personal

Random Thoughts Brewing

Montage. 

My mind right now is a crazy montage. All of my yesteryears keep flashing and my failures highlighted. I came into a different avenue of thoughts that made me feel so lost about what I really wanted to do with my life. I know I ain’t getting younger each day and if this is just another pre-birthday blues, I totally fear the upcoming days. 

Life’s a series of mishaps and luck we didn’t imagine. It’s how you react to certain circumstances that define your being. Sometimes because of pride, I tend to be stubborn. I don’t listen much and decide on my own. I usually trust my own judgement and gut feel. I also consider myself an asshole sometimes to people I don’t like. I am such a difficult person to deal with. 

There are days when I question my decisions if it’s indeed for the greater good. When it back fires, I need to be accountable to it. I don’t apologize if it’s not my fault but I normally take the hit. I don’t know how I feel today except that my heart is broken and my soul is tormented. Always been. Always will. 

I wonder how long will I hold on to life if life is no longer taking chances to make me appreciate each day. Not everything and everyone I value I can even call my own. I am living in a borrowed moment, a borrowed life which can be taken anytime. My regret is not to fully live and exhaust my potentials. It’s all about choices they say and I am in chaos today afraid of making a wrong move.

They say failures aren’t failures but lessons learned that will make sense someday. Life teaches us the hard way most of the time and it’s up to you on how to creatively cope. My heart has been my weakness and will always be. It has been a struggle for me to be heartless despite numerous attempts which put myself in a very vulnerable state. I built walls yet I let people in to  destroy the bricks. I don’t know why I am such a sucker for time and attention. I don’t know what to do with my self in times of chaos instead to roll into the corner, weep until the pain subsides. 

I have been depressed and I hate dragging people into my miseries and hearing their empathy statements make me wanna puke. It’s an illness I want to escape, I fake my own happiness and hide behind smiles and wit. I wanted to be strong despite this crippling feeling of emptiness. I feel inadequate. I feel that nothing makes sense and that nobody will actually love someone like me. I easily get attached to people who takes time in knowing me but it’s also a cycle, no one is strong enough to take me in one’s world. I am alone in my journey and nothing is sadder knowing you are not enough or more than enough to be loved. 

It sounds stupid most of the time to some knowing my problem is about love and life. They say all those compliments that kills me slowly. They say to wait for time may not be my best friend. They all say things that make me feel bad because if it’s true then it should have happen long ago just like how others find love and happiness. They found meaning in such a dreaded life while I survive each day hoping it’ll be my last if all these feels persist. 

I pray so hard that this will be over. Wave after wave of sadness is actually  haunting me and the pain I feel keeps on refreshing each time a moment happens. I feel bad on feeling this way because I should be happy and blessed but I’m not. I don’t feel such bliss. I just feel so tired to deal with life all the time. I hope I get to overcome this feeling.

Good night. 

personal

Attachments

I hate being attached to a place, event, memories and people. I have been too emotional in dealing with separation and will take me days to fully recover. I don’t understand why but it’s just how I am. No matter how strong, ruthless and independent I can be, I still fall for memories. I appreciate people who puts in a lot of effort to know and stick with me. Sometimes I fear losing them but I still lose people along the way, I’m still alive but broken. To sum up my thoughts for tonight, lemme write a poem. 

Just in Time


You didn’t come in crashing waves

but you walk in like a theft

Broke the bricks one built for years

and let the sun shine through the cracks of disbelief. 


The pain disappeared as time passes 

Cold nights became a place of solace

To trust time is such a great risk

so as to believe once again


The future did promise uncertainties 

and today seems to be a game of madness 

where the past became a lesson

and the present is full of wonder and misery


The verge of the cliff is enticing 

and my heart wanted to jump once again

I wanted to love the process

I really do. 


What’s in store for me is still a mystery

and the crash might end what’s left

The fall has no assurance of life 

after a series of death. 


In this parallel world,

not all are meant to last.

I have walked into the storm already

and I have no plans of coming back. 



S. C. L. 


personal

Thoughts on Love and Life Just Because I Feel Like Blogging. 

What love is supposed to be as told by someone who is a complete fucked up when it comes to relationships. 

