journal, life, writing

12/31 – Day 38: My Year-End Review

2011: Just Another Year

One chapter closed while waiting for another year to unveil.

2010 was just too awesome compared to 2011. I bet you guys share the same sentiment, 2011 is just another year. It sucks for me and I hope it went well to you who’s reading this. Oh well it will end soon and once you will be able to read this one – it ended already.

I rather want to forget what happened in my life this year. Let me share some of my journal excerpts for the year. Aside from my blog, I really keep a journal for me to write my thoughts and emotions that I just want to keep in private but let me share some for you to know what stirred up my emotions this year. So here it goes then…

01/06: I was in McDo Lacson lamenting over my transfer to a new work environment. T’was also my first sup chat at work. Wow.

01/11: I learned to value people especially my wavemates. I also felt motivated and somehow inspired to go to work. This is the day I started believing that I can be the best. I also considered how 2011 started good.

01/22: This is where my frustration begins… Well I did not realized it yet until the year ends but on this day, I noticed someone.

01/23: I started to think about someone I just met.

01/28: Random crazy thoughts. Why cannot I stop thinking of a random stranger? It feels like I am solving a complex math assignment that you cannot just sleep without resolving it unless you want to wake up and cheat. He’s just too hard to read.

02/20: I see a good future in this job of mine. Inspired intensely.

02/28: Someone drives me crazy. It brings back those feelings that I thought I already forget.

03/01: Emotions are ruling my logical thoughts. Jealousy — do I have the right? The hell, this is the start of a good story.

02/07: Project 366… It’s like my annual project of the year – to be awesome. I wanted to be better not just for myself but for another reason.

Quoting myself: ” I wanted to have a life without any bitterness and that I will try to view my failures as my stepping stones to success.”

Note from today: O-oh I’m inlove.

03/19: Denial. I am in extreme denial of my feelings that grew stronger and stronger each day. I am fighting a crazy battle between torn emotions and logic.
Bottomline: Someone makes me happy.

03/25: It is kinda rare to me to find someone who can match my wit and of course who can make me smile especially if I am the one who cracks up jokes for others. Today, I wanted to take the risk… the risk to fall one more time.

04/06: The search for purpose. Someone bothers me and my sanity.

Quoting myself: “I have too much pride within me… the kind of pride that is killing me softly.”

This was the day I started to weigh options, to write about my dream job, thoughts of resigning, future plans and goals.

04/09-10: O.L.T. Sleepless nights at Mambukal. I thanked God for the good times with friends and future leaders.

04/11: A realization how beautiful life is. Happiness is a choice that we need to make. Aside from doing my best, I also believed in destiny. T’was an epic weekend because of the Officers Leadership Training at Mambukal.

04/16: Scared. Why’s and What If’s clouding my mind. It’s hard to control the feelings that you just keep within. I know I can still manage but until when?

05/06: End my life, Now.

05/09: I don’t know why but I thought this day was “It-sucks-to-be-single-today-day!” for me. Also, according to my time plan, life should begin at 21. Hey what’s going on with my life? Direction-less and stuck.

05/12: Mid-year goals review.

05/22: Too lazy to write…

Note from today: ” I left a big space on my journal with a note: “I think I’ll leave this space as random as it seems… ”

05/28: BFF’s homecoming! Thank God for the gift of best friendships shared over time. God, also never stopped granting the signs but I just kept on denying it. I was also transferred to MU 902 or should I say in layman’s term – the morning shift! It sucks, seriously as I am a born owl.

06/01: OMG. I wrote almost 4 pages about him on this day. Name disclosed.

Quoting myself: “Weird emotions stirred up the first time I saw you…”

Note from today: God, I never knew I can be so poetic.

06/08: How a song can change the course of my life. It’s like past and present connected with each other and relive the emotions. I don’t know why saying even just a simple “Hi!” is too hard for me to do.

