My heart is a bit heavy while trying to conceptualize this blog post. I guess loneliness really kills.
I watched a Ted Talk episode about what makes a good life and it scares me how my future would look like. I am afraid of growing up alone.
There are days when I try to forget the loneliness I feel because I have a lot of stuff to do and being sad is not something I need to dwell on. It can be because of hormones or maybe because I am unproductive today. I still kept my motivating blog post in the draft section because I got no energy to finish it. Today seems to be another day to sulk in misery.
I keep on looking at the ceiling trying to understand what is actually wrong with me. Sometimes I wish I got siblings so that I won’t be pressured to have a family of my own. Sometimes I wish I am a different person. Sometimes I ask God if this is the kind of life I am destined to live. Sometimes pushing away people make me filter out who really are worth keeping. One thing is constant in my life, emptiness.
All the awards, the people I met and the lessons I learned can sometimes be so refreshing and motivating. I have been the alpha. I have been independent, strong and patient. I was able to stand up everytime I reach the pit. I fought my demons. I am alive but everyday the emptiness I feel bothers me. A good life is not about having lots of money. It is not even success and fame. It is about the quality of relationships we have — our friends, family and the love of our lives. I wonder how it feels, I wonder how love can change the way we all feel. I wonder how much love I can give and just the thought of it made me burst in tears.
I loved too much before. I loved so heavily that it broke me into pieces. I love stupidly. I loved unworthy people. I love people who cannot love me back. I love broken boys. I love those who love others. I still continue to love and not expect anything in return. I believe that loving people makes us happy. I believe giving a piece of me to others and inspire them to be better would fill up those empty spaces. It did, btw.
Recently, I realized that I should not stop loving. I should continue to hold my heart and share it to people. I should offer it and if they would not take it I should not feel sad. Rejection should not be a terrible feeling. If they would not accept my heart then they lose that opportunity to be love by someone capable of loving beyond what one can expect. I kept on holding and offering but life seems to test my perseverance.
I do not understand why people like us remain to be single. I talked to a lot of amazing single girls this past few weeks most are my friends whom I know are really the marrying type. I am pretty much interested to study about singlehood and its causes. I have no idea why these people who deserves to be happy and raise family struggle to find a man. I mean I know I do not deserve to be single for the rest of my lives so as my friends. I hate how depression suddenly eat their happiness because they feel that they would not find a man who would take care of them. I cannot find the right words to make them feel better so we laugh it off. I mean what do they get from someone like me who wants to die before 50 if I do not have a family of my own. I too am a fucked up.
I have no idea why I am feeling shitty most of the time whenever I remember that I am approaching my 30s alone. I hope someday I will look back today as part of the process. I should feel all the pain today to be better. I wish people like me will find their happiness soon.