The Friendzone.

I cannot just forget you. It’s like a disease that I am constantly battling hoping I will be cured anytime soon. Every day I keep asking myself about us… is there really such thing as forever? Prolly yes, prolly no.

I want to forget you because it hurts too bad already. It sucks to be a meantime girl not knowing her place in your own damn world. I am running desperate in finding ways to simply forget all the care that I feel inside me towards you. I hate it when you start explaining when I wanted to ignore you. My life suddenly revolves in a world where you are part of. It sucks to always spend time with you because I become too dependent of your presence. We are not together. We are not lovers. We are just friends — best of friends perhaps but again we are not lovers.

Blogging has been my therapy and this post makes me want to throw up because I am fully aware of how stupid I can be yet I let myself be so stupid. If only you were able to see my reaction. I wanted to ignore you earlier and let the day pass by not talking. It’s just too stupid of me of actually waiting for your stupid reply if we’ll eat or not when in fact it’s never been an issue if I’m alone or whatever. Things with you are quite different it scares me big time. I hate caring too much because I know how it feels to be totally broken and forsaken. God forbids, I don’t want it to happen again. I don’t want to spend another 7 years of my life rehashing everything that have happened and limit myself from finding someone who can actually save me from my own demons. Oh well.

Again, I’m stuck in a gigantic maze trying to figure my way out. I am not even worth those words I wanted to hear from you since time immemorial. I am the amazing friend who will never leave him behind no matter how I wanted to. This friendzone thing really drives me nuts but I guess this is really how it supposed to be. I remembered how I felt too guilty not telling you when someone invited me for lunch — I should not even feel that way because I am single and not even committed to anyone, to you. I can do whatever I want to do. I am actually free just pretending to be not. I am not making myself available to others hoping what we currently have may evolve into something a bit cheesier. Yeah right.

You are my nightmare dressed like a daydream. You are the sweetest kind of pain I am willing to endure because you make me happy.

I just want you to tell me straight that you can’t love me, that you hate me, that I cannot be your girlfriend, that I am just the best friend anyone can actually have whatever… kindly do me a favor, please break my heart as early as now. Marry someone, crushed me into pieces before I am too old to realize that I am waiting for someone who is actually not ready to be mine and not even proud to have me.

Enough said.

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