personal

Dirty 30.

I’ve reached my most dreaded age, the age wherein I should be married, procreate and already figure out what I really want. I should have passed the quarter life stage with flying colors and start to pursue my passions, well not. According to my recent self check I am not even quite halfway there and I started to practice stoicism. I should stop caring and let just life happen. I think I’m still good.

For the past months, I’ve lost interest to things that I am passionate about. Life sucked all the happy cells inside me and left me with a soul too broken to be fixed. No one sees how my raging emotions destroy me but I kept my calm in public. It takes a lot of skill, I must say. I stand still despite how chaotic my world can be and try to sort things out one problem at a time.

This year is beyond what I ever imagined. I lost people I love so much and value. I lost pets that are family to me. I lost my confidence and half of my self-esteem for some mistakes may it be in life or in work. Being involved in accidents and mistakenly got involved in a hit and run incident just topped it all. My bank accounts are now screaming bankruptcy with debts waving every month.

Cheers to being 30? Fine.

Life humbled me in ways I have never imagined. It built my character in a very unconventional way but I’m thankful. You’ll surely never know what life has in store for you but I get to admit that I’m not as hopeful as before. I am starting to be anxious about mishaps that may happen. Truth is all that have happened this past few months lead me to a state of trauma. It’s hard to move forward with all the fears my mind get to think whenever I think about the future. It is a daily battle I face and hopefully I’ll be back on track.

“It’s so funny how so much of “finding yourself” in adulthood is simply getting back to who you were and what you loved as a child… —@okay_zuri #ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmm ”

artwork by @pioooooon https://t.co/b7dULOkRnn

When we’re kids, we wanted to be adults. When we’re already adults, we wanted to be a child once again. Innocent, worry-free, full of hope. I wish I can turn back time and experience that moment of serenity.

At 30, I wish for peace.

Dear God,

I pray that one day all these traumatic experiences will be just a part of myself and that it will no longer cripple me to move forward in life. I pray that I’ll be able to find meaning in everything I do because right now, success and failures don’t feel special anymore. I feel dispensable and my skills are no longer at its prime. Oh God, help me for I’ve long those days when everything feels right again. May these challenges make me feel alive once again after I heal my wounds. Let my mind continue to see the best possible scenarios rather than be clouded by negativities. I’ll trust your power Oh Lord.

Amen.

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