Disclaimer: I wrote this yesterday after drinking beers and cure my hangover with a macchiatto. Alcohol and coffee is not a good combo.
Here you go…
It’s been a month since the last time I write in this blog. I’ve been fine so maybe that’s the reason why I no longer wrote those things that made me happy and sad. I usually write when I am depressed or so happy I cannot contain it to myself. My life seems to be drifting day by day still feeling lost not knowing what to really do with it. I know this has been my blabs for quite some time already and yes, I still have no definite solution on how I will fix my shits.
I got to read an article of one celebrity teenager who killed herself and another one who had a viral video. I then realized that most of us are like masks, we don’t know what’s really happening inside but stick to what we see. We don’t get to understand their struggles yet we judge them by the way they look or act. The society we are in is judgmental, enough said. I don’t worry much on what people may think of me as I got this mindset that whatever you think won’t actually define me. I am who I am. I got trust issues. I am full of shits and if you can’t help me solve my problem just don’t add up to it. My life is not messy compared to others but there are times when I feel like it’s already my end. Yes, I won’t deny the reality that I did once try to kill myself. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself after someone broke my heart. I wanted to die and be with dad in heaven. I wanted to die to spare myself from all the shits the world has to offer. I wanted to die because I thought I will not be able to survive. I just hate challenges because why do you always need to constantly prove yourself in this f*cking world. I got frustrations building up day by day and I kick those leeches that suck up my happiness. I wanted to escape home because it breaks me seeing my mom weakening day by day. I still don’t know what to do once she’s gone. I still don’t know what the future beholds and still here I am breathing in the possibilities of tomorrow. It sucks, FYI.
But I choose to live.
I am still here because I cannot take my life away. I hate depression because it eats us slowly. I hate seeing people battling depression and being succumb into the dark. It’s been a battle worth fighting and I am recovering. It’s been a year since the last time I am crippled by it but did survive. Only few knows what I’ve been up to during my darkest days. I am glad I was able to tell someone about my plans as he was able to stop me from actually doing it. I felt lonely. I felt that my career is going no where. I felt stupid in graduate school. I was actually saved by someone who battled depression victoriously. I still get up, go to work and put that damn smile in my face but inside I am broken. I am shattered because of my pride. I am broken because of my choices. I am frustrated because I know I did well and end up still a shit. I know I have been overthinking stuffs and keeping it all to myself because I hate being judge by some that I am a weakling. I know I am weak. I know I needed someone in my life so badly and the thought of being alone in my 30’s scare me. I still doubt myself despite my numerous achievements. I wanted to be busy because when I am alone that’s when my thoughts drown me. I wanted to drink and get wasted so I can just sleep right away. I am self-destructing for 2 years already, juggling everything at once pretending I am fine but I am not.
I am still lost on what I really want to do with my life.
I don’t even have a decent savings to be proud of.
Anyways, I still got some hope and faith though. Everyday, I do my own pep talk. I know God has a plan and everything will be fine just like why I did not pursue in ending my life. God always make way to me and I trust him. I just pray that he’ll lead me the way because I survived 25 years of existence with him by my side. I yelled at him once because he was so unfair to me only to realize that those times he never listened to my pleas was actually the time he went out to open new opportunities for me. Someday, someday… it’ll all make sense. I know it will just like my yesterday that totally made sense today. I don’t want depression to cloud my sunny side, I know I got issues within myself I need to fix but as time passes by I am confident that I will be able to find that elusive answer to my personal dilemmas.
As what I always say, “Life as we all know it”.