life, personal

An Attempt

It will be my first after series of attempts in blogging my feelings. I was perfectly fine until surge of emotions from the past hit me and it hit me so hard I fell asleep on my way home. I watched You’re My Boss with my friend and really enjoyed the film as it made me laugh my ass out and made me fall in love with Batanes. I swear, I will not die without visiting the place first. It is so beautiful.

Just like the movie, I can really relate with Georgina in terms of dealing with my life. I know I am a complete love f*cked up. I never gave people the chances they deserve. I am so into my own delusions that I deserve better when I already have the better people that surrounds me. I hate myself for being too harsh and for wishing and hoping that they will be the one who’ll suddenly rush in back to my life but I know it will no longer happen. I had my chance and I choose to let them go. Maybe I’ll end up all alone someday because I am screwing everything. I fear things I should not even fear and I keep my feelings, shove it into the deepest recesses of my soul pretending I am fine and I can really handle it when in fact I am about to explode. I am broken — always been and I don’t know what kind of magic can actually fix me. Maybe for the last time, I would just like to have someone who will tell me that I am not strong, that I am actually a fool and that I am hiding in an image people thought is actually cool and awesome.

I am not.

I hate a lot of things still. I have my own fair share of insecurities. I am full of mysteries only few dared to know more. I want to have someone who’ll actually look me straight in the eyes and tell me that I need some fixing.

Dear Future Husband,

I hope you’ll find me in times that I will be needing you the most. I hope that you’ll have the courage to tell me that I need some tweaking and that I deserve to be happy. I want you to never ever give up when I will give up on believing in happy endings. I want you to say those words I have wanted to hear and not just letting me feel it. I need affirmation from you and never make me guess on who I am into your life. I want a relationship where we treat each other as bestfriends and lovers. I want a relationship that would make me a better person and not be a bitter soon to be old maid who hates her life.

I just want you to help me in discovering my potentials. I just want you to be with me.

An attempt to write my feelings and it’s such an epic fail. Forgive this post my dear readers, I just had too much tonight and I had crazy flashbacks of my past.

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