It’s 5 am and I’m wide awake. I can hear the wind howling outside and I’m now imagining how cold it is right now if I go out. I turned off the lights in my room to feel the coldness of my soul and here I am chilling.
2019 started and a lot has happened. I probably got too preoccupied with a lot of stuff that the sadness I felt didn’t bother me. The frequent nightmares added up to my daily stress and I spent time deciphering the point of those nightmares and some people of the past that taunts me. I guess my dreams reminded me of some fears I never wanted to face — the truth. This year I’ll be turning 30 and it scares the hell out of me knowing that all my plans screwed up back when I was 15 years old. So I’m 29, no luxury car, no profitable business, no mansion, no kids and never been to Cancun, Mexico. I didn’t pursue my programming career and got stuck in the BPO industry that pays my bills. I celebrate my highs and learn from my lows but still I feel like shit on several occasions. I think people live this way… they keep going no matter how crappy life goes. We get used to this feels of being not the person we imagined to be. We thrive still because of our goals but regardless of what we need to chase, we are still humans susceptible to all kinds of pain and despair.
In general, my life is okay. I know I should be grateful but there are those days when I just feel a little meh. Insomnia bothers me, the cold mornings I need to face each day just to go to work and feel like shit sometimes. It’s like working for the sake of money. My heart is dead. My brain shuts off. I wanted to give up but my bank account and bills are cursing me to fix myself or else everything will be screwed up and I might just kill myself all of a sudden. I don’t have a better choice.
There are days when I make myself believe that humans are wired that way, never contented. Maybe that’s why I wanted more when in fact I already have a lot but choose not to make those skillset and experience work towards my advantage. I’ve been lazy instead of having that grit to be the person I wanted to be. I choose to be where I am right now and I ain’t blaming anybody but me.
The birds chirping and it’s finally 6am in the morning. I’m still in my room figuring out how to make my life a little bit meaningful. Whenever I see my mother, I am saddened by the reality that one day I’ll lose her. My heart is crushing to pieces when those thoughts enter my mind. What’s the point of living when the people you value the most are gone?
My mind is tired of thinking as of the moment. I’m tired of what the future beholds for me and I’m scared of whatever problems this year has for me. I may need to continue my faith and resilience for me to survive this year. And I’m definitely tired of fixing shits of subordinates. I just hope I’ll find meaning to what I do because again I’m tired of this routine.
God bless me.