There are those moments in our lives that stimulates our artistic side, the side that we choose to hide from people that may judge you and the side that we usually hate because it makes you feel vulnerable. Admit it, you have that side.
Tonight, I feel that urge to write my thoughts. I rarely feel it when I’m being swamped with work. Valentines is over and done — thank God. I’m always that girl, the girl who is just so awkward during first meet up.
(First sip of coffee )…
I can taste the caffeine in my lips. Bitter just like my old self. Years have gone by and I’ve outgrown my bitterness on love. Despite the strong aura I emit, the inner desire to find someone who can tame my craziness is something I regularly fight. I keep on telling myself that reality bites and there is no such thing as prince in shining armor that will come to kiss me and save me from the evil world. I only got myself — no more, no less.
( Second sip.. )
Life’s too short to feel bad if things won’t go my way. It never goes my way most of the time so I better get used to it. Recently, I felt so bad because I keep on doing the right thing only to end up not being recognize. I tried to understand everything and I did. It’s not that I want to be recognized for my hard work but I guess I deserve an acceptable reason why it turned out not the way I have expected it to be. It’s just the way it is, life’s not fair for the nth time Carol so better deal with it.
( Third sip…)
I’m daydreaming too much lately planning out my next trips each month to new places. I did not make any new year’s resolutions this year so better decide to do something spontaneous and start my own travel blog. This blog is a mixture of my different sides. It’s kinda messed up but it depicts me. I’ll start to post more of my adventures and I might start on my most recent trip in the City of Love — Iloilo. I am a believer that the Philippines is such a beautiful country and my mission in life is to unravel and share its beauty.
( Fourth moment with my cup requires me to take a gulp of its bitterness )
When will I learn to break free from my monotonous life? It has been like this since I graduated college. I am inlove with a lot of things but I’m still lost on what I really wanted to do that it scares the shit out of me. I’m afraid that I may lose the time I need to fulfill my plans or maybe I’m missing a lot about life.
All I wanted is to be happy and fulfilled on my deathbed someday. Oh, God my merciful savior I don’t want to die sad. I still want to have a family I can call my own and this dream is actually related to the next thought that I’ll be sharing. It requires me a surmountable amount of caffeine… here we go.
(Fifth – sixth sip is the calm before the storm… the caffeine is slowly kicking my brain. )
Err… I feel awkward but my dream job is actually to be a wedding planner. My close friend is about to get married and he sought my advice. I got nothing serious to say though I mean I cannot even find true love so why share some of my thoughts about marriage without me feeling a little miserable about the thought that I might be alone forever. I’m happy for my friend because at 31 he finally decided to settle down.
(Music is on full blast and my mind is being shaken by caffeine… on to my seventh sip from the cup)
My best friend will be leaving the country on the 22nd. I am happy for him because it has been his dream to work in London. He sacrificed a lot and did everything that his family wanted him to do. He lives on his family’s rules and not able to decide on his own. Growing up was so tough that he is full of insecurities despite the strong demeanor that he exudes. It’s a bittersweet feeling tho on my end for I’ll lose my coffee buddy. We talked a lot about our lives, love and career all the time. I guess my weekends and afternoons will never be the same again. I know I’ll be able to manage my life on my own especially when I need a friend whom I can share anything without the fear of being judge and being blunt without the fear of being misunderstood. Oh well.
( After gazillion sips on my cup… )
Hey you future partner. I’m waiting for you still. Whoever you are, wherever you may be I’m still here. I’m no longer broken but the fixed parts felt so empty. I can still feel the scars but the memories are no longer painful. I endured a lot for the past years but instead of falling into the pitfall of despair I rose above it all feeling confident that with God, everything will be alright. I know he hears what my heart desires but everything will unfold at the right time. I’m starting to be too impatient but I continue to remind myself that good things come to those who wait. I cannot help but ask myself if I’m good enough. Is it me? Am I too difficult to love? Am I not worthy to be love? Arrrghhhhh… I’ve woke up into my own realities and it felt so awful knowing you’re not worth the words. I’m not worth the words after years of great friendship. I guess it’s just the way it is… sucks.
Anyways, future partner may you finally find your way to me and that I wish I’m not an ass not to notice you. I guess we’ll both know if the time indeed finally come. I cannot wait for that moment when the independent woman finds his man and finally say these words… “From this moment MY life ends and OURS begin… I love you.”
Now… lunch break is over. Hello reality.