Everything felt like a dream lately, a nightmare perhaps. I stopped writing for quite some time. There are too many unfinished sentences and paragraphs in my drafts. I want to write but I no longer have the heart to finish it. I have enough of life, people and circumstances that I just want to stay in one corner yelling at people to f*ck off. My other side is full of hate. I guess only my car witnessed my tantrums and how I screamed so hard because I’m so full of shit already.
I don’t look like shit because I pretend I’m not living a shitty life when in fact I’m screwed with debts piling up and my self-esteem to rock bottom. I need to be strong not for others but for myself just because I really have to or else I’ll lose my sanity.
This year, I’m losing everything I love. It’s chaotic and I must say not an easy feat to conquer. It’s like playing with my damn emotions and crazy stuff happening that I will never wish for others to experience. It’s painful, traumatic and depressing. I had my first panic attack this year. I sometimes find it funny to look at when fingers are hardened until they form a rock on sign and when they breath air profusely. What used to be funny looking for me became a horrendous nightmare when it happened. My lungs grasp for air as my heart palpitates. My thoughts are being flooded by memories I wanted to run away from. I wish I died. I wish I can end my despair.
It didn’t happen just once. It happened almost thrice since May. I sometimes feel like crying when I’m driving. I can feel my heart pounding fast. I can feel my lungs about to explode. I looked for meditation techniques online to calm me. I distracted myself and kept busy. It was a temporary relief.
The future seems to be unclear for me. I do not know what beholds years from now but unlike the uncertainty I feel before, today feels extremely lonelier. There are fleeting moments of wishful thinking that one day I’ll be able to live my dreams. Marry the man I love. Have kids. Travel and earn a lot. There are also episodes of anxiousness and fear of having cancer, losing my reproductive system and not having kids anymore, getting jailed because of debts and dying in my bed, alone. It scares the hell out of me to be alone someday.
Several conversations with colleagues and friends made me realize that no matter how I wanted to have a family of my own, I still fear the realities that accompany it. No more freedom to do the things you want to do because responsibilities will now take its toll. Parenting is not easy.
I’ve been extremely busy lately to distract myself from my own realities. My ruthless mind cripples me and God, I don’t know what he’s up to but I already told him enough. I lost my Mom, my Pepper, my Poopie, My Toby, Polar, Creamy, Milky and Tiger. I lost all that I love including my own sanity. Despite the strength I exhibit, my soul is tormented. I try to make all the broken pieces fit. I try to comprehend what’s happening in my life because again all the trials and the pain that it brings make me lose myself.
Someone told me how she admired my bravery and how I became mature over the years. I smiled. I uttered that I have no choice that’s why I need to be strong. I have to. It’s the only option I have.
When darkness creeps in, I always talk to friends who will always ensure that big problems should be taken lightly. Even if I feel like a failure sometimes, I know I have my wingmen to remind me to go on and the comic relief they bring keeps me going. Life may be hard but always choose to be better, no matter what.
I’m almost 30 and I am now full of suppressed anger. Even if they tell me never hate God, I still feel like whining and screaming at him whenever I feel the pain inside of me. There are days when the goodness and kindness I shared to the world backfired. The world has a lot to offer when it comes to problems and trials. Do I deserve this kind of life when I focus on doing good for others? Do I need to feel this intense pain and failures to be better? What will actually make sense someday? What future is in store when you destroyed all that kept me going?
I am extremely tired right now. Tormented and distraught. I want a break from all of this. I want to be surprised but not this kind. Not deaths. Not accidents.
As I aged, my future is still unknown. I honestly don’t know if I’m part of someone’s future plans. When a colleague asked me why I’m still not planning to get married, I just laughed. I don’t even know if I’m part of my boyfriend’s plan. I don’t even know if there’s really a plan because I honestly don’t feel that it’s going to happen anytime soon. Be here now as they say. Enjoy the moment. If it comes then good, if not, I wish that I’m not old enough to start over. Sucks to scout a man at 50. Worst, losing all the chances to have kids. Hello to nursing homes that cater for an annoying senior citizen like me. The anxiety that life brings to me sucks big time.
Here I am again, wearing masks and pretending to be alright.
Anyways, what I know is that I’m full of shit and shit is still happening at full blast. You totally woke me up when September is about to end.