personal

Time Check: 5:04 AM Thoughts

It’s 5 am and I’m wide awake. I can hear the wind howling outside and I’m now imagining how cold it is right now if I go out. I turned off the lights in my room to feel the coldness of my soul and here I am chilling.

2019 started and a lot has happened. I probably got too preoccupied with a lot of stuff that the sadness I felt didn’t bother me. The frequent nightmares added up to my daily stress and I spent time deciphering the point of those nightmares and some people of the past that taunts me. I guess my dreams reminded me of some fears I never wanted to face — the truth. This year I’ll be turning 30 and it scares the hell out of me knowing that all my plans screwed up back when I was 15 years old. So I’m 29, no luxury car, no profitable business, no mansion, no kids and never been to Cancun, Mexico. I didn’t pursue my programming career and got stuck in the BPO industry that pays my bills. I celebrate my highs and learn from my lows but still I feel like shit on several occasions. I think people live this way… they keep going no matter how crappy life goes. We get used to this feels of being not the person we imagined to be. We thrive still because of our goals but regardless of what we need to chase, we are still humans susceptible to all kinds of pain and despair.

In general, my life is okay. I know I should be grateful but there are those days when I just feel a little meh. Insomnia bothers me, the cold mornings I need to face each day just to go to work and feel like shit sometimes. It’s like working for the sake of money. My heart is dead. My brain shuts off. I wanted to give up but my bank account and bills are cursing me to fix myself or else everything will be screwed up and I might just kill myself all of a sudden. I don’t have a better choice.

There are days when I make myself believe that humans are wired that way, never contented. Maybe that’s why I wanted more when in fact I already have a lot but choose not to make those skillset and experience work towards my advantage. I’ve been lazy instead of having that grit to be the person I wanted to be. I choose to be where I am right now and I ain’t blaming anybody but me.

The birds chirping and it’s finally 6am in the morning. I’m still in my room figuring out how to make my life a little bit meaningful. Whenever I see my mother, I am saddened by the reality that one day I’ll lose her. My heart is crushing to pieces when those thoughts enter my mind. What’s the point of living when the people you value the most are gone?

My mind is tired of thinking as of the moment. I’m tired of what the future beholds for me and I’m scared of whatever problems this year has for me. I may need to continue my faith and resilience for me to survive this year. And I’m definitely tired of fixing shits of subordinates. I just hope I’ll find meaning to what I do because again I’m tired of this routine.

God bless me.

personal

Hello 2019!

Another year to unravel, another year full of memories to recall and I’m ecstatic to know what is in store this 2019. Annually, I I owe it to myself to write something about the year that was and somehow sum it up with simile and metaphors but honestly I’m out of words as of the moment. My mind has been shut off already due to the holiday clamors and I just want to laze around and let this day be it — first day of the year.

2018 taught me a lot of things and I faced adulthood head on. A lot came up with bills piling up, savings turned to bankruptcy and unstoppable expenses but I still manage to cope up with all those stressors. I found solutions to problems I need to deal with and I kept on juggling my responsibilities versus my heart’s desire — travelling, shopping and eating. I’ve grown mature and adaptive to all the changes that went my way.

I took the chance of a lifetime by committing myself to someone I admire. After all these years I finally have someone I can call my own, someone I can hug and kiss and someone who’ll support my endeavours. It’s not what I expected to be and not even like in the movies. There are more difficult days than good ones but you still chose to be together for a lot of reasons. I guess commitment is all about being there together despite all the odds and eccentrities, surprise discoveries and personality differences. It’s about adjusting, meeting half way and respecting each other that matters most.

I hope we can make better memories and surpass the challenges that may come our way.

I hope this year I will have more moments with my mom and just like all the years that come and go, I wish that we’ll still be together this 2020. I always tell her to stay until I’m settled and that I need her in my life. I guess we’ll never outgrow that kid feeling in us longing for a mother who’ll take care whenever we don’t feel well. The multiplicities of emotions that dawns me on a daily basis knowing one day I might lose her kills me.

My mom is getting older and weaker as I grow older and afraid of what the future has in store for me. I pray that God will still give me more happy moments with her and that she’ll be healthy and always happy. I want to see her on my special days, my wedding day and all the possible milestones that I’ll encounter this coming years. I looked at the calendar and frowned upon the reality that my age will soon not be part of it anymore and my life seems not happening at all — not how I planned it to be but I need to be still and enjoy the moment.

Since I’m old and broke, my travel plans are limited even if my heart is screaming for it. I hope I’ll be able to see more new places this year and I pray that I’ll be able to save enough money for it.

  • January – Iloilo
  • February – Cebu
  • April – Bais/Dumaguete
  • August – Iloilo, Guimaras and Cebu

… Here’s to more gastro-fill days alone, with Paul and with friends.

May this year be a good year for me. I am excited to know how 2019 will end and may this be a year for me to find and do what my heart truly desires. I hope great success to my new venture — Lookah!

Cheers for 2019! May this be a year full of memories, self-discovery and adventures! To more glory days dedicated to God and Mama! I will never survived without my faith!