Day 3 of 2015 and I’m still in chaos. I don’t know what to feel as of the moment. There are lots of things to do and I’m here in my room letting each seconds pass doing nothing.
I feel nothing.
I can only hear my mind rehashing conversations of how my relationship sucks and that I’m not worth those words. I’m not worthy of a risk in friendship, I’m not worthy of being his girlfriend, I’ll be just a forever friend after everything. Not that I’m asking for more or something… Well I used to be fine, I mean I would admit I got this feelings already years before but I’m not actually bothered. I understand that it’s not easy to be in a relationship knowing a lot of risks are involved and he’s not even the typical guy. I also understand that I have priorities and that I have lots of issues to be fixed. His world is actually scary and I’m not sure if I can take it all in. Being single did bother me but my life didn’t focus on it until one day… my friends and I went out, sort of a reunion after a year of not seeing each other. We talked about life, career and love. My singleness had been highlighted for the nth time and I did share my story to them. Most of them said that I should enjoy the feeling, no rush or whatsoever, just enjoy while my guy friend told me to stop. Years of being great friends without even a hint that he wants to level up what we have means he sees me just a friend. He told me that if he likes a girl whether it’s a friend or not you don’t just let go of the chance to be with her unless you’re unsure. If she’s worth the risk, you’ll risk even the friendship you built together so that you’ll not worry about the what ifs because you know that this person already accepted you for who you are because you’re best of friends.
I’ve been confused for the past few days. I asked myself if I’m not worthy at all. I’ve given too much of my time to him. He was my priority even if I won’t admit that. I will do anything for him and I realized how stupid I am to reserve myself for someone whose priorities may not include me at all. My heart is actually breaking right now because I feel so unworthy, that nobody would actually take the risk of saving me, of loving me and of caring for me. I am terribly tired of waiting and of being strong. I love myself, no doubt to that fact as I’ve survived too many trials still with optimism and vigor. It’s just frustrating to realized that nobody would take that risk to fix my broken pieces.
I know I’ve been too dramatic. I know this shouldn’t be a big deal. I know that with all of the things I’ve been through this is just a scratch… But still it hurts me significantly. It just hurts.
I have piles of stuffs to do while I wallow myself into depression. I’m wasting time, wasting energy and wasting my life into this reality. This is not my usual self. I’m in pain knowing that he’ll never see me as his significant other that maybe I’m just a younger sister to him, that maybe I’m just someone he’s comfortable with and that maybe… Maybe I’m not that important at all when he’s important in my life.
He’s my life.
It sucks to admit this but he gave me too much memories… you cannot just throw away moments, you cannot just forget all the years of being great buddies… You just can’t. No matter how I tell myself to forget him, there’s this force that drive me back to where it all started. I can’t let him go. I can’t just forget. I can be stupid to pretend all is well just for me to spend coffee or lunch with him. It’s stupid, I know.
How will I survive this mess I’m in?
A shout out to my favorite poet Tyler Knott Gregson for he already summed up what I feel…