What Adulthood Feels Like

It’s been a while since the last blog post and it didn’t seem to feel like forever. I realized how my 24/7 became more of a task rather than exist and live memorably. Well it’s plainly idealistic to think that every day is supposed to be a beautiful story to tell. More of a blah than a once upon a time kind of thing.

Anyways… what drove me to blog my thoughts is not another emotional force but a therapeutic way of just writing what’s on my mind. I looked at myself in the mirror again and saw a woman still feeling empty despite what she had achieved. Even famous celebrities feel that way, even you — I guess. There’s this certain age in humanhood where we try to be who we dreamed to be. It’s that time when we are too driven and too frustrated in reaching our dreams. Sometimes we just want to put meaning in our existence and not finding it leads to wishes of dying for the sake of ending the pain we feel. Sad story I know, but that’s reality.

Adulthood is never easy. It’s when you meet halfway from being a wimpy kid to a full blown person who is expected by the society to succeed. Adulthood sucks. Bores the hell out of me. I live pay check to pay check still not tremendously happy or should I say fulfilled with life. Ugh.

People come, people go. You suddenly hate the friends you used to love because they turned out to be total disappointments and you let time be the judge on what will be the best ending for your friendship. Space and time — too cliche. No biggie. We stick to those more than 7 years of friendship that didn’t start over beer. We celebrate those kind of people in our lives for sticking up with us after those years of you trying to figure out adulthood and yeah you’re still trying up to now, that fact I almost forgot to stress out. 😂

Sometimes I wish I’ll be able to live the life I wanted.

I feel that I’m halfway caged and halfway freed in today’s life. I know that everything is bound by my choice but practicality is the best way to resolve all this idealistic views about life. I can’t quit my job to travel and immerse myself into different cultures no matter how badly I wanted it. I admit that I’m currently computing the amount of my last pay if I quit today and it’s not enough for a Eurasia trip. I want to travel for 6-months and probably write about the experience. To experience humanity and the world is the craziest dream I have ever conceived in my mind. I can’t just be someone who does mundane tasks everyday to get by. I need my creative cells to work. I need to make the most of my strengths and be the person God wanted me to be. I need to work with extreme passion knowing life is too short to dwell on stuff that kills you slowly. I need to find that fire — something that will excite me everyday when I am not pressured by time. I can’t let my creative soul die… I’ll never forgive myself if that will be the case.

Life is better if you live the life you always wanted, the life that you are destined to be. Some adults are fulfilled while some are still on their quest to find their real selves every single day. It feels empty. It feels like forever doing the tasks hoping someday it will be different. To act now can sometimes be good to hear but hard to do. To live in this chaotic world is a sign of strength… Oh adulting really bites the hell out of me.

I should feel fulfilled right now, who wouldn’t if they’re in my shoes? Some are too proud with themselves while I’m just one of those who dreamed more despite my own series of achievement. I don’t feel full of myself and I know that’s a bad thing but I’ve become too apathetic. I don’t care what people say about the good things I’ve done, the achievements I’ve achieved or the way I look… All I wanted is to live a life of purpose.

I should feel ecstatic knowing I got myself a brand new car months ago, learned to drive nearly a month or so, believe in love again after giving up on finding a man and getting a passport to travel abroad — but yeah all of these never made me feel oh so complete but I’m happy. It’s not that lit in my side of the spectrum. I guess I am out of feelings and energy. It sucks to feel this way though. It’s kinda tiresome to do things you’re no longer excited to do as it affects you personally. I want to keep up with my sanity by taking long breaks to reflect and reset.

Oh God help me.

Adulthood sucks big time.