personal

Be Here Now.

I don’t have the guts to write what have happened. I guess it’s hard to write when you are still grieving and everything feels so fresh. Every day can be suffocating and I honestly don’t know how I can survive because the thoughts drown me and the pain of losing someone you truly love is so excruciating to bear.

This is my NOW and I feel devastated.

It is not an easy feat nor a choice I made. It was life telling me it’s time and you just have to deal with it. How do I go from here? I have no answers.

How are you right now, Ma?

I’m still trying to absorb all the dreaded thoughts overflowing in my mind. What I know is that I’m extremely missing you and not a day goes by that I am not thinking about you. I try to smile despite the pain I feel. It’s devastating to dwell on this reality. I’ll no longer get to hold your hand and you know how much I love you.

I want to smell your clothes to recall your scent. I want to hug your beanies so tight before I go to bed. I beg to God every single day to see you again. Your smile reminds me that I did a good job.

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I can’t sleep at this hour because I remember how it’s used to be. It feels so lonely right now. I lost my sense of purpose after losing you. You are my reason why I kept going because I know you needed me and I needed you. What’s next for me?

I honestly feel that it’s over. I’m like waiting for something bad to happen. I’m waiting for that moment when I only have a few days to live. I guess I am ready to go anytime. I just want to be with you… to hug you tight and tell you how my day was. I’ll be annoyed by your noise and just be in my room trying to sleep. I miss the times when we’re all together. I miss my old life, those old habits that make me happy even if I’m broke. The hope in my eyes, the desire to be successful because I want to give my parents a better life. Today, what’s the point?

She was my life.

Mama was the sole reason why I wanted to achieve and sacrificed my passion to be with her. I wanted her to be proud of me. I stopped caring about success. I just do what needs to be done, put heart to what I do but the sense of fulfillment was no longer there. It’s like existing without any meaning.

I lost my pack and I’m now a lone wolf.

Mama, I love you so much and no words can actually define how sad I am inside. I never felt so lonely and empty. I have no answer on what to look forward in the future. I just can’t start over with the kind of drive I used to have.

Can anybody tell me how to survive losing both of your parents while you’re about to turn 30 with no financial freedom and a family that you can call your own? Can anybody tell me how to fine when you’ve lost all the hope the world has to offer? Can anybody tell me how to stop the excruciating pain I feel each day knowing that I’ll never see my mom again?

Be here now.

To focus on the present, accept the past and let the future unfold. I’m trying my best to exist and finish each day without actually hoping that tomorrow will be better. I don’t care.

Be here now. I remind myself.

Can someone save me or am I the only one who can save myself?

Be here now.

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