My mind right now is a crazy montage. All of my yesteryears keep flashing and my failures highlighted. I came into a different avenue of thoughts that made me feel so lost about what I really wanted to do with my life. I know I ain’t getting younger each day and if this is just another pre-birthday blues, I totally fear the upcoming days.
Life’s a series of mishaps and luck we didn’t imagine. It’s how you react to certain circumstances that define your being. Sometimes because of pride, I tend to be stubborn. I don’t listen much and decide on my own. I usually trust my own judgement and gut feel. I also consider myself an asshole sometimes to people I don’t like. I am such a difficult person to deal with.
There are days when I question my decisions if it’s indeed for the greater good. When it back fires, I need to be accountable to it. I don’t apologize if it’s not my fault but I normally take the hit. I don’t know how I feel today except that my heart is broken and my soul is tormented. Always been. Always will.
I wonder how long will I hold on to life if life is no longer taking chances to make me appreciate each day. Not everything and everyone I value I can even call my own. I am living in a borrowed moment, a borrowed life which can be taken anytime. My regret is not to fully live and exhaust my potentials. It’s all about choices they say and I am in chaos today afraid of making a wrong move.
They say failures aren’t failures but lessons learned that will make sense someday. Life teaches us the hard way most of the time and it’s up to you on how to creatively cope. My heart has been my weakness and will always be. It has been a struggle for me to be heartless despite numerous attempts which put myself in a very vulnerable state. I built walls yet I let people in to destroy the bricks. I don’t know why I am such a sucker for time and attention. I don’t know what to do with my self in times of chaos instead to roll into the corner, weep until the pain subsides.
I have been depressed and I hate dragging people into my miseries and hearing their empathy statements make me wanna puke. It’s an illness I want to escape, I fake my own happiness and hide behind smiles and wit. I wanted to be strong despite this crippling feeling of emptiness. I feel inadequate. I feel that nothing makes sense and that nobody will actually love someone like me. I easily get attached to people who takes time in knowing me but it’s also a cycle, no one is strong enough to take me in one’s world. I am alone in my journey and nothing is sadder knowing you are not enough or more than enough to be loved.
It sounds stupid most of the time to some knowing my problem is about love and life. They say all those compliments that kills me slowly. They say to wait for time may not be my best friend. They all say things that make me feel bad because if it’s true then it should have happen long ago just like how others find love and happiness. They found meaning in such a dreaded life while I survive each day hoping it’ll be my last if all these feels persist.
I pray so hard that this will be over. Wave after wave of sadness is actually haunting me and the pain I feel keeps on refreshing each time a moment happens. I feel bad on feeling this way because I should be happy and blessed but I’m not. I don’t feel such bliss. I just feel so tired to deal with life all the time. I hope I get to overcome this feeling.