Every year it has been our tradition to put up our Christmas tree days before my birthday. This year I intend not to have it because I feel that there’s nothing to celebrate and it’s my first Christmas without my mother. Yesterday, I looked at the bareness of our living room. Things changed but the tradition should never stop. I gather old boxes where it was stored and hurriedly put up the tree. It deserves to light up the room. My mama and Tito would be very happy seeing our Christmas tree up and it made my heart happier because even if they are no longer with me, I still feel complete because I have something that reminds me of them during Christmas Day.
I miss them so much and I would admit that it’s not easy to move forward. There are instances when I just want to burst out of nowhere especially when memories flood my thoughts. I am still grieving and constantly bargaining to God to give me just a few minutes to hug them. This year, it seems that I lost almost everything but I’m fine with whatever plans God has in store for me.
My life is full of surprises, of good opportunities and great timings. This year you’ve challenged me in ways that I never imagined. I expected that one day I’ll face my fears but not as what you’ve plotted. You heard me scream and cursed your name because I thought that you are purely evil for making me face these kind of obstacles that I thought would make me lose my sanity.
Surprisingly, I’m still fine.
I felt peace in your name, God. When I’ve lost everything I have I knew I still got you. I should stop questioning your plans because I know that no matter how painful today can be, someday it will be a lesson that I should be extremely thankful of. My faith in you God has never been stronger. I always forget but you never failed to remind me of your presence and miracles. You have an exciting way to make me realize that this is not a bad life but just a chapter I don’t understand until I fully read the succeeding ones.
I am beyond grateful for your love and patience. You’ve showered me the grace and strength that I need to survive this year. You’ve witnessed all the pains and I can’t wait for the moment when all of these will make sense. Your plans are way better than mine, Lord. You’ve proven it several times and now I will no longer doubt it.
May the succeeding Christmases be great and that may you continue to remind me that Christmas is all about love and a celebration of our faith to your goodness. I trust you God with all my heart and soul. I thank you for the pains that made me stronger, for the experiences that made me smarter and for all the happy memories that made me humbler.
Bless the people I love and their families with good health. May you continue to shine in Paul’s heart and make him a better version of himself. I trust your plans towards the people I value the most. Please give them the strength they need to surpass the trials they need to face and may they continue their faith no matter how dark their situation can be. Thank you for today and for the days to come. I apologize for the sins I committed and may I be a blessing to others. I love you, God.