P. S. :This post stayed in my drafts for almost a month.
After Chester Bennington took his life, I never have that urged to write again about depression. It is a sensitive topic to talk about because people say a lot of things about it that just hurts me instead of being uplifted. This is actually far worst than any illness. It is your body, your mind that is haunting you and no matter how you want to escape it, it lingers until you find the best solution — death.
Seeing my Twitter feed as celebrities and other personalities talked about Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade’s death, I felt that sudden gush of pain from the left side of my chest. It’s crushing. It’s horrifying. It’s getting real as time passes by that even the wealthy, the great and the renowned are also suffering. We heard a lot of news but we still don’t put too much care about it. It’s either we don’t need to meddle into someone else’s battle, just leave it as it is — a phase in that person’s life he needs to overcome or push him to seek medical help. What if it’s already too late?
Depression does not have a face. It can be anyone, your parents, your sibling, your best friend, your partner or your colleagues. It is that moment when the world no longer excites you and you just want to rest from the agony of existing. The war of emotions, the ultimate decision. Your end.
Take me back years ago when I almost took my own life. I’ve got a lot of issues to face. I bid goodbye to my princess life and got my own dose of reality. I don’t know what to do. It’s hard to let go of that status quo knowing you don’t have money left in the bank. I need to find a living after I graduated college but finding a good job didn’t make me feel any better. A lot of issues rose up and I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore. I even asked God why is he doing this to me when all these years I just did what I can to be better. I never did anything to harm other people, I showed compassion. It was series of breakdowns and lonely nights — a sudden feeling to end it all. I tried to slash my wrist way back in college but just a mere attempt made me feel stupid. This is not how I supposed to end my problems. I tried to think of hanging myself but seeing my uncle and mom gushing over my achievements made me feel guilty. It was a constant battle of the mind and my heart and of people I’ll leave behind. I thought the wanting to die feeling would stop until one day I hit rock bottom. The gun could have save me from the pain I’m feeling that moment but never from the best moments that came after. It was one sunny day when existential crisis hit me. Financial issues and dreams not coming up into realization. I was 24 with quarter life crisis and facing some legal issues for the family. I am exhausted of everything. I remembered texting a friend who said to stop whatever it is that I’m planning to do. We talked about mental health and how he conquered it, I felt better after knowing someone understands. He was 28, I was 24. Alcohol helped me. The constant weekend parties and hang outs, the crazy life juggling between a promotion and graduate school. The mind was too preoccupied to think about suicide.
I thought I’ll be fine…. But it didn’t stop there.
Months passed by and I was able to hurdle it all and I feel accomplished then my uncle who acts as my second dad died. It was devastating.
I embraced my darkness and cooed my demons. I am the happiest friend in the group. The joker, the person full of positivity and life. The one who wears her mask so good that nobody knew about that side that haunts her every night. I stared on my bedroom walls not knowing what will make me feel better and complete. I wonder if others feel this way too every night. It was the emptiness that depresses me, it’s existing without a purpose. It’s surviving each day feeling no sense of accomplishment.
I achieved a lot of things in my student life. I expected more from myself. I invested for myself. I know I got no one else to back myself up. I wrote my pains. I wrote poetry that calms my soul. I wrote but never talked about depression because some people’s opinions are stupid. I don’t need praises and compliment. I need a solution perhaps a diversion. I know I can still manage except last year when the feeling came more frequently. I asked my closest friend about the best psychiatrist in the city. He suggested but told me that it depends if it’s a good idea or not. You are the only person who can help yourself.
I went back on those moments that I’m glad I’m alive. Travelling. Seeing new places excite me — places that I know nothing about. Walking around and feeling the world. It’s so beautiful to be in a strange place. I realized that toxins come from a place of comfort. The mind needs to be reminded sometimes.
We are the ones who can help ourselves. Rise above your demons and continue the faith. Those who ended their battles aren’t coward, they are the strong ones to cease their existence. I envy them but I know that I’m still resilient enough to survive. There’s more to life as cliche as it sounds.
I am my own warrior and training my mind to be tough is an achievement so far. I focused my mind to stand up each time I fall. I tried and tried to exist regardless if it’s pointless anymore. I strengthen my faith. I kept on believing in God and when all else fails I let him take all my burdens and calm my mind. I wake up each day wishing to see more sunsets and sunrises on a different country. I don’t want to wait for the day when I’m battling my own life not because of my own demons but an illness that will halt me from achieving the things I desire. I wanted to be freed from the chains I created and remain resilient in facing life.
Depression has no face. You can’t even sense it from afar but watch for this signs I got from Ten Characteristics of Perfectly Hidden Depression:
I got 14 yes in the questionnaire. Might as well try this and see for yourself : Perfectly Hidden Depression Questionnaire
I know that I have depression since high school. I know the sadness and emptiness are not normal. It’s the battle of doing my best. I’ve been too idealistic then but now I’m coping up with the real world. A lot of stuff frustrates me but I keep on training my mind to go on.
Life is interesting and I always remind myself that the bad things that are happening is just a phase that will make me appreciate it more. Success never been that sweet if you know you’ve worked hard for it. Happiness will never be special if you didn’t experience sadness. You just need to open your mind to endless possibilities and that can help us to live each day one day at a time. Goals help me be inspired even if my goal can sometimes be stupid as it sounds.
Again, depression has no face. You’ll never know when it’ll strike but you just need to fight your own self to achieve the things you desire. Believe me it’s tough, it’s frustrating but it can be worth it.