06/19: Manila Bound!!! (supposed to be)
Weeks ago I was so inspired to stay because I just recently graduated as a youth peer educated for HIV-AIDS but today, seriously I just feel like leaving, resigning, packing all the things and stay in Manila to work but then I decided to rethink… just because of someone, I decided to stay. Among all the many reasons to leave, I choose to live here with my only hope.

Quoting myself: “He’s the only right thing that is happening right now…”

Note from today: WTF. Seriously? If I just knew what will happen in the end you’ll regret saying those things and even write about it.

06/no date: The resign and not to resign list. Some of my reasons listed… not all for my own safety. 🙂

Resign list:

1. No more growth.
2. Routine life.
3. Unused Potentials and Skills.

Not-to-Resign list:

1. Voldemort.
2. Friends that I love.
3. Bosses that are inspiring.

Note from today: I have a long resign list and I only have 5 reasons to stay.

06/21: Wave 42 First Anniversary. It was a fun-filled night with my first work mates. I have a shift after but who cares?! Drink and be merry!!!

07/30: Life check. Where did my skills go? Where is my life heading today? I realized that there is no more growth for me, I am just a kiddo working at CVG… just a bored kid with what she’s doing. No action. No adventure… just routine.

08/02: Heart stings.

08/15: Hula-Hula day. I don’t know why but I was so decisive to try to have my fate revealed through card reading. It was really fun and something to look forward for in the future.

09/07: A strange day. I got promoted and it was overwhelming at the same time scary. I am also excited because it is something new to me, a break from the routine life.

Note from today: If I just knew what will happen next, I will surely curse 09/07/11.

09/10: Him.

Quoting myself: “I am trying to forget him because I don’t know how much pain and misery he will cause me in the end…”

10/15: Guess what? I never wrote for a month. Yes a month… because I cannot even write without cursing, raging with hate, anger and extreme madness. It’s hard to pretend that you’re okay when you just feel like bursting. I just don’t know how one can treats you as shit because they based your worth by your numbers, t’was like c’mon tell me am I really that stupid as you think I am? If you guys think I am not worth it, then fine… I am not insecure as I know myself. I know my worth, my capacity and my intelligence. I do not let people judge me as you don’t know where I came from. I convinced myself that it’ll be okay but in reality I know I am not.

Quoting myself: “Lord, I will let the pain remain this time and live my life according to your plan.”

Steve Jobs passed away this month. He was really an inspiration and a great epitome of success. Yes, I adore him so much.

10/26: Cebu, I ♥. It was an experienced that I will never forget. My very first solo trip by plane. I feel so independent walking the streets of Cebu, a complete stranger in the crowd of people. Strolling Ayala Terraces and embracing the thoughts if I can work here by next year. I have no idea on why I suddenly missed Bacolod and its laid back way of living. Anyways, I just love Cebu. It was a very nice place to visit. The best decision I made this year except for my flight time which was really an epic fail in my part.

That was the last post of my journal experience for the year. November was the launch of my own personal web blog, a life blog and photo blog until my 23rd birthday as a gift to myself. Project 23: A Lifeblog of a Daydreamer is not about people visiting my blog, getting the most number of hits or being web famous but it will be a personal experience for me. I want to share a piece of what made my day awesome and simply recall the best things that have happened for the day. I want to do something worth remembering and considered to be an achievement. I want to make things happen by 2012. I just don’t want to settle for less when I have the capacity to do more.

December, just before the year ends I realized I did move on but not totally. I know life is a bit harsh for me this year but it never stopped me from believing that life is awesome no matter what. I hoped someday I will look back and tell myself how I appreciated 2011 more because if those bad things did not happen I may not be who I am and what I wanted to be today. Thank God for the blessings this year, for the new friends I made, for people who inspired me, for best friendships shared over the years and for the gift of life and family. 2011, I bid goodbye to all the frustrations, anger, pain and false hopes. 2012, be nice to me as I already loved you. I know it will be great! 2012 — Bye Year of the Metal Rabbit, Hey Water Dragon meet the Lamb! Let’s make this year awesome! Cheers!

2011 signing off.

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