I’m starting to hate being 26 haunted by questions I actually don’t know the answer.
It’s been a while since the last time I write because I choose not to for a thousand reasons you rather not hear but today seems to be different. I heard that voice within me urging my soul to spill my thoughts and uncover my emotions. I guess it’s about time to write what I feel and what I’ve been up to — AGAIN.
Living in a world full of hopes and despair, I must say I’m getting numb each day. I’m irritated if family members start to ask me when I’ll be getting married or when do I plan to have a family of my own given that my mom is getting older and weaker. I get so stressed if they keep on insisting about family life when I don’t even have a boyfriend. God probably gets tired of listening to my daily prayers about finding the one and I’m almost about to give up.
Friends would tell me that the principles I believed in are too old school for women nowadays. Some would tease me if I was born during dinosaurs time. Geez. I know I’m not a prude neither a slut. I think I’m normal but other people find me difficult to understand when it comes to love. I lost a potential lover because he was intimidated by my intelligence and achievements. To quote him: “She seems to be on a pedestal, her standards are too high.” that was just too awful. I can be tactless sometimes but for people to think I got high standards seem to be too much, I’m not too shallow not to love someone just because I think he’s not good enough for me. That boy was actually any girl’s ideal guy because he is good looking, kind and too nice. He was the perfect guy that got away because I’m such an ass and he just got intimidated.
Anyways, I’m still single and about to get sick of people asking lame questions why I’m single, why not? 😒 I’m judged for being a reputation freak because all I care about is my reputation when in fact I don’t. I do whatever I want to do thanks for the confidence in myself that I earned each day. Acceptance indeed is the key to a better life.
I had embrace my solitude for I know life is just too short to waste on negative thoughts. I must admit I feel lonely because people expect you to settle down while I’m busy finding myself. I am still looking for a significant income rather than my significant other. I got diverse plans on my mind and settling down seems to be not a priority but having a boyfriend, perhaps.
There are days when I feel so empty. I know it’s been quite a while of being tough and carefree. Contrary to what people see me, I’m a sucker of love from songs to poetry. I may find it uncool sometimes but having someone you can hug on a tough day is not bad. I long for that boy who will not just fill the void in my heart but someone who would actually complement me. He’ll make me feel the butterflies inside my stomach and inspire me to embrace my flaws each day. I don’t need someone to complete me for I’ve completed myself already. He’ll smile upon hearing my scars for I’ve battled life victoriously. We’ll fight life’s battles, capture the world’s beauty and enjoy each other’s company because together we’ll be great. I pray for that day, for me to find that boy who’ll cast all my fears away.
God knows how much I prayed. He knows how much I plead him for that someone. He knows when’s the right time for him to grant my wishes. I got plans but God’s plan is way better than mine. Who am I to doubt?
Again, I’m spending Monday in my room while my thoughts and emotions are overflowing. It’s that time of the year when I’m suffering from mental diarrhea — worst case.
Friends, don’t be sad of the choices you’ve made. People has all the words to say, they will judge you. You’ve got stained reputation and your character will be challenged but never fret especially if you know yourself. I came to an age wherein my past molded me into who I am today and I’ve proud of who I become. I’m proud that I’ve known myself too well and I feel complete today more than the other days of my life. No one can hurt me for I know my alphas and deltas. No one can try to destroy me for I made myself indestructible by criticisms. I know better today.
Loneliness haunt me sometimes especially on February but the feeling just passes by. I get sad for I don’t have someone I can call on my own, someone who’ll understand my madness and someone who’ll care for me as much as he loves himself. It’s a nasty feeling, toxic I must say but I know it will pass. God has plans for me I should not rush.
I’ve let go of my feelings for someone close to me because I’m not the type who tells people how much I value them. Years have gone so fast and he’s still the same. I cannot continue to love someone who is lost. I need a complete man to complement the woman I become and I’m more than willing to wait.
I want someone who’ll tell me how much I impacted his life by my presence. I want someone who’ll tell me he’s happy that he met me. I am a woman who still believes that a man should make the first move (quite old school? Yeah! ).
2015 was one hell of a year, a series of fortunate and unfortunate events. 2016, surprise me! I’m so ready for you.
And here’s the soundtrack of my 2015…
It’s all over now for this year I have awaken. We’ll be just friends perhaps.
I felt the loneliness crashing on me when I decided to let go but it’s the best gift I gave myself. What we have was uncertain, no one is brave enough to ask how much we cared for each other. I guess we’ll just be friends. I just got confused. I was too blinded because of you and I let my chances of finding the right one slip away if I continue to believe that what we have we’ll turn into something great. Anyways, you’ll always be the best I never had. 🙂
All is well, cheers for my 2016.