personal

The Saturation Point.

Definition of saturation point

: the point at which there are so many of a thing that no more can be added successfully

Thanks Merriam Webster for defining saturation point. It’s actually a term used in Chemistry when the substance has no more chance to absorb or dissolve. It has reached a point in its life when you’re already able to maximize what needs to be maximize and things are no longer that interesting unlike before. I guess I’ve reached my own life’s saturation point.

Today, I’ve got this desire to write what has been bothering me for the past months. I feel like I’m stuck in a loop where I’m trying to pretend that I’m fine when totally I’m not. It has been a constant struggle of not knowing what I really want in life. I feel that everyday for the past years I’m killing my self slowly for not taking risks in pursuing what my heart desires for the sake of practicality. I feel like I’m my own prisoner.

What moved me to write is this article I stumbled upon in Facebook and it made me cry. I’ve been crying a lot lately. I cried several times inside the car prior to going to work. I cried after I wake up because I knew that I’ll deal with another shitty day in the office. I cried on my way home hating the stress I feel in the office. I cried my way to sleep because I’m too frustrated with everything that is going on with my career life as it is starting to affect the other aspects of my life. It’s ruining my relationship to people. It changes my mood very quick and I can snap on simple questions being asked. I’ll deal with people who kept on repeating same mistakes after I coach them. People who tend to let their common sense die sometimes because “this job pays me right even if I don’t do it right”. I need to deal with the things I am no longer passionate about just because it pays my bills and feeds my family. It’s one of the most miserable feeling in the world; to get up, show up and do what is expected from you.

I’ve lost hours each day doing the mundane things which I no longer find value. I feel like I’m rotten inside with no more growth awaits me. I listen to motivational podcasts upon going to work to psych my mind but it all boils down to one thing, do whatever that makes you happy. I am not happy with where I am right now. You can’t settle for less when you know you can still max out yourself.

Going back to the article, I must say it was definitely right. It’s like an article solely written for me at this point of my life.

“We are so terrified by the idea of moving on, because we feel like we just can’t move on and leave things behind. We sacrifice our own being, our own happiness. We choose to compromise all these because we choose to stay, when we should really be moving on, moving forward.”

— Thought Catalog: If You’re Unhappy With Your Life, It’s Your Responsibility To Change It by Dian Tinio

Link to article

“If you’re unhappy with your job, quit. If you feel like, you’re no longer growing, no longer learning, if you’re no longer productive, if you’re only clocking in and out every single day – then move. If you’re constantly stressing over the fact that it drains you mentally, physically and emotionally, then move. If you’re thinking of just sticking with that job that never fails to suck your joy because it pays the bills and you might be “promoted” there and can call yourself “successful” and “happier” – NO. Your happiness does not depend on your success. Your success actually depends on your happiness. If you think there are new opportunities, new places, new things you can explore and will contribute to your soul and to your individual growth, then go there. If it’s worth your time thinking, then it’s worth trying. No one’s too old to try. Whether it ends good or bad, it’s still an experience. Let’s not forget that every experience teaches us a valuable lesson that we might never learn if we choose otherwise.”

I feel that I am more than what I do now. Almost nine years of nonstop working and dramas being tolerated over the years, I’ve reached this point when I’m full of it already. I’m tired of doing same things. I’m tired of complying. I’m tired of being stuck in this loophole with no assurance of a great future. My life should begin now and I’ve dedicated almost nine years of my life to a place that I must say had mold me to be a better leader. I’ve been resilient enough to face the challenges but standing still is not enough when you know for a fact that you are born to do wonders.

I kept on looking back and I am too afraid to jump into a new career path. I’ve been playing safe because I fear to fail again knowing my finances will be jeopardize. I am not depressed and wants to kill myself just because my life is a complete mess, in fact I want to LIVE. I feel that I need to revamp my life but the big question there is where and when to start?

I know I need to make things happen now… But how?