s not a disco bar but solely a bar with a chill ambiance. My dad will never live without his Scotch and cigarettes. I can say he was an alcoholic.

My dad battled his demons but as he aged he accepted the fact that he can’t totally stop it. His vices though didn’t affect too much of his relationship with my mother. He was not a loud mouth. When he drinks, he’s so quiet that each sip calms him. He too is  a caffeine addict and prefers to have his coffee boiling hot and should be black. I guess I too do have his genes.

image

Golf is my father’s favorite sport. He and Mama spend too much of their time in various golf courses. He also plays tennis and swimming. He loves the beach.

Dad loves airplanes, yachts and cars. He used to own a vintage Mercedes and Ford Cortina. He loves to assemble miniature automobiles, ships and planes as his past time. He also loves to scribble, I remembered seeing him on his desk with his glasses on while I watch my favorite cartoons. He loves to bake apples with cinnamon in it, my cousins love it so much. He too bakes different kinds of pie and sweets. He bakes cookies and walk several blocks and then gives it to children in the streets. Dad is such a man full of love.

I am one lucky kid. I was raised in a home full of love and joy. My childhood memories were so great, I can still fully recall. He treated me like a princess. He gave me a toy car that I can drive when I was 3 and from there my interest in cars grew. If he was here, he might have given me a BMW on my 18th birthday. Dad, life will be different if you’re still around.

image

What could have happened if dad is still here?

** I’m a spoiled brat.
** I might be a US citizen already.
** I’ve been enjoying my life without worrying about money.
** I don’t need to work.
** I have a BMW.
** I already pilot a plane.
** I know the formula to bake his most-loved pies.

Honestly, if he’s alive I might have been materialistic. I always get what I want with my dad. It’s actually hard not to have a father during teenage years. I don’t have someone to hug nor someone to bother about Math because it’s his forte. I finished my degree in Computer Science because he wanted that for me. Anything Dad wants, I want. I love ComSci. I graduated with one cool degree not made for people with a weak determination to succeed. I know I made dad proud.

I purchased a book before by Gregory Lang. It’s about why a daughter needs a dad.

image

Here are my favorite reasons :

A daughter needs a dad…

…to learn that when he says it will be okay soon, it will.
…who will laugh at her at all the right times.
…who will always have time to give her hugs and kisses.
…to make the family whole and complete.
…so she will know what it is like to be somebody’s favorite.
…to make the complex simple and the painful bearable.
…to be the safe spot she can always turn to. … to be the standard against which she will judge all men.
…so that she will have at least one hero who will not let her down.
…to tuck her in at night.
…who will let her know that while she may not be the center of someone else’s world, she is the center of his.
…to hold her as she cries.
…to share with her the wisdom she has not yet acquired.
…who teaches her she is important by stopping what he is doing to watch her.
…to teach her the joy of serving others.
…to calm her when she is stressed by her challenges.
…to tell her all that she needs to know about boys.
…to stand with her on the day she marries the man she hopes will be just like her father.
…to teach her what kind of man to choose to be the father of her children.
…to teach her to spend responsibly, save for a rainy day, and give with a generous heart.

image

Life will never be the same without you in it.

Dad, I’m thankful for everything that have happened. I am now a grown up with a beautiful past. All the bad things that have happened, the difficult times we faced without you and the personal challenges I needed to face… they were all part of my past. I learned life the hard way but I didn’t and will never quit. I’m pretty much like you today. A warrior doesn’t just quit with the sight of blood, in fact it gives them more strength to persevere.

I’ll never ceased to make you proud, I’ll still continue to be your girl … it’ll be forever.

I love you, Daddy.