personal

Mindful Sunday.

I woke up feeling less energize than before. I slept for almost 12 hours and it still feels like I haven’t slept at all. I refused to believe that I am suffering from depression or any mental illness anymore. Life and its corresponding mishaps became my truth, I became resilient over time with a realization that despair is part of my existence. Accepting the truth no matter how distasteful it can be is necessary for growth and maturity. I go with the flow and co-exist with my myriad feels each day. I think I am normal as I still see light in times of darkness.For the past years I’ve been absorbing experiences that have let me see how the world who I used to believe is a beautiful place turns out to be a nightmare.The past months engulfed me in a realm where I want to stop the pain I feel in my soul. I was angered by the series of misfortunate events and that of all the billions of people in the world, God picked on me. He seems to be fond of my despair. Smirking as I endure all the pain. Smiling as I cursed at him. He might think that it’s part of his grandiose plan and that I should just be a sport to all of his games. I prayed for one love that will lasts forever only to end up with another round of uncertainty. I just wished you never answered prayers and make me feel like it was before — it’s just the same feels I have when I realised that I am not worth the words. It’s extreme this time because from words here comes the future. You make me believe once again that this will work out but having a jaded future where I am not even part of it won’t work God. How broken do I need to be for you to save me. Well, I honestly do not get why I experienced too much trials this year and that he didn’t even give me the chance to breathe. God, if you’re a coach then you suck. You are slowly getting into my nerves with all the game plans laid on me, plotted for my own doom rather than my win. I screamed. I yelled. I cried. I fell into the pit of despair. I wanted to die… again. Probably you’re watching me containing your laughter because I don’t get your game.I know that no matter how I wanted to die, my gut just don’t have the full courage to do it. I looked at myself and how life has stained my soul. I looked at myself full of unseen bruises with a little hope that shines in her eyes. I looked at myself a little more and realized that no matter how shitty my life is, I still manage to be kind.There’s still hope inside of me.*****************************************Today, our house even if there’s music on feels silent. It’s not the usual. It all has a certain nostalgic vibe that brought me back years ago. I walked towards the kitchen not knowing what to feel and watched the view outside. It feels like a lonely December afternoon, gloomy and cold. The wind rustles the leaves and the sun shines a little after the dark cloud passed by. I never felt this feeling after a long while without bursting into tears. This is my new reality. It has been 5 months since my mom’s death and slowly the pain seems to be bearable. I can write about how I feel without the fear of being paralysed by a worst episode of anxiety attack. After 29 years, mild anxiety attacks haunt me. The trauma for the past months brought me into this state. It is intensified by my thoughts and memories. Circumstances do trigger it and I find myself bursting into tears while driving, hyperventilating as I hold my shoulders trying to calm myself before I die in an accident. No one gets to see those episodes. No one needs to see how I struggle for air. I try to calm my mind by thinking of things that I still want to happen in my life. I think of the future. I think of my own strength and that I am not mentally ill. I am traumatized by loss. I’ll be fine.I rarely pull over to calm myself as I eventually breathe normally after indulging into a state of daydream and deep breathing. My anxiety attacks and how my heart wanted to bursts are just fleeting events. I’ll be Okay, I constantly remind myself.There are days when I envy people who seem to got it all figured out. Social media showcases some people I know who are living their lives while I am in my dark room wishing I too someday can travel again and see what the world has to offer. I have been lamenting into the debts I need to pay and the loneliness I need to bear this coming holiday season. I breathe heavily now. Tears slowly running down my face. I acknowledge the sadness, the reality I used to refuse is now part of my system.I embraced how darkness became my bestfriend. It is not easy to be in my situation. Every single day I drag myself to move when it feels so lethargic to actually move. I try to live a normal life. My work has been my refuge as it totally distracts me from the Shit life I’m in. Totally different kind of Shit.My mind is full of hopes and fears that I cannot express. My mouth has been shut because not all will actually understand. My heart is always full and that I wish one day all my energy will be reciprocated by the world I used to find beautiful.I hope that love may come my way again unexpectedly or approach it again with more maturity. I long to find a home in someone’s heart, willing to take care of my brokenness for the rest of his life. Someone who can be sure of what he wants. I take in the feeling of devastation slowly in my system and I’m not quite sure until when can I cling into the foundation of my own self-worth and endure a love that is uncertain. Be here now mindset will not work in 2 – 5 years when I’m already about to settle. These YOLO years will end soon and if nothing happens during those times then I guess my will to live too will disappear along my hope for a better tomorrow. I’ll try to hang on and ride the tides for now.I wrote to share what I feel. It’s therapeutic. I want to read this again after a year or two to compare if the feels I feel today is still the same. I hope to grow after all of these and yes, I can’t wait for that day when God finally make me see how this will all make sense someday.My past made sense and I hope today will too.

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