On Frustration. 

Days ago I am afraid of what might November brings into my life this year. I seem to be cursed because most of my dreaded memories usually happen during my birth month.  I already expected it but still never fails to surprise me.  To cut the long story short, it just happened today. 

I am still battling quarter life crisis. I am still fighting my demons that poison my thoughts. There are instances when I ask myself if I’m where I wanted to be and usually my subconscious would say NO. I wanted to do a lot of things most of the time restricted by monetary reasons. I think I’m screwed because at 26 I still don’t have savings to be proud of. My years were spent on wasting my weekends eating and drinking. I invested on myself but I haven’t make use of my masters degree yet. I’ve been into places this year feeding my wanderlust but I still go home feeling incomplete. I attended too many kiddie parties this year asking myself when will I have one to prepare for. I see a lot of couples and I’m wondering when will I be committed. Work was the only thing that seemed to be right and here I am frustrated for the nth time to the new changes. 

The movement from one department to another came in as a surprise. I was a bit depressed knowing I got my ball already rolling and I’m just waiting for results. I spent most of my time looking for job aids that can help out my team to be more efficient and effective. We were delivering the numbers and I know I’ll nail the top team award if it continues for a month but guess what — life happened. I accepted the change. I was demotivated. I need to psych up myself in adjusting to a newer ground. Shit. 

It was weeks of battling depression because I need to adjust and how I hate adjusting and getting to know people but I still do it because of course I don’t have a choice. 

They gave me a new team. I did everything I can to work things out.  Numbers are good, all I did is to remind them. I was able to fix their absenteeism rate. Months pass by and I got to know them more. They are bunch of locos who match my kind of crazy and we’re able to really click as a team. So far they are the most easy to deal with, lesser dramas and more fun. It wasn’t a good ride but I am challenged enough to do everything I can to make them back on top — to make me back from where I was,  top team lead, top team. My work is the only thing that is actually right in my life. The rest are work in progress and nightmares I ought not to focus on or else it would just heighten my depression that I am overcoming on my own. 

Today, I got the news that I’ll have a different tteam with only 6 out of  16 will be left under my wing. 

I don’t know how to respond but my mind keeps on flashing memories. It happened thrice in my career life and my life frustration then hits me.

At 26, I still don’t have a car. I still don’t have a fat savings account. I’m just getting fatter. I still don’t have a boyfriend. I am 80% away from my dreams. I am still a struggling photographer wannabe without the gadgets. I’m still searching for my purpose.  I feel incomplete. 
I want to throw everything my hands can grab and wail my heart out because of frustration. I want to make things too difficult for others. They won’t understand and I won’t explain because this is my own battle. It’s not just changing of roster, it’s my own frustration with my life. I am planning how to move my team already and it breaks me to start all over again, to be all psyched up and put my game face on because I’m being challenged. A coach doesn’t give up easily and I’m almost there — I’m tired now. 

I wany to wrap myself with a blanket with a cup of hot choco in hand while watching the crescent as the clouds fade its beauty and the waves keep on tossing and turning. I want to be away today. 

If only I get paid to travel, I will. I want to find my core again. I want to chase my unrealized dreams. 

November happened again and I’m in rock bottom AGAIN. I hope to wake up with void feelings and not being haunted by my frustrations. 

Happy birthday to me! 

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