journal, life, Life Blog

06/29 – Day 219: Letting the Past Go

After reading Message in a Bottle, I got so inspired to write again. It’s been years since I write about him and I am glad that I have the courage to face the past all again. I did not intend to share my story but I will share my letter for some to realized that we just need to let the past go for us to enjoy our today.

Dear Bes,

Today, I recall how my life turned out to be without you in my life. After all that was said and done…

For the nth time I seek for forgiveness. I know you have forgiven me and the past has been burned in your end already. It’s about time I also forgive myself for what I have done. There are times where I can say that I have already forgotten about you… but today, I realized that forgetting is different from denying that you did once exist in my life. I tried to think that what happened in the past is not serious and that I was just too stupid, just a young teen succumb to false feelings that developed into real one and make you believed that I am the ideal person that you really wanted to share forever with. I cannot escape the fact that losing you was mainly my fault. I cannot blame anyone as all you did was simply being real. I know you were honest and that you did love me. Guilt though was suddenly unbearable each day. Just like the famous love cliche goes… “It’s not you, it was me.”

I admit that I suffered for years. I just can’t live denying that one fact in my life… YOU.

Since you came, my life has never been the same again. It was the time wherein I cared for someone so much more than my own. It was the time I realized that love is not just about finding someone that you are physically attracted to but it’s about finding someone that you still love, understand and accept despite his flaws. You’re the first boy who made me feel weird inside, you left me breathless, you made my heart beats faster and slower…

One of my biggest regrets is hurting you. Hurting someone who was too innocent and hurting someone who does not deserve even an inch of it. I just want you to know that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. You became the best-est friend, someone I can run to, someone who makes me smile, someone who cares and even writes my stupid name on berry knots wrapper. You are someone whom I can feel the sincerity of each “take cares” and “I love you’s.” You are someone who sounds funny and indeed stupid with tagalog words yet I find it so adorable when you try. You’re so lovable that you indeed deserve someone who will love you as if you’re her world and I am actually a bit bitter when I heard the news that you got married. For me it was just so fast… but nevertheless I am happy that you found someone who can make you smile and will love you unconditionally. Things that I used to wish I can… but then again will never be. I am thankful that you start over again, you are a good person, a responsible father and an amazing husband… well that part I just assumed. Knowing you… there maybe times you’ll be tempted, distracted but in the end you’ll choose what is right.

I don’t want to find someone like you because you are irreplaceable. You played your part in my life too well making me realized the harsh reality of being inlove with someone. I take everything as a blessing bound to make sense after many years but it’s all worth it. I’m glad it did not work out between the two of us because if it did, today will be insignificant.

Thank you for being real and for loving me even if I was not. The early years were hard and I considered it as one of my worst days. Well, I deserve it though. I am a fool, I was selfish… I can’t imagine how I was able to move on and that nobody who ever came into my life didn’t seem so right, Until I met someone last year. He was too different compared to you but I like him as much as I like or should I say love you. Those were the days I started thinking of love again. The vulnerability of my emotions that I guarded for so long, forgiving myself is something I was not even ready but I just need to face it all. I battled for months understanding his actions as he makes me feel so confused. He makes me relived the feelings that I used to bury in the past. His smile is one of the best smiles in the world. I miss seeing that glow in his eyes… he’s just one of a kind. I feel so retarded whenever he’s around, it’s like I swallowed my tongue or something and whatever I say just don’t make sense. He was actually the first person who made me realized that I should acknowledge the past in order for me to move on. Again, I can’t find someone like you. You made a distinct mark in my life. You’re the only person who made me feel complete and losing you… well I tried to fill the missing piece of my life puzzle but then, it just won’t fit. Even him… I thought he will but as time flies, he changed and I don’t even know if he still cares about me. I do care about him, I know that if one loves someone she should show it. I should have shown him that but I am just so unsure during those times. I don’t know if I love him or maybe I am infatuated of his soothing charisma and his craziness, that smile and his tone whenever he used to call me by his own made up pet name.

Then one day… HE JUST STOPPED.

The moment he did not care about me was the moment I realized how I miss him so much. I miss him, Bes.

My life is drifting into time… questions swirling in my head, daily struggles I need to face and a lifetime to search for my purpose. Time fleeting so fast allowing me to anticipate what the unknown future beholds. Maybe a year or years from now, my battles today will be just another lesson learned and that I’ll thank God that it happened just like what I am feeling right now when it comes to my love story.

Life is beautiful and I learned that the hard way but then again, everything happens for a reason, a beautiful reason.

The past is just too hard to forget and you need time to help you. I now close one chapter of my life to pave way for new chapters. Let me recall the best memories we shared, the crazy stories we text about each other, our frustrations at school and our dreams that we compare and share solutions with. Any problem back then was easy to bear when you were around. It’s almost a decade but it just feels like yesterday. In another life, I wish I’ll meet you again and hopefully become your bestfriend. Recalling you is the best way to close one of the most memorable chapter in my life. We are now mature enough to face our future without ill regrets. This too will help me in opening my heart to love again wholeheartedly, to care and to accept someone even if he’s not ideal. I hope I can start over again… this time with that someone I met last year, Bes. I hope it’s not too late even if I don’t know where to start.

I hope that after I have accepted what have happened in the past without bitterness, I can now move on without worrying about my own skeletons in the closet. If fate permits may we have the time to fix and regain the friendship that we once shared yet lost. In my heart, you’re still the bestfriend I once have and once love more than myself.

Until we meet again… cheers!

I love you…

my first bestfriend. πŸ™‚

— Sharon

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