I sometimes wonder what love really is so I did seek for answers in the point of view of my friends and people who are in a relationship. In my years of existence I must say that I’ve been broken without even having a boyfriend. It’s also as crazy as moving on even if there’s no breakups involved so it doesn’t mean I’m inexperienced when it comes to love. Been there, done this and that. 

Love can probably be shown in several forms we may notice or not. It is not about being together but being there for each other. It can be not seeing for the longest time yet the flame keeps on burning. It can be working on developing each other to be better individuals despite having different dreams. It is all about growing together to be better. Waking up each day finally makes sense and not more of a chore. It is watching the sun sets so beautifully and hoping for the sun to rise again the next day. It’s about being empowered. It is about what makes your heart warm amidst the coldest weather. It makes you a little poetic when everything between you two can be metaphors.

It is not the ripped off of souls. 

Love I guess should feel that way. I keep on thinking and imagining what love is supposed to be. Is it just a take care, good night thing? Is it just holding each other’s hand on a cold Sunday morning trying to figure out what to do? Is it all about fulfilling our lustful thoughts? Is it about being in a place of comfort?

Perhaps,  love indeed cannot be rationalize. 

But love should makes us better. It strengthens our weak selves, it makes us grow. It should not be dragging. It should not feel more of a responsibility not even an obligation. It should be spontaneous, something to look forward to. It’s about priorities and not begging for time. It’s about the freedom to be yourself with his/her friends/family members. 

It’s about being happy.

Sometimes I believe that life will present you circumstances that you seldom win yet you will eventually understand why the lose was actually necessary for you to win yourself. It is that dire need to extend your patience to wait for the right time when every plan is about to be realized. I must say the universe tricked me but it doesn’t mean I gave up already. 

Probably love has its own season. 

In my quest to find answers to my own questions I get to see how things in the past finally made sense today and how today seems to be a puzzle I get tired of solving so I just let it be. I know that I am only choosing what makes me happy right now whether it’s right or wrong I don’t care much as long as it’s legal. I looked at myself pretty much fine with everything that’s been going on despite some several set backs. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. I am pretty much aware of myself and that my insecurities are well accepted. I wanted to keep on moving on with my life each day. I want to be the better me and the better choice all the time. I want to make people feel that choosing me is not something they’ll regret in the end. It can be choosing me as their leader, their friend, partner or whatever. I see the best in people and some may hate me for being me but I always level up my life experience. I hate to stay where most people are. I wanted to be different than the rest.

I never wanted to be compared because I know I have my own traits that people love and hate. Even if sometimes I keep on wondering too why I am single it doesn’t make me anymore less of a person despite my several trash talks toward myself. I built my character to be indestructible and that the only opinion that can destroy me is my perception towards myself. 

I sometimes smile when friends tell me that I am not being considered as a threat. Well, sorry to say but you should be. You don’t think of people that way because you are being blinded by what they can do against you. Each and everyone of us can be a threat and even without me fully realizing it I must say not pretty much of the population have the same profile as mine. I may be meek but I got the power to nail the things I wanted especially if I’m really so into it. 

In the end, I accept what life has to offer me. I stand tall after each fall, brushing off the dirt in my knees and clean the wounds of yesterdays. I know I do not win all the time. I know sometimes how the universe make me suffer so bad I wanted to give up but didn’t and I guess I will never will. 

Until that time comes, I’ll keep on moving on. 

personal

Paglaya



Hindi mabilang na buntong hininga
Tuwing maalala ang nakaraan
Kinubling kasiyahan at katotohanan
Dahil tayo ay suntok sa buwan

Pilit kong tinakbuhan
Sarili’y nagbalat kayo
Himig nitong puso’y tinago
Baka tayo pa ay magbago

Namulat sa realidad
Na walang ako, walang ikaw
Higit sa lahat walang tayo
Kahit hilingin ko man ito sa bituin

Tadhanang mapaglaro
Damdaming hindi mabiro
Umasang baka sa paghintay
Hiling ay matupad kahit papano

Araw at buwan lumipas
Hindi ko inakalang nabulag
Ang puso kong puno ng lumbay
Mundo na nawalan ng kulay

Mata’y minulat
Katotohanang dinilat
Pinalaya ang sariling nabaon
Sa pag-ibig na nilipasan ng panahon

Sa aking paglaya ngayon
Binuo ako ulit ng pagkakataon
Bukas ay haharapin
Sarili’y unting unting babangon.

-S.C.L.