Afternoon Thoughts

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I hope I will find a guy who would actually say these damn words to me. πŸ™‚

I spent my Sunday night thinking, not that it is something unusual because I do that most of the time but it is just a little different though due to the fact that I am thinking about marriage and having a family of my own. The idea actually sickens me. I guess I am not ready to have a baby or even get married. I feel so weird when I imagine myself having those baby bump and worst having a live baby inside my tummy — that freaked me out and I voluntarily forced out the idea in my mind.

At 25, I have thoughts of having a relationship but I guess I am still not ready yet. I think I have a lot of things to do first before committing myself to something that will actually changed my life forever. For a free-spirited kid, I don’t think I will be able to endure that kind of life, well for now, I am really sure of that. I kept on telling myself that I am totally weird and that only few people understands my ambivert kind of personality. I am fully aware of my mood swings to the point that I can actually yell at people when I am extremely mad Β but I am proud to say that I am always in Β control of everything. I haven’t yell or scream at anybody yet. Thank you, God again for the gift of patience. I practice control in every situation no matter how panicky I can be within. Domineering, yes I am.

I thank the people who are nice to me, people who understands how weird I can be especially if I hate to socialize and lastly people who gained my aloof trust. I am quite difficult, FYI. I have trust issues, I rarely trust people with everything and I hate talking about my sort of kind of dysfunctional life to others. Anything random stuffs, I do share that but not my personal shits.

I am seriously bummed out of my life. I know how it is getting haywire and I am basically stress of all the deadlines to meet yet I am still an ass sleeping my weekend away. I have been sober for a month already, not that I am highlighting my drinking habits because again I can live without Jack Daniels and Don Papa. I can live without beer, rum and soda but never coffee. I became self-destructing after a big family problem I encountered last year. I became a slacker while I am working on my graduate school subjects and I became a happy kid because I dared to to be carefree and decided to live my life the YOLO way. Well, the downside of all this hullabaloos are the following:

  • no savings
  • tactlessness when intoxicated
  • tactlessness in blogging especially when intoxicated
  • no savings

It’s not really something though except that for emergency cases, I am screwed.

Anyways, I am changing myself back to my old maid ways. I probably need to have my life redefined after graduate school so instead of blogging Β my Monday thoughts here perhaps, I’ll start planning out my corporate study so that I will be able to defend it before the month ends. Oh God, help me out here.

Now for my love sick self, since I am aware that a boy won’t actually define me, I guess it would Β be best to say that someday I will be able to find someone who will just make me feel ready for everything, for family, for motherhood and for marriage. I am not closing my door and definitely open for all the endless possibilities life has to offer. For now, let me get myself back to reality as I have deadlines to meet. TTFN.

9 thoughts on “Afternoon Thoughts”

  1. Hey. I feel you. In everything that you write from love to career to chasing dreams or settling for security. Awesome write ups anyway. 😊 God bless

  2. Haha oh God.. This is exactly how I think about my (non-existent) love life. I do wanna go in a relationship and feel loved but my ambitions always seem to take the upper hand. That’s why I’m just counting down the days for when I’ll be rid off my studies and be able to pursue my professional dreams and then finally get to settle down!

    1. No rush, just enjoy what you have as of the moment. There are really those trying times when you are bothered of being alone for the rest of your life and afraid of not telling that someone special that he matters just because you fear commitment as it can hinder us in being the best version of ourselves. I guess faith is a necessity in dealing with this ordeal. hahaha Oh btw, thanks… glad to know that I am not alone in feeling this way. πŸ™‚

      1. Absolutely. My love for God and my family are the only two sources of strength in my life. I know it in my heart that if I’m waiting patiently, giving my family and my ambitions the priority, then God will reward me with the life partner who will be the exact realization of my dreams πŸ™‚

      2. God will give you someone who will make you the better version of yourself and will help you out in realizing your dreams. Let’s continue believing! πŸ™‚

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