It’s been a trend for the past months already though when single almost 30’s women are starting to call themselves “Tita” because they’ve accepted the fact that they all be alone for the rest of their lives.
I am a Tita.
(Yeah, trying to convince my stubborn self that I’m okay being an old-maid by 50.)
Honestly, I am fine being single… well I thought I am except every Valentines day. Lately, too many changes have been happening in my work life and with that is the unanswered question on why I’m still single never had a boyfriend ever since birth. People nowadays especially those I got to know lately are quite interested to know on why on earth I’m still single at 26? Often times they would tell me that I’m normal, funny, good, smart and a wonderful person which makes me also ask myself same questions when I’m alone at home and got nothing sensible to do.
A recent conversation the other day struck me. Someone opened up about relationships while I honestly admit that I got no boyfriend. He was surprised but had a follow up question with regard to my sexual orientation. I began to sound defensive only to realize I’m almost spilling all my beans. I know I’m straight as I’m attracted to the male specie. I told him that it’s hard to explain why. Maybe because I need a whole day to explain how my heart is wired to someone I love for almost four years already. Most of the time I can’t straighten my brain and my heart so my liver needs to suffer for the two’s irreconcilable differences. It’s like I’ve programmed my mind not to love and my heart works like a virus destroying my daily mind algorithm. I just can’t move on at all.
Whenever I see his face, my heart is signaling something that my brain refuses to accept. My heart is full of hopes that maybe he’s just confuse and afraid of his feelings. Four years of being confused and me no longer his top priority = reality check says my brain. It’s always a battle of loving and not loving him. I like talking to him. I like spending my time with him. I just love listening to him talk. I like to text him and sharing funny stories together over coffee and food. He makes me feel real as I can be my ugly self when I’m with him. I just don’t understand what’s happening inside me, it’s like I’ve been drawn into something so addictive, someone that hypes me up more than a shot of espresso. I just can’t move on from him and from his memories. I admit, I’m still in love with my best friend. Maybe my guy friend, someone close to the both of us was right when he told me that I’m trying to guard myself from other guys because I’m reserving my heart for someone. I’m full of hopes for someone that will never be mine because he’ll never grow up. I don’t believe it, I know he will someday and I’m just here… waiting.
Quarter life crisis is still taking its toll while I create life plans and figure it all out. I tried to distract myself but as days pass by I’m just missing him. It’s hard to start over and find someone whom you can share your life without apprehensions because he’s worth all the trust. I prefer to be alone lately. I prefer to spend my lunch time alone with my thoughts. I know I’m an independent and strong woman. I know I’m smart. I know I’m a good person. I’ll be reserving my heart for him because he had it since 2012 and even if things changed a lot for the past weeks, my feelings stayed the same. It might need a lot of brute force from someone to convince me to move on. To those who wanted to love me, you gotta induce something in my brain and heart. Make me forget. Make me believe. I am such a stubborn kid. I stick to what I want. I never stop until I get what I want.
If only I can confront all my fears… I just can’t afford to lose you anymore. I just can’t utter those words while ugly crying but through this blog then probably I can. I can tell you that I love you and I can’t forget you. I just can’t stop myself from wanting you no matter how hard I try to convince myself that we are worlds apart but you gave me happiness and sanity during those times when I wanted to give up on life.
I love you and only God knows how much I love you.
Now tell me… How to be tanga?